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Relationships

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Original poster

He feels I led him on by not wanting him

79 replies

Timeout22 · 25/07/2024 21:04

ExP and I started talking again a few months ago and we speak everyday. It's been so nice, like best friends and felt like comfort as we know each other so well. I love him, but I'm happy alone. Not wanting any relationship, with anyone.

After meeting for a coffee he said his feelings haven't gone. Told him I wasn't in that place but we kept talking and talk has turned into sharing memories from the bedroom. We were both clearly into it. We met for dinner for his birthday, I paid as a birthday treat and when we were saying goodbye I felt him linger more than usual. I explained i'm not in the same place and he got really frustrated. He says I have deceived him and 'led him down the garden path'. He's not speaking with me, seems to have a bad opinion of me and I feel like he's trying to guilt me into getting together

Am I the monster here?

OP posts:

keylimedog · 25/07/2024 21:08

I mean you talked about sex you used to have and you were both clearly into it? Took him out for a birthday dinner and paid for it? I would suggest that's giving interested messages.

However you don't owe him anything so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Babbahabba · 25/07/2024 21:08

You're not a monster but I think you probably have given mixed signals by saying you're not "in that place" then having sexy talk. But whatever, you want friendship, he doesn't. It's probably best you don't communicate any more. Friendships with exes are tricky and only work if neither is carrying a torch for the other. Leave this one behind.

Twistybranch · 25/07/2024 21:18

Monster….no. But having sex chat then taking him out to dinner after he’s told you he has feelings…….thats mental OP.

MonsteraMama · 25/07/2024 21:21

You're giving very mixed messages to the guy, especially knowing he still has feelings for you. That's a bit cruel to be honest, the correct response would have been to gracefully back away from the relationship when you realised you want completely different things, not have a chat about how much you enjoyed his dick and then pay for his birthday dinner. I'd be pissed off too tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2024 21:21

You're not a monster but you have really poor judgement, and lacking in a bit of common sense, honestly. You're talking with him about how you used to shag and you really don't understand how that was leading him on? Really? Come on now.

ClaraLaraBow · 25/07/2024 21:26

You're not a monster but I have been in his shoes and it's confusing and painful and prevents you from moving on.

It means that he will probably continue to feel 'less than' because YOU don't consider him good enough. Whereas if he moved on and met somebody else who really felt things were just right with him, he'd get to live life feeling good.

Have you heard of the attachment styles? Are you an avoidant and is he anxious preoccupied as they call it. I don't like that term much.

Original poster

Timeout22 · 25/07/2024 22:18

He is the one who left me so I find this whole thing mad honestly and I'm not going back to him

We both enjoyed the messages/company and we're both adults. He is acting as though I've really messed around

OP posts:

Lmnop22 · 25/07/2024 22:23

Talking about previous sexual encounters in a way that makes it obvious both are “enjoying” the conversation after he’s admitted he has unrequited feelings for you is probably leading him on.

But, if he left you and regrets it and you’ve been clear when asked directly, he’s as much to blame for assuming he could persuade you to change your mind!

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 22:27

Sharing memories from the bedroom?! No wonder he got the horn then got pissed off! Best keep exes in the past.

Original poster

Timeout22 · 25/07/2024 23:13

I really do care about him but I don't feel it's the massive drama he is causing. He seemed to think we were 100 percent getting back together

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2024 23:16

Timeout22 · 25/07/2024 23:13

I really do care about him but I don't feel it's the massive drama he is causing. He seemed to think we were 100 percent getting back together

Gee, I wonder why?

"...we kept talking and talk has turned into sharing memories from the bedroom. We were both clearly into it."

Nocturna · 25/07/2024 23:26

Do you have no awareness of other peoples feelings at all?

TinyYellow · 25/07/2024 23:29

You did mess him around? It’s a bit weird of you to talk about past sex with him if you really don’t want to have new sex with him.

Original poster

Timeout22 · 25/07/2024 23:32

I do care about his feelings, of course, but we both enjoyed being in touch and being friendly. He told me he's even told his mates that he thought we were getting back together

I think me saying no should be enough for him and he shouldn't be turning this into a guilt trip

OP posts:

takeabreaker · 25/07/2024 23:46

I'm in the fuck around and find out camp - if he wanted to be with you wholeheartedly he would never have left - he moved the goal posts, whatever comes next is fair game. Don't shit all over something then start whining its not fair when you cant get what you want.
OP I don't think you have done anything wrong.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/07/2024 23:48

Yeah he left you so….that is significant.

Do you think maybe you unconsciously wanted to hurt him? To make him feel dropped like he made you feel?

Mmhmmn · 25/07/2024 23:50

Sounds like you were clear and what he wants has clouded his attention to or perception of what you said. His reaction Sounds a bit manipulative but he could also just be genuinely confused given that men think with their d*ck.

But don’t be guilted by him - you told him the score.

Original poster

Timeout22 · 25/07/2024 23:55

I don't think I wanted to hurt him. I was genuinely shocked by his reaction as I felt we both knew what we were doing and it wouldn't go any further

He's much more emotional about this than I expected. Called me 'shitty' which was pleasant!

OP posts:

tennesseewhiskey1 · 25/07/2024 23:55

Sorry - but i think you led him on a bit here....

Fifteentreefrogs · 26/07/2024 00:09

You can change your mind at any point abd not want to have sex with someone. You don't owe ANYONE sex just because you may have been being mildly flirty with them at one point. He's being a twat.
However your behaviour does seem confusing.. I'd get why he was confused and/or hurt.... but it's still not acceptable to try and coerce you into sex.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/07/2024 01:03

Well he’s being a dick. He dumped you. You could say “we were reminiscing - but at no point did it suddenly magic away the hurt and shock I felt when you ended our relationship. You’re the one being shitty.”

AgentJohnson · 26/07/2024 01:48

Urg! Reminiscing about sex with an Ex who you have no intention of getting back together with was unwise. It’s time you both moved on.

CheekyHobson · 26/07/2024 02:01

I think it’s incredibly naive to think that taking an ex out to dinner and engaging in enthusiastic talk about your past sex life together wouldn’t lead him to believe you had some interest in getting back together.

Polyp0 · 26/07/2024 02:05

Your title is misleading. He doesn't feel that you let him on by not wanting him, you let him on point, talking about sex and taking him out for dinner.

somewhatmiffed · 26/07/2024 04:55

Intentionally or not your actions have led him to think there might be a reconciliation and now he's hurt. You need to walk away and be clear with him.

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