So I’ll confess I haven’t read the book yet but I did listen to a couple of podcasts with Laura Doyle author of the surrendered wife book.
Firstly I hate the book title, it definitely sounds like a call to submission but when I actually listened to the author talk it didn’t sound as bad as I initially thought it would be.
So from what I can gather the main premise is that wives shouldn’t try to control their husbands but instead focus on their own happiness. It seemed to me what she was saying is that sometimes women might be attempting to control and micromanage every aspect of their lives including and down to what their husbands eat and wear. Her solution is to essentially let go and stop trying to control your husband and focus on yourself and your own happiness. Her theory is that when you step back from trying to control the situation your husband will have the space to step up and do more in the home or with the kids. That if the wife is softer and leans more towards praise and gratitude of her husband she will get more of what she actually wants from him. That you chose your husband and so your should trust him to be able to be a good husband without constantly having to tell him what to do or complaining about your own situation.
To some extent this rang a bell for me because when I look at my parents marriage which can be very combative I do see that my mother has this very type a, controlling attitude in the home and the relationship she is very unhappy with the way my dad does things, what he wears, how he eats, when he goes to bed, how he does chores etc. I also kind of remember her being like that with us as well when we were still at home and it took me moving away and growing up without her to see that I was never bad or wrong but that I simply was different to my mum but to her if you don’t do it her way then your are clearly in the wrong because her way is the best way. I think my dad was always trying to be good enough for my mum but these days he rebels against her tendency to control by being even more of himself which just infuriates my mother more. My mum is awesome and admirable in so many ways but she also makes life very hard for herself I think.
I see a similar dynamic with another couple the wife with similar controlling tendencies probably as a result of quite an unstable and difficult childhood. She is constantly trying to map out her husbands life the same way she labels and colour codes every item in the house and every second of her children’s time and I think it does infantilise him and so he doesn’t take initiative and does just check out and scroll on his phone as a kind of escapism. Would he step up more, take more initiative if she stepped back and let go or would just go on working to rote and checking out? I don’t know.
I am not saying she is all in the wrong it could be that she is only this way due to his lack of initiative in the past but she is controlling overall in every aspect of her life. Again a very impressive women but is she making life harder for herself?
Me and DH are both pretty laid back and neither of us is controlling. We do each pay to our strengths in the relationship which are not all along traditional gender roles and we both know that we are each responsible for our own happiness as opposed to demanding it off the other. It works well and we don’t really deal with conflict in our 28 years together and we typically take pleasure in what the other loves and enjoys.
At the same time I wouldn’t say I was surrendered to him, I think we are a partnership of equals and that our relationship is equitable and fair. There are times when he may take the lead and there are times when I am the one who is leading and most of the time we just talk and come to a decision which we both agree on. Financially we are on the same page so both fairly conservative with money and savers and we make financial choices together.
To be fair if I couldn’t trust him or rely on him then I doubt I would be so relaxed about everything and to be honest I don’t think I’d be married to a man I couldn’t trust or respect but you know it isn’t always easy to know who someone really is until you experience some kind of hardship or have kids or whatever the stressor might be so there is luck involved.
I think she does say that if your man has an active addiction or is physically abusive then you should leave him. I’m not sure but the implication seems to be that if the man is mentally or emotionally abusive, lazy, pesters the wife for sex no stop etc that if the wife only changes her behaviour and response the man’s behaviour will change automatically. Is that really true do you think or could it risk making an already abused woman more vulnerable? She actually mentioned in the podcast one woman a trainee doctor who was put in the ER by her husband while she was pregnant with his child and the doctor treating her told her to leave but the woman wanting to save the marriage went to Laura Doyle and is still married to the man who beat her while she was pregnant and Laura Doyle was obviously happy she made this happen!
So I feel like I can get onboard with some of what she is saying such as let some things go, accept you can’t change another person, give your partner space to step up and into their role as a husband and father and to focus on your own happiness instead of feeling like every minute of your life has to be taken up doing for others. However it just also seems like she is assuming that most men are fundamentally good and trust worthy and will step up if you give them the space to do so. What is to say that a man who is selfish and careless won’t just take that as permission to be even more selfish? Is her thinking coming from quite a privileged position, she seems to make a lot of money from her coaching and books and must put in a lot of hours as a professional women so I don’t think her perspective is to be a meek little stay at home wife.
I just don’t know what to make of her and her ideas?