Can a partner learn to be more emotionally available or empathetic?

[SHAW82]

I have been with my partner for 13 years, 10 years married.

He shows very little empathy or compassion which has become increasingly difficult, particularly when we had children.

If I am feeling overwhelmed or stress he is quite dismissive, or jumps to looking for a 'fix'. He gets very frustrated at what he sees as my 'neediness' to talk about emotions.

If I want to talk something through that is challenging, for example how I am feeling about something or trying to explain the stress of life admin, he becomes incredibly defensive and will shut me down in a number of ways. He will deflect it onto me, look at his watch, tell me I am repeating myself too much or tell me he's listened for ages. He always looks like he wants to be somewhere else, when I need him to be present sometimes. All of these things make me feel so incredibly alone and that I can't go to my husband to talk anything through.

When he shuts me down it really triggers me and my self esteem and mental health have both really suffered over the years. The message I get is that I am not important, my feelings don't matter and it seems painful for him to listen to me. The walls he puts up are impenetrable.

I do love him, he is a good father and a good person but there is this huge hole in our marriage. I have spoken so many times about how I feel and that I need more connection in a relationship. My question is, can someone ever develop this, genuinely? He has tried counselling but the counsellor stopped his sessions with no explanation other than she couldn't continue them.

I have never experienced such a lack of appetite to emotionally connect in a relationship before, and I so desperately miss that. I have never been seen as a needy person with past boyfriends who have been keen to connect emotionally.

He is the most extravert person with other people, warm and chatty. Although never has been a good listener and doesn't seem to think about other people much or their needs. I think he has Autism and ADHD which may impact much of this, especially the lack of empathy. He also comes from a very stoic family, who never share vulnerabilities, so I know he sees it as weak. They don't show any empathy either, favouring people who keep their problems to themselves.

He says he wants to work things out but it's destroying me going round in circles. What more can I do to encourage emotional connection?

I think it depends on if some of those feelings are there and just surpressed. In my relationship after divorce, I was a different person, more open, not scared to talk about my feelings and feeling 'vulnerable'. I think that was in me but just didnt come out there. Maybe if he sees what a big thing this is it could be that kick that allows him to break free a little more.

Honestly I'm starting to think that adult males don't actually have any emotions at all.

I know they are there when they're children as plenty of boys are sensitive and empathetic but I genuinely believe one of the things male puberty does is to cauterise the emotions.

Probably not what you want to hear, sorry.

Yes they can but they have to want to. Depending on the individual it can take years. Learning about their own attachment style can help. There are so many book podcasts and free resources. As well as finding a good therapist which sounds like your partners first therapist wasn't a good fit.

I do feel like the fact I've constantly felt like I've had to beg for this kind of support and openness, has changed the dynamic. That it would be easier for him to do it for someone else having seen the impact with me, but perhaps pride is also a barrier now. He feels very criticised and is very defensive. But all I am asking for is connection and effort to make that possible.

An interesting view! Food for thought. I think my issue is probably that I have had relationships in the past with very emotionally intelligent men. It deepened everything and I desperately want hat for me and my husband. But yes perhaps some are just not wired that way.

You're at an impasse and what you're doing isn't achieving the results you need. He obviously communicates in a very different way to you and you're not connecting.

Have you considered couple's counselling? It might help to learn different ways of communicating. Sometimes going for a walk helps as it feels less intense. Can you do more activities as a couple, try and rebuild intimacy back into the relationship? Any books on effective communication that you could try? Alternatively can you book counselling for yourself to work through your problems as he evidently isn't a good sounding board.

I don't think so - as change as an adult is difficult, not impossible but really difficult.

As an example - can you change your need for a connection?

In the nature/nurture debate I think nature has a stronger input, especially if you say his family are similar. Changing another person isn't something you can control so what is in your control?

Have you explored love languages? Do you feel loved by him? Why did you choose him, despite the lack of connection you had with other men? If you did separate and remained single how would you get your emotional needs met?

He is very much a product of his own upbringing. His family of origin are the same as he is. Nothingyou write of him suggests ASD or ADHD.

You write he’s a good father but you do not say he is a good husband. So he’s not. He seems to be able to interact better with outsiders so it is for you all this treatment of you is directed at. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.
What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Why did his counsellor feel she could no longer continue the sessions?. That is concerning. How did your husband explain this to you?.

I’m not sure one person can be everything - do you have female friends who are good talkers? Or a therapist? He might evolve or get better during walks etc. but in the meantime you might need others in your life too

He won’t change and he’ll probably get worse. Your choices don’t relate to how you will change him. They relate to what you will do next - stay with him and put up with it for the rest of your life, or leave and find someone more suitable.

Send him this:

Feeling Invalidated by Your Partner? | GrowingSelf.com

Also, you say that 'he feels criticised and defensive, but all you are asking for is...', and that's not a very validating way to look at his feelings, is it? After all, he shouldn't be feeling like that, because your request is perfectly reasonable, so if he could just stop feeling how he feels, and pay attention to how you feel instead, the world would be golden. Right?

I'm where you are. My partner has depression and doesn't validate anything anymore, it's really hard. But if we value validation, we have to do validation.

