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Original poster

Shall I tell the wife after affair with narc husband?

114 replies

singlelostmama · 30/07/2024 09:26

Looking for some advice.

I'm just out of a 4 month 'affair' with a married man. Who it is now apparent to me is a Narcissist.

Met him via Tinder - he lived very closed to me, initially he lied to me and told me him and wife were separated.
He started very intensely, texting me all the time, like 100's of text a day. I believe this is called 'love bombing'. He was extremely complimentary and seemed very into me.

The relationship carried on - but I found out he was still married and confronted him about this. He told me his wife didnt want/desire him and made me feel sorry for him. So I continued the relationship (for which I feel bad now).

I went through cycles of highs to despair and anxiety, knowing something wasn't right, but he always drew me back in.

Anyway my friends constantly told me this guy was no good for me and I needed to ditch - but he had me in the crazy cycle.

Anyway I was suspicious of him - wondering if he had multiple versions of me. So I went on dating apps he had mentioned. Caught him red handed - by fake profile - doing the same thing.

I confronted him .... pointless he denied. He played the victim of course saying I had the control to tell his wife and he would loose everything.

I've blocked him - no contact.

I know what I did was wrong (affair with married Man) and I feel awful for this, and I do not want revenge to be clear, however I really want to tell his wife what a total scumbag he is. I feel she should be aware - it wasn't just me there has been loads of women I sure - this guy is a professional at this.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
Any ideas on how I might do this?
Any warnings?
Thoughts...

OP posts:
Original poster
singlelostmama · 30/07/2024 15:28

bosqueverde · 30/07/2024 13:59

Why do we justify our views on the purity of OP's intentions?

Does it matter that the motivation for telling this man's wife is revenge (if it is)? Or that the motivation for not telling is fear (if it is)?

Taking a leaf out of Bentham, let's be consequentialist about this. If you do speak up OP, what are the consequences? And if you don't? Consider both options, and choose what minimises harm in a messy situation created by a maybe narcy, surely nasty, man.

And to hell with the supposed purity of intent. If you decide to do this man's wife a hard favour, look at yourself in the mirror, raise a fist and tell yourself this b**d deserves all the shit he's getting from you both. If you decide to walk away, do the same and tell yourself you're a survivor who can go through the worst and keep shtum.

Thanks so much for this bosqueverde. I really like what you've written.

To those asking why I didnt walk away when I found out he was married I'm ashamed to say, I believed his lies, and the 'pull' back to him. I wasnt in a great mental place myself...so I guess I was selfish... I'll admit I've played with fire and been burnt. I feel guilty as hell.

But - I would want to know if I suspected my DH, and this is why I think it plays on my mind now

I will write the list. And decide....

OP posts:
Whatthefuck3456 · 30/07/2024 15:55

You clearly thought you was special! The minute you continued the affair, reguardless of what was going on within his marriage he was still married. You are no better than him! Now you’re unhappy because there is more than just one side chick! Get some self respect!

Opentooffers · 30/07/2024 16:10

To people with low self esteem, love-bombing is wonderful and massages the ego. For people who know their worth, and understand expected normal behaviour, lovebombing is just plain creepy and gives the ick.
You were ripe for the taking, that's what you need to work on. He just needed to give you attention and complements for you to sleep with him although married. I hope you at least got presents and wined and dined too - yes too much of that should be a red flag too, but at least you've got something to show for it then.

WeeOrcadian · 30/07/2024 16:10

Imagine the situation reversed

Would YOU want to know?

I know I would

And get tested for STDs

Boomer55 · 30/07/2024 17:28

Their marriage is not your business. Step away.

Danbury · 31/07/2024 14:32

Someone needs to tell his wife what he's up to. For her sake.

thehelpfulghost · 31/07/2024 14:43

If I was the wife I'd definitely want to know, why wouldn't you warn her what a slime ball he is?
She could catch anything.
If he was a woman sleeping around with hundreds of men, you bet your bottom dollar she'd be outed by the men and purely to warn them what she was.
But that's the difference between men and woman, men stand with their so called (bro's) against woman like this but woman never call out men "being men" and are expected to walk away with dignity not causing unnecessary problems for the man.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 31/07/2024 14:46

MillyMollyMandHey · 30/07/2024 10:45

You’re not doing it for her, come on.

You’re just mad now you’ve realised you were just another little irrelevant, tawdry affair.

This. At least own it.

TellySavalashairbrush · 31/07/2024 14:48

Leave well alone. This man sounds dangerous and could cause all sorts of trouble for you if you go and tell his wife. It is highly likely she already has a very good idea that he is unfaithful. She may tolerate it, or may be making plans to leave him. No good will come of you talking to either of them.

