He feels I led him on by not wanting him

[Timeout22]

ExP and I started talking again a few months ago and we speak everyday. It's been so nice, like best friends and felt like comfort as we know each other so well. I love him, but I'm happy alone. Not wanting any relationship, with anyone.

After meeting for a coffee he said his feelings haven't gone. Told him I wasn't in that place but we kept talking and talk has turned into sharing memories from the bedroom. We were both clearly into it. We met for dinner for his birthday, I paid as a birthday treat and when we were saying goodbye I felt him linger more than usual. I explained i'm not in the same place and he got really frustrated. He says I have deceived him and 'led him down the garden path'. He's not speaking with me, seems to have a bad opinion of me and I feel like he's trying to guilt me into getting together

Am I the monster here?

This is good advice.

He left you, he found the grass wasn’t greener, and now wants you back. Too bad, you don’t owe him anything. You were just being friendly, but now he’s trying to guilt-trip you.

Move on and find someone who won’t mess with your head!

You did nothing wrong.
He dropped you and now because you haven't thrown yourself at him at the chance of getting back together his feelings are hurt.

Twat.

Didn't he lead you on in a similar way, by having a relationship and then ending it, thereby not following through with the future you planned?

And you were giving him mixed messages. Stop playing. You're meant to be exes. Exes don't tend to meet up to talk about the sex they used to have.

I’m on this table too as I’ve been in a Situation like this. He can’t just spin the block and come back round and expect things to be how he wants them to be. He needs to learn that the sun doesn’t shine out of his ass, and that he’s not the best thing since sliced bread.
OP, please do you. He brought the sex talk, you indulged, fine. I wouldn’t do that again.
it’s not about him.

Thanks for the balanced responses. I do now realise it was a bad idea and when I said it won't happen again, he almost seemed annoyed again. I understand he's annoyed but he's pushing me so hard into guilt

I think you're right OP when you said upthread that he left you because he wanted to see what else was out there.

You're not a monster. I don't think you led him on. He's just angry that you're not welcoming him back with open arms (and legs) as soon as he's decided he wants to be with you again.

If you don't have kids together I'd cut him off entirely. He's a weasel.

Have you agreed to go your separate ways now?

If not, it will come up again and next time neither of you can feign ignorance that you didn’t see it coming. It’s clear that you can’t stay friends as he wants more and will misinterpret any friendship as something else.

I agree it seems he is trying to pressure you to change your stance. I’d give him a wide berth for this reason also . He doesn’t seem like a great guy tbh.

If you really want to stay in some form of contact, keep it to the odd text once or twice a year.

He feels you led him on. Do you feel you led him on?

Course she does.

It was payback time.

She was dumped and she's served her revenge.
Woman scorned and all that.

It's made her feel good and in control.

What is your guilt supposed to achieve? That you'd suddenly let him back in? You did not intend to send him the message that you wanted to get back together, but I can see why he got that message. It was a mistake on your part and we all make mistakes. I suppose you can apologise if you want (along the lines of "sorry you misunderstood") but for clarity and kindness you should stop any communication at all after that, and just forget about it.

Yes her ex didn’t behave very well either so maybe they’ve both learnt lessons now and can move on - separately.

Why should she apologise, this man dumped her, she probably felt used.

His behaviour hasn't been good.

If I were her I'd rub it in and say the dirty talk was just a practice run for when she meets someone with integrity.

Apologise, you're having a laugh, he discarded her and thought he could snap his fingers and she'd come running.

@YellRock

Thanks for answering a question for @Timeout22 about her own feelings.

Not everybody is so nasty to be thinking of payback and revenge. It must be a sad little life for those who think like that. I suppose we all have to get our entertainment somehow.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty over.

His ego is bruised that's all.🙄

From what I can see, he's the one playing mind games.

For your own sanity, I would step away from his friendship. It's only going to end badly eventually. Don't delay the inevitable. Rip the plaster off and move on with your life.

Life is too short to be guilt tripped and held back by this guy. So much more to discover and actually experience rather than reliving the past.

He's messed you around once and you think left you to see what his options were. What's going to stop him from doing the same again?

@Timeout22 - I agree with most PP: reminiscing about sex with someone you don’t intend to sleep with is sending somewhat mixed signals but I do think the fact he dumped you in order to play the field is a fairly crucial detail here and for me somewhat changes the complexion of what happened. You could point out to him that it’s a bit rich for him to complain given he ended things. In any case, you’re probably better off just drawing a line under the friendship because it must be stopping you moving on from him.

I really wasn't looking for revenge. I care about him and was enjoying being in touch, but was not in a place to get back together (yet anyway)

He has said once again this morning that I shouldn't have sent those messages, hung out with him so much as it wasted both our time and caused hurt

He says he has spent the past few months working on himself, with the aim of getting back together and he believes I showed him I was on the same page. Which I probably did

it wasted both our time

He has no right to say this. He can't tell you with any authority that you have wasted your time. Did you feel your time was wasted?

My time wasn't wasted as I enjoy his company and that's how I looked at it

He says a lot on your behalf, doesn't he? You led him on, rather than 'I am responsible for my own wellbeing, and if I think someone is trying to start a relationship with me, I should instigate a conversation to make sure we're on the same page, so that nobody gets hurt'. You wasted both your time, rather than 'We each were responsible for how we spent our time, and made our own individual decisions' and 'I feel I wasted my own time, but you may feel differently'.

Bit of a prat, isn't he; doesn't know where you end and he starts.

He's too entangled with you and speaks as though youre in a relationship. I suspect its due to damaged ego

This isn't meant to be a drip feed but I do remember that he was struggling with some personal issues when we broke up and probably why he's laying the guilt on a little more

Wasted time! How rude. I hate it when men act like this. They're investing time, and if they don't get sex out of it then they've been cheated. In their minds. Yuk.

I think it would be good if both of you find another person than each other to be best friends with.