Sex in TV shows...

[TwoPintsOfAleAndABagOfPorkScratchings]

I'll start this by saying that I don't really watch TV. I have one and I'll sometimes watch a documentary on Netflix or something but I don't watch TV.

Shows that other people have watched over the years have completely passed me by. For example, last year, I watched the first season of Prison Break for the first time. I just find it boring. I don't get invested or care about the characters so I generally don't watch it.

Anyway, my partner is more of a TV watcher than I will ever be and, if he wants to watch something, I go and do something else.

But because of him, I've become more aware of what is out there. I still have no interest in watching any of it though!

One thing that has really come to my attention is how much violent and explicit sex is in just ordinary TV shows. I know he watched Game of Thrones before we got together and he talked about watching House of the Dragon although, as far as I know, he hasn't yet. He's also just finished watching the most recent seasons of The Boys.

I'm just really uncomfortable with the level of nudity and explicit sex in these shows. I haven't said anything to him about him watching it because we've only been together for 2 and a half years and these are things he started watching before we got together. But he does know I don't like it and doesn't suggest we watch anything like that together.

But he's now shown an interest in a new series on Prime called something like Those Who Are About to Die or something. I looked it up to see if it was something i could watch with him and again its full of explicit sex, nudity, prostitutes etc.

It just feels, I don't know, degrading to me as a woman that women are exploited in this way for entertainment? That entertainment has to include gratuitous sex and violence against women. And men too to be honest. I don't like that either. It just feels unnecessary And I don't like it.

It might sound extreme but I just can't get my head round being with someone who is so kind and loving towards me enjoying watching women being raped and brutalised. Or even just the explicit sex and nudity.

And I don't think I want to be in a relationship with someone who watches it week in and week out for entertainment.

But I also know that some women enjoy these shows too. I've tried telling myself that it isn't real but the nudity is real, the bodies are real and the sexual acts are either real or designed to appear very real.

What are other people's thoughts on this?

You're not wrong about it being prevalent. It may be more explicit than the past, more porn-y, but exploitive storylines about rape etc have been hugely popular in all media forever. It was just more implied before.

But even 20 years ago there were lots of crime dramas with naked dead women as the set dressing.

I don't like it either, just some context.

As to how you choose to respond to your boyfriend watching them:

Something I had to learn was that you can't control someone's thoughts. People you love may have dark thoughts.

If you do feel super uncomfortable with him very popular television that you don't like, but he is otherwise being a decent person, you do have the option of leaving. Only you can decide if that is proportionate.

But you can't control his thoughts.

Acting is very competitive and good parts are few and far between. Many big stars have clauses in their contracts regarding nudity but unknowns don't and can't afford to get a reputation for being difficult.

I supppse everyone has bills to pay and people are worried about getting future work too.

I think it would be very hard for individual women to stand up and say I'm not doing that when they perecieve that there are plenty of others who will.

Whatever our job, how many of us really feel comfortable saying no?

I knpw. I've rewatched a couple of things I watched around 20 years ago recently. Like Wire in the Blood. There some nudity butnits not constant or gratuitous and there seem to be a lot of female sexual assault and rape victims. So I take you point on that. I suppose the difference now isn't hat the actual rape itself would be seen as entertaient. And the more brutal the better.

As far as partner is concerned, I'm just finding it hard to separate him amd how he is woth le from the images he has in his head and his thoughts around watching this stuff.

It's actually putting me off him 😕

I don't feel as comfortable having sex with him anynore. I can't have sex with him if he's recently watched something in case he's recalling it. It feels too close.

Why are you assuming he's enjoying these bits though?

It sounds like he has a genre of TV he likes. Swords, sorcery, medieval political intrigue. Witcher, Game of thrones etc.

Unfortunately, that genre is absolutely stuffed through with sexual violence at the moment.

I'm a sci-fi fan, luckily for me sci-fi isn't nearly as full of this stuff at the moment. But if it suddenly was, it's unlikely I'm going to stop being a sci-fi fan. I'm still going to want to see the spaceships and lasers and cool aliens, and if my only options to do that involve also sitting some content that makes me uncomfortable, then I'm probably going to end up sitting through it, scrolling through my phone for the grim bits.

You need to unclench

I suppose because I don't watch stuff that makes me uncomfortable. He must at least he comfortable with it to watch it.

And the fact that, as you say, it's "absolutely stuffed" with it. It's notnthenodd scene vleverynfew episodes that it's easy to make a cup of tea during. It's constant.

I think it’s a stretch to suggest the sexual violence is there entirely for men’s benefit. Fifty shades has a predominantly female audience and was hugely successful despite having a terrible script and plot. Sex, violence and death have always been major themes in the arts - Aristotle explained it as catharsis. It’s just more graphic now because we’re watching on tv. Though overall I’d say the violence is more graphic than the sex.

There was actually a rape storyline in Downton Abbey as I remember.

Violence and sex are part of life.

The Boys is a hilariously brilliant series, I love it, and the sex is the least of the problems on that show to be honest.

If people have nothing better to do than come on here and post about how TV shows have mortally wounded their sense of right and wrong then I think the local knitting group would like your number.

That historical fantasy type of genre always has it. DH likes those shows but I don't; not only because of the nudity, but that does add to the absurdity in my opinion.

