34, no kids yet and thinking of leaving my husband

[Daisy223]

Hi everyone, I'm writing this half 12 at night as I can't get to sleep.

I'm 34, I've been with my husband who is 39 for 9 years, married for two. No kids.

I don't really know where to start but the short of it is that I think that I want to/ should leave him.

Our relationship has never been "easy" as we're two very different people - him a very emotional person, suffers with anxiety/bouts of depression, anger problems and can be difficult to be around at times. However he is self-reflective and has improved a lot over the years... whereas I'm very emotionally stable, which tbh I think is why we've stayed together for so long as I tend to get over things easily and I guess "put up" with things if I'm being honest.

Anyway... we also don't have sex. Like, ever. Twice on our honeymoon, once since then. We've wanted to start a family since we've been married however obviously the lack of sex is making that quite difficult and it's been a big source of stress for the both of us (especially me). DH says that it's not that he doesn't want to or that he lacks sex drive (quite the opposite so he says, I don't know which would make me feel worse), it's that he's lost confidence and doesn't "know how" any more. DH has always promised it will get better, he's extremely supportive and says all the right things but I'm 34 and nothing's changed. I'm acutely aware of my age and that I'm running out of time to start a family.

I think about the future and the thought of not having sex for the rest of my life seems insane, even though that's how it's been for most of our relationship.

I earn more money than DH who admits he is not career or money driven. I do all of the housework (he cooks more) and he's also a very untidy person. I'm starting to feel like I want more from my life.

We have a lot of incompatibilities which we're both very aware of and have both tried hard to work through them but I just feel worn out.

Having said all of this, DH is a thoughtful, affectionate and loving person and has a lot of amazing qualities.

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be. I feel like deep down it's what I want to do but the thought of actually doing it feels completely inconceivable and also, what if the grass isn't greener? We have an amazing friendship group and all of that would change too.

I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation in terms of age, wanting to have kids and leaving a long term relationship.

Thank you x

DH has always promised it will get better

That's what MN calls "future faking".

Sex 3x in 9 years?!

Wouldn't be for me, that.

I suggest therapy - solo! - to find out why you put up with this. Good luck OP. I feel for you.

Sex only theee times in 9 years ! And he's already primed the question by saying his greatest fear is that you will leave, making it your fault.

I'd say you are being used as cover for whatever reason. Is he gay? Or he's using you as a replacement mum or a flat mate.

Either way, you won't have a family without sex, and after 9 years, that isn't going to change. Your resentment will grow. I think you need to grasp the nettle and leave.

3x sex since they married 2 years ago, if I’m reading correctly.

Theres no point staying is there. He’s not going to change, but you can change your life by leaving.

Apologies, I wasn't clear - I didn't mean three times in 9 years. At the beginning of our relationship we had a LOT of sex and I would say once we moved in together at six months it started dwindling to what it is now, which is nothing.

I don't know why I've put up with it to be honest. It's amazing how you can get used to things.

@MugPlate

Read again. 3x sex in 9 years if I've read correctly.

I presume in 2024 most people have sex before they marry.

Funny how these people who 'aren't money driven' seem to couple up with people who are.

It sounds like you're there out of obligation/guilt.

You've grown apart. You want different things.

You're allowed to leave him.

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be.

I bet it is. He's comfortable and complacent now, as he knows you're valuing his feelings above your own. In a new relationship he will be expected to make an effort to satisfy a new partner.

He's shown you through empty promises that he has no intention of improving your relationship, so over to you.

OP has clarified, as you can see.

Sorry, see my post above as I didn't mean just three times in the whole of our relationship (my bad). Three times since we've been married. Which let's be honest isn't much better!

Ah o.k. OP. I get it now. Doesn't change a thing though about your dissatisfaction in the here and now.

@MugPlate Apologies. It's late.

He doesn't want DC. That's why it's dwindled to nothing as soon as you got back from honeymoon.

Might be conscious might be subconscious, but that's bound to be it. What else makes sense?

It’s OK OP, you’re actually in a good position. It’s better to split without children, you have a good career, and you’ve acknowledged your dissatisfaction. All good places to be.

He has foreseen your dissatisfaction and preemptively boxed you in with emotional blackmail. But you can set yourself free by giving yourself permission to place your own happiness above his.

You deserve more than what he offers.

Also: Men do not "forget" how to have sex. Not previously sexually active ones.

“He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be.”

It’s his greatest fear because he knows it’s a real and reasonable possibility. You can be gentle breaking the news, but if this relationship denies you sex, intimacy, and your chance to be a mother, you are perfectly within your rights to call time, and don’t let his emotional blackmail stifle your true self.

@Daisy223

I had my son at 36 after I met an amazing man travelling.

No longer together but I took that plunge and it's been fantastic. Of course life's ups and downs too, which is normal.

Have friends without children and they love their life too - with or without cats lol -

You never know what life brings.

While he has said that his greatest fear is me leaving him, he's also said that he would never want me to stay if I wasn't happy (this was while we were going through a rough patch).

He has changed for the better over the years and we've definitely both put the work in but ultimately I feel it's just still not enough.

@Daisy223

It is absolutely not enough.

You're 34, you have time to find a real partner and have children.

Don't waste another year on him.

It sounds like you're there out of obligation/guilt.

I think this is a big part of it. If I imagined him calling time on the marriage rather than me I think deep down I would be relieved, if I'm being brutally honest.

agree with you!

anger problems

I could have stopped reading there. You need to leave him immediately.

we also don't have sex. Like, ever. Twice on our honeymoon, once since then

For fuck's sake, what are you even doing, op? Honestly. This is not a marriage.

I do all of the housework (he cooks more) and he's also a very untidy person. I'm starting to feel like I want more from my life.

I genuinely think my head could explode. Why, why, why are you wasting your youth on this man? Imagine if a friend of yours told you the same things you've told us. You would beg her to leave her husband because you would be sick over how she's squandering her life for a useless man. Stop being your own worst enemy. If you don't leave him you will regret it for the rest of your life.

If I was in the relationship you're in I would not call it a marriage. At the very least you're gonna have to have find someone to have sex with if you want children.

Hi OP, don’t usually post but I wanted to pop in and say I’ve been in your exact situation - well I’m 2 years divorced now, he threw a huge fit when I broke up with him at the time of course but we’ve both moved on with new partners now. I often say my divorce was the bravest thing I’ve ever done and every day I’m so glad I did it. Staying with someone out of obligation is no life! He will be fine (and his happiness is not more important than yours) x

I needed to hear this. And you are absolutely right, I would tell my friend to get the hell away and that she can do so much better.

The worst thing is that I know that I can do better, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to get to this point. I'm a good person, I'm attractive (if I do say so myself hah!) and I've got a good job.

I need to grow some balls.

So on the one hand: if you stayed with him and slogged it out well into your fifties, do you think you might be happier because you didn’t hurt him? Would you be ok not having children?

on the other hand, you risk his “greatest fear” and leave. There’s no guarantee of children in this case, but you could try to meet someone, or even take the single mother route by making it happen on your own. And yes, he’d be hurt, and it is hard to dissolve a marriage, and the familiar is hard to let go of, but people heal.

I guess I’m getting a picture of an ongoing, unspoken wound (staying), vs a wound that has a chance to heal.

it’s a big decision. The anger problems would be enough for me. I can’t be with men who won’t go to therapy and learn to manage their emotions.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post, it's really comforting to hear you've been through it and have (both) came out the other side.

I honestly can't imagine much he would spiral if I did say I wanted to leave. I can't even imagine saying the words, but I know it's the right thing to do.

Thanks again, you've given me some courage x