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Original poster

Shall I tell the wife after affair with narc husband?

114 replies

singlelostmama · 30/07/2024 09:26

Looking for some advice.

I'm just out of a 4 month 'affair' with a married man. Who it is now apparent to me is a Narcissist.

Met him via Tinder - he lived very closed to me, initially he lied to me and told me him and wife were separated.
He started very intensely, texting me all the time, like 100's of text a day. I believe this is called 'love bombing'. He was extremely complimentary and seemed very into me.

The relationship carried on - but I found out he was still married and confronted him about this. He told me his wife didnt want/desire him and made me feel sorry for him. So I continued the relationship (for which I feel bad now).

I went through cycles of highs to despair and anxiety, knowing something wasn't right, but he always drew me back in.

Anyway my friends constantly told me this guy was no good for me and I needed to ditch - but he had me in the crazy cycle.

Anyway I was suspicious of him - wondering if he had multiple versions of me. So I went on dating apps he had mentioned. Caught him red handed - by fake profile - doing the same thing.

I confronted him .... pointless he denied. He played the victim of course saying I had the control to tell his wife and he would loose everything.

I've blocked him - no contact.

I know what I did was wrong (affair with married Man) and I feel awful for this, and I do not want revenge to be clear, however I really want to tell his wife what a total scumbag he is. I feel she should be aware - it wasn't just me there has been loads of women I sure - this guy is a professional at this.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
Any ideas on how I might do this?
Any warnings?
Thoughts...

OP posts:

DecoratingDiva · 02/08/2024 10:51

, and I do not want revenge to be clear, however I really want to tell his wife what a total scumbag he is

Don’t Lie to yourself over this, if you tell the wife it won’t be for her benefit it will be to blow his life up.

I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t tell her (I wouldn’t, I’d just walk away rather than stir up more drama) but doing it for revenge is fine and you don’t need to dress it up as being for the wife’s benefit.

mmmarmalade · 02/08/2024 11:19

"But - I would want to know if I suspected my DH, and this is why I think it plays on my mind now"

So you are married too?

Vonesk · 02/08/2024 12:07

This is beyond your juristiction.
The only situation you should consider doing this is if the wife is a long term best friend of yours. Just check out and forget. You dont know what repercussions could happen.

Ponkpinkpink15 · 02/08/2024 12:12

justasking111 · 30/07/2024 10:54

If you knew her personally, I'd anonymously suggested sti testing, which I hope you've done OP.

I'd leave it otherwise.

@justasking111

anonymously is cruel, it just leaves her not knowing but suspicious. Have the guts to tell her properly & give her space to ask for further proof or details etc or just don't bother.

@singlelostmama

you're NOT doing this for his wife, your doing it because your ego is hurting (understandably bruised ego - we all want to feel special)

walk away, your heart isn't in the right place to spill to his wife.

LonelyInDville · 02/08/2024 12:12

As the wife I would want to know since it’s more than a ONS.

cauliflowercheeseplease · 02/08/2024 12:14

MillyMollyMandHey · 30/07/2024 10:45

You’re not doing it for her, come on.

You’re just mad now you’ve realised you were just another little irrelevant, tawdry affair.

I'd want to know. This man is obviously unhinged and his wife might be being abused by him. Not saying it would give her the strength to leave but having been with a man who was similar I was greatful when I received a letter in the post full of screenshots of his dating app profiles and conversations to a woman he was seeing behind my back. I left the relationship after this.

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 02/08/2024 12:53

I was the wife married to the Narc. Over 50 affairs in total by the time I got out. Told everyone it was because we didn't have sex. Wasn't true.

I would have wanted to know. But do it once then leave her alone don't enter into a chat. Keep it simple and factual and send proof like screenshots as he will try to talk his way out if it. In my experience anyway.

Dusta · 02/08/2024 13:38

I mean tell her, but don’t kid yourself it’s not because you feel revenge. You never bothered running to her when you first found out so let’s not pretend this is with her best interests at heart.

beanii · 02/08/2024 14:07

If you were concerned about his wife you'd have ended it the second you found out he was still married.

You didn't.

Now all you want is revenge to make YOU feel better.

Bored86 · 02/08/2024 15:03

Give up whilst you still have a tiny bit of dignity. You’re only doing it for revenge or to feel better about being totally disrespectful to another woman. You deserve everything you got. She won’t thank you and she probably already knows. Women like you disgust me.

