Shall I tell the wife after affair with narc husband?

[singlelostmama]

Looking for some advice.

I'm just out of a 4 month 'affair' with a married man. Who it is now apparent to me is a Narcissist.

Met him via Tinder - he lived very closed to me, initially he lied to me and told me him and wife were separated.
He started very intensely, texting me all the time, like 100's of text a day. I believe this is called 'love bombing'. He was extremely complimentary and seemed very into me.

The relationship carried on - but I found out he was still married and confronted him about this. He told me his wife didnt want/desire him and made me feel sorry for him. So I continued the relationship (for which I feel bad now).

I went through cycles of highs to despair and anxiety, knowing something wasn't right, but he always drew me back in.

Anyway my friends constantly told me this guy was no good for me and I needed to ditch - but he had me in the crazy cycle.

Anyway I was suspicious of him - wondering if he had multiple versions of me. So I went on dating apps he had mentioned. Caught him red handed - by fake profile - doing the same thing.

I confronted him .... pointless he denied. He played the victim of course saying I had the control to tell his wife and he would loose everything.

I've blocked him - no contact.

I know what I did was wrong (affair with married Man) and I feel awful for this, and I do not want revenge to be clear, however I really want to tell his wife what a total scumbag he is. I feel she should be aware - it wasn't just me there has been loads of women I sure - this guy is a professional at this.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
Any ideas on how I might do this?
Any warnings?
Thoughts...

She's probably doing the same. No one seems to be faithful any more, it's sad.

"The same" as in, being on multiple dating apps, lying about separation, making a lover feel sorry / guilty about wanting to end this whole charade...?
Is "deceiving" a yes/no thing? or are some forms of betrayal worse than others?

You’re not doing it for her, come on.

You’re just mad now you’ve realised you were just another little irrelevant, tawdry affair.

You've blocked him, which is good.

Don't engage in the ongoing drama around his life by telling his wife etc. If he had you in such a spin after only four months, you need to run far away from any and everything that concerns him.

Spend the time building up and ridding yourself of any lingering damage, so you're less susceptible to this kind of thing next time round.

You knew he was a scum bag when you found out he was married but that was ok then because your ego thought you were special.

Now you’ve realised you’re not that special you want to blow him up to his wife.

walk away - this is all about your ego

So you want to get back at him for you being gullible?, it is not the wifes fault you had an affair

You are not doing it for her

I’ve been the wife here, and contrary to the consensus I really wish someone had told me and spared me years of hell with no proof, thinking I’d lost my marbles.

But for your own sake I’d draw a line under it and move on. He could get nasty and you’ve learned your lesson already. Just let it go.

Do you think she'll be grateful? Or do you think you'll be called a lying b*tch who needs to leave her DH the hell alone? You won't win if you speak out. I'd shake the dust off, pick up your dignity and leave them to it.

If you knew her personally, I'd anonymously suggested sti testing, which I hope you've done OP.

I'd leave it otherwise.

If you were so concerned about this woman why did you have an affair with her husband?

You're not concerned about her.

You're just looking for more drama and a way to prolong the illusion that you and he are somehow connected and that you're a "good person".

You've done what you've done. Now move forward.

While as a wife I’d want to know, in this case OP, you sound bitter.
Youre wanting to tell his wife cos you found out you weren’t his only dirty little secret, and that seems like revenge to me.

Just lick your wounds OP. You should have walked away when you found out he was married. In fact had you told his wife once you found out he was married, I’d have had a bit more sympathy for you. But you know it’s not about his wife.

Walk away from that mess and activate your BS radar on those dating apps. While you’re at it, you might want to order a test kit if you haven’t ordered one!

Yes, definitely tell her.

It’s hard because everyone is telling you to walk away, which I don’t necessarily disagree with. But also I rarely hear people say “I wish I never found out about the cheating”. So…. What would you want to happen if you were her?

I would ask her 'so you met on Tinder so what it is about that site that is a reputable place for a shag?'

Have a bit of dignity. Walk away. Leave her alone.

For all you know she might already be aware of his transgressions.

Keep busy. Move on. Put it down to experience.

Is that relevant? I’m not talking about whether the OP is a good person or made a good decision or whether telling the wife is bitter or selfish.

But women pull their hair out for years and get gaslit by their cheating husbands because their suspicions have no proof. So “walking away” does the wife even less favours than shagging her husband

Honestly - this is what is going through my mind, not revenge. Infact blowing up someone's life is not what I want to do, and this is stopping me to be honest.

You just need to put this whole sorry thing behind you. No good can come from continuing and causing more drama.
If he’s the way you describe you will be framed as the crazy one he had a one-night stand with who got obsessed blah blah blah. Then you’ll just have his wife coming after you.
9/10 they stay together anyway even when discovered.

I recently found out my OH was having an affair - her husband found out. I am forever grateful to him (her husband) that he immediately told me, with no hesitation or over thinking. He was the only person who was honest to me.

I'd just thank your lucky stars it didn't end in a worse mess and ensure you never fall for love bombing again.

There's a horrible criminal case going on in the states ATM featuring Mr & Mrs Benefield. That story starts with live bombing too.

It would be an unusually wise woman who wants to hear from the OW. Leave it.

We all say that, but in reality most of us would be suspicious of an angry stranger who pops up to talk to us from nowhere.

A tip off from a close friend would be different.

If he is a serial dater like you say, I'm guessing she already knows and your just one in a long line of affairs he's had.

I’m finding interesting how answers are so varied from one thread to the next.
Most of the time, the answer is ‘tell the wife. I would want to know’…

Fwiw, I think it would be fair to tell her.
I also think you know exactly how he is and what cycle he had you in, reigning you back in again and again. And telling you lies.
Hell do the same thing to her. She very likely won’t feel like leaving him. Just like you didn’t.
But it might be one more thing that will make her think. One more small thing added to the stack of ‘small things he did’ that will give her the courage to say Enough is Enough.

It wont make you feel better though. That’s something you’ll have to deal with within yourself. Understanding how you fell into his power. And why.

Find a way to send her copies of his profiles on all those dating sites and all the love bombing. He will be telling you all he told her.

Report his philandering to the dating sites and let them deal with it. Most sites know they have spouses on their books but unless they have proof positive there's not much they can do.

Then go to your friends. Have a good cry and get very very drunk. Once the hangover is over wash your face and face your future. He's a narcissist so he will turn nasty but that's why you chose your moment and prepare for any fallout.

She needs to know but won't like it. He'll go into one so be safe.