Am I unnecessarily picking faults?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

A boyfriend of 3 months… we’re both mature, I’m divorced with kids, he’s never been married and no dependants, just work to take care of.
I guess what’s been niggling at me is the fact that from very early on he has made relatively speaking little effort when it comes to arranging dates. He even said so himself, I’m not very good at it, but if you ever want to do anything, tell me and I’ll be up for it 🤷‍♀️ there’s also been a couple of occasions where I was unexpectedly available but he didn’t take me up on the offer. I wouldn’t expect anyone to, of course, be always available, but it’s still early days and I’m managing many more responsibilities and my time is a lot more limited than his. It just doesn’t feel like he is making much effort.
can I have some opinions please? I’m struggling to get right perspective on this! Thank you ☺️

Does he make you feel cherished and respected? That’s the main thing for any relationship as if the answer is no, then however much you put your head in the sand the truth is they do not really care about you.
You could try talking about how this is making you feel, kind of a heads up to him that if he doesn’t buck his ideas up he’ll be getting the heave ho?

I can only give a warning - an ex was very passive, had had no long term relationship before me or kids/house, said he was “someone who takes instruction” and whilst seeming a nice, harmless guy he actually was incredibly manipulative and I really wish I’d never met him.

If he hasn't committed to anyone in the past and/or is used to the life of a single person, maybe he just doesn't want what you want from a relationship? Sounds like he's happy to drift along and you're not. If he isn't stepping up now, he's unlikely to suddenly start doing so. I'd keep looking if I were you.

Oh god, I’m really grateful for all your responses. I’ve not got the greatest history of relationships and struggle to trust my own judgement to an extent. I do believe that how you start sets the tone for the future though, and this is not looking good, is it… it’s about my needs and him not meeting them already,,, and I don’t think I ask for that much. Jesus I sound exactly like what I was saying in my previous relationship and that did not end well. It ended in a disaster in fact.

@ThisIsaNiceDress don’t start worrying that you are asking for too much, you’re not.
My DP prefers being spontaneous, I prefer booking things so I can look forward to them, but the thing is - we unquestionably adore each other! Three months in, we just wanted to spend as much time together as possible, whether it was a day out or twenty minutes with a cuppa!

He even said so himself, I’m not very good at it, but if you ever want to do anything, tell me and I’ll be up for it

Not a red flag as such but at such an early stage, a dealbreaker for me personally.

Uninspiring, unimaginative, unadventurous, passive, boring and downright lazy.
No thanks.

@MrsTartanTeacosy and that’s another thing that’s really niggling at me… we usually see each other twice a week, mostly due to my commitments, but could do it more often… he chooses not to. At less than three months? That cannot be a good sign…. Is it?

No it isn’t a good sign. What positives are there in the relationship? I know it’s still fairly
early days but how do you feel about each other? Has he told you that he likes you, when you do see each other is he tactile, reaches for your hand etc?

But even if there are positives, if your energies and expectations are so different then you just aren’t well matched and it’s time to tell him this and move on.

@pictoosh I don’t know what is wrong with me that I just cannot see it as clearly as you guys can… 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Shallysally yes he is very tactile… and he does tell me he likes me, he misses me, how much he enjoys spending time together… and yet… there were a couple of occasions where I had an unexpected opportunity to see him.., and I knew he was free… and he declined… I got very upset and said to my friend, what sort of a man does that? Seriously. Barely three months in.,, shouldn’t they be jumping at every opportunity to see you?? 😔

Imtend to agree with the others.

If he'd framed it as, I don't want to be nagging you for dates - you've got three children to organise so your time is more limited. Let me know when you're free and we'll work aroound your schedule. That would have Neen one thing but too just come put amd say he's no good at it but he'll be up for whatever you suggest and then not being interested when you say you're free is just a bit too low effort.

You don't want to be in charge of organising everything (your childen and your relationship) while he just waits to be told where to turn up and when.

I'd want someone to be a bit more proactive than that.

Are you having sex with him during those twice a week meet-up OP?

@Mls1984btc what do you think… but it’s because I want it too… isn’t that, partly, why you are in a relationship? Part of me thinks that’s part of the problem, because didn’t make him ‘wait’ for it or earn it, because this is not how I see things… but maybe that’s where I’m going wrong…

I think that at three months in that yes, he should be taking the opportunities to see you especially as your free time is limited and you are showing him that he is a priority to you.

