He got angry about my birthday

[Mumwithlupus61]

So I'm with my partner for 13yrs now there's a 22yr age gap (I don't know if that matters?) We've got 1 child together. My bday was recently, partner had no money (doesnt work due to health). on the bday presented 2 cards, soap, bar of chocolate, from our child. Happy days, hes paid the next day, nothing. 2 days later no mention of bday does not make any effort to make amends. After 5 days I asked what's the story, you taking me out or what? He shrugs says dunno need to sort sitter etc. I asked have u tried to sort things? Ended up him shouting rolling eyes saying jesus c, why have I to listen to all this, and ended up tells me to fk off. I'm at a loss. Feels like I've poked a dragon or something, I'm expecting too much from him? Should he not want to "date" his woman? Should he not want to spend time together just us two? Out, not stuck in on the sofa every single night, which we do! Am I not worth the effort?

No. This is what happens when you date someone who has no money and / or doesn't care about you.

Age has nothing to do with it

Might be wrong here but if it's a one off and he's normally caring and lovely I would just get a sitter and organise my own night out with him or with friends. The presents were nice and thoughtful. I think some people are weird about birthdays and maybe stems from what was normal in their family growing up. I love to make a big deal of birthdays as growing up we were only ever spoiled on birthdays. My DH though lovely and caring in other ways never makes a fuss of me on my birthday though he'll go overboard at Christmas and on mother's day! If I want to go out I book the sitter and tell him 2 weeks before that he needs to book a table for X date.

Are you happy @Mumwithlupus61 ? It all sounds a bit sad.

I know we are all different but my partner has never once told me to fuck off, is that normal for you or have things deteriorated?

We're both classed as disabled so are on benefits. I pay all bills and keep our kid in clothes, trainers, football boots, school supplies,trips etc. I never ask for his help

Why the fuck don’t you ask him to pay his way?! Move the horrible old abuser out.

I don’t think it’s age. My husband is 25 years older than me, we don’t have huge amounts of money but enough to live on. He spends ages planning my presents and somewhere to go out for dinner. I have a big birthday next year and he’s told me daughter (who has blabbed to me 😅) that he’s planning a little trip away. If age were to be a factor surely it would be that he is very lucky to have you and should be treating you accordingly!

What an absolutely miserable existence.

Chronic illness, surviving off benefits, a relationship with a man old enough to be your father.

Don’t you want more than this life?

Can you get your illness sorted? Can you get out of this relationship?

Do you have your own friends?? Now that I have kids I mostly just go out with friends at my birthday or go away or something
husband minds the kids!!

if we can get a babysitter then he’d obviously come too but it’s not always easy for us to get one and it’s pricey!

I always organise my own bday celebrations too don’t sit around waiting for someone else to!

on a separate issue - the whole lack of money thing from him would piss me off though - is he never going to be able to work again? What an bleak future you have If so

just purely on the birthday issue, I think there are many couples up and down the country where it’s better to say “my birthdays coming up I’d really like us two to go out for dinner will you organise it?” Rather than after the event say “are you taking me out or what”. What does he expect or want on his birthday? Birthdays just aren’t a big deal to some people and some people just aren’t very thoughtful.

sounds like there are bigger issues tho.

Also not being funny but if you’re both on benefits and money is tight, I don’t think what he got you is that bad! I’d be happy with that and don’t need or want expensive gifts especially if there’s not spare cash around.

OP - how old are you? I’m sure it’s not too late to make changes, this sounds like a miserable life to settle for, and your partner sounds horrible.

Can you start to make a plan? Do you have qualifications? Could you work towards some? You say you are ‘classed as disabled’ this might be a bit of armchair-psychology, but that makes it sound as if you don’t really feel disabled. Is it possible that your health could improve or you could study or work despite your disabilities? Is there support you can acces? Have you investigated?

Could you access counselling - deciding to have a baby with a much older disabled man while you have disabilities yourself and neither of you have money does suggest you may have some traumas influencing my your decision making.

I know someone who was in a similar situation to you. Decided not to settle, wanted more for her son, divorced, retook GCSEs, then Alevels, then a degree and became a teacher. She says it was the hardest thing she’s ever done but all worth it because her son has grown up to have a completely different type of life - he’s basically a professional ‘middle class’ person with a nice house and job, and she is too.

You're both on benefits but he doesn't pay anything?!

Sounds like he has depression.

A live-in boyfriend who contributes zero is just pointless.

Why doesn’t he pay half of everything as that’s what his benefits are for

So eveN if you were 16 when you got together hes hes about 50 and your late 20’s . Your at massively different life stages, to be blunt you are wasting your life on someone who does not care about you, hes using as a maid , using you for money and using you for sex, you need ti leave him and get your life back c hes not even paying into the household or for his son . All money should be joint money, you would actually be better off financially without him. Get out and make something of your life, dont waste anymore time on him, you only get one life so make dsurr you live it for yourself and your son

And financially exploiting the tax payer if he's up and out for a day out but not for a job.

Sometimes abusers deliberately play up their excitement about other peoples birthdays and special occasions in order to show you the contrast with how they treat you. They spoil other people infront of you and then you get nothing from them on your special days.

It has two purposes. 1. To make you feel like shit and insecure thinking they don't like you much at all. 2. To get you to question it so they can start an argument with you that leaves you feeling like they are are injured party because you are selfish ir ungrateful or have misunderstood then. And end up apologising to them.

It's a power play.

Why isnt he paying half the bills??

My 81yr old neighbour has a more active social life than i do and i'm half her age! I wish i had her energy when i reach that age because i sure as heck don't have it now 😂

From what OP has said, he contributes nothing financially to the household, so he has all of his benefits to himself. He gave her a card, bar of choc & soap from their kid and a card from himself (she said 2 cards so likely 1 from the kid & 1 from him). Not bad for the kids pressies but zero from him.

It doesn't cost much to be nice and show appreciation.

He can't be bothered. Its the nastiness and lack of care that is horrible. I am sure if he gave you the same gifts while showing thoughtfulness you'd be happy enough.

How/where? He just sounds thoughtless and selfish to me.

Is there any reason to stay with him? Doesn’t sound like there is.

He's an arse OP.
My partner is also significantly older than me and isn't too well himself. However, he always buys me birthday gifts and flowers and my favourite perfume and Chocs at Christmas. We always go out on each other's birthday.

What do you want do happen?

He already had children when you met him - it is his son that had the recent birthday ? not your joint child ?