RachTheAlpaca · 02/08/2024 15:25

Always tell the wife

As a woman, I'd want to know

SparklestheUnicorn · 02/08/2024 15:51

I was in a similar situation except I didn’t know he had someone else. When I found out, I contacted her to tell her and apologise because I felt terrible. She had no clue about me, and she subsequently found out he’d been on dating sites prior to meeting me as well- basically the whole time they’d been together he had been dating around or in a relationship with me.
She wanted to meet me, I declined, but sent her the proof she needed that it had been a relationship and not - as he told her - a one night stand and then me stalking him.
If you do tell, be careful. In my case, she decided to stay with him, but he was livid and accused me of ruining his life, told a lot of people a lot of made up stuff about me, tried to ruin my career, drove up and down my road (small cul-de-sac) and told my neighbours I was psycho. I was scared to sleep and worried for the safety of me and my DC.
its not how she reacts, its what he will do that I’d worry about.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/08/2024 15:58

I'm in the school of 'want to know' - regardless of your motives- you might be doing her a favour- she might be desparate to 'get rid' but is the kind of person that needs something tangible. If she knows, then no harm done- if she doesn't- you are at least giving her choices .

Getonwitit · 02/08/2024 17:15

Tell her.

Welshmonster · 02/08/2024 17:57

Did you use condoms? My first point of call would be a visit to the STD clinic

LemonTurtle · 02/08/2024 19:11

She knows but thinks she's crazy. Telling her could end the cycle but he might also pull her back with love bombs, promises of change, turning you into the bad guy, etc

If you want to tell her and help her get out, then you would need to share screenshots of texts so he can't completely lie and manipulate her from believing it.

calmbutfiesty · 02/08/2024 19:14

Tell the wife and send her proof. She is being emotionally, financially and sexually abused by her husband sleeping around with who knows how many others and deserves to know. It doesn't matter what your motives are.
I'm shocked at the number of women who suggest you not say anything thereby letting this H/predator get away with this and continue to harm his wife/others. Doing nothing when someone is being harmed is a weak position to take. The wife deserves to have her agency back.

Wordsretain · 02/08/2024 19:16

If I were his wife- I'd want to know.

Regardless of what others have said here... there ARE faithful wives and husbands...
I'm a faithful wife, I would absolutely want to know if I married a cheater.

SD1978 · 02/08/2024 19:30

You're mad, and have armchair diagnosed him because you're mad. You'd be tellling the wife out of spite, since you went along with shagging him for a few months

Eyelinerwonky · 02/08/2024 19:35

Regardless of your reasons I would still want to know as a wife.

Coconutter24 · 02/08/2024 19:44

It was ok for him to have an affair with you and betray his wife but as soon as you find out he isn’t loyal to you he’s a scumbag and narcissist…. Pot, kettle?? Just move on leave them to it, if she doesn’t already know he’s a serial cheat she soon will but you certainly don’t get to sit on the moral high ground in this story

SparklestheUnicorn · 02/08/2024 20:08

Welshmonster · 02/08/2024 17:57

Did you use condoms? My first point of call would be a visit to the STD clinic

Yes, absolutely this. It’s very important. I took my sister with me because I cried the entire time but I’m glad I did it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2024 20:30

Lets face it, if he has several women on the go, it could be any one of them that dobs him in.

I would tell her. The morals of the OP continuing to see him after she discovered he was married is not relevant to the moral choice of whether to tell his wife. These are two seperate things and personally I think that she should.

DearDenimEagle · 02/08/2024 22:50

singlelostmama · 30/07/2024 09:26

Looking for some advice.

I'm just out of a 4 month 'affair' with a married man. Who it is now apparent to me is a Narcissist.

I went through cycles of highs to despair and anxiety, knowing something wasn't right, but he always drew me back in.

Anyway my friends constantly told me this guy was no good for me and I needed to ditch - but he had me in the crazy cycle.

Anyway I was suspicious of him - wondering if he had multiple versions of me. So I went on dating apps he had mentioned. Caught him red handed - by fake profile - doing the same thing.

I confronted him .... pointless he denied. He played the victim of course saying I had the control to tell his wife and he would loose everything.

I've blocked him - no contact.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
Any ideas on how I might do this?
Any warnings?
Thoughts...

I was such a wife. I eventually found out he had multiple gfs and was on at least 4 dating sites. I wish someone had told me sooner..some people did know. He’d brag about it over the phone and they were laughing at me. His flying monkeys. His gfs knew too..one had been about over 20 yrs , long before he met me. Another one year before and one five years in. The last 2 were to,d I was an ex but hadn’t moved out yet, having nowhere to go, and he felt sorry for me.
Others had been and gone. There’s a chance she knows and is staying if there are children, or for the security.
If she doesn’t know, she might not believe it.
You need proof, because he can be plausible in denial if she wants to believe him. He will lie till he’s blue in the face, call her mad, insane for doubting him, how can she believe such a thing of poor innocent him. You are just a malicious or pitiful , delusional creature. He’ll tell her She is The One, and he’d never cheat. With tears running down his cheeks. Yes, he can switch those on if he’s a Narcissist and high on the spectrum.

so, just telling her isn’t a great idea. You must have incontrovertible proof. And suggest she goes to an STD clinic because he’s been with so many. Puts the thought in her head to take it more seriously

ButterCrackers · 02/08/2024 22:54

Put yourself first. Get an std check up. Take some time to recover from the stress. I wouldn’t confront the wife. Just walk away from the drama this man creates.

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