I annoy my husband because I tend to ask "why are her breasts necessary in this scene?". They very rarely are, and the sex can easily be implied without there being a fully naked woman shown.

Those shows are just so absolutely full of tropes at this point that I struggle to enjoy them. Always the gruff Byronic hero, always the gratuitous torture scenes, always the braying, bawdy taverns, the bufoonish friend, the wise mystic woman, the 'not like other girls' love interest. Boring af.

I hate The Boys for its gratuitous sex and violence. I don't watch it but ExH used to and I would go and read in the next room.

Early GoT was gratuitous but it got a little less seedy as time went on.

I think Bridgerton (as pp said) has the nicest approach. Though I felt I was intruding on S3 E5 because of the intimacy, which was insane.

For those who don't like to watch it but whose partners do, how do/did you feel about that?

That's what I'm finding the hardest. I can just avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist. Or that it's worse in my imagination than it would be in reality (the latter won't be true. My imagination isn't that good 😁)

But I'm really finding it hard to reconcile him watching it with being with him and him being nice to me and, if I'm really honest, only ever wanting vanilla sex with me. Sorry, I'm finding it hard to articulate to myself what I'm most uncomfortable about. I can't really express it here properly.

OP I'm wondering if you're vulnerable and whether it's triggering for you. If so, discuss it with your boyfriend and come to a compromise. I don't think him watching a TV series with sex in it makes him a bad person. You're going to be hard pressed to find a man who doesn't watch programmes that may feature sex scenes.

There are plenty of shows without sex. I suggest Money Heist on Netflix (watch in original Spanish). The Gentleman was a recent fave. Mad Men - yes there's sex and you want to punch the men at times but very entertaining. Then there's the oddball stuff like Westworld, Stranger Things, Mr Robot. Give one of those a try.

OP, I actually like to watch certain genres my husband doesn’t - I sometimes enjoy assassin movies, buddy movies, and so on. He can’t be bothered. We both watch certain things together and I get pissed off if there’s too much rape, etc. We have been together a long time and we thrashed a lot out in the beginning. He didn’t really get it at first and perceived that he was being told off for finding women attractive.

Eventually he started to understand the difference between ‘finding a woman attractive’ and ‘treating a woman like an object’. And he hates scenes of women or girls being bullied.

All that seems like a distant memory though now. He would probably watch GOT if I wanted to, but I think lots of people enjoy that show for reasons other than the sensationalised sexual violence - I think it is quite gripping and I’m annoyed that I am not able to watch it for that reason (I’d find it disturbing as a woman).

I think you need to chat with him, to thrash it out, and to find out where he really sits with it. He might be one of those people who are gripped by it, but aren’t offended and disturbed by virtue of not being female?

Not exactly the same but DP enjoys properly gory horror movies. Proper torture porn stuff like Saw, the cube. Films where people are stuck in situations and have to hack off a limb to escape etc.

I don't understand why she would want to watch something like that, I really can't see the appeal. I find it quite sick.

But none of it is real. Just because DP enjoys horror films, does mean she wouldn't be horrified if a situation like that happened in real life. I trust that she understands the difference between real life and a movie. This is a woman who won't even let me kill a spider, despite the fact they terrifying her. I certainly don't think she's getting off on the idea of people being maimed.

Suggest you LTB. He will be better off without you!

So it's OK to enjoy watching women being raped and extreme and explicit sex and nudity but it's not ok to not like it? Got it.

@TwoPintsOfAleAndABagOfPorkScratchings Hello OP,

I don't have an issue with sex and nudity per se, but my issue with love, sex, and nudity in TV shows and movies is that it always seems to be awkwardly shoe-horned in, and love/sex/nudity doesn't really have a place in stories which aren't specifically about love/sex/nudity (the majority of TV shows and movies generally don't have much to do with love/sex).

I think there is also a proportion of the general public that, very strangely, places more value on seeing love and relationships on TV more than anything else, and only talk about the relationships and possible relationships in TV shows (see "shipping").

To me, storytelling, coherence, pacing, character development, music, and cinematography are far more important than anything else. Let's have more of this on TV/cinema and less relationships/sex/nudity.

@todayfortomorrow - it's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one annoying their DP/DH by asking 'why the breasts necessary in this scene'.
It has caused some heated debates in this house!

To me, storytelling, coherence, pacing, character development, music, and cinematography are far more important than anything else. Let's have more of this on TV/cinema and less relationships/sex/nudity.

I competely agree. I think it's often put in because a film/programme is lacking in those other areas.

Why the heated debates though? And what is the debate? Can't he enjoy the story if he doesn't see enough breasts?

Yes. I thought Stranger Things was so good to start off with, but there was more and more gore as it went on. It’s a shame when they get the bigger budget and carried away with spending it on special effects.

A series I thought went the other way, was Poldark - to start off it was like they were going for some romp-buster costume drama, but as it went on the storylines, characters and scripts got richer and richer as the series went on - it was really good.

The Orville was another that fell foul of the increased budget/shit script equation.

@TodayForTomorrow I annoy my husband because I tend to ask "why are her breasts necessary in this scene?". They very rarely are, and the sex can easily be implied without there being a fully naked woman shown.

Is this the wrong question?

Why is it necessary to even show, or tell, the audience when characters are having sex at all? Most of the time when I see it, it has no real relevance to the story. Why not just omit it completely?