Will She Come Back?

[ba2407]

My girlfriend broke up with me on June 15th, completely unexpectedly. We had been together for 18 months, living together for 9. I'm 31, she's 32, I was her first boyfriend. Our relationship was great despite a rough last few months—we never argued and shared the same values and goals. We had discussed marriage, knew our wedding venue, and wanted kids. We enjoyed weekends away and a ski trip in February. Her family and friends liked me, and mine liked her. Her stepdad has even remained supportive and in contact at times since our breakup.

In March 2024, I gambled for the first time in a year, leaving me feeling suicidal for a week and depressed for a few months. This affected my mood and resulted in a lack of activities for us, as I was too embarrassed to let her pay for everything and was struggling myself where to turn to deal with these feelings i has never had before. I then reached out for help. However much I was struggling when I was around her things were better and I still did all I could despite struggling then to be a good boyfriend. I always treated her so well and we were a great team. I know she is the one.

She was supportive when I told her I gambled, and I started therapy and medication. She noticed improvements, but then ended things on June 15th, saying she couldn’t do it anymore, we hadn’t had fun recently, and maybe we needed space. This was a shock, as she had never mentioned any issues or concerns before and there was nothing wrong between us.

The breakup spurred me into action. I started journalism, running, going to the gym, and attending both weekly group and one-on-one therapy. By June 27th, my therapist noted significant progress, and I felt like a new person—confident, focused, motivated, determined, and clear-minded. I had finally found a formula that worked for me.

I texted her on July 2nd, she replied within 30 seconds, and we met for a walk that evening. I shared the changes I’d made, and she noticed how happy and different I was, saying these changes gave her hope for our future. I read her a list of where we went wrong and solutions, including planning our months together. She was very happy and told me these changes gave her hope. I acknowledged where I went wrong, showing her a list ive made of where I went wrong, we went wrong and solutions. She was very pleased with this and liked it. One of my soluations was to get together at the beginning of the month and plan our time together so we are doing stuff and having fun.

We held hands, kissed, told each other we missed and loved each other and agreed to start talking and meeting up again. We both told each other how special this way and we have never had anything like this before. That evening, she texted, saying it was nice to see me. We continued to text on July 3rd, exchanging emotional messages and reaffirming our love for each other.

On July 4th, I went to move my stuff out. She cried the whole 1hr 30 I was there, saying it felt wrong and that she missed living with me. She apologised for not addressing issues earlier and bottling them up . Despite the emotional turmoil, she made me dinner, despite me saying I don’t want to outstay my welcome and got me sweets for my 3-hour car journey after.

Before I left, she asked for three weeks of space. I haven’t spoken to her since then, and I miss her deeply. I’m confused about why she wanted space after agreeing to meet up again.

One concern is her friend who moved in with us in January. My ex admitted she had been comparing our relationship to her friend’s long-distance relationship. She also said she was not surprised we had broken up and told her to be careful going on a walk with me. This has made me wary of what her friend might be saying, despite us always getting on.

The three weeks of space end on Thursday, I have not contacted her and I plan to let her come to me.

I’m seeking advice on whether she’ll come back and how much the changes I’ve made will influence her decision.

Many thanks.

In the first post he says he is early 30s and this is his first relationship

No its her first relationship. She is 32. I am 31 and have had 3 previously relationships, all lasting about a year. Prior to this relationship I was single for 3 years.

I started journaling

Are you a journalist or writing a personal journal?

I have thought everything through a lot. I've made a list of where I went wrong, we went wrong and solutions

This doesn't sit right with me but out of curiosity, where is it you both went wrong?

One solution to get rid of the not had much fun recently was to sit down at the beginning of every month, plan our month our together and plan stuff in, have a weekend away every 3 months and plan our 2/3 holiday a year.

Not going on holiday every 3 months shouldn't have a detrimental impact on a relationship. This sounds like it's in a constant honeymoon phase and not long term realism.

Sorry what I meant by that is I am not gambling every day and have not for a long time. I know its a problem I have to work on forever.

She is nearly 33 so I agree and I think this has scared her because before this it was all fine

I'm not surprised she is scared. I'd let her go.

You are a problem gambler though you protest otherwise. She doesn't want to he involved in that and I think she is trying to let you down gently.

Started writing a personal journal.

I went wrong by gambling, and she went wrong bottling in her thoughts and not saying once to me this is a problem can we have a chat, which is odd given how well we worked together all the time. Of course I take most of the blame tho.

I meant 2/3 holidays a year. But agree, I know relationships arent all go go go. We got into a come home watch netflix phase in the last few months, it happens.

