Made a mistake

[madeamessnowwhat]

Name change for this.

A few weeks ago I was a victim of domestic violence. I have been married for over 15 years and this was the first time I have ever seen experienced this but it has shocked me.

He was drunk (that’s not an excuse but I’m just explaining the scenario) my screams woke my children up. He was arrested and I needed hospital treatment

Call me weak but I didn’t press charges because it was a one off, family pressure. He was remorseful and we said we would try to work on our relationship.

We had already booked a family vacation and decided to go on holiday and use the holiday as bonding time. We arrived in Dubai two days ago and he has started drinking heavily (all inclusive) and it’s making me nervous. This is causing me a great deal of anxiety and I can tell my kids are picking up on it.

I’m not sure how I’m going to manage here for the rest of the week. I know I have been stupid, so please don’t tell me that as I know that already. I just need some advice as to how to handle this situation.

Police don't need you to 'press charges' or even give a statement to charge him with assault. Unfortunately OP you're in a country that didn't back women against their husbands. You are going to have to essentially pacify him until you get home to keep safe. As soon as you are back please follow this up with police , an assault that requires hospital treatment is very serious

So if your mother in law was beaten in the street by a complete stranger, would she just brush it off if the guy hadn't done it before? What about if it was someone she knew - a next door neighbour? Would she carry on being nice to him?

Are there cultural reasons why your in laws live with you, OP?

Did your in laws show any sympathy or try to protect you, or was their focus on their son?

I was just about to say that.

Are there cultural reasons why your in laws live with you, OP

I was also wondering that.

His family are aware of what happened and have said he's made a mistake and should be forgiven as he's never done this before

Would they subscribe to that if a stranger had battered you (or one of them) in the street?

No wonder you're on edge, around someone who seriously assaulted you, who's drinking again. You'd have to have every instinct of self preservation lobotomised not to be.

Neither of his parents are having to live (or holiday) like that, are they. They're very happy to encourage you to, however. Very selfish, lacking empathy and irresponsible.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Confidential advice and support

Apologies if I'm being naive, but if the holiday was supposed to rebuild your realtionship, how would he respond to being told the drinking is making you uncomfortable?

If I was you I would try and get back home if you can. Do you have family you could stay with while legalities are sorted out?
If he breaks the strict Dubai alcohol laws he will bloody well know about it!!

Yes, that's what I wondered. If he wants to have a chance of being forgiven, he needs to be breaking his neck to show you he's trying as hard as he can to make things as easy for you as he can.

The fact that he's drinking again, and the fact that you're calling yourself stupid paint a clear picture.

This isn't your fault, so don't criticise yourself in any way. He's not taking responsibility fully for what he's done to you, or doing everything he can to put you at ease. You need to be responsible for yourself, now, and your children, and flatly refuse to be in any situations that make you feel unsafe. Tell him when he's sober, and in a public place, that you're not comfortable with him drinking. If his response doesn't immediately reassure you, the relationship is over. I suspect it is already, though. I couldn't be with a man who had been violent, if he'd been raised by a 'let him off the hook' family. He's not been raised to know how wrong it is, what he's done.

Is his father also violent?

I'm just staggered that his parents are telling you to forgive a man who put you in hospital.

Have they got a DD?
I bet they wouldn't be so quick to forgive a man who beat her up.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this.

It might not be as straightforward as upping and leaving with kids - what if he reports you for abducting children? I just think that given that you are in Dubai you need to be very careful as the law will absolutely favour your H.

Can you speak to Women’s Aid to get advice on navigating the holiday and advice on what happens next when you get home?

Can you also tell a family member or friend at home and enlist their support for when you return?

OP, if he put you in hospital the first time he attacked you, imagine how much worse it will be next time, and alas, there will be a next time, because there always is. You need to make plans to get out - whatever his parents think, you need to be safe for yourself and your children, and you are not safe with this man.

I know a man who had am overly aggressive altercation (with a man) in the pub and stopped drinking next day. I think that's what he would have done, if he was really sorry and intended for it to never be repeated.

Dubai is not a place to be rocking the boat as a woman with children though. Sadly I think you have to make it through the holiday and deal with this when you get back.

Thank you all for your support. I'm going to answer some of the questions here.

