Will She Come Back?

[ba2407]

My girlfriend broke up with me on June 15th, completely unexpectedly. We had been together for 18 months, living together for 9. I'm 31, she's 32, I was her first boyfriend. Our relationship was great despite a rough last few months—we never argued and shared the same values and goals. We had discussed marriage, knew our wedding venue, and wanted kids. We enjoyed weekends away and a ski trip in February. Her family and friends liked me, and mine liked her. Her stepdad has even remained supportive and in contact at times since our breakup.

In March 2024, I gambled for the first time in a year, leaving me feeling suicidal for a week and depressed for a few months. This affected my mood and resulted in a lack of activities for us, as I was too embarrassed to let her pay for everything and was struggling myself where to turn to deal with these feelings i has never had before. I then reached out for help. However much I was struggling when I was around her things were better and I still did all I could despite struggling then to be a good boyfriend. I always treated her so well and we were a great team. I know she is the one.

She was supportive when I told her I gambled, and I started therapy and medication. She noticed improvements, but then ended things on June 15th, saying she couldn’t do it anymore, we hadn’t had fun recently, and maybe we needed space. This was a shock, as she had never mentioned any issues or concerns before and there was nothing wrong between us.

The breakup spurred me into action. I started journalism, running, going to the gym, and attending both weekly group and one-on-one therapy. By June 27th, my therapist noted significant progress, and I felt like a new person—confident, focused, motivated, determined, and clear-minded. I had finally found a formula that worked for me.

I texted her on July 2nd, she replied within 30 seconds, and we met for a walk that evening. I shared the changes I’d made, and she noticed how happy and different I was, saying these changes gave her hope for our future. I read her a list of where we went wrong and solutions, including planning our months together. She was very happy and told me these changes gave her hope. I acknowledged where I went wrong, showing her a list ive made of where I went wrong, we went wrong and solutions. She was very pleased with this and liked it. One of my soluations was to get together at the beginning of the month and plan our time together so we are doing stuff and having fun.

We held hands, kissed, told each other we missed and loved each other and agreed to start talking and meeting up again. We both told each other how special this way and we have never had anything like this before. That evening, she texted, saying it was nice to see me. We continued to text on July 3rd, exchanging emotional messages and reaffirming our love for each other.

On July 4th, I went to move my stuff out. She cried the whole 1hr 30 I was there, saying it felt wrong and that she missed living with me. She apologised for not addressing issues earlier and bottling them up . Despite the emotional turmoil, she made me dinner, despite me saying I don’t want to outstay my welcome and got me sweets for my 3-hour car journey after.

Before I left, she asked for three weeks of space. I haven’t spoken to her since then, and I miss her deeply. I’m confused about why she wanted space after agreeing to meet up again.

One concern is her friend who moved in with us in January. My ex admitted she had been comparing our relationship to her friend’s long-distance relationship. She also said she was not surprised we had broken up and told her to be careful going on a walk with me. This has made me wary of what her friend might be saying, despite us always getting on.

The three weeks of space end on Thursday, I have not contacted her and I plan to let her come to me.

I’m seeking advice on whether she’ll come back and how much the changes I’ve made will influence her decision.

Many thanks.

What we’re the effects to her of your gambling relapse? I.e, was she left to pay all the bills and cover you for food etc/taking your moods out her/being secretive?

Must admit doing this so early in makes you a walking red flag - and I’d expect her friends and family to also think this, that’s on you not them.

Ultimately, you have to change for you not her.

Thank you for your message. I was someone who was doing okay in life but still had some struggles and was unsure why, even tho I wasn't gambling. Going to the therapist was really amazing and really put things together. I also watched youtube videos about addiction and continue to do so.

Since the break up we've had 16 days space, 3 days contact then she asked for 3 weeks.

I am not a bad guy, I know I made a mistake, but I am proud of the way I have bounced back from it and won't do what I did before, get complacent.

There's a reason why addicts in recovery are told not to get into a relationship for at least a year. The end of a relationship can bring a relapse, or as you discovered, the highs bring complacency and your disease will start talking to you ("just one won't hurt it'll be different this time") and you'll fall for it.

I think for your own recovery you should decide to walk away from the relationship until you've got at least a year clean. Concentrate on yourself and your emotional sobriety. Maintain a friendship if she agrees but only if you can genuinely do that without just using it as a placeholder. (it may be more sensible to stop contact.)

I wish you all the best with your recovery.

Thank you for your message. No it did not effect her financially. She did not have pick up the bills or anything like that. It was just more how it left me feel and meant I had a lot less money for a period that meant we were unable to go and do fun activities, but all priority bills were always paid. I never took my ups or down out on her, we never argued or had any confrontations. We were a great team tbh.

Yes I agree its not a great look, but its how you bounce back right? Her family and friends do really like me because the guy they got to know is me, not someone whos gambling 24/7. I made a mistake and the changes are for me.