She has not mentioned the gambling once, her reasons were not had much fun recently and different stages in our life, which was discussed we weren't she just thought we were. I asked her both times we met up is there anything you are holding in and haven't said, both times she said no I have said it all. However I still do think she is holding back, maybe out of fear of hurting me?

She probably hasn’t brought up the gambling because she doesn’t want to back you in to corner where you feel like you have to make promises to her that you might not be able to keep.

Addiction is an illness, depression is an illness. You cannot promise you will not relapse any more than a cancer survivor can promise they will not relapse. All you can do is take every option available to you to minimise the risk of it happening again. (Which is precisely what you are doing!)

But, you can make promises to her about what you will do if it does happen again - that you won’t shut her out, you will tell her how you are feeling and seek help as soon as you feel the slightest pull.

When the time is right you should talk to her about it. You should be the one to broach the subject, rather than waiting to see if she addresses it. Show her that you know this is a problem whether or not she feels it is. That, whilst you don’t want to burden her with your problems, you owe her complete honesty. I’m sure she will tell you that she wants you to share this stuff with her.

And if she doesn’t want to know about it, or wants to pretend it didn’t happen. Then she isn’t right for you.

You’re right , I cannot promise her or anyone I won’t ever relapse again, but I will continue to take my medication daily and to continue to attend weekly group therapy, speak with a peer supporter weekly, have one to one therapy every 2/3 weeks, run 15-20k a week, lift weights and keep journaling. It might sound a lot but I am thoroughly enjoying it.

I held back how I truly was feeling during that bad period due to feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want to worry her or make her think less of me. I tried to push through it for a month hoping things would get better then I seeked help. Prior to this I had been very open and honest with her about everything in my life.

since these changes I have not really had any gambling urges, I have completely stopped watching sport which has helped massively. I used to be obsessed with sport. Now I am doing what’s best for me. I was probably playing with fire and temption too much and got burnt. I quit my football team tonight too. I told the manager I want to spend my weekends different. He was shocked but it’s what’s best for me.

When we met up for a walk, I did tell her all that I haven’t learnt and realised in regards to the gamble, the “dry drunk” phase I got stuck in and how I’ve accepted what I need to do now. She was so happy, and told me these changes make her happy, but I know I need to show her they are here to stay and to build up her trust.

No protest, if you want to call me a problem gambler that’s fine.

Yes I do fear this is her way of letting me down gently, although she could have ended it when I got my stuff. I am sure I will get an answer within a week off her

and she went wrong bottling in her thoughts and not saying once to me this is a problem can we have a chat

She went wrong by not talking to you about the fact that your gambling is a problem?

No, sorry. This isn't on her. There's no part of 'dealing with your addiction' that is on her. She was not obliged, in order to have a healthy relationship, to raise the issue of your unhealthy behaviours. Why would you want to put that responsibility on her? Why wasn't it up to you to identify and address your own issues?

No protest, if you want to call me a problem gambler that’s fine

What would you call yourself? Has your gambling caused a problem?

Put yourself in my shoes -

Our relationship is going very well and everything in both our own lives is too.

I then gamble, unsure why at the time (now I know due to the therapy), it leaves me feeling awful, depressed and in fear she would leave me. I tell her I gambled, she was shocked and upset but very supportive and said we can get through this. It was a tough few months.

i start to attend therapy and taking medication. After 3/4 weeks she says she already notices and difference in me and is proud of how well I am doing. I knew I was better but more work needed to be done. We go to her cousins wedding all is normal life is back for us.

The whole week before she ended it everthing was normal, even the morning of it. No hint or suggestion anything was coming. Not once in 18months did she says this is an issue we need to discuss this. One Saturday she comes upstairs sits down starts crying and she ends it, I was in tutorial shock, she stated we haven’t had fun recently which was true, we got into a married couple watch Netflix phase, she said we were at different stages with our lives which we later discussed we weren’t and want the same things.

I feel like there is more she hasn’t said, which is why I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned the gambling. On both occasions when we have met up since I have asked her is there anything else you want to say or discuss and she’s said no.

the gambling is not her issue to face or deal with, it’s mine and I am now addressing this. She stopped communicating about things that bothered her and let them out all at once and ended it instead of working through and discussing things. Which is surprising given she was always so supportive of anything and everything I did, we rarely got annoyed at each other and never once argued. It was just so natural and peaceful being with her.

The fact she has apologised to me for bottling things up and not talking earlier tells me she knows she got that wrong. I have apologised to for not talking and not using resources prior to gambling, which I now know are vital and I use those services at least twice a week.

It’s clear to me this break up was caused by a lack of communication on both parts and my gambling bilp. I do take a larger responsibility than her for sure

So you're not a journalist. You're writing a journal. Two completely different things.

