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Original poster

Ex wants to force children to spend less time together

78 replies

twisters123 · 30/07/2024 12:43

In a toxic divorce. Ex is a narc.

Ex wants the girls only on a sat and sun......BUT he wants the two girls (aged 8 and 10) to spend less time together when they are with him. In other words, he takes 9 year old for a sat , and the 11 year old on a sun.

In the past, he removed the two girls from me and kept them separated on the eldest's birthday. The youngest was left alone and "watched " by some neighbour while he took the eldest to a birthday party he organised.

Why would anyone want to do that ? Has anyone encountered this before ?

OP posts:
Original poster
twisters123 · 30/07/2024 12:44

DDs. soon to be age 9 and 11....

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/07/2024 12:45

This is utterly bizarre.

Is it about wanting the girls to spend less time together, or not being able to parent them both at the same time?

Neveranynamesleft · 30/07/2024 12:45

Have the girls spoken to you about how they feel about this ?

Shouldbedoing · 30/07/2024 12:46

He's a nutter.
And that is not in the girls best interests.

DenmarkStreet · 30/07/2024 12:47

Is there a golden child dynamic? Not bringing the younger sister to the elders birthday party is really awful.

Nicebloomers · 30/07/2024 12:48

What a prick. Is this divide and conquer? So they can’t gang up against him? What a toxic asshole.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 30/07/2024 12:49

I would assume that it’s because he doesn’t want to/can’t look after 2 kids at the same time too.

I’ve read my fair share of stories on here when men have more than 1 child and the wife accepts that her husband can’t look after 2 (or 3 ) kids in one go.

endofthelinefinally · 30/07/2024 12:49

He sounds nasty, controlling and IMO, sinister. Is he abusive?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 30/07/2024 12:51

I would only accept this in limited circumstances like one child having SN and the sibling needing some time centred on their individual needs for a change.

It’s bizarre that dd2 couldn’t attend a party for dd1.

Judgedbycats · 30/07/2024 12:53

That's awful. Could his thinking be that he knows that he's wrong and the girls won't like it, so you'll keep the one he's not spending time with at yours with you? So you don't get any child free time.

Notamum12345577 · 30/07/2024 12:54

Sounds a bit strange! I understand if on occasion he wants to spend meaningful one on one time with them, but every weekend?!

HalebiHabibti · 30/07/2024 12:55

Judgedbycats · 30/07/2024 12:53

That's awful. Could his thinking be that he knows that he's wrong and the girls won't like it, so you'll keep the one he's not spending time with at yours with you? So you don't get any child free time.

I bet this is something to do with it. "Why should your mum get a break" or some shit like that.

FloydPink · 30/07/2024 12:56

How often does he have the kids?

I admit that having the kids separately over Christmas is something I have suggested. I have no other family so spending time alone does fill me with dread. And actually the kids (teens) seemed to quite like the idea.

I have mine 50/50 but it is rare we do anything together as a 3 as they both have different interests. Obviously they are old enough to be on their own at home so often I will be in town with daughter and him at home or him at football and her at home. I do get better quality time with them individually rather than all 3 overall.

so there could be valid reasons why someone does that, but not all the time.

Opentooffers · 30/07/2024 13:08

I'd guess it's to ensure you never have any child free time. It's about controlling your life. If he can't have you, nobody can, so he's ensuring you don't get time on your own to meet anyone. But there's also a mindset he has that 2 at once is less controllable. As a single parent to one, I'd say it was in some ways harder, as you end up being the sole source of entertainment, so you have to input more. However, with 2, they can play and entertain each other while you can step back and oversee. But he wants to be the centre of attention and have maximum input and control and can't stand to be sitting back and overseeing, as that is less control and gives him less attention.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 30/07/2024 13:17

I suspect he wants to do this to ensure you never get any child free time. That way you don’t get a break, don’t get to date, don’t get to go out with friends, don’t get to go away for a weekend etc.

