He feels I led him on by not wanting him

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ExP and I started talking again a few months ago and we speak everyday. It's been so nice, like best friends and felt like comfort as we know each other so well. I love him, but I'm happy alone. Not wanting any relationship, with anyone.

After meeting for a coffee he said his feelings haven't gone. Told him I wasn't in that place but we kept talking and talk has turned into sharing memories from the bedroom. We were both clearly into it. We met for dinner for his birthday, I paid as a birthday treat and when we were saying goodbye I felt him linger more than usual. I explained i'm not in the same place and he got really frustrated. He says I have deceived him and 'led him down the garden path'. He's not speaking with me, seems to have a bad opinion of me and I feel like he's trying to guilt me into getting together

Am I the monster here?

All's fair in love and war.

He left you, you were hurt, probably.
He decided to use the return door, you partially opened it, then slammed it shut in his face.

Good.

Men should learn there may be consequenses and you can't just drop and pick women back up.

He's learnt a valuble lesson.

You didn't mention who'd broken up the relationship in your OP probably because it's completely irrelevant, since you say you were getting along great as friends despite that. You've said a couple times you weren't in "that place" anymore, not looking etc so obviously this relationship had ran it's course in your eyes. To be still hanging around the man's life to share cosy chats, lay on his birthday treat (girlfriend territory) and reminisce over past bedroom antics (cringe) encouraging hope where there really isn't any is extremely cold. But to then blame him for having hurt feelings over it? Terrible behaviour. You then trickle out that he actually dumped YOU??! Kinda smacks of petty revenge, even if you didn't plan it to be. What would you think in his shoes?

Not a very classy look either way OP but life goes on. Best of luck to you both

I think me saying no should be enough for him and he shouldn't be turning this into a guilt trip

Yes, but what you think other people 'should' do isn't necessarily what they 'should' do, because you don't make the rules.

Obviously there has been some miscommunication here, probably understandably, and now he's hurt. Why does there have to be a monster? He's not the only one creating drama, is he.

It's honestly not revenge as I have no bad feelings towards him and I may have considered getting back together down the road as we definitely have a connection

But I feel almost manipulated by his (over?) reaction. Just because we may have had adult chats, doesn't mean I should feel guilty you thought we were getting back together or told your loved ones we might be

Yeah, I think he has a point.

He's reacted this way because you've hurt him deeply. The guilt you think he's projecting, some of it may have actually landed. Don't you think there's anything for you to learn from this too? You've categorized him a friend without really being a true one yourself. He didn't want friendship, you did, yet he was actually still in with a chance before showing his hurt feelings to you. Gave you the infamous "ick" I'm sure. But you're not exactly Mary Poppins are you? I mean all it took was feeling horny enough to indulge him in shared past shenanigans, knowing (during an initial coffee) this guy still carried a torch for you. I dunno, never date him again, be a mate, whatever but just don't encourage adjustable boundaries, especially with exes(!)

We're done here, have yourself a great weekend OP.

Don't feel guilty, then. He can't make you. It's a misunderstanding, and you're both throwing your toys out the pram in different ways. He's gone silent, and you need validation from a bunch of strangers.

Be an adult. Move on, tell him you're sorry that there's been a misunderstanding, and that you only want to be friends.

You must understand that if you shared conversations about sexual enjoyment you've shared, he might think you'd like to do it again? It's not that far fetched.

Stop stropping about the fact that he's trying to guilt you into getting together. What does that even mean? He can't be shunning you and coming on strong at the same time.

You don’t owe him sex because of the enthusiastic sex talk but I see why he feels led on. It’s ok not to be friends with your ex or to consider friendship a long time after breaking up. A true friend wouldn’t have had sex talk and gone out for dinner with someone who was into them when they weren’t interested.

I mean if this was the other way round I think plenty of women would feel led on.

Obviously there's no obligation to get back together with someone you don't want to, but as a rule it's better not to send mixed messages if you can avoid it!

I agree with @Ineffable23 that if this situation was posted the other way you'd be told to stay away from the person who led you on

He's allowed be upset and share that with you and he's probably disappointed

It was pretty daft to engage in sex talk knowing he still has feelings for you. Even if he initiated the conversation going in that direction you should have shut it down. That's just common sense.

Also I don't understand why you paid for his dinner. He has a right to feel how he feels. It isn't manipulation to feel hurt that you led him on by being flirty (and to call you out on that) because you were. Just own it, move on, and don't do it again. I wouldn't even attempt to be friends with someone who has unrequited feelings. It just never ends well.

Why did he leave you OP? For someone else? I guess you did lead him on a bit but to be honest he probably thought he could snap his fingers any time and you'd go running back, and you have shown him you won't..good for you!

I wouldn't even attempt to be friends with someone who has unrequited feelings. It just never ends well

It does sometimes. It has to be managed properly. Love is alive and needs feeding. Starve it and it dies. Regular reminders that 'it's never going to happen' can result in friendship.

@florizel13 He didn't have someone else but he got cold feet. Commitment issues based on bad relationship in the past

I kind of believe he wanted to see what else was out there and then came back to me

He messaged today with a long paragraph of why I crossed a boundary, he feels used and it wasn't ok

All I feel I should say is that I'm sorry and I understand his feelings/it won't happen again

Well that backfired.

Probably best you saw his fickle nature before you got too involved.

He lost, go and find someone stronger, who knows his own mind.

Reminds me of the Jackson Five song, "I want you back'

This.

Would a bloke be analysing this and wringing his hands with guilt? Nope. He wouldn’t give a rat’s arse.

All’s fair in love and war. You can enjoy flirting. No man is owed sex.

OP, you sound like a very strange person with no awareness of how other people perceive you or how they react to what you say. Have you had issues like this in the past?

Some men given a hello think they are back in.
Perhaps clarifying you have no sexual interest before going for dunner or talking about your past sexually.
Some men do not respond well when they do not get what they want also.

Can't imagine what else you could do, really. That's all anybody wants when someone has hit their feelings.

Yeah it doesn’t take much for men to think they’re back in with a chance. This guy I got rid of a couple of years ago as he was messing me about used to message every few months saying hi. I eventually said no offence but why do you keep messaging me?

He said he was “checking to see” how I was. That basically means he was texting to see if I was still available IMO. I decided to tell him I was dating someone else and only now has he got the message and has stopped “checking” on me

I can see how your actions would lead a guy -or even a woman- on but considering he ditched you and was probably exploring to see what else is out there and has came back trying to slip into your life I wouldn’t feel too bad about.

I mean if he did think he made a mistake dropping you he should’ve been very clear from the outset that he wanted you back, not being wishy washy talking about feelings.

OP, just say “sorry there has been crossed wires and I think it’s best we go our separate ways as I don’t want a repeat of this misunderstanding. All the best”

because you do realise you guys can’t be friends anymore right?

I don't have much sympathy for him because he messed you around in the first place.

But if I were you I would back off from these interactions now because you're going to keep yourself from moving on to more healthy things.

I know you weren't looking for revenge OP, but quite satisfyingly you got it anyway. No sympathy for him at all.

His view is interesting. He thinks you crossed a boundary - what boundary exactly?

Does he mean that flirting with someone, or talking about sex, somehow requires you to follow-through? That by having conversations with him about previous time together, you were making a commitment to shag him, and that you were duty bound to go through with it?

If his "boundary" is based on the above, then it sounds an awful lot like he thinks that he's entitled to sex regardless of whether you want it or not. And that your ability to consent, or to withdraw consent at any time, would somehow impinge on his "boundary".... Which makes him sound pretty unpleasant TBH.