Can a partner learn to be more emotionally available or empathetic?

[SHAW82]

I have been with my partner for 13 years, 10 years married.

He shows very little empathy or compassion which has become increasingly difficult, particularly when we had children.

If I am feeling overwhelmed or stress he is quite dismissive, or jumps to looking for a 'fix'. He gets very frustrated at what he sees as my 'neediness' to talk about emotions.

If I want to talk something through that is challenging, for example how I am feeling about something or trying to explain the stress of life admin, he becomes incredibly defensive and will shut me down in a number of ways. He will deflect it onto me, look at his watch, tell me I am repeating myself too much or tell me he's listened for ages. He always looks like he wants to be somewhere else, when I need him to be present sometimes. All of these things make me feel so incredibly alone and that I can't go to my husband to talk anything through.

When he shuts me down it really triggers me and my self esteem and mental health have both really suffered over the years. The message I get is that I am not important, my feelings don't matter and it seems painful for him to listen to me. The walls he puts up are impenetrable.

I do love him, he is a good father and a good person but there is this huge hole in our marriage. I have spoken so many times about how I feel and that I need more connection in a relationship. My question is, can someone ever develop this, genuinely? He has tried counselling but the counsellor stopped his sessions with no explanation other than she couldn't continue them.

I have never experienced such a lack of appetite to emotionally connect in a relationship before, and I so desperately miss that. I have never been seen as a needy person with past boyfriends who have been keen to connect emotionally.

He is the most extravert person with other people, warm and chatty. Although never has been a good listener and doesn't seem to think about other people much or their needs. I think he has Autism and ADHD which may impact much of this, especially the lack of empathy. He also comes from a very stoic family, who never share vulnerabilities, so I know he sees it as weak. They don't show any empathy either, favouring people who keep their problems to themselves.

He says he wants to work things out but it's destroying me going round in circles. What more can I do to encourage emotional connection?

Exactly. You need something he is either unwilling or incapable of giving. Your needs are completely reasonable and to be expected of a life partner to provide for. So your choice is to stay and continue to be miserable or to leave and at least have the possibility of finding somebody who meets your needs.

I’m just like your DH.
I do have Autism and ADHD, but the main reason I am this way is because of my childhood.

I was responsible for raising my four younger siblings from age 7.

I was not allowed to show any emotions. Crying would result in being given something to really cry about (a beating).

When I needed help of any kind, I had to literally stand to attention on the rug in the living room and ask for it like Spock on Star Trek. If I allowed any frustration, anger, or pleading emotions into my voice or body language, I would be told to go to my room and come back when I could be reasonable and rational. Pure logic, no emotion.

The way my parents showed they cared was to teach me a fix or dictate a solution.

I am female. I struggle to show emotions. Part of me is still afraid if I do, I will be punished. Everything I learned about the right things to say even the facial expressions, I have learned as an adult by copying others.

You say his family are very “stoic” and have taught him that emotions are a “weakness”. That is how my family appeared in public. Behind closed doors was much worse. We might as well have been robots.

If your DH had a childhood similar to mine, all I can say is he was taught that providing a fix/solution shows you a) have listened very carefully and b) care about the person enough to help them in any way you can.

My DH is a very emotionally sensitive man. He says a lot of the things you do. It took ages for him to understand why long emotional 🥲 sessions push me from agitated to literally fleeing from the room. It’s an old survival response…too much emotion resulted in violence on me from a very young age. I’d also rescue siblings from it by swooping in and getting them if they got too emotional around my parents.

It’s a trauma response. For me.

No idea for your DH but the similarities are uncanny. Maybe ask him why being around emotions gets him agitated and wanting to leave? There is a back story. We are made to be like this, not born like this.

I know this is said daily but you knew what he was like when you had children with him? People rarely change but whose to say you are right and he is wrong?

It's not about right and wrong. She is not getting what she needs. She is allowed to have needs.
Be that as it may, it is wrong not to support or connect with your partner emotionally, because it destroys the relationship and causes pain.

@SHAW82 empathy is innate. You either have it or you don’t.

