34, no kids yet and thinking of leaving my husband

[Daisy223]

Hi everyone, I'm writing this half 12 at night as I can't get to sleep.

I'm 34, I've been with my husband who is 39 for 9 years, married for two. No kids.

I don't really know where to start but the short of it is that I think that I want to/ should leave him.

Our relationship has never been "easy" as we're two very different people - him a very emotional person, suffers with anxiety/bouts of depression, anger problems and can be difficult to be around at times. However he is self-reflective and has improved a lot over the years... whereas I'm very emotionally stable, which tbh I think is why we've stayed together for so long as I tend to get over things easily and I guess "put up" with things if I'm being honest.

Anyway... we also don't have sex. Like, ever. Twice on our honeymoon, once since then. We've wanted to start a family since we've been married however obviously the lack of sex is making that quite difficult and it's been a big source of stress for the both of us (especially me). DH says that it's not that he doesn't want to or that he lacks sex drive (quite the opposite so he says, I don't know which would make me feel worse), it's that he's lost confidence and doesn't "know how" any more. DH has always promised it will get better, he's extremely supportive and says all the right things but I'm 34 and nothing's changed. I'm acutely aware of my age and that I'm running out of time to start a family.

I think about the future and the thought of not having sex for the rest of my life seems insane, even though that's how it's been for most of our relationship.

I earn more money than DH who admits he is not career or money driven. I do all of the housework (he cooks more) and he's also a very untidy person. I'm starting to feel like I want more from my life.

We have a lot of incompatibilities which we're both very aware of and have both tried hard to work through them but I just feel worn out.

Having said all of this, DH is a thoughtful, affectionate and loving person and has a lot of amazing qualities.

He's told me his greatest fear is that I would leave him so the thought of actually doing it feels impossible and I know how heartbroken he would be. I feel like deep down it's what I want to do but the thought of actually doing it feels completely inconceivable and also, what if the grass isn't greener? We have an amazing friendship group and all of that would change too.

I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation in terms of age, wanting to have kids and leaving a long term relationship.

Thank you x

I'd leave him. It's too messy with the sex and his behaviour and the emotional blackmail. If you want kids, you've got time, all things being equal (I met my DP at 36 and we'd have TTC had it not been for a non fertility related health issue) but you haven't got time to waste. You've tried with this. You really have. I'd speak to a solicitor as your next move

Your story resembles my last relationship SO closely. We were together for a much shorter time and not married, but your description of yourself, your partner and the dynamics between you are eerily similar. Your thoughts are exactly like mine were back then when I was still with my ex.

I recently ended it, after posting here on mumset for support. It wasn't and isn't easy, but it was the right thing to do. PM me if you want to chat

He is a flat mate then? Ltb and don't look back.

Nothing you've described about DH says thoughtful, affectionate and loving - quite the opposite. You're with him because you feel too guilty to leave. You'd be completely insane to throw away your happiness for this man. Why do you believe his needs trump yours?

Are you afraid of his reaction when you tell him it's over? You may be right, men frequently become monsters when they're rejected.

So, prepare for the worst possible reaction, and do it. It may be easier than you think. (Hope for the best, prepare for the worst)

No, you don’t need to grow balls. Leaving a relatiohip you’ve invested so much in is hard, and a process akin to grief.

I divorced after 30 years. Should have done it sooner. The reluctance was driven by fear. fear of unknown. The bes thing I did eventually was being able to visualise my future life without him. Once I could replace the “unknown” with “known” the fear started to fade and I could make the decision.

so I started with finding out about divorce process , financial settlements etc. I read ADVICE NOW guides (go to link at top header of divorce board) and read and read till I understood process, the law regarding “fair settlement “ and understood how that would apply to us and my likely outcome of divorce- solicitor or not.

with that I could start to plan where I would live, what type of house I could afford, my lifestyle I could afford.

from there I started to really be able to visualise my future life, and then compare it with staying out for the next 30 years till I died.

i also found it helped me to then articulate what I was thinking with a close relative, who had no skin in game , and wouldn’t say anything to my exh if I decided to stay. I drove home from that conversation knowing I’d call a halt on marriage.

it is so hard to call time on a marriage when you don’t known what your life could be like. Gather information, think about what you could do with your life -even if children or even a future partner don’t arrive. Once you can do that it will be easier.

id add it is better not to “blame” him, or start into a resentful mode of what he’s done and expected of you. Park that. Park it all the way through divorce. Also do not give in to any distress or grief emotional blackmail - just say how he handles the grief of relationship breaking up is his issue to deal with, in same way as all you can focus on is how you deal with your grief, he needs to find his own support network.

if, after visualising your future, you decide to make a go of it- for god sake go to decent psycho therapy - not counselling, bloody useless. Pay good money for good therapist. If they can help you both solve your issues then it’ll be a bloody site cheaper than a divorce. So worth the money,

but, reading this, you’re 34. If it’s this bad at 2 years marriage, hilts it may improve, it’ll not get better when your menopausal or OAPs.

I would agree with you. Being a single parent is so bloody difficult on many many levels and for the vast majority of us not what we set out to do. That said, in all honestly my life now is less stressful than being in a bad unhappy home and marriage. Still I would really not recommend the life of a single parent.

Ha! Quite!

Easy to not be money orientated when your other half provides enough for you too, eh?

Agree with the rest of this too, you don't sound that compatible, and that's reason enough to leave.

I think he knows deep down or he wouldn't have said his greatest fear is you leaving him. A way to get you not to. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

If you're not happy now you certainly won't be after children. Do not have children with this man. Lifes too short, leave be happy and enjoy your life before children are added into the mix. You'll meet someone new and won't be feeling like this x

I don't think his greatest fear is losing you. If it was, he'd make serious changes to keep you. His greatest fear is being without you, because then he will really have to sort himself out. A lifetime is a long time with the wrong person. If you can't face the permanent yet, try separation. See if this makes you feel any different x