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Original poster

Shall I tell the wife after affair with narc husband?

114 replies

singlelostmama · 30/07/2024 09:26

Looking for some advice.

I'm just out of a 4 month 'affair' with a married man. Who it is now apparent to me is a Narcissist.

Met him via Tinder - he lived very closed to me, initially he lied to me and told me him and wife were separated.
He started very intensely, texting me all the time, like 100's of text a day. I believe this is called 'love bombing'. He was extremely complimentary and seemed very into me.

The relationship carried on - but I found out he was still married and confronted him about this. He told me his wife didnt want/desire him and made me feel sorry for him. So I continued the relationship (for which I feel bad now).

I went through cycles of highs to despair and anxiety, knowing something wasn't right, but he always drew me back in.

Anyway my friends constantly told me this guy was no good for me and I needed to ditch - but he had me in the crazy cycle.

Anyway I was suspicious of him - wondering if he had multiple versions of me. So I went on dating apps he had mentioned. Caught him red handed - by fake profile - doing the same thing.

I confronted him .... pointless he denied. He played the victim of course saying I had the control to tell his wife and he would loose everything.

I've blocked him - no contact.

I know what I did was wrong (affair with married Man) and I feel awful for this, and I do not want revenge to be clear, however I really want to tell his wife what a total scumbag he is. I feel she should be aware - it wasn't just me there has been loads of women I sure - this guy is a professional at this.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
Any ideas on how I might do this?
Any warnings?
Thoughts...

OP posts:
Edingril · 30/07/2024 12:14

TeaGinandFags · 30/07/2024 11:51

Find a way to send her copies of his profiles on all those dating sites and all the love bombing. He will be telling you all he told her.

Report his philandering to the dating sites and let them deal with it. Most sites know they have spouses on their books but unless they have proof positive there's not much they can do.

Then go to your friends. Have a good cry and get very very drunk. Once the hangover is over wash your face and face your future. He's a narcissist so he will turn nasty but that's why you chose your moment and prepare for any fallout.

She needs to know but won't like it. He'll go into one so be safe.

Why would the sites care? it is immoral but certainly not illegal

mugglewump · 30/07/2024 12:17

The chances are she already knows what he is like (or at least has suspicions), but even if she is oblivious or in denial, it is not your place to tell her about his extra marital affairs. It shouldn't come from you because you are a stranger to her, and hearing such news from a stranger will always sound like an attack.

BorisJohnsonsWigGlue · 30/07/2024 12:19

As the wife just going through this, tell her.

With all the proof you have.

munchoc · 30/07/2024 12:20

Tell her.

CitizenZ · 30/07/2024 12:24

I think the wife has the right to the information, what she chooses to do with that information is up to her.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/07/2024 12:26

My Hs affair partner's boyfriend told me. I was so grateful to him. He took months of suspicion and misery from the darkness into the light. I am always on the side of truth!

Mmhmmn · 30/07/2024 12:31

She's probably aware that he's a narc already. You can't live with and be married to a narc without knowing it - even if you don't know the label, you know the effects of their behaviour on you.

And it may or may not be true what he said about their relationship. Given what he's like, it may well be true that she doesn't want to go near him (!) though she may not know he's a cheat.

A lot of women feel they need to gather hard evidence of a partner's bad behaviour to be able to end their relationship even if they already have plenty of hard evidence of bad character. It might blow up into a massive PITA for you if you tell her, so maybe think about it for another hour and then do it or move on and forget him. As the wife, I would want to know but at the same time, her life choices to stay with a narc aren't your problem.

Holidaysrule · 30/07/2024 12:32

You were quite happy to continue the relationship when he was cheating on his wife with you. You are not happy to continue to relationship when he is cheating on you with other people. Do not kid yourself that any of the decisions you are making are in the best interests of his wife. Block and move on.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 30/07/2024 13:27

CitizenZ · 30/07/2024 12:24

I think the wife has the right to the information, what she chooses to do with that information is up to her.

Agreed. He dragged you into his marriage.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 30/07/2024 13:35

Why didn't you want to tell his wife the minute you found out about her? Why only now you know you aren't his only 'side chick'?