I spoke to him this morning and said about having some days out this week. We have booked some tickets through the hotel as I wanted to be sure it would definitely happen and get us out of the hotel.

Yes, this is a cultural thing too. My in laws were home when he flipped, but were upstairs. They only came down when my boys started shouting after hearing my screams. I had already called the police by the time the in laws came down and I know that they wouldn't have let me make the call if they had come down earlier.

I am scared and will speak to the police after I get back on Friday, but in the meantime can someone please say if I don't press charges, can the police still get the CPS to charge him? And most importantly would I need to go to court or can they use my 999 call and my statement from the night to prosecute him without me giving evidence in court against him?

I want him to be charged but I'm scared of going to court and facing him in court

I'd say a condition of the relationship ship from now on is for him to give up drinking. It's now a trigger for you.

He hurt you while drunk, and you went to avoid all chance it will happen again. It seems like a fair compromise for him to prove he's sorry and that you're worth the effort.

If he does kick off at you over there, women have basically no rights, you'll likely be arrested on some trumped up nonsense charge if the police are involved. DV I think is basically legal in Dubai.
Your husband is scum and what he did is utterly unforgivable. He brutally beat his wife to the point she needed hospital treatment? And his family are fine with it.
Rent a separate room and stay away from him as much as possible. Take the kids out for the day.

You are not safe staying with him. Once you return, Please take the kids to your parents, or a mates place. Tell the police and speak to women's aid.
He will do it again and you know it. That's why your instincts are telling you to get the hell out of there.

Op can you stay with your family when you get home?

It is up to CPS whether there is enough evidence to prosecute - documented injuries, your 999 call, your statement from the night. You need support from Women’s Aid. Children’s Social Care will tell you that you are putting your children at risk and could put them on at at risk list but in my experience they won’t offer you any practical support to leave, anywhere to live etc. Therefore you need to contact a domestic abuse charity in secret because you and the children are most at risk when leaving.

IME most UK police forces have a zero tolerance to domestic violence, so they will press charges whether you want them to or not. If it's safe for you to do so try googling your local force and see if that's the case.

Contact Women's Aid - they hide their site so it won't show up on your search history - ask them for help when you're back in the UK.

Stay safe OP and good luck x

Surprised nobody has said it but have you not have any contact from social services?
Because there were children in the home the police will automatically inform them. They will then do an assessment on their safety. If you are choosing to stay with an abusive man and his family that condone it your children may be at risk.
Their school will also be informed.
You really need to think about what your children heard/saw and get out of there. That is not safe for your children physically or emotionally. Its abuse.

Should you contact the police when you return then you will be referred to the local victims support unit near you which will help you in your decision about attending court.

Can you tell us a little about the injuries you sustained when he assaulted you? Did you seek medical assistance? It seems he gave you a black eye, what else did he do?

Also, what is putting you off reporting him to the police? Are you scared of the court process - in which case Victim Support will help as I said earlier.

Or, are you scared of what his response and/or that of his family will do? Again, Victim Support can assist.

Are you from the same cultural background as your husband. Are you willing to share that with us, as there may be organisations out there which can specifically help ladies from your cultural background who are in your situation.

OP charging decisions are the remit of the CPS.

The police will ask the CPS for a charging decision.

Do get support from Women's Aid. They will help you and advise you as you go through the process of leaving your husband.

Your children need to feel safe - as do you - and none of you are safe now.

In a house where there is a violent domestic abuser, aided emotionally by his parents, you are in great danger. Do not underestimate this. I am not trying to frighten you, but these men always escalate their abuse.

There must have been previous incidents of aggression - I do not believe that this assault was the very first instance where you felt threatened and in danger.

Alcohol fuels a lot of DV. It is not an excuse, although a lot of violent men often use it as such.

I am utterly horrified that your parents-in-law did not come to your aid during an assault in which you had to go to hospital, and felt so afraid that you called the police.

You are not safe, OP. Wait until you get back from Dubai, then set things in motion.

Do you have somewhere you can go with the children when you get back to the UK? Can your parents meet you at the airport and take you straight from there? I am concerned that it is not safe for you in your marital home, because you are being abused by your husband and his parents. Is there a cultural dynamic in play (meaning non-western ideas about women, marriage and honour).

Can you say which culture you are all from, OP?