Am I unnecessarily picking faults?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

A boyfriend of 3 months… we’re both mature, I’m divorced with kids, he’s never been married and no dependants, just work to take care of.
I guess what’s been niggling at me is the fact that from very early on he has made relatively speaking little effort when it comes to arranging dates. He even said so himself, I’m not very good at it, but if you ever want to do anything, tell me and I’ll be up for it 🤷‍♀️ there’s also been a couple of occasions where I was unexpectedly available but he didn’t take me up on the offer. I wouldn’t expect anyone to, of course, be always available, but it’s still early days and I’m managing many more responsibilities and my time is a lot more limited than his. It just doesn’t feel like he is making much effort.
can I have some opinions please? I’m struggling to get right perspective on this! Thank you ☺️

@Newbeginning12 that’s what I think. But what’s the point in asking… then I would have to ask for so many other things… can you ask someone to be more enthusiastic about seeing you, more keen to do so? I don’t think so… I think I have my answer, I’m just not ready to act on it yet… 😔

@Joystir59 yes… the problem is that I am and I’m not. Because of my children, I can’t see myself moving in and setting up proper life together with someone… but I want more than he is offering for sure…

It's always harder when it's you, isn't it? It's amazing how our perspective changes.

I think 'avoid blurred and confusing situations' is good advice. It's not about asking the right questions and getting the right answers; it's about recognising that when you're comfortable, you don't have and questions.

Don’t accept breadcrumbs just because you’re a parent OP. If he hasn’t bothered deleting the app and his profile then it’s because he’d like to shag other people as well as you. It really is as simple as that.

you deserve someone who can book a restaurant and date you exclusively as an absolute minimum

@Cassidyscircus that’s what I need to hear…I’m not sure why my perspective is so bloody skewed… things happen that my instinct screams are not right and I justify them by assuming that I’m the unreasonable one.. asking too much… too soon… overreacting…while I’m not.

The point of asking is to establish what it is that he wants from this relationship. Surely if he is in tune with your feelings his appropriate response would have been that he would have deleted his OLD account at that time, in front of you, to give you that reassurance.

Also, again it’s about communication. If you don’t talk to him about the things that bother you then I think it’s safe to assume that either he doesn’t know, or he does know (and I’d go with this option personally) re the dating app.

Either way, if it’s this hard work so early on it’s a no go.

As a PP has said, maybe take some time to think about what you want from a relationship. Be secure and happy in yourself, it’s a new kind of freedom when you are happy being single. Changes your perspective of dating and relationships.

things happen that my instinct screams are not right

Then your perspective is not the problem, is it? You've got what you need, inside you to know when to say no to something. You have all your boundaries naturally set in all the right places.

The only problem is that you don't listen to them. You think there's something greater than you that's meant to be deciding if your natural boundaries are 'right' or not. Have a think about what that authority is. I nearly fell over, literally, when I had this realisation, I remember it clearly, I was walking the dog and my knees gave way so I stumbled. It's a big one.

@ThisIsaNiceDress its because you’re kind and thoughtful and have the emotional intelligence to look within instead of blaming other people. I think men particularly at this age, who haven’t settled down or tried to are typically quite loose cannons! I’m 38 and have had more than my fair share of dating men like this.

The last 6 months I have refused point blank to cook for any dates, make any kind of food arrangements at all, booked dates or asked if they’d like to meet etc. I don’t text first, I don’t say good night, barely compliment them.

(Ive still made arrangements for myself and friends as usual because I’m not a complete idiot 😂)

the results though have been astounding, I’ve never been treated so nicely in all my life!! Things booked and done, my opinion asked for, weekends planned and paid for. I’m absolutely baffled by men but this seems to be the only way to get them to want to commit to you properly, and put some fucking effort in

I suppose my point is that you should save your kindness, generosity, mental labour, money, body for only the following -
your children
your good friends
a person who is fully, whole heartedly in a committed relationship with you

@Cassidyscircus you almost made me cry with your last two posts…
I’ve had those thoughts before… that I give too much too soon… I did it in my last relationship and he broke my heart. I was determined not to let that happen again and here we are again,,, at least it’s early enough and I’m not as deep in as I was before 😔
I always said to myself, I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to be calculated, the right person will appreciate what I have to offer and the generosity of my spirit… but they just don’t seem to… instead they take it for granted. Treat them mean keep them keen?? That’s how I’m feeling right now.

I’m absolutely baffled by men but this seems to be the only way to get them to want to commit to you properly, and put some fucking effort in

But then you end up with a man, who, if you're as nice to him as you'd like to be, doesn't make an effort. It might work in the short term, because of the thrill of the chase, but what about when you start being 'the real you' again? The kind, sweet, thoughtful, attentive person you really are? Chances are, his efforts will wane, unless you've met the person you would have met by being yourself in the first place. Save yourself the effort of faking.

