34, no kids yet and thinking of leaving my husband

[Daisy223]

Hi everyone, I'm writing this half 12 at night as I can't get to sleep.

I'm 34, I've been with my husband who is 39 for 9 years, married for two. No kids.

I don't really know where to start but the short of it is that I think that I want to/ should leave him.

Our relationship has never been "easy" as we're two very different people - him a very emotional person, suffers with anxiety/bouts of depression, anger problems and can be difficult to be around at times. However he is self-reflective and has improved a lot over the years... whereas I'm very emotionally stable, which tbh I think is why we've stayed together for so long as I tend to get over things easily and I guess "put up" with things if I'm being honest.

Anyway... we also don't have sex. Like, ever. Twice on our honeymoon, once since then. We've wanted to start a family since we've been married however obviously the lack of sex is making that quite difficult and it's been a big source of stress for the both of us (especially me). DH says that it's not that he doesn't want to or that he lacks sex drive (quite the opposite so he says, I don't know which would make me feel worse), it's that he's lost confidence and doesn't "know how" any more. DH has always promised it will get better, he's extremely supportive and says all the right things but I'm 34 and nothing's changed. I'm acutely aware of my age and that I'm running out of time to start a family.

I think about the future and the thought of not having sex for the rest of my life seems insane, even though that's how it's been for most of our relationship.

I earn more money than DH who admits he is not career or money driven. I do all of the housework (he cooks more) and he's also a very untidy person. I'm starting to feel like I want more from my life.

We have a lot of incompatibilities which we're both very aware of and have both tried hard to work through them but I just feel worn out.

Having said all of this, DH is a thoughtful, affectionate and loving person and has a lot of amazing qualities.

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be. I feel like deep down it's what I want to do but the thought of actually doing it feels completely inconceivable and also, what if the grass isn't greener? We have an amazing friendship group and all of that would change too.

I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation in terms of age, wanting to have kids and leaving a long term relationship.

Thank you x

Oh god, you have to get out of this marriage. It's just not serving you at all. And his comment about his greatest fear, is pure manipulation. He knows he's not a good husband and rather than do anything to improve himself he's guilt tripped you into staying.

Does he have family who would support him if you split? Because you need to leave them to it. You're not his therapist and it's not your responsibility to make sure he's ok. It'll make it harder for you move on.

Try not to feel guilty. I know that's easier said than done. But he's known for a long time he's not a good husband. He's had plenty of time to do something about it but hasn't. He's really not left you with any choice here. You only get one life. You need to do what's right for you.

Look OP you have answered your own question here .This is not a life for you.34 is young and you have your whole life ahead of you! Please dont waste it on this unambitious man ,he is happy to cruise through life with you steering the boat! Imagine having a baby for 1 moment, You will do all the donkey work and work as well ,his life will barely change .5 or 10 years on you will be back here asking how to leave with a child or two in tow! Make a break for freedom .Its amazing how many men survive divorce !

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him

But he's making no effort to make you want to stay. Really, all that stuff about wanting sex but having lost confidence is utter rubbish, isn't it? He's either gay or using porn extensively.

There's no point in continuing if you two don't work as a team towards the same goal. You are just wasting time that you could use to meet someone more suitable who wants the same things with you. Your DH is happy to just float around in your marriage without doing what needs to be done. How he reacts and deals with you walking out is not your responsibility and you shouldn't delay leaving him because of that.

The difficult qualities you list re money and household tasks wd undoubtedly get worse were you to have DC, however impossible having them would be in the current circumstances. I think it's important to give yourself permission to leave. It sounds like there are too many issues to spend time in relationship counselling sorting them if you want to get on with a life that's not dragged down by him. It sounds like you have come to a decision really and are slightly shocked by it. Maybe you have just reached the end of the line with it - for me once I've decided there's no going back, therapy or no therapy.

Sounds like you fear telling him because of how he might react. That tells me that a) you're afraid of him and b) that you need to remember this is the rest of your life hanging in the balance - so what if he's upset?

A final thought - remembering that you've been putting off finishing it because he said he wouldn't cope - now imagine the very likely scenario that he gets together with someone else quicker than you thought possible, and probably before you do. Does that make you feel better about hurting him?

Posts like yours are so sad.
Wasting your life on a loser.
You are being used and some day you will bitterly regret it.
Start with counselling to figure out why your self esteem is so low that you would marry such a waster.
You would be bonkers to have a child with him, but that would involve sex, so unlikely.
He probably doesn't want children. Who knows.

Stop wasting your life op and leave before he ages you out of your own future.

