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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Made a mistake

77 replies

madeamessnowwhat · 22/07/2024 04:00

Name change for this.

A few weeks ago I was a victim of domestic violence. I have been married for over 15 years and this was the first time I have ever seen experienced this but it has shocked me.

He was drunk (that’s not an excuse but I’m just explaining the scenario) my screams woke my children up. He was arrested and I needed hospital treatment

Call me weak but I didn’t press charges because it was a one off, family pressure. He was remorseful and we said we would try to work on our relationship.

We had already booked a family vacation and decided to go on holiday and use the holiday as bonding time. We arrived in Dubai two days ago and he has started drinking heavily (all inclusive) and it’s making me nervous. This is causing me a great deal of anxiety and I can tell my kids are picking up on it.

I’m not sure how I’m going to manage here for the rest of the week. I know I have been stupid, so please don’t tell me that as I know that already. I just need some advice as to how to handle this situation.

OP posts:

cupcaske123 · 22/07/2024 04:12

You have to be careful in Dubai, you certainly won't get any help from the police.

If you have access to money then see if you can book another hotel room for you and the children. Any chance you can book an early flight home? Can your family/friend lend you money if you don't have access?

OP I doubt the attack came out of nowhere, I have no doubt your husband is abusive, he just hasn't been violent before.

You can't keep your children in an abusive house, you've got no idea if he'll attack you again and to witness that is traumatising.

There will be a police report and record of the attack on your files from the hospital should you need evidence.

When you get home contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get some advice. I would see a family law solicitor as soon as possible and start working on how to separate as safely as you can.

ToofHurty · 22/07/2024 04:16

Is booking a flight home something you could afford and would consider? Do you have family and friends that know about the assault?

Is he drinking all day or just of an evening… If you’re not able or willing to leave can you arrange some stuff like a day at the water park, dune buggies etc that don’t involve drinking, just to get through the week.

How old are the children?

Original poster

madeamessnowwhat · 22/07/2024 05:09

Thank you both. The children are 8 and 11

I am seriously considering returning home earlier but I think it's going to be hard to convince the kids to come back with me.

My family don't know about the assault. I have avoided meeting them indoors so I have been able to keep my sunglasses on and covered the other bruises with my hair and make up

OP posts:

cupcaske123 · 22/07/2024 05:17

Sounds awful OP I'm sorry this happened to you. Book the flights back - you cannot risk an incident in Dubai. Just tell the children you're not well, make up an excuse and get home. They'll get over it.

Tell your family what happened, abuse thrives in secrecy and if your in laws are pressuring you to stay ie putting your life at risk, they don't have your best interests at heart so block them.

StrawberryWater · 22/07/2024 05:22

It's not too late to press charges.

Come home if you can afford it.

Also whoever is pressuring you not to press charges block them. They don't have your best interests at heart.

Original poster

madeamessnowwhat · 22/07/2024 05:22

In laws live with us. Going back would mean I would be leaving him here to go back home to them.

Life is so complicated and I really can't believe I'm in this mess. I thought he would use the time away from home to try to make things better, but I totally misjudged that.

I will try to suggest a day out today to avoid the drinking all day scenario

OP posts:

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 22/07/2024 05:54

I'm so sorry you're in this position, I hope you find your way out of this.

If anything bad happens while you're still away, please call your consulate first. Having lived in the UAE I would be wary of speaking to the police or hotel staff without advice and support.

BlastedPimples · 22/07/2024 06:14

What an awful situation, op. I'm sorry. He sounds vile and you feel utterly stuck.

How many days left of your holiday? I too would seek to leave early with the dcs. If at all possible.

He really hurt you and you had to hide the bruises from your in laws. Did they not hear your screams too? They must be aware of what is going on.

This kind of thing only gets worse. Please make plans to leave him. Don't tell him. Please make sure you and your dcs are safe when you get home.

And I would then press charges.

I hope you find a way out. It takes a lot when you're already feeling so worn down and scared and anxious.

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/07/2024 06:40

Right so he's been a disgusting piece of crap and still not learned from it?

You've been gracious enough to spare him the indignity of being dragged through the courts and a sentence and he still continues to learn absolutely no lessons from it ?

There are no words.

For the sake of your children if nothing else, it's time to make a difficult choice.

We get what we put up with. Don't put up with this.

Original poster

madeamessnowwhat · 22/07/2024 08:49

I've had to hide the bruises from my family - not his.

His family are aware of what happened and have said he's made a mistake and should be forgiven as he's never done this before

OP posts:

sunshinesummer24 · 22/07/2024 08:55

madeamessnowwhat · 22/07/2024 08:49

I've had to hide the bruises from my family - not his.