Are you able to ask him why he feels criticised, without feeling criticised by his response, and becoming defensive? Can you say to him 'I understand that it would feel that way, yes', rather than 'But the only reason I said that was because you...!'

I think it's possible for people to improve themselves. I'm wary about saying "change" because you'll still be you with the same basic traits and response patterns but I do think it's possible to fine tune them to be a better version of one's self. Some of this can come with maturity and wisdom, some if it requires a conscious decision and effort.

I have ADHD (diagnosed in my 40s) and probably ASD (not assessed but one of my children has it and I have a lot of traits). I've done a lot of work on myself to be less rigid in my thinking, and understand that other people's thoughts/feelings/preferences/responses can be different. It's been very beneficial not just for those around me but for me as a person. It has really opened my eyes and has made me a better mother, wife, friend, lawyer and manager.

But I think many people, especially men, have zero inclination to change anything because they feel they are fine and anyone else who rocks the boat is simply wrong/unhinged/stupid. My husband can be a bit like that and it can feel so dismissive and hurtful. I can now "use my words" to calmly set out the issue and often he can then understand the different perspective and reasoning. But underneath it annoys me that it's still me making the effort to address this while he makes zero effort to develop his emotional intelligence. If I hadn't made the effort we would have likely divorced long ago. If I suggested it he would probably think "pah, new age bollocks". And he would have been flummoxed by the notion of divorce because "everything's fine". Grrrrrr.

Thank you, I have tried a lot of what you mention. We have had couples counselling. It worked to some extent - mainly I think he was happy to have a platform. He seemed to be able to raise things there quite happily but still not really listen or reflect personally.

Walking definitely helps and we don't do that as much as we could. We have small children and need to prioritise 'us' more.

We do have very different love languages, He appreciates hot drinks made for him and food so does this for me. Partly also I think because he will always choose a practical action over an emotional response.

I need to feel heard and understood to feel connected and loved, which takes listening and curiosity.

I have had two stints at personal counselling and have found it very powerful and that I have grown as a person each time. So much delving into my own stuff but the amazing healing and calm that has come from that.

This really resonated: "I think many people, especially men, have zero inclination to change anything because they feel they are fine and anyone else who rocks the boat is simply wrong/unhinged/stupid."
I have tried speaking really calmly but he says I sound passive aggressive....can't win!

I think the issue for me is that the lack of connection effects everything else - how much I feel I can share, the support he is able to give when I need him, the desire I have to have sex when the connection isn't nurtured and I'm made to feel so dismissed/unimportant.

I need him to change a bit, otherwise sadly none of these will.

The classic answer is to tell him "I'm not looking for a fix right now, I just need to talk about it." After 13 years, though, it might be too late especially if counselling didn't work!

I've re read your post and notice you said when you talk about life admin he shuts you down. Since he deals with action have you considered giving him tasks to take over?

I'm also wondering if your previous counsellor wasn't very good. It seems as though they gave him a platform to your detriment and didn't challenge him enough.

If someone loves you they make an effort to address concerns. If you explain that you need him to just listen for 15 minutes and to not offer solutions, would that work? Does he perhaps need to be told directly what to do in order to validate you?

He said he wants to work on the relationship, then you need to take him up on that and express clearly and unemotionally what that means.

If the walks work then that's great, that's a way forward. Is there anything else you can bond over? Sometimes just spending time together doing something you enjoy helps rebuild intimacy and connection.

A great link - thank you. I have saved it. I have shared many similar articles with him over the years but unfortunately I don't think he really commits to any kind of personal growth. Easier to see me as needy than to question if he could do more to be emotionally present and the positive impact that could have.

I'll try and be more curious about his feelings but honestly, I am quite good like that. I am naturally and genuinely interested in him but I have slowed down on these things because it feels so depressing getting little interest back.

It's odd isn't it. I don't know and I genuinely don't think he was given an answer. Which I think is quite poor of the counsellor tbh. It was actually one thing that I think hit home a bit.

My guess would be that he wasn't really open to being emotionally available.

Yes I do that regularly. He has tried to change a bit and I can see him stopping himself sometimes and saying something more appropriate like 'oh that must be frustrating'. It sounds incredibly robotic though, and the default response of dismissal or fixing it was clearly his first thought. Sometimes he does that for a long time and then after 10 mins he might say the more empathetic thing. Then he wonders why I can just go, great and move on. The sadness for me is that he doesn't naturally show that care as his response. Perhaps I am asking for too much.

This is where I am at. Such sad choices.

It sounds like you've made huge changes to try to improve your relationship and that as DH is content with the way things are, he sees no need to change.

Great advice - thank you. He definitely needs a lot of direction. Which I struggle with as I desperately want to feel that it is natural for him to show care and curiosity and interest in me. The directions are a good idea though.

I think part of the issue is that the things I need (listening, validation, curiosity, him to emotionally open up) are all so hard for him that he can feel that he doing LOADS of it when I feel it's non existent. I think if he stops himself interrupting me and refrains from talking for a minute he thinks he's done loads of listening for example.

I have 2 or 3 wonderfully emotionally intelligent and supportive friends, one has a similar partner. They are amazing to talk to and we support each other a lot.

I could have written this myself OP. Can't reply properly now but will do so later. No real advice, but happy to share experiences. Sounds so similar