Exactlab · 30/07/2024 13:19

Your ex is abusive. I think he wants to inconvenience you by always having responsibilities so you can’t go out with your friends or date on a weekend.

But he also wants to separate the children when he has had responsibility of both of them. It’s abusive and is deliberately trying to separate them so that they are easier to control.

He’s a terrible human being.

Exactlab · 30/07/2024 13:19

TooMuchRedMaybe · 30/07/2024 13:17

I suspect he wants to do this to ensure you never get any child free time. That way you don’t get a break, don’t get to date, don’t get to go out with friends, don’t get to go away for a weekend etc.

Exactly

Riva5784 · 30/07/2024 13:21

Don't agree to this. It is not in the children's best interests to spend less time together.

MitskiMoo · 30/07/2024 13:24

Judgedbycats · 30/07/2024 12:53

That's awful. Could his thinking be that he knows that he's wrong and the girls won't like it, so you'll keep the one he's not spending time with at yours with you? So you don't get any child free time.

This would be my first thought.

Original poster
twisters123 · 30/07/2024 13:31

Both girls want to be together. Both children do not have SEN.

At the moment ex has supervised access but court is considering unsupervised access. But he has stated he wants them to spend less time with each other.

To me it's narc behaviour - divide and conquer. He only wants the eldest. BUT
At the supervised visit last year, he gave the youngest 200 pounds as a gift, and he gave zero to the eldest, which sent her on spiral freewill.

This is not normal behaviour right ? Most fathers would fight to have both kids.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 30/07/2024 13:32

I think a lot of narc parents love it when their kids are not getting along. Sounds like he is actively trying to sow discord between them.

KreedKafer · 30/07/2024 13:32

It sounds like he just wants to make sure you don't get a child-free weekend, ever. If both kids are with him for two days, you get a weekend to yourself. If he has DD1 on Saturdays and DD2 on Sundays, that means you presumably have to spend your own Saturday and Sunday looking after whichever DD isn't with him that day.

I'm guessing he also likes playing his children off against one another - playing favourites, making them compete for his attention, encouraging each one to gang up with him against the other.

Whatever the reason, it's horrible and damaging behaviour towards his own children. Do they actually enjoy seeing him? Is there a legal access agreement in place?

Edit: Just seen that he only has supervised access. I would suggest that his desire to separate his kids, who want to be together, is something you should raise with the court, because it doesn't show him a good light at all and might be a factor in their decision re. supervised/unsupervised access. Assume the supervised access is because he's been abusive to them in the past? Or has abused you in front of them?

GravitasShortfall · 30/07/2024 13:34

twisters123 · 30/07/2024 13:31

Both girls want to be together. Both children do not have SEN.

At the moment ex has supervised access but court is considering unsupervised access. But he has stated he wants them to spend less time with each other.

To me it's narc behaviour - divide and conquer. He only wants the eldest. BUT
At the supervised visit last year, he gave the youngest 200 pounds as a gift, and he gave zero to the eldest, which sent her on spiral freewill.

This is not normal behaviour right ? Most fathers would fight to have both kids.

So he’s trying to play the kids off against each other to fight for daddy’s approval? With a side benefit of making sure you have no free time.

Coldfinch · 30/07/2024 13:34

DenmarkStreet · 30/07/2024 12:47

Is there a golden child dynamic? Not bringing the younger sister to the elders birthday party is really awful.

This 💯

Narcs like to sow seeds of doubt and put siblings against each other. It’s unhealthy and cruel. I’d resist this as much as legally possible. Your girls will be damaged by him if he’s given free reign. I speak from experience.

PotatoPie111 · 30/07/2024 13:35

I can’t see the court going for this. I’m sure it’s not the first time they have seen a dad do this ensuring mum has no free time.
Id push back, there’s no good reason for it and it means each of your children are only seeing him one day a week.
id be very clear it’s both together or not at all.