Made a mistake

[madeamessnowwhat]

Name change for this.

A few weeks ago I was a victim of domestic violence. I have been married for over 15 years and this was the first time I have ever seen experienced this but it has shocked me.

He was drunk (that’s not an excuse but I’m just explaining the scenario) my screams woke my children up. He was arrested and I needed hospital treatment

Call me weak but I didn’t press charges because it was a one off, family pressure. He was remorseful and we said we would try to work on our relationship.

We had already booked a family vacation and decided to go on holiday and use the holiday as bonding time. We arrived in Dubai two days ago and he has started drinking heavily (all inclusive) and it’s making me nervous. This is causing me a great deal of anxiety and I can tell my kids are picking up on it.

I’m not sure how I’m going to manage here for the rest of the week. I know I have been stupid, so please don’t tell me that as I know that already. I just need some advice as to how to handle this situation.

Call me weak but I didn’t press charges because it was a one off,

The CPS make decisions on whether or not to prosecute. It’s not up to you to press charges. What have the police said?

I’ve been in your position ( apart from being in Dubai) but did have problems with drunk abusive husband on two other foreign holidays.
Break this down into steps. Don’t look into the future for now.
Concentrate on staying safe in Dubai, it’s a difficult country especially for women.
You’ve done the right thing getting him out, do child centred activities if possible, go where there are families.
Are you all in one room? Hopefully this would make you a little safer but you can’t count on anything with a drunk. Keep your phone on you and charged, call reception if you need him removed and let their security do it. You’ll have to pay for another room.
Alternatively phone a family member and stage a catastrophe — someone has died you must return home then get the kids to the airport but this is your very last resort as you don’t want to be stopped.
Once you are home speak to Women’s Aid. Speak to the police and ask if it was logged as an assault. Were your injuries photographed ?

Then you need a get out plan. I’m sorry, this won’t get any better unless he goes teetotal and gets anger management help. And goes to AA.
Stay safe, it’s so scary when they get violent and drunk.

I’m so grateful for all the messages of support. Thank you to all of you who have taken time to reply to my post.

Here are some more answers to the questions asked

We are both from a Muslim background.

The police who attended on the night of the attack took photos and waited with me to be seen in A&E. I gave a statement outside the property so my in laws could not hear what I said. He does have a problem with alcohol but it’s never led to violence towards me or the children. He is saying he has no recollection of the incident and has said he’s remorseful. But my main concern is that he’s still drinking and I don’t know how to make him see how much anxiety it’s causing me. It’s like he doesn’t get it.

I need to confirm this with the police, but I was under the impression that I would have to support the police (give evidence) investigation to get a conviction.

I had a number of bruises - one black eye, bruises to my head, scratches on my arms and some bruising across my chest and back. The assault is a blur, but I am shorter than him and I remember trying to protect myself by bending over so he probably couldn’t see what he was hitting and just hitting out.

Writing it out has brought it all back. I was so scared and in shock. I couldn’t believe what was happening as this has never happened before.

I did contact the school to inform them and have had contact from social services, but when they came out to visit me and after interviewing me and the kids they didn’t believe the children were at risk as this was a one off. They have closed their investigation.

It’s only the police investigation that is still ongoing.

Make sure you have your and kids' passports to hand

But my main concern is that he’s still drinking and I don’t know how to make him see how much anxiety it’s causing me. It’s like he doesn’t get it

Yup. Still disregarding/dismissing your feelings. Jeez. Sending you supportive thoughts until you can get free of him.

Contact Women’s Aid asap. You are not safe with him, and you need to protect yourself and your children.

The sheer immensity of what this all means for your future is both exhausting and daunting to contemplate but you must try hard not to give up on securing your own (and your children’s) safety and sanity.

He should definitely be prosecuted.

If the investigation is ongoing then he will be on bail with conditions not to contact you. How did he end up back at home?

Police can put a case to the CPS without the victim’s evidence, but only if there is other evidence to support it. What I always tell people, is if it goes to court and he says he didn’t do it, without you there how can the police show that he did? What other evidence is there to convince the jury of their guilt?

in this case you had injuries which are evidence that something happened. He can of course stand up in court and say that he didn’t cause them. You would not be there to say that he did. Can the jury be sure that he did without your evidence?

If you do want the CPS to consider it as an evidence-led prosecution (i.e. victimless) then you would need to tell police that you are too frightened to give evidence. Otherwise the CPS will not look at it.

Best of luck and take care.

Thank you for the detailed reply.

The title of my post is made a mistake. That is because I withdrew my statement before the holiday and he's still not been back home, but is free to come home after this week.

Now I'm thinking/hoping the police can take this on themselves and prosecute him anyway but I wasn't sure if that was possible.

I have mentioned the whole drinking thing to him this morning and said it is inconsiderate of him to keep drinking after he claims it was the drink that caused him to be so violent. We are going out today so hopefully that will break the drink routine and the kids are excited to spend the day out of the hotel as I'm sure they can sense my stress levels.