Thanks for your advice. When I gambled last summer, prior to that I had been clean for many many years and with her I knew how special she was so I didn't want to break it off or looking back didn't think I needed to take a year out of dating.

I do not plan on dating anyone new before at least the end of the year, but I am open to taking things slowly with her, as long as is on board. If not, I will wish her well.

Yes I agree its not a great look, but its how you bounce back right

There's something in your posts which suggest you're not fully respecting the difference between you're position and hers. For you, it's about how you bounce back, because this is your life, whether you like it or not. For her, it's about what she chooses to invite into her life, so it's more about what you did than how you recover yourself.

Also, the 'Oh, no, I'll never get complacent and gamble again, I've learnt my lesson!' is a form of complacency in itself. You've got it sorted, you know best, you've fixed it all, you've got the answers etc.

Your gambling changed your relationship. It's not a good look, and she, an intelligent woman who earns good money, sees you now, having worked through a period of depression, saying you've beaten it. You're bigger and better than it.

Was that not what you told her to start with? That gambling was behind you, and you'd never go there again?

Frankly, I don't think she will do. She'll find that the three weeks will be what she needs to extract herself from all the emotion and drama. When she looks back it'll be with hindsight and probably a sense of relief.

Perhaps I'm extrapolating because I don't care for gambling, but it really sounds like you're an addict of some sort and if I were a high flyer with ambition your personality isn't one I'd want to have to support..

That is a good point, thank you. What I told her about the gambling was it was an issue that I dealt with 6 years ago and things had been going well. I told her about the work I had done to help other addicts.

She is the woman of my dreams, so I really don't know why I gambled twice since Ive known her. Its like I have all I want so why now. But life and recovery isn't linear. How naive and silly was I thinking I had this under control. The therapist I have now has really opened my eyes to what went wrong in the last year.

It was very emotional on the Thursday, I was surprised to see her cry the whole time I was there. It made me cry at one point, it was very heavy on us both. So maybe we both needed the space and time. I know she missed me a lot when we had 16 days space.

I too am a high flyer with ambition and drive. Thats why she was attracted to me in the first place. We all make mistakes and boy have a made a big one and am I paying for it.

She is the woman of my dreams, so I really don't know why I gambled twice since Ive known her

Why would being in a relationship with the woman of your dreams have any effect on your gambling? Can you see how this would have a negative impact on her and the relationship? If you don't know why you gambled, then you can't say you won't gamble again.

You sound lovely, and like you've thought everything through a lot, and are starting to gain some degree of wisdom about your addiction. But I suspect she thought she'd found an ex addict who had all the wisdom he needed to never indulge again, and had a rude awakening when you blew a bunch of cash.

Does she know you're waiting for her to contact you? Just a thought? Could she be waiting for your call, and thinking you've bottled it?

If I were her I would go back.

You are responsible for yourself. It sounds like you have some rather heavy issues with co-dependency and that is something life is too short for.

I hope you find the happiness you are seeking.

wouldn't

I could see the impact it had when I was with her on myself and the last few months, but only real impact was on our inability to go out and enjoy ourselves. It was killing me inside I couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted to be. All bills were paid all that kind of stuff so no issue or stresses there. We got into a bit of a phase of just coming home watching netflix too.

I do know why I gambled and the therapist has helped sign a light on that. I was in a bit of a "dry drunk" phase is what they call it, hence me gambling for the second time.

I have thought everything through a lot. I've made a list of where I went wrong, we went wrong and solutions and shared some of these with her, she love it and was really pleased. One solution to get rid of the not had much fun recently was to sit down at the beginning of every month, plan our month our together and plan stuff in, have a weekend away every 3 months and plan our 2/3 holiday a year. We stopped communicating on key issues. You are spot on, I have gained so much wisdom about life, addiction and dating. It's been the best learning curve ever.

She asked for 3 weeks space, said to me I can reach out before if I need to, I said to her I will let her come to me. That is how it was left. I appreciate she needs time and space. It was very tough for her to end this. If she messages me and says I need more time, I will continue to respect that and carry on working on me. Or do you think I should message her by the weekend?

Thank you. I got diagnosed with ADD recently, which makes a lot of sense to some of the issues I have had and thoughts in the last few months.

I am not a bad guy, it was just all so new and confusing, I got things wrong but never treated her badly or shouted at her or anything I look back on with regret. She was my team mate I wanted forever.

Do you work?

Why did you start journalism? And how, college course or something?

What was said that made her pal think you could be dangerous on a walk with her?

How much money did you gamble and lose?

Or do you think I should message her by the weekend

How do you think she would feel if she was aware you were throwing this question out to a forum? You're coming across pretty naive. Don't you think she wants a man who confidently makes his own relationship decisions?

I am a Mental Health nursing student, but I do work whenever I can.

I started journaling as it helps me express and write my thoughts and feelings down.

I don't know. I am not a dangerous person. I got on really well with her friend. 6 weeks before the break up I told her what had gone on, she was very supportive and said me and her are great together.

