Separated still in love family holiday booked

[Anonymous280684]

We have been separated a few months I still love my husband we have 3 kids and a family holiday booked for 3 weeks time my husband is going with the children regardless he's said I should go to relax and have fun as a family and be "friends" I want to go in the hope it'll bring us closer and rekindle, however I'm scared to go in fear of rejection and it making things worse what should I do?

So he left you and the children when you had a mh crisis?!

I think how you have hurt him/your children has a bearing on whether you go. If there has been any abusive behaviour I would take a step back to give you some more time to work on yourself individually rather than in the context of your family.
if it’s simply a case that you have withdrawn then spending some time as a family may be a good thing.

I think the answer really depends on what you did to cause him so much hurt. If you were aggressive and paranoid, I'd say let him go alone. If you were suicidal and withdrawn from him, and he left you with the kids, I'd say that YOU should go on the holiday and he stay at home (if you would like this). Depending on what exactly it was, it might make sense to go, although I'm not sure.

On a cruise I would be inclined to say no. If things go wrong you can't leave. Even if long-term you want to work on the marriage, a disastrous holiday now could make that impossible. Investing in the future might mean sitting this one out.

No he left 3 weeks ago, I've been receiving help for 5 months now he comes round every day and helps with the children, we are very amicable he's very hurt and unsure with how detached I was at my worst if he wants to put himself through that again romantically as he was hurt a lot, he asked for some time to reflect but will ALWAYS support me and the children

Good luck op, I hope it goes alright and you recover well.

the only advice I have is avoid alcohol. The risk of having rows/meltdowns and making it worse etc.

This, and also what @ColinMyWifeBridgerton says, but v age dependent re kids. If op was actively suicidal 3 weeks ago, I don't think a solo hols with dc is very sensible.

Absolutely no abuse but yes I did withdraw thankyou

It’s been 3 weeks, it’s way too soon. Don’t go.

It was me who said maybe I shouldn't go not the other way around he wants me to go and so do the children he thinks the time together as a family having fun and relaxing could be what we all need😊

OP it sounds like he's punishing you for having had a mental health crisis. I would go on the holiday but don't beg for him back. Obviously we don't have the details but it sounds like he's very badly let you down in your hour of most need.

This is giving you and your kids false hope.
Yeah there maybe a small chance he wants to see if it helps you together who knows, to me it sounds like he wants a holiday with someone there to help with the kids so he can get peace.

Don't go and give yourself this time
Away from the kids to really think about your life and your situation. Really give yourself space to think about single life again and what it will be like and how to face the future going forward.

I think that's unfair to him and the dc.

False Hope is horrible. Just do not go.

I do feel like I'm being punished a little if I'm honest however I wasn't on the receiving end and I was very withdrawn and I can understand his hurt after 20 years of being happy it caught him off guard, however I also think he may be punishing himself in the process for not being as supportive as he could have been if he seeked help on how to be supportive due to his lack of knowledge on MH and feels guilty for letting me down I think that's why he suggested we ALL go on the holiday to have some fun and relax and see what happens

Why is it about him being hurt?

Why wasn’t he supporting you through a mh crisis after 20 years together? He didn’t seem to try very hard.

Dp once said living with me having severe anxiety/ depression was like living with a ghost. Hes still here 14 years later. Withdrawing is a normal thing for self protection in a mh situation. It can’t have been going on that long if it was earlier this year. Why didn’t he help you?

He left you 5 months into a crisis?

Thank you it's nice to hear from somebody who has been through MH issues too
I think it was his lack of understanding believe me when I say he has punished himself too during all this but we're here now and I really hope we can find our way through the other side and be happy again 😊

Long time lurker but this time, I couldnt read and run on this post xxx

For the reason behind your separation you've given, I would say ABSOLUTELY 100% GO!

Your husband has invited, if he didn't want you there he wouldn't have bought it up.
Your children want you there.
And it sounds like you want to be there too. You love your husband by the sounds too, and want to give it a try.

Regardless of how the holiday goes, When you get home, keep to what you've committed and get some help and support to get back on track yourself. You're husband will want to see you looking after yourself.

It sounds like just a blip, and all the best marriages have those. It takes time to feel yourself and comfortable and safe in your friendship/partnership again after a blip, but with time and support it can come back Xxx
Speaking as a lady married for sometime now with a couple of "blips" under my belt 😉
Big hugs, and best of luck to you xxx

Thank you so much this really means a LOT 😊

I am another saying Go because as a pp said staying home while your husband & kids go will probably be harder.
Your husband has asked you to go so you aren't forcing yourself on him.
Go and see how it works out. You have been together a long time &, between you, you have so much to fight for.
Good luck xx

This is by far the best advice.

Thank you so much😊 I believe we do too 🤞

I have been the other side. I am going to be honest. It isn't always about not understanding. As a partner you live with MH without having MH issues.

Everything is impacted by them and while the person who is ill getting help, you have the impact and little support. I spent fifteen years of my life with my exH who had very serious MH issues.

It was that long because of the fear and guilty of what the reaction was going to be at me leaving. I dealt with the sectioning several times and major depressive episodes.

It took me years to eventually accept whatever was to come was not my fault nor responsibility but I needed to leave for me.

Do not equate your MH recovery with your relationship reforming, that isn't fair on you or him. His choice has to be free with the knowledge that you will continue your recovery and maintenance of your MH.

I wish you good health.

Have read your posts OP I think that you should consider going. I wouldn't push things but once you are onboard you may be able to relax and enjoy the experience together. Whatever happens you will be looking after the children as parents for years to come and establishing and maintaining a good relationship is in everyone's interest. Just take one day at a time and make good memories for the children.

OP, of course your husband should have supported you more through your MH issues but, unfortunately, some people who have never experienced MH problems just can’t understand how it feels and why people going through a MH crisis just can’t ‘’pull themselves together’’ (that’s what my friend were wondering when I had a period in which I was falling apart 🙄🙄).

If you think that he’s completely detached from you and you’re unlikely to reconcile don’t go on holiday as witnessing his indifference will drive you crazy and you may end up doing or saying things that will make the holiday stressful for everyone.

if you think there may be a chance in the future for you to get back together go on holiday BUT under no circumstances should you try to talk about your relationship. Be fun and cool. Play with the kids, talk about the holiday, talk about whatever books you’re reading…Nothing about your domestic life. Let the holiday be a sunny haven.

No it's bloody not. What a ridiculous comment.