What’s dating in your 40’s really like?

[cocopopone]

I’m planning on ending my long term relationship. I’m almost 40 with a 9 & 5 year old. Been unhappy and living in a loveless, housemate relationship for 11 years with cheating involved on his part only stayed for the kids but I want more from my life now. Just wondering what the dating scene is really like in your 40’s? Any there any good men left? The thought of meeting someone new who also has kids and having to do the whole blended family thing etc is petrifying. I don’t think I would even want to live with a man again let alone bring a new man into my children’s safe space. But I’ve been so emotionally starved for so long I still have this romantic idea of meeting “the one” or at least my one one day.

Second wave of eligible men 😆

I think if you're looking for something not too serious you will probably be fine.

If you want something serious you will need to be quite lucky to find the right person.

I think a lot of the issue is many men that have been through the mill (no doubt it was all their fault blah blah blah) don't really fancy going through the same crap again. Or at least not the sensible ones.

@Lookingforunicorns What makes you think a man in his 40s would automatically want a woman in her 30s? And what makes you think women in their 30s would want a man in their 40s?

All men would opt for the woman they are happiest with, not the woman who is younger.

@ClareBaldingsChin What's the issue with "terminally single" people?

I always feel the need to jump in to these threads to give a little hope.

I split from my alcoholic and abusive partner when I was 37. Spent two years single. Then 9 months dating.

Dating is a rollercoaster. You need to be able hold a lot of rejection and strange behaviour without taking it personally. There are wild ups and downs. But, I met some interesting men, had some fun dates, got some great stories. I very much started without wanting much more than to go on some dates so could find fun in the process. I like flirting and being out and new people so maybe that helped.

It also hurt a lot at times but I always held onto the fact it was never personal to me. There is shitty callous behaviour but more often I think just people looking for something that they aren’t finding. So move on quick. It stings to be rejected but I just always held onto the fact it wasn’t really about me but about them and moved on.

After 9 months I met someone and we really enjoyed each other. It felt different. I stopped dating anyone else organically. Few months later we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Now nearly a year later we are very much in love. He is 35, I’m 40 and he is the most attractive partner I’ve ever had. He doesn’t have kids but he has never had a problem with the fact I do. I don’t know what will happen. Life makes some crazy turns we aren’t expecting but right now I’m very happy. I hope this doesn’t seem smug I just want to balance out the views here.

I found dating in my 40’s great so going against the grain here! I dated at least 3 guys from age 24 to 30 as I didn’t want a serious relationship just wanted to feel attractive and wanted again if that makes sense. I set up a profile on a dating app and just sifted through it. I must say middle aged looking men on the apps were quite grim then I met my dp who is 5 younger than me. His profile was gorgeous and when I met him in real life I fancied the arse off him, we both have kids and it’s been gradual blending process but still scares the shit out of me! I prefer it when we have our child free weekends tbh!

@shuggles - my mid 30s/late 30s single friends find that their dating pool is men in their 40s as men around their age seem complexly uninterested in them and there are very few single professional men at that age. They don’t necessarily want to date someone 7-10 years older but this is the reality of who is interested in them. This is why those types aren’t particularly interested in someone like me who is now mid 40s. Needless to say we are all still single.

@Rainsunrainsun @AnonAnonmystery Thank you giving me some hope 😅 I was waiting for some positive stories. Even the thought of dating again is daunting but it’s nice to know there are some good men out there.

@occhiazzurri my mid 30s/late 30s single friends find that their dating pool is men in their 40s as men around their age seem complexly uninterested in them

Given that the majority of men on dating apps either get no matches, or very few matches (1-2 women a month or so), I seriously doubt that men in their 30s are swiping left on women because of their age.

In fact, matches for men on dating apps are so rare, that most men simply swipe right on every single profile, because it's much faster to just swipe right on everyone then just look at the profiles (if any at all) that they get matched with.

and there are very few single professional men at that age.

