OLD - why do so many men want someone who doesn't take themselves seriously?

[NameChanged100thTime]

I see this mentioned in so many profiles, what does it even mean?

Doesn't it just mean they like a bit of banter?

Ironically, some of these replies are exactly WHY they are asking for 'someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously'.

Rainbowsponge · Today 11:59
Women are less able to take a joke in my experience

Take a joke says it all really.
If you ' take' a joke, it is directed at you.
Not listen to a joke, make jokes or even laugh at my jokes, but laugh it off when I say something about you.
Perhaps that is what 'Doesn't take herself too seriously' means - I will be a tosser and you laugh at it.

For me it doesn’t mean any of the typical (and quite funny) MN responses on here. I couldn’t cope with someone who can’t laugh at themselves or let go and have fun. If everything is a serious task that must be done a certain way or has a specific goal then no thanks. If I can’t laugh with you I can’t do anything with you.

100% - there’s a world of difference between laugh with and laugh at.

What to say....
So glad I don't have to or need to "date" ever again!
😁

Banter, now there is a whole world of joy in that.
It means listen to me insult you, and giggle.
Not that I would, but would it be banter if I made reference to his bald spot, beer gut or crooked teeth? His inability to park? His lack of education?
There are women on here everyday who have not taken themselves seriously.

Good luck with that.
I have Asperger's and even before (adult) diagnosis couldn't understand why I should laugh at myself, so when younger it was always more
or less a pretence.
Now I don't and don't give two 💩.

brunettemic · Today 16:39
For me it doesn’t mean any of the typical (and quite funny) MN responses on here. I couldn’t cope with someone who can’t laugh at themselves or let go and have fun. If everything is a serious task that must be done a certain way or has a specific goal then no thanks. If I can’t laugh with you I can’t do anything with you.

Tell me, please - in which way do you laugh at yourself?
I can certainly have fun, as can the other posters, and I will laugh with you, but I won't laugh at you. If my friend was laughing at herself I would wonder why she felt the need.

They don’t want a serious navel gazer?

Yep another here who uses the term to mean someone easy going, can be teased, laugh at themselves if they do something silly, not get wound up by others comments and generally be good company.

people who take themselves terribly seriously I see as highly strung neurotic types, take offence easily and just be generally very prickly characters who are no fun at all.

it has nothing to do with boundaries or a soft touch.

This thread jusy shows how we all interpret this differently. If I was doing old its certainly I phrase I might have used.

Not sure what it means when men say it, but for me, I would want a man who doesn’t take himself seriously. For me, examples are;

I couldn’t be doing with a man who starts telling waiters that he wants his peas on the side, take out the tomato, asking for Chateaux Blah Blah ‘92

Someone who takes pride in their appearance to the point of ridiculousness

Someone who moans and complains about things which are unimportant e.g. got their Starbucks order slightly wrong

I would want a chilled bloke, who doesn’t sweat the small stuff, and is patient when things don’t go 100% right.

If my friend was laughing at herself I would wonder why she felt the need.

Really?

Well in the example I gave earlier about going for a walk in the rain and your welly getting stuck in the mud is something that happened to me. Insank into mud, my friend's husband had to pull me out my welly got stuck and, yes, I laughed at myself. And they laughed too.

What else was I going to do? It was funny.

So people laugh at themselves because situations are funny and what's the alternative? Have a strop?

Exactly. It isn't funny when you are the butt of the joke.

I always ask men who say this what they mean by it, and one actually answered! What it boiled down to was, 'I want to be able to make fun of/ make jokes at the expense of my girlfriend, and for her not to object to this in any shape or form whatsoever.' His last girlfriend had objected to this.

I think opening your mind to someone who says this can only backfire. They are basically after casual and expect you to be cool with however they want to run things, without questioning. It's a red flag, ignore at your own peril.
Other phrases like "I'm an open book" or "honest and genuine". Bad indicators of just the opposite.

Sure, I do think they may have more success finding that positive person if they phrase it positively. I'm looking for someone upbeat and who is generally happy with life sounds great and appeals to me way more than 'i don't like people who take themselves too seriously'

GreyCarpet

You were laughing at a funny situation, that was not caused by any aspect of your personality or looks..

Sure, I do think they may have more success finding that positive person if they phrase it positively. I'm looking for someone upbeat and who is generally happy with life sounds great and appeals to me way more than 'i don't like people who take themselves too seriously'

Much more pleasant and attractive.

Read the thread now.
Don't agree with those giving the more generous interpretation of this phrase as, like I said upthread, I always ask men what they mean by this and nearly all of them never reply. I think they would if they were positive upbeat people. And as OP says, if you were a positive, upbeat person, looking for a positive upbeat partner, wouldn't you intuitively write your post in a positive upbeat way?

As I said, the only guy who replied said his last girlfriend had continually objected to the jokes he made about her. Rather than just stopping making jokes at her expense, he carried on. He now blames her for 'taking herself too seriously' and wants a girlfriend he can rip the piss out of and who won't object.

The only generous interpretation I have of this immature behaviour is that I know some men live in this 'banter' culture where they continually put their mates down and this is accepted as 'funny'. I think some of these men have not realised that women don't really behave like this with each other and that this ' humour' rarely translates well to dating and romantic relationships.

If I said I was looking for someone who didn't take themselves too seriously, I'd mean that I was looking for someone who was able to laugh at themselves, wasn't above looking daft now and again, and was generally not someone overly earnest and intense. My default setting is to find humour in situations and I'm really not at ease with people who can't be flippant, laugh in the face of adversity or be sarcastic.

However - I'm a) not a man and b) not on online dating sites, so I'm guessing PPs are correct that when men say this on dating apps they basically mean 'I want a woman who will put up with being mocked/humiliated by me'. The sort of man who likes 'prank' videos on YouTube and thinks grabbing your boob and making a honking noise in front of his mates is 'just banter' and that you have no sense of humour if you object.

I once had a conversation with someone whose marriage had ended and he said 'I want to meet someone to spend my life with, but next time I'm not going to make the mistake of choosing someone who's up herself, that was one of the problems with my ex-wife, she was just so up herself, you couldn't have a joke with her' and then later in the conversation it transpired that his idea of 'having a joke with her' was telling her he'd run her a nice relaxing bath as a romantic gesture after she'd had an awful, stressful day, and then waiting until she'd got into said bath before plonking himself on the toilet next right next to her to do a massive stinking shit. He'd literally planned this 'joke' all afternoon, while she'd spent her day teaching a class of violent teenagers in a young offenders' institute. He was the sort of man I would expect to say they were looking for a woman who 'doesn't take herself to seriously'.

Avoid avoid avoid. Thick and probably selfish to boot.

@KreedKafer nailed it.
Same guy will call a woman a nag, high maintenance, uptight etc etc. It's a very white male 90's crass humour that some men still think is funny.

I agree there’s better ways to phrase it for sure.

But then some people aren’t very articulate. Maybe that’s a reason not to date them in and of itself?

It’s just another meaningless cliche like GSOH etc. I’d put it in the same category as “loves a night out on the dance floor but also staying in with a box set and a takeaway”.

I’d say 90% of people would put themselves as “don’t take myself too seriously” whether it’s true or not as evidenced by many posters often falling over themselves to say how they wouldn’t care if their hair got wet, they’d just laugh it off. Yeah you and almost everyone else!

It would put me off on OLD to be honest as I think it’s lazy and I’d rather someone had something more interesting to say.