Can a partner learn to be more emotionally available or empathetic?

[SHAW82]

I have been with my partner for 13 years, 10 years married.

He shows very little empathy or compassion which has become increasingly difficult, particularly when we had children.

If I am feeling overwhelmed or stress he is quite dismissive, or jumps to looking for a 'fix'. He gets very frustrated at what he sees as my 'neediness' to talk about emotions.

If I want to talk something through that is challenging, for example how I am feeling about something or trying to explain the stress of life admin, he becomes incredibly defensive and will shut me down in a number of ways. He will deflect it onto me, look at his watch, tell me I am repeating myself too much or tell me he's listened for ages. He always looks like he wants to be somewhere else, when I need him to be present sometimes. All of these things make me feel so incredibly alone and that I can't go to my husband to talk anything through.

When he shuts me down it really triggers me and my self esteem and mental health have both really suffered over the years. The message I get is that I am not important, my feelings don't matter and it seems painful for him to listen to me. The walls he puts up are impenetrable.

I do love him, he is a good father and a good person but there is this huge hole in our marriage. I have spoken so many times about how I feel and that I need more connection in a relationship. My question is, can someone ever develop this, genuinely? He has tried counselling but the counsellor stopped his sessions with no explanation other than she couldn't continue them.

I have never experienced such a lack of appetite to emotionally connect in a relationship before, and I so desperately miss that. I have never been seen as a needy person with past boyfriends who have been keen to connect emotionally.

He is the most extravert person with other people, warm and chatty. Although never has been a good listener and doesn't seem to think about other people much or their needs. I think he has Autism and ADHD which may impact much of this, especially the lack of empathy. He also comes from a very stoic family, who never share vulnerabilities, so I know he sees it as weak. They don't show any empathy either, favouring people who keep their problems to themselves.

He says he wants to work things out but it's destroying me going round in circles. What more can I do to encourage emotional connection?

It's not a tiny percentage of men acting like fuckwits in their marriage or wanking themselves stupid on porn though, is it? If you're going to NAMALT me, try addressing the substance of my argument.

I never described them as monsters. I am just deeply, deeply disappointed in them as human beings. Women also have their problems, but generally manage not to be so exploitative or so damaging, on a micro and a macro scale.

Oh, just so you know, I could show my DH my post above and he would agree with every single word. He thinks men are generally shit too, but he manages an impressive magic trick of not letting that affect his super-high self esteem in the slightest.

I’m not NAMALTing you, I am saying it’s not cool to refer to any humans, even men, as ‘not fully human’

No issues with you expressing disappointment in men being generally shit, just the dehumanising rhetoric. : D

I'm currently (trying to) divorce my ex who, in my opinion, is dead inside. My heart goes out to all in a similar marriage. It is utterly soul destroying and I had to get out to save myself.

Again, he has childhood trauma, comes from a stoic family but you know what, it was no excuse for how I was treated, so dismissive and avoidant of any of my needs. I was terrified to even bring up anything that may even remotely be perceived by him as a criticism. No thought or consideration ever given to me. By the end I didn't give one shiny shit about his childhood, everything I felt for him was gone and replaced with utter hatred and resentment.

He is with someone else now and I worry for this woman. He has told me she is a lovely, kind person, so was I. He is going to destroy her too.

After 6 years of therapy, soul searching, reading, learning about myself and him, I'm finally at peace.

I wish all in similar circumstances to find peace in themselves too x

Your post really resonated with me and my current situation, I am convinced my DH has narcissistic personality and is unable to change. We will argue, he will make promises, try to maintain what I need for couple of weeks but then slips back to his usual behaviours and patterns. Exhausting rollercoaster.

The thing is though, that the same men who are lacking in empathy and other, more tender emotions, aren't lacking in emotions such as anger and self pity at all. If anything, they have unreasonable levels of anger and self pity. So I see this as a function of learned, toxic expression of traditional masculinity rather than something innate. They are suppressing the emotions they see as "girly" in order to fit into a stereotype.