Am I unnecessarily picking faults?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

A boyfriend of 3 months… we’re both mature, I’m divorced with kids, he’s never been married and no dependants, just work to take care of.
I guess what’s been niggling at me is the fact that from very early on he has made relatively speaking little effort when it comes to arranging dates. He even said so himself, I’m not very good at it, but if you ever want to do anything, tell me and I’ll be up for it 🤷‍♀️ there’s also been a couple of occasions where I was unexpectedly available but he didn’t take me up on the offer. I wouldn’t expect anyone to, of course, be always available, but it’s still early days and I’m managing many more responsibilities and my time is a lot more limited than his. It just doesn’t feel like he is making much effort.
can I have some opinions please? I’m struggling to get right perspective on this! Thank you ☺️

That’s harsh. Some people are born organisers and proactive. Others go with the flow and if that’s how his life has been that’s fine.

I am the opposite. And yes, that’s sort of attitude would annoy me but in that case would say something to the other person and find some middle ground.

It is early days, but my experience is that in any relationship, be it friendship, romance, work colleague, repeated complications around setting up meeting times is not a good sign.

There isn't a 'right' perspective anybody can offer you. Your feelings are the perspective to look at this from.

It's not about who's right or wrong. He's allowed to be rubbish at arranging dates, he's allowed to not be available because he has a date with the TV.

Do you want a partner who gives you the feeling they're not making much effort? Because that's what you have, and it's up to you to decide whether you're happy with it.

I'd say that if someone isn't 'wow'ing you at every turn after 3 months, it doesn't look good.

Thank you so much everyone. You seem to think along the same lines as me… 😔
and I promised myself to trust my instincts…
in fact, the situation seems to be even worse than I thought when I posted. I’ve done a little ‘background’ check and it seems that quite possibly we haven’t actually been exclusive despite me thinking that we are…

Could he be set in his ways? If he isn’t proactive about dates/activities and not keen on spontaneous meet ups that may be why. He’s unlikely to change m.

@Knuckledeep he very much has… I don’t want to be too outing in what I share but you got this spot on… life of no responsibility,..

I’ve done a little ‘background’ check and it seems that quite possibly we haven’t actually been exclusive despite me thinking that we are

So he is capable of being proactive, when it's something he wants.

that would answer all my questions...

Has he never had a relationship before? He's never bought tickets for a gig, theatre, cinema? Never fancied trying out a new restaurant? Never wanted to see an exhibition or go on a hike?

What does he do? Twiddle his thumbs until someone puts him in a papoose?

Hahaha you hit it on the head @Watchkeys
omg… wow… looks like I have an interesting conversation ahead of me…

Yes @Peoniesinbloom it would appear so… 😔

@ThisIsaNiceDress oh no sorry to hear that is he married? Was thinking about going back on OLD after over a year off but it’s just so depressing as it seems there are so many underhand men out there 😩

No, not married @Newbeginning12 . But we have been exclusive from day one, and I’ve just found him active on a dating site a few hours ago.

We’re meeting this evening. There’s no plausible excuse for me not to end it is there?

@ThisIsaNiceDress you could say to him a friend of yours happen to see his profile on it in case he comes back with the old ‘but you were on it too etc’ say you had shown your friend a picture of him. Then maybe just say look if you are dating/looking for other dates you aren’t for me…….

@ThisIsaNiceDress meant to ask how old he is? The not being married/no kids thing often points to the commitment phobes unfortunately 😩. I know it’s a bit of a stereotype but seen it often…

looks like I have an interesting conversation ahead of me

I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't bother with an excuse for how you found his profile. Or even telling him you've seen it. After 3 months, this level of being crap warrants a quick 'I've decided not to see you anymore, please don't contact me again' message. It's not a conversation: his perspective makes no difference whatsoever.

An update for anyone who might still be interested… I asked to see his account and he showed it to me without hesitation… while it was active, there was not a single conversation there since we first met. He had no time to delete anything as I gave him no opportunity.
May I have your opinions please?

@Newbeginning12 he is almost 40. And yes there are things I know about from his past that suggest issues with commitment.

@Watchkeys even though I think the conversation was worth having, as I certainly didn’t expect the outcome to be what it was, I can see what you mean. I’m feeling really confused today. Really confused.

He’s keeping his options open OP. He may not have had a match since you started talking, or matches that fizzles out.

Jeez, he is not worth any more of your time op, finish things and look for a partner who can adult more efficiently.

@LessOfMe99 you are probably right but why can I not see it for myself 😔

If you have doubts after 12 weeks then it’s really not worth the hassle and time to move on. Don’t ever settle, aim for being someone’s number one, someone who would move heaven and earth for you, there is no point being with someone just to have a partner.