I think you should leave for you. But not because you want kids. Because realistically...it'll take a couple of years to get over him and find someone suitable you like, that likes you. Longer possibly, considering you often find after a few months with someone, they aren't compatible.

Then likely a couple more years to get to the point where trying for children is even relevant.

Those are fairly conservative estimates. By that time you'll be 38/39. And although we like to say there's still time... its difficult for many to get pregnant at that age.

So don't leave him for a hypothetical child.
Leave him because you only have one life and ge isn't making you happy.

Its not difficult for "many" to get pregnant because they're 38/39 its difficult for some women to get pregnant at all and often they don't discover that fact until they start trying, which might be at that age. If you're fertile anyway, you're likely to get pregnant into your early 40s.

At 40 you have an average of a 10% chance of what you had below the age of 25. Fertility is hugely affected by age.

But yes it's fair to say that often people face underlying issues they don't notice until they start trying.

Those problems don’t sound resolveable and it would be unwise to have DC with your H. Given your age would leave asap and be brutal about doing what’s best for you alone.

Hi Daisy, I wanted to reach out as I made the decision to split from my husband at 34, pre children like you. The decision was made a few months ago and despite my username (😂) I am so so so pleased I made the step. It was the hardest, bravest thing I have ever done and my new life is now taking to take shape. Ultimately I wasn’t happy and my gut just got louder and louder until I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Please feel free to message me if you’d find it helpful, I found the experience quite isolating and everything I googled was talking about childcare etc which wasn’t relevant to me x

Leave today. Like now. What are you waiting for ?

' I honestly can't imagine much he would spiral if I did say I wanted to leave.'

Not your problem, not your responsibility.

He is not a child, he is not your child.

' him a very emotional person, suffers with anxiety/bouts of depression, anger problems and can be difficult to be around at times. '

why have you put with this / allowed this, for 9 years.

you are not his GP nor his Counsellor !

time to throw this one back, get divorced and find someone better, much better and whom wants children, and realises / knows / understands that you need to have sex to have children...

LTB . Fast

One day an aunt told me to imagine having a baby with him, like really really picture the every day, and I became utterly terrified.

I WISH someone told me this when I was in your situation OP. Leaving now before you have DC is the right choice. Do not accidentally have DC with him.* *

If your in a serious relationship or married you both need to have goals and be willing to work towards those. I know some couples decide not to have children but this is a joint decision.
Your married this man and your earning more.He is not overly concerned about money. Why would he not be concerned about money when your the higher earner? He is also happy leaving you to carry more of the load regarding house, bills ect.

He has shown his true colours and he won't step up to improve the current situation of no sex drive or no sex yet expects you to stay around and play happy couples with him.
Your only 34 and being honest you deserve better than him.
I think you need to tell him it over after you get legal advice regarding a divorce.
Tell him that it's clear to you that he does not want a family and you can't wait for him to grow up. Don't listen to his excuses any longer and leave.

I know this won't be easy but other women here have done it. They met men who wanted the same as them.

That is only a statistic and statistics are more unreliable (mostly taken from a small sample of people in the 1960s) than most forms of birth control.

Getting some eggs frozen now may buy you a bit more time whichever path you choose.

Oh OP, my heart aches for you. You sound kind and loyal, speaking up for your husband and desperate to avoid hurting him.

But please, it’s time to rip off the Band-aid. Don’t waste what’s left of your fertile years. You need to be with a man who is enthusiastic about having a family. Or else consider going it alone.

Separately, DH needs to see his GP, who should be able to refer him to a specialist about his sex problems. But that’s for him. It won’t solve your problem.

In my honest opinion you are just not compatible. It's not you or him

As difficult as it may be, I'd leave. What you describe is no way to live. You both deserve happiness.

It's very brave to write all that down op. Fair play to you.

You love him but you aren't in love anymore.

You're 34. We are young! You deserve to be adored and have a fulfilling sex life.

I bet you if you left you will meet someone within a year or two and start having kids.

Please leave.

Imagine yourself ten years from today and you are still in the same situation?

Run girl. You deserve the world.

OP, you are better off being a single mother via sperm donation than being a mother to a baby that is neither cute or small, who doesn’t add anything to your life but is in fact a parasite.
You have until 44 to find a partner to have a baby with, if you don’t meet him by then, take your fertility into your own hands and have a baby on your own.

I hate it when people so flippantly band around deliberately being a single mother.

I understand some women, with strong family support systems, doing it as an absolute last resort. If it's something they desperately want.

But at just 34, and it seems, just considering the possibility of kids...i don't think thats op. It sounds more like...fomo (fear of missing out).

Kids deserve to enter into the world with 2 parents whenever possible.