He got angry about my birthday

[Mumwithlupus61]

So I'm with my partner for 13yrs now there's a 22yr age gap (I don't know if that matters?) We've got 1 child together. My bday was recently, partner had no money (doesnt work due to health). on the bday presented 2 cards, soap, bar of chocolate, from our child. Happy days, hes paid the next day, nothing. 2 days later no mention of bday does not make any effort to make amends. After 5 days I asked what's the story, you taking me out or what? He shrugs says dunno need to sort sitter etc. I asked have u tried to sort things? Ended up him shouting rolling eyes saying jesus c, why have I to listen to all this, and ended up tells me to fk off. I'm at a loss. Feels like I've poked a dragon or something, I'm expecting too much from him? Should he not want to "date" his woman? Should he not want to spend time together just us two? Out, not stuck in on the sofa every single night, which we do! Am I not worth the effort?

This is what happens when you date someone much older. They get OLD. And you’re still young, and want to go out and do things. He is old, doesn’t have much money and just isn’t interested in the sort of life you want.

If he has no money this is your life, is that likely to change?

I'm not sure about wanting to 'date his woman', but you obviously wanted to celebrate your birthday with him.

Did you make this clear before his payday?

Who is the older one in the relationship? I'm assuming it's him but you haven't clarified.

I'm OK with sitting in most of the year lol I've a chronic illness so can't do much but just once could he not organise something an make a fuss? I'm not expecting diamonds or anything I'm not materialistic like that I'd be happy with pub grub and few pints, game of pool.

Is this in character? What happened last year?

I think this could happen in any age bracket or gap, he just isn't bothered to make the effort.

There are older people who do thoughtful things because that is the kind of people they are. There are couples who stop birthday celebrations after a mutual understanding and contentment, this is not the situation here. You still want a celebration, I don't think it is a lot to ask for and he should know as your partner that you want this even if he personally would not be bothered about a celebration for his birthday, it's enough to know that you still would like a celebration. So I think this is a symptom of him just generally not caring about you as much.

He probably takes you for granted that he isn't making the effort anymore.
If he genuinely thought it was just not a big deal because that is how he feels at his age about birthdays, he would be calm and apologetic when you brought it up, he would be mortified and keen to make it up to you. The way he got so defensive and disrespectful is to deflect and because he knows he is in the wrong. He knew you expect more effort but he is punishing you and trying to send a message that he isn't happy to make the effort for you.

A lot of men do this once there are children .. maybe because he now guarantees that the woman is 'trapped' with him or maybe the lack of attention and presumably sex after children makes them resentful and so they stop putting in the effort, to punish you where it hurts basically which is sex for men and romance for women, usually.

This is what happens when you date someone much older. They get OLD. And you’re still young, and want to go out and do things.
So 'old' people don't want to do things.
Op hasn't given ages but the fella could be in his 50s. Most 50_70 year old I know are going out and doing things.
Heck my mum and dad are in their mid 80s and currently touring the UK on a three month holiday.
There's 25 year gap with my sister and her husband. ( he is older and old). You have to make advance appointments to see them.
So don't come with the ageist thing of young people want to do stuff old dont.
It's sounds like it is down to personality and the relationship dynamic.

Its not about age in itself. But he doesn't sound very charming. Guess you've got into a rut?
IME if you want something to happen, best to make sure it does. Rather than making passive aggressive comments or waiting to see what will happen, tell him what you want OR organise it yourself. He did try somewhat with the card and little presents, it's not as if he ignored the day completely.

I think what he said was rude, but he gave you cards and presents on your birthday. That’s what most people do on birthdays surely? He has little money at the moment, and it seems you’re expecting a big night out which is a little unfair on top of the cards and gifts.

Even if he is short on money he could have made more effort or explained with kindness, anyway I believe they should both know what the financial situation is. He could have put money aside or found other cheap ways to make her feel special. He certainly didn't have to swear at her. Basically, he is a shit partner and this is the tip of the iceberg. It will be a pattern of disrespect and disregard in many areas and the birthday is just a catalyst.

Older people sometimes want to forget about birthdays as they think what's the point that's just for kids not me.

Perhaps he is one.

He remembered your birthday. He gave you two cards and two presents from himself and your child. You both don't have much money it seems as neither of you work due to chronic health conditions.

So I think he's done ok so far.

Back to the financial situation. Does he go out a lot with mates or spend a lot of his benefits on crap ie could he easily have reined himself in last week and saved up to take you to the pub?

