Ex wants to force children to spend less time together

[twisters123]

In a toxic divorce. Ex is a narc.

Ex wants the girls only on a sat and sun......BUT he wants the two girls (aged 8 and 10) to spend less time together when they are with him. In other words, he takes 9 year old for a sat , and the 11 year old on a sun.

In the past, he removed the two girls from me and kept them separated on the eldest's birthday. The youngest was left alone and "watched " by some neighbour while he took the eldest to a birthday party he organised.

Why would anyone want to do that ? Has anyone encountered this before ?

No it's not normal, I would also be concerned about him isolating each girl to plan and allow physical and sexual abuse.

My guess would be...he doesn't want either of them, so is making it as bad as he can get away with so that they stop going. He then gets to tell everyone that he "tried his best" but you have "poisoned them against him" and he gets to paint you as the "crazy ex" when the new gf asks why he doesn't see his kids.

Ewww the idea this man who obviously gives not a single shit about his daughters actual well being might get unsupervised access… can you say ‘they are your daughters, they are sisters and they want to be together. They both go, or neither of them go.’

I would find this really disturbing. Like you’ve said it’s divide and conquer behaviour and feels calculated.

Don’t give In.

My ex did this. He couldn’t cope with both dc together but there was also definitely an element of making sure I didn’t get any time to myself too. Then he started to return them home early with no notice. Eventually he stopped seeing them completely. Oh yes he never paid anything either.

There are a lot of plausible explanations in this thread, and not one of them is good.

Cruel and abusive (potentially sexually), stirring up discord deliberately between the girls.
I’d get some professional help on board, family therapy. so early on the girls themselves can spot unhealthy dynamics.
He’ll probably be a poor role model for decades to come.

I would be making sure the courts know exactly what he is trying to do and has said and done! Because none of that is normal!

Did he say WHY he wants them to spend less time together? Like... that makes absolutely zero sense!

No free time for you and the opportunity to play mind games with them… one week take one somewhere nice, the next week give the other money etc etc…

He doesn't want you to have any free time at all. He doesn't care that it's damaging for your children. I hope he never has unsupervised contact. Please journal all of this and include it in your statement when you are back to court. Make sure your Cafcass officer is aware. This is utterly abusive.

Oh, and leaving you to deal with the mind game fall out, of course

No, I strongly don't he will sexually abuse them.

It's all about control. He doesn't want them really but he wants control. Divide and conquer.

Thank you all for your comments which I take on board. Also, I am worried that if he does get unsupervised access of both children, he will just just dump one child with a someone else to look after, since he is only focused on the eldest child. And if something were to happen, who would know.

I think I’d go (back) to court and get a revised custody agreement with evidence of his intentions to separate them - not only is it generally not in their interests (which should be enough) but I’d say it raises red flags as to why he wants to isolate them from each other and spend time alone with each.

In fact, I think it hints at abuse, even if ‘only’ psychological. I’d explore this with your GP and have an independent professional perspective on this, but in your shoes, I might be pushing for limited access.

Well it sounds like you are able to collect quite a lot of evidence as to why he shouldn't be given the chance to parent alone. Present all his poor divisive behaviour to the courts, hopefully they will see how behaviour like that could damage your DC's esteem and relationship.
If he's on supervised visits, which ineffective person was ment to be supervising, while he left his youngest with a neighbour? No point in supervising if they don't intervene when inappropriate actions occur.

What an awful man. Utter prick.

Atleast in a few short years, the children will be old enough to decide they don't want to see this waste of space.... in which case I'd not be forcing them to.

Potential abuse of one the girls is where my mind went straight away. I would be concerned - lots of chats with girls about advocating for themselves, ensuring they know what to do in situations where they feel unsafe etc. I wouldn’t agree to it - no rationale that makes sense for it.

If he wanted to add in a day for each of them separately i.e. see more of them separately that would be a good reason to change things.
I assume the supervision is either a professional or a family member.
But this is either a) designed to alienate the girls from each other or b) designed to control you or c) both.

Hopefully the court will see that.

The 11 yr old is certainly old enough to have an opinion and be listened to by a court. Possibly the 9 yr old too.
If they don’t like it their voices should be heard in court and definitely encourage that.

Even at 10 ( you give different ages in your OP)

People are easier to manipulate alone

Yes.

I think they are 8 and 10 but soon to be 9 and 11

My father was a Narc and he was very much "divide and conquer" and playing us off against eachother. Me and My brother are in our 50's now and the effects still linger

This is my thought. In a year or two, youngest will be able to decide to go or not. The question is how much damage can be done in the meantime time and if he can turn one of them against the other or against op before that happens. Supervised contact has obviously happened for a reason so best to try and continue that as long as possible to minimise his power over them.

I think an age appropriate discussion about his selfish and controlling behaviour and the results it could cause to them and their relationship is worth considering. Validate their experience so this doesn't become internalise as normalised/healthy relationships.