34, no kids yet and thinking of leaving my husband

[Daisy223]

Hi everyone, I'm writing this half 12 at night as I can't get to sleep.

I'm 34, I've been with my husband who is 39 for 9 years, married for two. No kids.

I don't really know where to start but the short of it is that I think that I want to/ should leave him.

Our relationship has never been "easy" as we're two very different people - him a very emotional person, suffers with anxiety/bouts of depression, anger problems and can be difficult to be around at times. However he is self-reflective and has improved a lot over the years... whereas I'm very emotionally stable, which tbh I think is why we've stayed together for so long as I tend to get over things easily and I guess "put up" with things if I'm being honest.

Anyway... we also don't have sex. Like, ever. Twice on our honeymoon, once since then. We've wanted to start a family since we've been married however obviously the lack of sex is making that quite difficult and it's been a big source of stress for the both of us (especially me). DH says that it's not that he doesn't want to or that he lacks sex drive (quite the opposite so he says, I don't know which would make me feel worse), it's that he's lost confidence and doesn't "know how" any more. DH has always promised it will get better, he's extremely supportive and says all the right things but I'm 34 and nothing's changed. I'm acutely aware of my age and that I'm running out of time to start a family.

I think about the future and the thought of not having sex for the rest of my life seems insane, even though that's how it's been for most of our relationship.

I earn more money than DH who admits he is not career or money driven. I do all of the housework (he cooks more) and he's also a very untidy person. I'm starting to feel like I want more from my life.

We have a lot of incompatibilities which we're both very aware of and have both tried hard to work through them but I just feel worn out.

Having said all of this, DH is a thoughtful, affectionate and loving person and has a lot of amazing qualities.

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be. I feel like deep down it's what I want to do but the thought of actually doing it feels completely inconceivable and also, what if the grass isn't greener? We have an amazing friendship group and all of that would change too.

I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation in terms of age, wanting to have kids and leaving a long term relationship.

Thank you x

I have been in a similar situation @Daisy223. My ex was getting way more from the relationship than I was. I was the breadwinner by far, he had zero motivation for work and didn’t want to better himself. It was me who would push him to ask for pay rises or go for promotions or better paid jobs etc. Our relationship was more or less sexless too. I done the lions share of everything in the house. Over time I knew I wanted to leave but felt immense guilt as I knew he’d be devastated. He also suffered from depression and had hinted that he would do something stupid if I left. I stayed for way longer than I should have and regret wasting as much time in the situation as I did.

Fast forward 4 years and I am now cuddling my 6 week old son during the night feeds 🥰.

I agree with a PP that it sounds as if he doesn’t want children, hence the lack of sex. If you did end up having a child with this man, you would be stuck doing all the housework and looking after a new baby. You would end up resenting your DH.

At 34 this is the perfect age to get out and start again. The longer you wait, the longer it is holding you back from the life you want and deserve

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be.

It can't be quite such a great fear if he's never even sought therapeutic or medical help with it.

You are wasting your time.

Divorce was the best thing I ever did. My exH had anger issues, depression, was less money orientated (but enjoyed all those mortgage overpayment i made) and did very little around the house. One day an aunt told me to imagine having a baby with him, like really really picture the every day, and I became utterly terrified.

I met current DH within 6 months of telling exH that I was leaving. Yes, not a long time, but mentally I had left the relationship a LONG time before, like you I was staying out of guilt. Once I got out there, I found I was very bold, decisive, and picky and didn't settle for anything less than I deserved. My new found confidence was amazing. And I haven't lost it since!

Be careful. My passive, depressed exDH who didn't care about money, suddenly DID care about money and became VERY grabby and vindictive. Take legal advice.

You are married to someone who is now essentially not much more than a friend who sponges off you a lot. And you don't particularly like a lot of the time.

You would like a child. You aren't happy. He doesn't make you happy.

Why are you with him apart from because he gives you some emotional blackmail about how he wouldn't be happy? That's abusive as it's manipulation.

You are settling for something you don't want.

Fast forward ten years. Is this the life you want? Will it be enough for you? Or will you always feel you should have taken a risk? Do you want to feel like youve missed out on something important in your life - children and forever resent him for it.

This isn't what you want. If it's not working now, it's unlikely to.

Your choice but focus on your future self in ten years.

My god. Life is too short. Get out on an emergency basis.

I think you need to follow your gut on this and get out now. I had my kids at 37 & 38. You're not too old, you have plenty of time to meet someone and spend time with them first. Please cut ties and go. You shouldn't be living like this.

Leave him. It won’t get better.

Absolutely, plus he doesn’t give a shiny shit about her greatest fear, but is actively stopping her having children.