Why do prospective men need to be "professional"? And what is even meant by "professional"? Well strictly speaking, a professional man is simply a man who is a member of a professional organisation as recognised by the UK government (which includes me), but most men are not part of any such organisations.

If someone requires a dating partner to be "professional," they are unnecessarily restricting their prospects for no real reason.

In this context I've always understood 'professional' to mean 'not unemployed'. Unless people in this thread are using it to mean white collar?

@shuggles - what makes you think that women get any more swipes? I certainly don't (in my early 50's). I've managed 2 dates this year despite a lot of effort. I don't think either gender has an easy time on OLD.

And as for wanting a man with a professional career, MN is notoriously middle-class, so that's the dynamic here.

I've got a degree & professional career; I'd like an equal relationship with someone similar - that's who I feel compatible with.

Good advice! Its all just other peoples cast offs.

I met my partner of ten years on tinder a decade ago aged 45.he was 42 and he is delightful and perfect for me. I had a great time dating and met some amazing people. Give it a go

They are well aware that they are restricting their dating pool, but it is not that men outside of that small dating pool are that interested anyway. When you are an Oxbridge educated lawyer in the top 0.5%~0.1% of earners men who don’t fall within the professional category which I mean someone with a university degree or in a profession such as a lawyer or accountant or a journalist are just not that interested. I think class plays a big factor into this in the UK- as it has been discussed on another thread.

One friend has tried to date plenty of single men without a degree who have their own business etc through her community and that has never worked out because her university education and professional affiliation becomes a stumbling block. So I think the answer would be more social mobility or at least people on both sides of the equation being open to it.

@occhiazzurri - deffo think there is truth in this. I am early 30's, I have been on some dates with guys my own age. But quite a few of the guys I have been on dates with have been over 20 years older than me -12/13/14 years older.... these guys are all high earners though.

• that should read over 10 years older than me.

Hmmm. Not usually lifelong single without a compelling reason - obviously there are exceptions to that.

@occhiazzurri When you are an Oxbridge educated lawyer in the top 0.5%~0.1% of earners men who don’t fall within the professional category which I mean someone with a university degree or in a profession such as a lawyer or accountant or a journalist are just not that interested.

Why not? If I was looking for a relationship, I would happily take a woman in the top 0.5% of earners. Then she could take me to nice restaurants and pay for the whole meal, or buy me nice gifts.

@shuggles - You must live in a parallel universe hidden away since we haven’t met anyone like you!

I have found it awful to be honest. I never knew such manipulative people existed. It's also amazing the amount of men of that age who live with their parents, house share, don't have a car or a great job. And while none of these would be deal breakers it seems to sum up their life in general, they haven't got their shit together and just wander through life and women. Maybe I have just been unlucky. I have two pieces of advice for you, if they seem too good to be true they probably are and once you spot a red flag, run because that will be exactly who they are.

@mrspick It's also amazing the amount of men of that age who live with their parents, house share, don't have a car or a great job.

Yes, because poverty is a real thing. The average salary is £32k, which makes it difficult to own a car, and extremely difficult to own a home.

The women on mumsnet who earn above £100k constitute less than 1% of the population. The overwhelming majority of men and women don't have salaries like that.

Yeah once you taste life on your own I doubt you’ll be gagging to move back in with a man!! I’m certainly not

@shuggles You misunderstand me. As I said none of these are a deal breaker and I fully understand that poverty is a thing. My wage is just under £20000 a year. I do have a car and my own home but I am not well off by any stretch. My point was you quickly find out why they are in that position because it is a reflection of all the other problems in their lives. Ones that end up causing the problems in the relationship.

@shuggles Why not? If I was looking for a relationship, I would happily take a woman in the top 0.5% of earners. Then she could take me to nice restaurants and pay for the whole meal, or buy me nice gifts

The issue is that inevitably you end up with a guy who feels emasculated and resentful. He feels robbed of being the more intelligent party with more financial clout in the relationship.
Childishness then usually ensues. Eventually you end up being dumped by said man, who thought he wanted to date a professional high earning woman.