His family are aware of what happened and have said he's made a mistake and should be forgiven as he's never done this before

Wow soo his family are ok with this? I mean he's physically attacked you and you've had to have hospital treatment for it? Your family would be extremely angry if you told them! And rightly so. It's really crap that you feel anxious about him drinking when on holiday when your meant to be able to chill and relax, the thing is if your anxious about this now because of what he did previously then you will always be like this. Maybe go back home and have a think about it all this, because he will most likely do it again 😔

BrendaSmall · 22/07/2024 08:56

As he’s not learnt his lesson and continues to drink, I’d be pressing charges

Hopefully you’ll be able to get out and about for a few days to get him away from the bar.

Has he got a tendency to drink a lot regularly?

GreyCarpet · 22/07/2024 08:58

You need to tell your family. You need to tell people who care about you over him and who will advocate for you over him.

His parents are on his side. You need people on yours

AdultChildQuestion · 22/07/2024 09:01

GreyCarpet · 22/07/2024 08:58

You need to tell your family. You need to tell people who care about you over him and who will advocate for you over him.

His parents are on his side. You need people on yours

^ This. Who owns the house you live in?

Lestat · 22/07/2024 09:02

I agree with all the pp, please tell your family and put yourself first!

sunshinesummer24 · 22/07/2024 09:02

GreyCarpet · 22/07/2024 08:58

You need to tell your family. You need to tell people who care about you over him and who will advocate for you over him.

His parents are on his side. You need people on yours

This! 100%

BlastedPimples · 22/07/2024 09:08

His family are cool with domestic violence. Urgh. What vile people. They brought him up so little wonder he's like this.

Op, would your family support you? Friends?

I hope you reach out. You may well find an amazing network of help to get you and your dcs to safety.

It never gets better. It only gets worse.

TheShellBeach · 22/07/2024 09:09

How dreadful that his parents know about this and think you should forgive him.

Didn't they intervene when their son was beating you up?

I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. My ex was very violent and it took me ages to finally leave him.

Is your husband regularly verbally abusive? Does he punch walls etc? Throw things?
It's terrifying.

FloydPink · 22/07/2024 09:42

for me it’s the fact he has carried on drinking almost oblivious to things that worry me.

if I was him, and it genuinely was a one off I would be always looking to reassure, change behaviour and really demonstrate remorse and care.

will you be leaving on return?

TheHuntSyndicate · 22/07/2024 10:17

The in-laws want you and him to stay together because if you split up they know they may have to find a place to live!

That's why they will always support him! They may even lie and cover for him if you get hurt or worse again.

I'd feign some kind of stomach illness that means you need to go home urgently to get checked out as you don't want to get checked out in Dubai.

Flee to the arms of your family and they will help you and support you extricate yourself from this relationship.

BouquetGarni224 · 22/07/2024 10:51

madeamessnowwhat · 22/07/2024 08:49

I've had to hide the bruises from my family - not his.

His family are aware of what happened and have said he's made a mistake and should be forgiven as he's never done this before

Well, they're going to have his interests and reputation (and by proxy, their interests & reputation) at heart.

Not yours.

As for it being the first time, I think it's fair to say once is enough for some things.

And he's not even stopped the drinking that was a factor.

BouquetGarni224 · 22/07/2024 10:56

The in-laws want you and him to stay together because if you split up they know they may have to find a place to live!

That's another factor!

I'm sure his home - with 50% of his assets gone and child maintenance to pay, will be decidedly less commodious than your current one.

BouquetGarni224 · 22/07/2024 11:01

Didn't they intervene when their son was beating you up?

Yeah, this too.

If they live with you, how come he managed to leave you with such injuries before people interceded?

Were they out ... What a coincidence that he chose a time when they were away or out to batter you.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/07/2024 11:14

I think you should tell the DC the truth, that you are worried about your safety and theirs. Of course they won't want to leave the holiday, but they already know there's something wrong, they heard you screaming, and they will be aware of his drinking and consequent volatility. They will better if you are honest about it rather than trying to pretend it's all OK.
I think if he was prepared to assault you to the extent that you were hospitalised, in a house where his children were woken by your screaming and where he knew his parents were listening but failing to intervene, he is a very dangerous person. If the attack was drink-fuelled, that makes the chances of it happening again more likely. As many posters have said, Dubai is not the police to expect police protection , so do what you can to get back to the UK, and then tell your family what has happened and ask them for support.
Of course the in-laws are going to be on his side, they stand to lose a comfortable set up if your marriage ends.
Is your home owned by H or by the in-laws?

Thelittleweasel · 22/07/2024 11:19

In the UK it is not up to anyone involved to "press charges". The CPS decides what to do

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