He's right re sitters being expensive. Could he have asked family?

Did he know you wanted a big fuss? Was it a big birthday?

Have you been feeling like he takes you for granted and this was a secret test for him to prove he is still the one you want?

I dont know if there is a back story, but if my aprtner came to me, knowing I had no money and saud

• You taking me out or what? What's the story?

Id be a bit pissed off. Maybe you communicated this in a bit of a nicer way, but maybe you didnt. How are your other conversations?
He made some effort, did you discuss going somewhere, did you expect a surprise pub meal, do oyu tend to do out for his birthdays?

@Ivehearditbothways "This is what happens when you date someone much older. They get OLD. And you’re still young, and want to go out and do things. He is old"

Good, I hate Mumsnet ageism.

What happened on your birthday before the baby came along op?

He's got no money and doesn't appear to like you very much, he certainly doesn't respect you. Up to you how to proceed but it doesn't bode well for the future, specially when it looks like you will be expected to care for him if he is considerably older and in bad health.

He just sounds like a horrible person tbh.

Has he form for other narcissistic shit? Narcissists love to ruin your birthday and any holiday not about them.

He sounds contemptuous either way.

Dont stay with men who treat you with contempt.
He did nothing for your birthday and then told you to fuck off when you asked about it! That's so vile.

I'd take his advice and fuck off, perminantly.
Don't stay with abusers or losers.

I'm confused here. You say he doesn't have any money because he doesn't work due to ill health, so when you say 'he's paid the next day' do you mean he received his sickness/disability benefit? To be honest, I don't think I'd be expecting someone to treat me to a night out if that was their only income and we had a child to support as well. When you talk about getting a sitter, do you mean a paid babysitter?

What does he normally do for your birthday? Why didn't you just say beforehand that you'd like to go out for a drink or something? He's not a mind-reader.

He shouldn't, however, be telling you to fuck off or shouting at you. Is that usual in your relationship? It's not OK.

Oh, and age has nothing to do with it. My parents were still going out and having parties to celebrate birthdays etc right up until my dad became too unwell to do anything.

Just to clear a few things up.. he is the older one. We're both classed as disabled so are on benefits. I pay all bills and keep our kid in clothes, trainers, football boots, school supplies,trips etc. I never ask for his help. As for the babysitter he wouldnt have to pay as its his sister, she wont accept money but would appreciate a favour returned someday. I appreciated the cards & gift on the day but was given the old "I'll make it upto u" thing so i was expecting something else to come. As for last year's bday, similar story. Ended up me calling his sister to babysit so we could go to the cinema, which I paid for. 2 weeks ago he was super excited about his sons bday, said they were heading out for the day. He was up & out of here by 11am ready for the days antics. Brilliant go ahead i wanted him to enjoy himself and have a great day.I guess I just feel really hurt that he was all pumped to celebrate someone's else's bday with them but when it came to mine he couldn't have been bothered. Suppose I feel like I don't matter as much or I'm just not that special to him 🤷‍♀️

He's acting true to form. He's financially exploiting you and disrespectful.

You've answered your own question in your last post op. He just doesn't care enough to bother.

What benefit does he bring to your life if you pay all the bills and he isn't nice to you on top?

If he gets benefits too.. why doesn't he pay half the bills. Thats nuts.

Op he's taking the piss.
He doesn't even pay his own way in the house so its perfectly true to form that he can't even be decent and treat you to something on your birthday.

The weather is nice, I bet you would have been happy if he'd just made a picnic for you both and invited you out to the garden/park right? But it's that he can't even make the effort for you that's really sad.

Care about yourself.
Don't keep wankers like him around. Hes a leach. He leaching your money, your happiness and your life away. Burn him off.

So he can't be bothered to make an effort for your birthday and, when you riase it with him in a low-key way, he gets angry and abusive.

He has told you that he doesn't care about your feelings and that he will use anger to control you and prevent you from expressing them.

Please stop questioning yourself and assuming that you are asking for too much. You are not the issue; he is.

Talk, I have been with the same girl since 18, we both retired this year, no age gap & it's practically perfect but we have our moments. No point carrying on if your unhappy & it's 1 sided, Sounds like the spark has gone, doe's he say he loves you & vice versa practically every day, we do.
Get out of that rut or u will end your life in misery & regret wasting your later years, Talk but make sure you both listen & absorb or it's a lost cause. If it comes to the worst, I can guarantee there's always someone u don't know holding a candle for you to bring light back into your life.