Just because there’s no current matches doesn’t mean he hasn’t had several that he’s deleted, they’ve expired or he’s moved to WhatsApp etc.

Tbh OP the twice a week thing wouldn’t be an issue to many people but it obviously is to you though reading your updates I actually think the number of times you meet is the very least of your issues with this one

I've never experienced this in my dating life before settling with DP who is also proactive like me.

But I have experienced it in some friendships and I'm responding because what strikes me is he has far less on his plate than you but you're the one doing the legwork and logistics. I let some of those friendships fizzle out. I didn't want to be the one coming up with all of the plans for things to do and the one checking train times and theatre times and booking and basically being their personal PA while they had far fewer responsibilities and did none of that.

I get that some people are proactive and others not and (ND, disabilities etc excepting) I have less and less patience for people who just want to tag along with me. I've also noticed the people I enjoy spending time with are also proactive and have more get up and go in their personalities in general, which is my style too.

thank you so much everyone who replied so far.., I really appreciate it..,
this whole thing has brought up a lot of anxiety which I had made so much effort to eradicate from my life… I’m feeling really awful tbh and in no state to make any decision.,.
I really value your support here ❤️

@ThisIsaNiceDress really sorry you are feeling down about it. Please remember it’s them and not you. I’m not a believer you can ‘teach’ someone to behave. They are who they are and if they need to be taught at this age they will just revert to type after a while and the whole thing will be pointless anyway

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish. Can I ask how you've been going about the 'eradicating anxiety' bit? I'm just picking up on it because the way you've phrased it is as if it's something to be 'got rid of', rather than 'nurtured'. A bit like if you'd said 'I'm sad, and I thought I'd beaten all the sadness out of myself'.

Thank you and yes, I agree with you. You cannot teach one, just like you cannot make one feel what one doesn’t feel…

@Watchkeys … well… my last anxiety trigger eradicated themselves after he left me out of the blue after 10 months… I’ve been heartbroken for a long time but the anxiety wasn’t there… and it wasn’t there at the start of this relationship… until this has happened…
when I’m talking anxiety I’m not just talking a slightly uneasy feeling indicating that something isn’t right… I’m talking an overwhelming, at times debilitating feeling that no one wants in their life.

I think if you're questioning it then it's not right for you. Maybe it could be put right with clear communication from both sides, maybe not.

Earlier you asked what's the difference between the early stages of a relationship and a FWB. I've been married for years, but thinking back, with a relationship it felt like we were in a team, we wanted to do the same things together, we knew we liked each other without asking.

We didn't call it FWB back then, but with more casual relationships, it would feeling we weren't a team, I might be second guessing the other person, they'd make me feel like I wasn't a priority. I had a boyfriend in university who went home most weekends and constantly talked about his wonderful family. I didn't feel important to him so I ended it.

I’m not very good at it, but if you ever want to do anything, tell me and I’ll be up for it

What bullshit. From this early stage, he's testing the waters, and wants to see how little he can get away with doing. It's on your shoulders to jolly him along and to try and muster up some enthusiasm for him, to do the associated admin as well. He might be apathetic anyway about all sorts of things, which is its own problem, but do you want a man that has this casual attitude towards you?

He's not really into you OP.

@Onelifeonly
one sentence struck me really hard: I didn’t feel important to him…
im not sure I feel important to him. I feel like he likes me, and enjoys me in his life… am I important to him? Are we a team? I’m not so sure about that.

Agreed.when I met my DH we both had full lives, hectic jobs and travelled for work… yet! Finding the time and meeting up was somehow very easy.

its not a good sign imo

OP, having read your posts I think you need to be single for a while and work with a psychologist on your anxious attachment and impulsiveness in jumping into relationships. That is a combination that will always fail. You need to get help in unpicking why you act/feel this way, how to identify unhealthy situations, and tools to deal with it.

I suspect the pattern will keep repeating until you have someone help you to break the cycle. I can feel your panic in some of your posts, your desperation to find a reason not to end things with this man-of-three-months. Working with someone will help you overcome this and help you in learning to put up healthy emotional barriers instead of being “all in” with someone who you don’t really know yet.

As someone above said, he is not serious about you. You deserve better. 💐

@WhichEllie thank you… it’s uncanny how others can see things about you that you yourself cannot…
it’s hurt me to read the words ‚desperation’ but I think you are right… and it saddens me so much, and I think I know where this is coming from… I am indeed desperate to be loved. Thank you for the flowers… 😔