I have to say, if my ex partner wrote a list of things I'd done wrong in a relationship I'd be outta there.

Sitting at home and watching netflix shouldn't be causing an issue in a relationship, especially a new one.

Your relationship wasn't going very well.

You'd both stopped making effort and you'd started gambling.

She doesn't have to give you a warning or give you a chance to change, she can end it for any reason or no reason with or without warning.

Even when your relationship is going well, you relapse and gamble. This doesn't bode well.

Just let it go. She's ended it and asked for space.

I’ve never said I am a journalist. I have not wrote a list of things she did wrong either. I wrote a list of where I went wrong and where we went wrong, although this was a short list.

I agree and it’s not that it was an issue but it was a bit samey, but she never said anything and was always happy and acting how she normally did. I’ve had girlfriends before, you can see signs when things are wrong. There were none.

Of course she doesn’t, but don’t you think it’s a bit odd to be so supportive and normal the whole time then just end it out of the blue? Usually you see things coming, you’re arguing all those things.

The gambling was a bit shock to her but I am proud of how I have reacted and made changes and she’s pleased too, as well as her family and friends.

I have given her the space she wants and will continue to do so even past Thursday and beyond. Her happiness and the most important thing, with or without me.

Exactly this. Good post,@Watchkeys. OP, you sound as if you don’t have much insight into what it was like for her being in a relationship with you, and why she might want space and decide not to have you back. Your life, gambling etc are not compulsory for her as they are for you — they’re optional. She may decide they’re options she doesn’t want in her life, regardless of whether she loves you. I’ve chosen not to pursue relationships with people I’ve loved for good reasons. Love isn’t ’all you need’.

in terms of what it was like being in a relationship with me, prior to the last rough few months, I was a good boyfriend. Reliable, consistent, helpful, cooked, cleaned whenever needed and I could, I would often stay home for her to wait on deliveries or work men as there had been quite a bit of work on the place, she has a back issue so I’d always massage whenever she needed it, attended all family events and saw her friends too. It was rare I missed things and only due to a clash in schedules. It’s not like I was gambling the whole time and my life was a mess. Far from it. If I was like that we wouldn’t have been dating. When we met I was in year 1 of a medical degree, she works in banking, which is a big difference but none of that mattered because she knew I was on a great path, knows I have drive and ambition.

I only know what she has told me, we didn’t have much fun recently, we want different things or to spend our time differently (which discussed we don’t). That’s all she has really said about why she ended it. I have asked her is there anything else you want to say she said no but I think she is holding back still, which I am unsure why.

After I gambled, I struggled for about a month before seeking help. I was still trying to do all the things I did above, but it was a struggle and I knew I had to change that. It was tough on her and me for sure. If I could turn back time I would but I cannot. I must keep looking forward and continue what I am doing.

I agree you need more than love and I think what has happened has probably scared her and thought I don’t want a future like that. I don’t blame her. I don’t either.

I’ve never said I am a journalist

You did. Here's your quote:

The breakup spurred me into action. I started journalism

the gambling is not her issue to face or deal with, it’s mine

It's your issue but it will affect her too. You need to understand that

Apologises I didn’t see that

100% do and I don’t want to affect her or anyone else I’m ever with again. I wouldn’t have got into a relationship if I thought this would happen. Naive maybe but a big lesson learnt now.

Given what I am now doing and haven’t done before this does feel different but I know I cannot let it slip or it will continue to affect me

It's good that you acknowledge that OP.

I guess in terms of her coming back, who knows. I'd message on Thursday personally

You say you arnt a problem gambler but In nYour post you say you gambled in March after a year and that led you to be suicidal. You obviously have a problem with it otherwise why would you be suicidal that you had gambled. Are you In denial ? Carry on working on recovery. The chance of relapse will always be there and your gf must know this. She may see this as a risk moving forward In the future. My father was a gambler and it was not a good childhood it was horrible for my mother and me something to consider.

I had been clean from gambling for 4 years, doing well, gambled last May then again in March. I am not naive to think that gambling isn’t an issue I need to work on daily. I took my eye off the ball, got complacent and didn’t understand the power of the addiction.

Thank you I will carry on. My best friends and family have told me they haven’t seen me make all of these changes or doing as well as I am now ever after gambling so that gives me a lot of confidence that I’m on the right track with dealing with this. She has also been very pleased, telling me it makes her so happy, she knew I could get through that difficult few months and these changes give her hope for the future. I am doing things I have never done before which is really helpful and I have medication for the first time too which is working. It’s all positive for me but I cannot stop.

Sorry to hear about your childhood and the affect it had on your childhood. I do not want to be that man. I want to be a husband who provides for his family, looks after his kids, provides a nice home and life and live gambling free. It’s all possible if I want it.