There is nobody to say who's right or wrong, but what's your point?

No idea for your DH but the similarities are uncanny. Maybe ask him why being around emotions gets him agitated and wanting to leave? There is a back story. We are made to be like this, not born like this.

This. I literally can not cry. I had a bad fall when pregnant with dc1, didnt make a sound when I went down even though it really hurt. I can't deal with emotions either, if people get upset around me I need to fix it fast. If they don't want solutions I need to remove myself because I can't wrap my head around what feels like pointless wallowing. Thanks to several long/intensive interviewing technique courses for work, I can fake it enough to get people to open up to me but I can't give the same in return.

OMG, I wish you wrote a book on how to educate a difficult husband! But Im going to look up Emotional literacy, maybe I could make him read up about it.

Have you looked into attachment styles? Particularly one called “dismissive avoidant.” See if any of those traits sound familiar.

Attachment styles affect us all hugely, but so many people are unaware of them.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since last August, and what I’ve learned about my childhood trauma and subsequent patterns and attachment style, and that of my spouse, have been hugely eye-opening.

The person who said they don't seem to have the same emotions and I think that's true.

I don't think most of them even like women that much

They like us for regular sex and the other services we provide for them whether than be life admin, housekeeping, split finances with.

He likely gets all his needs met so he's fine with things and sees no reason to change.

Changing means more effort for him. Most men won't do that.

I feel this is rarer in women and when one sees it in women it is often, as in your case, the direct result of trauma or again in your case, Autism or another neurally diverse condition. That's not to say there aren't very naturally emotionally stoic women out there, there are, it's just not as usual and I find even such women can at least understand why you're upset even if they find your emotional response somewhat distasteful/self-pitying.

With men it seems to be a more innate feature. Yes sometimes exacerbated by trauma, but more part of the personality in general. And sometimes they struggle even why you feel as you feel at all.

That said I have boys myself and they are just so sensitive as children. I wonder if testosterone during puberty plays some sort of influence sometimes. Either way it drains you to have to keep tiptoeing around expressing your feelings and then experiencing a painful backlash when you do along with self-doubt and a plummet in self-esteem.

I do agree with you that this is much more common in men and maybe a boy’s upbringing is more likely to be how mine was despite my being a girl. There is toxic masculinity everywhere that is all obout toughening up boys, and showing the strong and silent type of man as an ideal.

I often don’t get why others are so upset at things. I struggle to identify emotions in myself and others. I only realised the why I can’t cry or be around emotional people and intense emotions after decades of therapy at the ripe old age of 50. I haven’t made any progress on changing this about myself even though I’d love to and have tried.

I agree it makes us very difficult to live with as partners. I don’t think OP has to live with it or accept it. I am a person where to change the way the OP wants is simply impossible. It is a case of can’t not won’t for me and perhaps for the OP’s DH.

have tried, believe you me, especially when my DC were emotional roller coaster teenagers. I have tried for my DH who as another poster said, goes to his best mates for emotional support as I am “too literal and cold”. He understands me better though and sees that my jumping in to try and fix things is how I show I care. I also give him an awkward hug now and then…I am not very good with the timing yet!

Such a relief to hear another woman express this. I've got to the same point too. I actually wonder if they're fully human, to be honest. Disturbingly I did read somewhere about testosterone blunting the emotions, from a woman who was transitioning.

Men are “fully human” ! No need to wonder. HTH.

And yet, all over the world, in relationships and outside them, they are acting as if they are not. HTH.

What do you mean by that? I am not really down with dehumanising men.
It’s not funny or acceptable. The incel forums say the same things, only about women.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can see what you're saying. You can't change by a great degree. But crucially you 1. Acknowledge the problem 2. Aren't happy about it 3. Have sought help off of your own back 4. Acknowledge the toll on your partner. 5. Are trying to help others understand the problem in order to help.

To see that would actually be something. I think from the previous responses from OP and others and now yours, I can see that its best I'm not with my ex as he demonstrated none the things above that you with the same issue are displaying. One conversation and no action is not enough. It's the willingness to want to understand and to want it to be better, even if it realistically can't. I feel an inner peace about it now.