PistachioFrapp · 30/07/2024 13:44

Yes I'm sure it's a good thing to tell her and let her make her own decision.

But let's not pretend you're doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You weren't worried about his wife's feelings until it went sour for you, so enjoy your revenge and let's hope the wife can pick up the pieces for herself.

YellowAsteroid · 30/07/2024 13:50

Don't tell her - you're just using her to assuage your guilty conscience.

DaisyChain505 · 30/07/2024 13:52

Tell her because you want her to know not because you’re angry at him.

if you choose to do it, be kind, offer evidence of messages and photos etc.

bosqueverde · 30/07/2024 13:59

Why do we justify our views on the purity of OP's intentions?

Does it matter that the motivation for telling this man's wife is revenge (if it is)? Or that the motivation for not telling is fear (if it is)?

Taking a leaf out of Bentham, let's be consequentialist about this. If you do speak up OP, what are the consequences? And if you don't? Consider both options, and choose what minimises harm in a messy situation created by a maybe narcy, surely nasty, man.

And to hell with the supposed purity of intent. If you decide to do this man's wife a hard favour, look at yourself in the mirror, raise a fist and tell yourself this b**d deserves all the shit he's getting from you both. If you decide to walk away, do the same and tell yourself you're a survivor who can go through the worst and keep shtum.

Airbrb · 30/07/2024 14:03

No - just get away and rebuild your own life

kkloo · 30/07/2024 14:03

Yes, tell her.

pinkducky · 30/07/2024 14:09

I'm a bit bemused that you ended the relationship when you found out he was on dating sites, but not when you found out he has a wife!

Honestly, if I was the wife I would want to know. If you tell her, don't do it anonymously. Go to her with evidence that he can't explain away. The worst thing you can do is plant the seed and then vanish, because she'll spiral and he'll gaslight and she'll end up staying unhappily.

Beth216 · 30/07/2024 14:14

Don't tell her if you're not going to provide her with evidence, you're just messing with her head else and he'll convince her with his lies. Send screen shots of dating sites and messages, tell her details to prove it's true. She deserves better and there's a big chance she has no idea if he is a narc. They give everyone their best face and lying comes as naturally as breathing.

leeverarch · 30/07/2024 14:23

If I were the poor wife in this situation I think I would want to be told what a despicable cheating shit he is. Knowledge is power.

CassieMaddox · 30/07/2024 14:26

Beth216 · 30/07/2024 14:14

Don't tell her if you're not going to provide her with evidence, you're just messing with her head else and he'll convince her with his lies. Send screen shots of dating sites and messages, tell her details to prove it's true. She deserves better and there's a big chance she has no idea if he is a narc. They give everyone their best face and lying comes as naturally as breathing.

This - I'd do it anonymously then walk away from the whole thing.

I don't think most people being cheated on do know, that's a comfort blanket so others can justify not getting involved.

whichwayisup · 30/07/2024 14:28

I have no idea why people say not to tell the wife. Why? Is there a wife out there that wouldn't want to know? And if she exists then she'll just ignore it and carry on anyway.

Clueless2024 · 30/07/2024 14:31

You have to tell her! I WISH somebody had told me.

If you have proof, even better. Trust me, she probably suspects, but doesn't have evidence and as you have also discovered, he's an excellent liar.

phoenixrisingup · 30/07/2024 14:32

Anonym00se · 30/07/2024 10:52

I’ve been the wife here, and contrary to the consensus I really wish someone had told me and spared me years of hell with no proof, thinking I’d lost my marbles.

But for your own sake I’d draw a line under it and move on. He could get nasty and you’ve learned your lesson already. Just let it go.

Same. I was also the wife in this situation and wish I had been told. 16 years of my life lost to a serial cheater.

LifeExperience · 30/07/2024 14:37

I was the wife in this scenario and I wish someone would have told me. At the very least she is risking her health without her knowledge and consent, and she deserves to know that.

Mmhmmn · 30/07/2024 14:43

A “hard favour” is a good way of putting it!

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