Danbury · 31/07/2024 14:54

TellySavalashairbrush · 31/07/2024 14:48

Leave well alone. This man sounds dangerous and could cause all sorts of trouble for you if you go and tell his wife. It is highly likely she already has a very good idea that he is unfaithful. She may tolerate it, or may be making plans to leave him. No good will come of you talking to either of them.

With kindness, when someone posts about it being highly likely the wife has some sort of an idea about her husband being unfaithful, there is always someone who comes along and critiques this suggestion. In this thread, that's me!

I am sure there are women across the world who turn a blind eye, but there are also many, many women who do not have the first idea that they are being cheated on. It's a very distressing situation to be in to discover many people knew about your partner's infidelity and you were just merrily carrying on with the life that you thought you had.

Be aware that some people are expert at compartmentalisation and covering their cheating.

74Violette · 02/08/2024 07:15

It doesn't really matter if the motive is revenge or not. It would help the wife to know the facts so that she's armed with enough information to make a decision. I would definitely want to know and not waste more years of my life tied to a narcissistic scumbag. Both women need to get tested too, these multiple affairs are detrimental to the poor wife's health, so I would say tell her all you can.

Be wary though OP of the consequences of his anger and weigh up all the risks first.

ilikeeggs · 02/08/2024 07:23

I would tell her but make sure you also send her evidence.

Elektra1 · 02/08/2024 07:44

I was cheated on by my wife. When I found out about OW (we're gay), I wondered if I should tell the OW's wife (we all knew each other). I didn't. I concluded that it wasn't my place to meddle in someone else's marriage. For all I knew, they might have had an open marriage. So I said nothing. It wasn't long before she found out anyway.

Nigglenaggle · 02/08/2024 07:52

I would tell her and give her the evidence. She probably suspects but then doubts herself. Let her know she's not mad.

Nigglenaggle · 02/08/2024 07:53

And as others have said, what if he gives her chlamydia and she doesn't realise and get treated and she's then infertile? You can stop that.

Bourneo · 02/08/2024 07:57

Honestly, if you truly believe this man to be a narcissist, run as far away as you can. Do not have anything more to do with him or b tell the wife. He will seek revenge and ruin your life. It's very hard to get rid of a narc, so be grateful you escaped with just a broken heart. The wife is probably well aware of his behaviour and has tried to get out for years.

Authorinwaiting · 02/08/2024 09:10

Anonym00se · 30/07/2024 10:52

I’ve been the wife here, and contrary to the consensus I really wish someone had told me and spared me years of hell with no proof, thinking I’d lost my marbles.

But for your own sake I’d draw a line under it and move on. He could get nasty and you’ve learned your lesson already. Just let it go.

This!
I was the wife here. I was constantly wondering was I being lied too but then being gaslit into thinking I was being ridiculous.

I just needed proof either way to make a decision. I got it in the end when he left me for his younger now ex wife.

I think your opening yourself up
To lots of drama if you tell her personally. In your shoes I'd walk away. But from the wives point
Of view. Only tell me if you're giving me hard proof he can't dispute. And
Do it quietly so
I can plan an exit.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 02/08/2024 09:10

You want to do this to get back at him. I don't think it's the wrong thing to do, but own your part in it.

I don't even think you believe he's a narcissist. He sounds like just your bog-standard cheating man to me.

GreenFields07 · 02/08/2024 09:31

I would tell her. Anyone in this situation would surely want to know themselves, but deny that to others just because you don't know them. Tell her anonymously, if he has so many others on the go he wont even know which one has told her. Own your shit and work on yourself, but for her sake yes she should know.

YourWildAmberSloth · 02/08/2024 09:46

In her shoes, I would want to know. But don't expect her to thank you for it, and stop pretending that you are doing it for her sake. You lost the moral high ground when you continued the affair once you discovered he was married.

Beautiful3 · 02/08/2024 09:53

I actually would want to know. Send her a message or letter.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/08/2024 09:56

cloudsprite · 30/07/2024 11:38

If he is a serial dater like you say, I'm guessing she already knows and your just one in a long line of affairs he's had.

Not necessarily. Some men are brilliant at compartmentalising. They don’t sh*t on their own door step. They are very good at working out the logistics so the wife can’t connect the dots. They keep their wives sweet so she doesn’t have any suspicions. It can go on for years. She could be completely oblivious and would rather know the truth.

Jiski · 02/08/2024 10:26

Tell the wife anonymously. Send pictures of all his profiles online etc. I would want to know but you shouldn’t have to get caught in the middle.

AngryBird6122 · 02/08/2024 10:37

I personally would want to know

It needs to be done in as kind a way as possible

shocked all the comments saying stay out of it

CanelliniBeans · 02/08/2024 10:51

You were prepared to carry on and hurt his wife before. It's only now YOU are being betrayed as well that you want to tell her. Selfish?

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