I think this is probably over, but i wonder if you told him this has become a marriage breaker and you are serious about leaving if he might do something eg get some viagra, have his testosterone level checked etc. is he having erections at all?
you are approaching the wrong side of your fertile years, so if kids are something you want then further waiting for this guy won't help you though. If it comes to it in 2 years and you're single would you 'go it alone' and try for a child eg with donor sperm? A thought for another day i guess, but i suppose i am telling you you need to get cracking here.

I think it's just as well you haven't had kids with him. It would make this 10x worse suffers with anxiety/bouts of depression, anger problems and can be difficult to be around at times
Plus you'd be even more worn out doing all the housework and baby care and earning and picking up his mess.

I think you know what you need to do. Imagine your life like this forever. No more sex or spark with your DH. Thats pretty bleak.

Reading the title of this thread, I was ready to go against what I assumed would be the grain, and advise that you should stay in order to have children. But he won't be giving you children! So definitely leave immediately.

There was a thread earlier today about people meeting partners 35+ and it could be encouraging for you x

People who met someone and had a baby 35+ www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5130529-people-who-met-someone-and-had-a-baby-35

Anger problems, leaves you to work more and do most housework, and no sex?! Does he bring anything at all to the relationship?!
He's selfish and manipulative- if he's like this now just imagine if you shared a child or he had a job with any stress involved!
Get out asap don't waste a second more on him.
Tell him when you wake up and get planning your new life! It'll probably be good for him too, you might be enabling him to fester in a rut when he can't be happy with his life either. Set yourselves free! 🤩

I was in much the same boat at a similar age. It was the hardest decision but I split, we divorced. I met the love of my life and remarried.

OP don’t worry about him not coping without you. For one, he doesn’t actually care for you all that much. You can see how much someone cares from what they do.
Look at what you do for him - accommodating his moods, denying yourself children(!!!), as well as sexual pleasure, bringing in the money AND doing the housework - all to make his life easier and better.
What does he do to make your life easier and better?
You’ll be surprised how quickly he’ll find another woman after your divorce and maybe even have kids with her, and maybe even get a better job and start doing his share because he might actually love her.
He just doesn’t want any of that with you.

You are worth more OP- good luck OP, you can do this

Yeah.
Just leave him.
Your life has the potential to become so much better!
Dead weight.

He wants to drag you down with him into his pit and keep you there by future faking. You have a choice to make re this man and I would suggest you no longer settle for the meagre crumbs you’re still being given. What indeed does he go to make your life better?. He resents your very being and this type of man hates women, all of them.You are worth more but you need to believe that for your own self.

Also you are not responsible for him and or his actions. He is only interested in getting his own needs met.

Read about codependency and see how much of this reflects your own behaviour to him in this relationship. And do plan your exit from this with due care, he will likely turn nasty when he sees his easy life gravy train coming to an end.

As the higher earner I’d be making an appointment with a solicitor to see how your assets are divided in the event of divorce

“RedToothBrush · Today 03:17
You are married to someone who is now essentially not much more than a friend who sponges off you a lot. And you don't particularly like a lot of the time.

You would like a child. You aren't happy. He doesn't make you happy.

Why are you with him apart from because he gives you some emotional blackmail about how he wouldn't be happy? That's abusive as it's manipulation.

You are settling for something you don't want.

Fast forward ten years. Is this the life you want? Will it be enough for you? Or will you always feel you should have taken a risk? Do you want to feel like youve missed out on something important in your life - children and forever resent him for it.

This isn't what you want. If it's not working now, it's unlikely to.

Your choice but focus on your future self in ten years.”

Beautifully put by @RedToothBrush. Of course he dreads you leaving. He gets exponentially more out of this relationship than you do. You need out, OP. This relationship is actually bad for both of you. Bad for you because you give hugely and get very little back. Bad for him because it allows him to get away with being such a poor partner. This is not the man to have children with. This is a man who does only what he can be bothered to do and no more - of the household chores, he only does what he likes doing. Please, please move on. And from the perspective of what he might get on divorce (2 years is a very short marriage), it is better to go now than leave it. Also gives you more time to find someone to have children with.

This was me: sexless relationship, split at 34, married by 36, children at 37 & 39.

PS - I mean it is better to start the ball rolling on leaving now than leave it another few years. Believe us when we say how he is now reflects how he will be as a parent. I’m not interested in his wellbeing, only yours, but actually ending things now would be doing you and him both a favour as this relationship is bad for him too because it enables him in being a very poor partner.

OP you’re still young and fresh- compared to me at 43. Look, I’d get out now. domt have kids with this person. What does not being money driven even mean?! In this day and age with the cost of living crisis?!

will you be able to live like this for the next 10 years?