Have you asked him why he didn’t want to see you? Are you communicating that you were upset to him?

@Shallysally yes, I did communicate that. Last week actually. There were in fact two nights in a row where I extended the invitation and he declined. The second one was admittedly super last minute as we were both out that night and supposed to meet in the morning anyway, and I said, I’m back home now, why don’t you come back here instead to yours after your night out… he declined.

So OP he is in essence, a FWB. Please put him in that category and move on if you want more.

I’ve not got the greatest history of relationships and struggle to trust my own judgement to an extent

I think this is where you're going wrong. What is it you think you're supposed to be judging? You're not meant to be judging anything at all. You've been together 3 months, and you already don't feel good about the amount of effort he's putting in. You're question isn't a 'how bad is this?' question. There are no rules. It's not bad at all. He is not obliged, by anyone, or anything, to make any particular level of effort in his relationships.

Your question is a simple yes or no, and nothing to do with him: Do you want a partner that you feel like this with? Someone you question your judgement with? Someone you have to post on a forum to get advice about?

Keep in mind that, with a compatible partner, you will feel good, without caveats. Obviously if you were to get into a relationship with a compatible partner, things won't always be perfect, but you will have built a substantial body of 'feeling good' power, to outweigh some degree of turbulence.

@Watchkeys judging whether my reactions are justified or not. I totally get what you are saying but I know that I can be extremely reactive and easily triggered due to my history… so it could be that I’m looking for the holy grail here in terms of a partner 🤷‍♀️
I don’t think it’s the case here, I’m still processing everything and all the advice and perspectives offered by everyone here… but I feel confused and unclear…

@Mls1984btc sorry if I sound daft but it’s such an unclear territory to me… what would you say distinguishes between early stages of a relationship and a FWB arrangement… what should be present here for it to be a relationship but isn’t, as far as you can tell?

OP it doesn't sound like he's a good match for you. He sounds lack lustre and you are already questioning your compatibility. Trust your instincts here, this is how he is and at 40 he's unlikely to change. If he's not super keen at only 3 months in then l'm sorry but its not looking good.

Just to add some detail to make the picture more accurate… we’ve had some day trips together, we’ve planned a weekend away as well soon… so it’s not just twice a week sex… but all the other points stand and are still bothering me…

Yes, I see your point, but that's the mindset that's getting you into a mess.

If you have extreme responses to things due to your history (as do I), that doesn't mean that you have to change your responses. You feel what you feel, so if you have a massive problem when someone opens a yoghurt (to give a daft example), then the solution isn't 'Oh, my feelings are just silly, I'm over reacting, this is a 'me' problem' etc. The solution is to find a partner who is comfortable with never opening a yoghurt in front of you.

This guy has told you he doesn't make much effort, and you feel like he doesn't make much effort. You'd like a partner who makes an effort. Where exactly do you think there's any room for confusion?

What you're trying to do is minimise your own feelings: 'He's doing something I don't like, but it's my fault for not liking it, so I should just try to act like that feeling isn't happening within me.' All you end up with is a complicated future, because the damage cause by your history lives on in the present, and you end up putting yourself in a situation where you don't feel right, and you just have to keep putting up with it.

Re The Holy Grail, we are all looking for that. Most people aren't compatible with most people. If you have more specific needs, then it will narrow down the field, and if it's so narrow that it's impossible to find a partner, the solution isn't to stay with a partner you don't feel comfortable with. The solution is to stay single until you work out what's going on inside you.

what should be present here for it to be a relationship but isn’t, as far as you can tell

Again, this isn't about external verification. If the two of you feel yourselves to be in a relationship, you're in a relationship. This issue is about you, not him. It's not 'Is he right or wrong to do what he does?', it's 'Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who does what he does?'

Regarding the 'relationship', it's about the two of you, as a pair. It's not 'Are we doing the right things to class ourselves as a relationship?', it's 'Do we want to call what we have a relationship?'

@ThisIsaNiceDress why can’t he just delete the app though? There’s really no need for him to be on it

He's 40 years old and still not ready for a loving committed relationship! Which your posts very strongly suggest you are ready for. Let him go. Find a mature emotionally available enthusiastic man to spend your time with.

@Watchkeys you make a lot of sense. I’ve always admired your advice to others. Why is it so difficult to follow when it comes to your own situation… everything feels so blurred and confusing atm!