I lost roughly 1500

Maybe its my ADD that is causing me to overthink it. I should let her come to me

Honestly, my BF of a similar amount of time has past addiction issues. He’d been free of one addiction for several years when we met and was at the tail end of recovering from something else over the course of a year.

For me his addictions are interesting stories that give insight into his MH issues and whilst I’m aware that he could relapse at any point, it’s more theoretical at the moment so I’m able to put it to one side.

If he were to relapse as you’ve done, it would be a huge wake up to me, proof in real life that our relationship is not so special that it can be the thing that keeps him safe. I’m not a better partner than his previous ones, and his disagreements with me are 100% just as likely to cause him to spiral. This isn’t a totally different situation because he’s sober now, he’s had periods of sobriety before.

Fortunately he’s not so deluded as to think it could never happen again. He’ll say that he is 99% sure he won’t go back, that this is the longest he’s ever gone without, but he realises he’s a fallible human and that he needs to keep his guard up. That’s the most worrying part for me of your story - you seem convinced that it won’t happen again. She will be convinced that it will. Maybe try being a bit more humble and accept that you can’t make empty promises about the future, all you can do is try your absolute best, be 100% transparent if you’re feeling even tempted, and be accountable for your actions past and future. I’d also suggest you take marriage off the table as she should not be putting her financial lot in with a gambler. Ever.

To Speak very plainly OP, you scared the f*ck out of her! 18 months is not a long time to know someone fully. She would have had no idea what a relapse would be like. It would have completely blindsided her. The future you talked about would have all of a sudden looked very different. You say you were…

suicidal for a week and depressed for a few months

This is why she left. Gambling problem aside, this would be have been so terrifying for her. I’m sure it was terrifying for you too. To be in love with someone and watch them go through something like this, knowing you’re powerless to help them. She probably felt she had no choice but to leave.

She knows that if she decides to stay with you then she has to face the possibility that you might relapse again. No matter, the change in you, the progress you have made, how much to try to reassure her. She has to think about whether she wants to commit to helping through it should the unimaginable happen. She can walk away now with a broken heart. When you have children together, she would either have to stick it out or walk away with a broken family.

You are clearly doing everything you can to heal and mend. Which is great and you should be proud of yourself. Truly. But I’m sure you can understand why she might be wary of the speed of your recovery. She is probably worried you are just telling her what she wants her to hear.

I don’t think things are over between you, but they are still a long way from being ‘fixed’.

You are both doing the right things; taking it slow it slow, giving each other space.

Her friend is just being a good friend, making sure she decides with her head and not her heart. Should you get back together you should encourage that friendship.

Thanks for sharing your story and giving feed back.

Whilst I am aware I could gamble again, it is not something I want to do and plan on never doing again. You're right, I must keep my guard up and continue to do what I am doing now. The gambling never effected her financially but of course its something big for her to consider.

She said the changes I've made give her hope for the future and shes right, it gives me hope too. But I know if I take my eye off the ball, that hope can fade into darkness again.

I think you've hit then nail on the head. It scared her and really scared me too. It was horrible and not a life I wanted to carry on living. Feeling suicidal was a very new and awful experience.

She has not mentioned the gambling once, her reasons were not had much fun recently and different stages in our life, which was discussed we weren't she just thought we were. I asked her both times we met up is there anything you are holding in and haven't said, both times she said no I have said it all. However I still do think she is holding back, maybe out of fear of hurting me? She can tell me anything and thats how we learn and move forward.

Thank you, I am proud of myself. I think the speed comes from prior years of doing different things but not all at once, then doing them together finally has been great. But its not a flash in the pan, there are here to stay. Most importantly I am enjoing the changes, there aren't a chore, for example, I have been running 20km a week and love it.

I would like to think so too, we have such a great foundation and rapport between us. She told me thats what makes this so hard, there is nothing wrong with us.

We both have made mistakes, although I have done most of the damage. I accept that, am fronting up to it and will do whatever I have to do to keep me sober and feeling good.

When I saw her for a walk, her friend was back and the flat too. On wednesday I text her saying how nice it was to see her friend and she replied with a love heart. Her friends and family are great, especially her family. Its been painful not being able to speak to them and missing events that we had planned.

Noone can say for sure OP but I very much believe people can change and grow for the best. Keep doing the good work for you first and foremost and hopefully she will see that you are committed to change.

I agree, I am not a problem gambler, I had a blip. Recovery isn't linear.

Anyone in recovery from something, that something is a problem. Pretty much by definition. I worked in treatment and people referring to relapses as 'blips' or 'slips' or 'mistakes' were in denial.

Great that you're working on yourself. But in her 30s she doesn't have time to wait and see if it will stick. Leave her be, focus on your own stuff, the next relationship will be better.

I do not plan on dating anyone new before at least the end of the year

OP do you have difficulties in being single and not in a relationship? Are you one of those people who cannot function outside of a relationship?