In the second scenario (making effort etc) staying and accepting might be doable, even desirable.

But with no acknowledgement or effort, no.

Your posts are really good for clarifying things, thanks for sharing.

This. I suspect my DH is actually sociopathic, based largely on how he behaved in his last marriage and observing him for two decades in this one. It took me a long time to realise he genuinely has no empathy. He's very good at faking it though, completely different person when he's out and about or we have visitors. Mr Engaged and Charming.

OP, in my experience, nothing you do will make any difference. I have talked to my DH about this endlessly. He sulks and stonewalls, then eventually agrees, and nothing changes. His conversation is entirely focussed on life logistics. He can see I'm depressed or upset, and not even refer to it. He knows I am utterly miserable, but doesn't care until I start saying I want a divorce. He also knows I hate him for how he's behaved, but he doesn't care about that either. He's perfectly happy living with a partner who despises him as long as she isn't bothering him with her pesky feelings.

Yeah, I know, I should leave him. I should have done it years and years ago but I got stuck in the cycle you're in now of trying to change him, which is about as effective as pushing water uphill. Don't be me.

That's interesting about the Testosterone blunting emotions from a trans person.

To follow on from this post:

Doing something, seeking help, feeding back says: I do see you, I do love you, I know the way I respond hurts you, I can't change, but its not because I don't want to.

It shows love. But it's a hard reality of not being able to change. We all do have limits in our personality expression once it's been hardwired I guess.

What I mean is I have lost count of marriages I've come across where the men allow women to work outside of the home and most of the work in it. Where the men treat their wives like appliances, or human support units. Check out the statistics for men abandoning their children when a relationship ends, simply walking away and evading child support. Or the crimes statistics - 98% of all sexual crimes are committed by men. Look at how many men are addicted to graphic and violent porn. Check out true facts like domestic violence peaking when men's favourite football teams loses a match. Start paying attention to the common denominator of perpetrators of atrocities - they are always men.

I could go on and on and on. I could point to religions, to history, to global regions and give you countless examples of men behaving appallingly and displaying an astonishing lack of humanity, but I suspect they still wouldn't be enough for you.

And the difference between me and incels is that I can point to stuff in real life and not just things made up in their heads. The incels mindset is exactly what I'm referring to - men who think women 'owe' them sex, who view women as a commodity and feel entitled to be enraged when women won't behave like one. Find me women who think like that.

@SHAW82 It sounds a miserable existence. Painful and damaging for you, on a loop, leaving you more and more insecure and frustrated and sad. I think you have to separate from him.

Yes, I agree because there is no way to know if you can change something lacking in yourself or not without putting forth effort in seeking therapy and trying multiple attempts to change. Not even trying is dismissive and uncaring.

Acknowledging our own flaws is also critical. If I’d been jealous of my DC seeking emotional support from DH (they only come to me when they need action because in their words I ‘get shit done’) or jealous of my DH having heart to hearts with his mates- that would be grossly unfair. I have no right to complain because I know it’s a need to get emotional support, and if I can’t do it, my loved ones have every right to get it elsewhere.

Fortunately for me, my DH accepts this black hole, this flaw about me and he has support to offset it. I am also not an angry person- which is his bugbear he can’t be around anger. So the lack of emotion there is the silver lining that I’m not going to get all enraged, I stay calm. 😎

Ok, but these are all human actions. Humans can be bad and good. It’s not good to dehumanise any demographic because of bad stuff or evil intent by a few within the demographic. For all that most crimes are done by men, it is still only a tiny % of men that do them. And even evil, bad men are still human beings, not monsters.

Part of the reality of being human is to be both good and evil.

I think with a lot (not all ) of men if they feel it doesn't involve them or is nothing to do with them then they don't care . They hate conflict and will try to deflect and blame . My husband says he isn't going to fight my battles for me . I don't want him to fight them for me I want him to fight them with me . If he can't or wont then at least show concern not just shut down . In a marriage or partnership it should be the both of you against the world showing a united front . If you don't then people will divide you .