I will be getting in touch with women's aid and the police when I get back.

It's illegal for Muslims to drink in Dubai, not that it doesn't happen the law is there but is hardly used. If he's drinking, I suggest you get him arrested in Dubai, hop on a flight back home and report to your in-laws. Send them out there to help him out and live your life while he languishes in the judicial 'system'

Having worked in a foreign consulate in Dubai I'm going to say do NOT follow this advice or involve the police in any way, please.

What was the trigger for the assault? Long term you should leave him of course bur you're in a vulnerable position right now ,so I'd make sure not to upset him

@madeamessnowwhat

Please have a look at this website, it's an organisation which helps Muslim women in the UK. There is support out there.

If you feel able can you tell us where in the UK you live as there may be local organisations which can help. In any case the police should be able to help you with that too.

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/page.php?id=105#home

Just be aware that the fact you have gone on holiday with him is potentially undermining to the case.

So an evidence-led prosecution might fail as he could say something along the lines of “if I had done that to her, why would she come on holiday with me x amount of weeks later, when there were bail conditions in place to protect her?”

And you won’t be in court to explain why you did.

He is saying he has no recollection of the incident

What convenient amnesia.

He is saying he has no recollection of the incident and has said he’s remorseful. But my main concern is that he’s still drinking ..

So he has both;

Suffered a bout of amnesia while drinking

And

During that bout of amnesia, seriously injured his wife and terrified his children, and ended up with the police at his home ..... But that hasn't motivated him to stop drinking ??.

He's ok'd with himself to continue drinking??????

Hmm.

But op could pass that info. on to a representative....

That both he and his parents heavily pressured her to continue as normal with him....

and she also didn't want to deprive her kids of their long awaited family holiday....

And she thought he was remorseful and would stop drinking til she saw his behaviour on holiday etc etc

I will be getting in touch with women's aid and the police when I get back.

Good for you op.

It sounds like, totally aside from the violence, you've been dealing with an alcoholic for a while.

That's no life for anyone, let alone a woman with kids.

(Oh and alcoholics can hold down jobs, I know several who have/do) ... Just in case "I'm not an alcoholic, I hold down a job and provide" is rolled out.

You can hold down a job and still be an alcoholic.

And just another vote to keep things under wraps too you get out of the ME.

I can think of few worse places to go on holiday in your position.

That would be hearsay evidence and would need a special court hearing to determine if it can be admitted as evidence. The likelihood is that it would not be allowed.

I have questioned myself about why I chose to come away with him and realise that by coming away with him I have not helped myself if I decide to press charges.

I chose to do this mainly because I wanted me and my children to get away from the house. This was already booked months ago and since the incident I have been suffering from flashbacks and being in the house just kept bringing it all back. I know that sounds silly, but I thought being away and out of that environment might help me to get over this but when he started to drink, the fear I felt is hard to describe.

The kids were also looking forward to going away. My younger one has kept a small bag packed since the Easter holidays. I didn't want them to feel disappointed but I know that might sound stupid now that I'm saying I've made a mistake coming out here as I could have avoided this scenario

God MN and their opinions.

It is not about if you hypothetically would or wouldn't be successful in a court room.
Unless someone has reviewed your full allegation/ casefile there completely ill-equipped to provide you legal advice.

Domestic Abuse is highly complex and lot of people stay, go back, go away with their perpetrator.
It doesn't mean you're not a victim. In fact, trying to keep the peace and feelings guilty is typical victimology.
Reporting someone isn't an easy feat. But you deserve to be safe, as do your children.First and foremost, reporting someone is to safeguard you and your children.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a long road ahead. But a worthwhile one for your safety.

*they're

And btw... yes, the CPS could consider victimless prosecution.

Be kind to yourself OP. It's difficult. You will be home soon. Just get through the next few days as it will be easier when back in the UK.

Oh lovely, hopefully your holiday is coming to an end soon. Can you and the children go stay with your parents when you get back? You could pass it off as an adventure to the kids. You need some breathing space.
I just want to make a little point about the children, a lot of victims of dv stay because they say the dc will be devastated, love their dad etc. Children do not like change, the consequences of you staying with this man mean nothing to them, they cannot comprehend the danger. They learn to lie, cover up the violence and it isn't always out of fear of their father, it's the fear of the unknown and let's be honest, they copy the example set by mum and dad.
Once a man lays his hand on you, nevermind beats you, it's game over. It unlocks something and he will do it again. There's generally no consequences for domestic violence is there? Exhibit A in your case is the fact that he isn't even mortified enough about what he did to you to stop drinking. Despite blaming it for beating you.
If you go home, where his parents are you will be pressured to sweep this under the rug until next time, rinse and repeat.
Think about staying with family with the kids to clear your head.