Separated still in love family holiday booked

[Anonymous280684]

We have been separated a few months I still love my husband we have 3 kids and a family holiday booked for 3 weeks time my husband is going with the children regardless he's said I should go to relax and have fun as a family and be "friends" I want to go in the hope it'll bring us closer and rekindle, however I'm scared to go in fear of rejection and it making things worse what should I do?

I would go with an aim to get on as friends. Because that is a really valuable and worthwhile goal for the sake of the children, whether you get back together or not. Focus on reassuring the children that you can get along. Focus on giving them a good time and on being civil and respectful and kind with each other.

If you can - and I appreciate you may not have control over this when your MH is poor, try to be calm and relaxed and enjoy the holiday as a rest. I'd suggest you don't have long discussions once DC are in bed, about the future or what happened. Just try to live in the moment for a couple of weeks without making any assumptions about the future.

But if your mental health is poor, would it be a good idea to let him take DC away and you spend that time getting some really good support and trying to get back on an even keel.

I really hope so too🤞

If it’s a cruise that’s ideal, it will be lovely and relaxing and you won’t have any household chores to worry about so you can focus on having a great time as a family. And hopefully those good feelings will lead to other good feelings 😊

Thankyou 😊

Also (sorry to keep throwing in random thoughts, don’t worry I’m in Canada and going to bed in a minute!) - only regret in life the things you don’t do!

I appreciate these random thoughts, I've been in turmoil put my family through turmoil these past months but hopefully we can turn this around in the near future

I'm sorry your family is in this sad situation.

The problem with a holiday is it's not 'real life' as such - many people behave differently, lose inhibitions, all that sea, sun and sand, determined to have a good time, etc.

You will both be on best understanding behaviour for the sake of the children and ensuring you all have a good time.

However successful the holiday it won't be a determining factor as to whether you can both repair your marriage. Good luck.

You can never beat yourself up about having a MH crisis @Anonymous280684 .
It is outwith your control.
Recognising it the first time it happens is very difficult (been there) but it's what you do about it that shows you are willing to address it.
Sounds like your H also had no experience, so he too had to learn something new.
He definitely doesn't sound like he's thrown in the towel, and I would encourage you to go on your cruise and have fun.
Try not to have expectations of a reunion whilst away though. Maybe a conversation with H about boundaries you are both comfortable with before you go is an idea?
For example, are you sharing a bed etc, so no false/confusing messages.
Will any of your therapists agree to a zoom/telephone appointment while you're away if you need it?
Bon voyage 🛳⚓️

Thankyou so much this means a lot, its taken a lot for me to admit it as I was struggling that I had failed not only myself but my husband and children too but as you say it was totally out of my control and the more I withdrew the more it consumed me the more I pushed people away,
Iam going to have the discussion with my therapist about remaining in contact if I do make the final choice to go as my sessions are via teams it shouldn't be an issue hopefully.
I really hope you are right with him "not throwing in the towel" and in time we can reconcile and be even stronger than before😊

When he says he wants to give it time to get the trust back, does he mean for him to be able to trust you to never become ill again, mental health or otherwise. Or is it for you to find some way of trusting him not to bail on you if you are ill at some point.

How will you ever be able to do that?

I'd lean towards going. It will be a nice memory for you all. Then probably have a good think, talk and get some counselling when you get back and decide what to do going forward

I don't think you failed your family or DH, you were sick. I'm sorry but he shouldn't have left you with a MH crisis, that's what your spouse is supposed to be for, to support, to be there in health and in illness. Moreover after 20 years and children together.

He should get training/knowledge about your illness, to know how to support you best, identity the triggers and know what to do as soon as he realised you're having an episode. He could attend support groups to gain .ore understanding.

Definitely go to the trip but guard your heart. It can't be good for your MH to just be waiting to reunite with him.