Is this love bombing?

[Namechangefortimebeing]

I feel like I might have been love bombed and need opinions to help me realise what is going on.

so, in short, I separated from H a year ago and about four months ago an old flame hooked up with me on Instagram where he discovered I was single. He has long term gf but does not live with her.

started chatting fairly frequently and he kept asking to meet up to which I said no as not appropriate due to his situation. But the chats kept happening over the weeks until I agreed to meet him for a walk in the day for 45 mins. After that the nature of texts changed and started to become more flirty. I find him v attractive but did ask him to stop out of respect for his situation. He starts flattering me a lot, texting me all the time. I said to forget about me as he is emotionally invested in his gf and her kids (who he is majorly hands on with). However, ended up meeting up once more. Same context. We kissed very briefly. The texts continue very full on. This all happened over last three weeks. Lots of chemistry.

he has gone away with gf for her family business just for a few days. So texting has stopped. Last thing he told me was he’ll call when back and we’ll meet up B and that I should not stress. He says we need to spend more time together before he is comfortable binning off his relationship as so much harm will occur.

ive now had three days of peace, but I feel absolutely run over and drained. I like him loads and feel extremely attracted to him but I have not done any of the pursuing and I feel he’s wearing me down and I’m not sure what his intentions are. When I ask him he says he doesn’t know either and that things are complicated with his gf as she’s got issues and her kids rely on him for stability.

im so confused.

Is he a love bomber? No. He's a cheat.

Block and run.

Yiu are setting yourself for a massive fall here. He is just after a bit on the side and you are the one who will get hurt. Your boundaries are weak and whilst you may not have been pursuing, you haven’t exactly been batting him away with a baseball bat either.

If he has a long term girlfriend, you shouldn't be having any chats or meet ups with him in the first place.

Of course he's intense - he's using you for a jolly/escape from the mundanity of everyday life. It's likely very exciting for him to be sneaking about in this way - doesn't mean he cares about you a jot, though. Even if you were having sex, he likely would not leave her for you.

Have some respect for yourself. Block him.

I feel absolutely run over and drained

You either volunteer for more of this or you don't.

You've phrased it all as if he made moves and 'things happened'. As if you had no agency. As if you couldn't, at any point, have said to him 'You have a partner and child, and I don't want a man who could betray someone like this. Stay away from me.' But you could have said that, and you can say it now.

Whether you do or not will be the deciding factor in how much you get hurt by this relationship.

Run for the hills OP. Nevermind the love bombing, he's cheating on his girlfriend while he weighs up if a better option comes along. He clearly has no respect for her and her children so he won't treat you any better.

You are the OW
He is cheating on his girl friend.
Is that what you want out of life? To be with a cheater and know another woman's life is going to be devastated?

He is either a) just after a shag and or loves the excitement or attention, or b) possibly unhappy but wants to see if he has an option before calling it a day.

it’s very possible that he does like you but his current relationship is not so bad he would bin it unless there is a plan b.

if he left her now, for you, fair enough, but I can’t see this going anywhere positive for you.

What on earth are you doing OP? You are effectively the other woman. He is not the only one to blame here, you are facilitating his cheating. If you have any respect for yourself and a shred of compassion for his long term girlfriend then stop all contact and block.

You need to tell him to make a decision. If you want to be together that’s fine, these things happen but stringing you both along isn’t right.

You’re having an emotional affair with a lying cheat who is probably after a no strings shag so he’s wearing you down til you give in.

Is that what you really think you’re worth? And you’re happy to be complicit in possibly destroying another woman’s life. Find your self respect and block this sleazy creep.

Ok thank you MNers. I will use this time to build the resilience I need to put a stop to it.

I would have thought him being a cheat was more concerning that possibly love bombing you! He wants to spend more time with you to see if you’re worth dumping his gf for..? Charming!

Yeah I know. It’s so toxic.

There's two possibilities.

• if he's interested in you, but committed to his existing relationship, then you will only come second to that. In that case, you need to set boundaries. Cut him off, or state what you will see him for, when etc. but certainly not all-time texting as if he had nothing but you in his life.
• If his current relationship is not good (other than he's met you), then he should tell you what's going on. Would he separate if you weren't there? Does he get on with his gf? If there is trouble in his current relationship, he should let you know how he see the endgame - with dates and practicalities. There two, set your boundaries, with smart targets (specific, etc... and time-limited). If he can't do that then he's a cheat, as other people have said.

The way he is explaining it is that he has lots to unpick. He is not having sex with gf and that is causing arguments. He says she is emotionally dependent on him. He also says she is suspicious that he has someone else. I feel bad for her I really do. He needs to make a decision but when I told him that he said ‘what would you have done if I walked into your life four years ago and said pack up your bags we’re going?’. I didn’t point out to him that I have not actually said this to him. I agree he should not be pursuing another relationship whilst already in one and have expressed this. I know we are doing wrong and that there’s a high chance someone will get hurt and that it’s likely to be both me and her, which is awful.

Not just the grown ups that are going to get hurt though OP.

No its not lovebombing, not that it even exists.

Oh gone on OP, he’s trotting out the textbook lined from the sleazy cheats handbook - these men are never having sex with their partners are they?

My ex DH (of 18 years) told the OW he slept on the sofa, we were unhappy and only together for the kids. I thought we were happily married, we were having regular sex and his affair was a complete shock.

He will be lying to you and if you sleep with him he still probably won't leave his partner. Why would you want to be with someone who messages other women? You might not even be the only OW. Just block and forget about him.

I hope PPs have left you less confused and you will cut all contact with him, for your own self preservation as much as consideration for his wife.

He has essentially told you that he wants to take you for a test drive before deciding whether to trade in his existing relationship. But that is comparing you, the shiny new two seater with the comfy high mileage winnibago. Apples and oranges.

But he would be bringing an awful lot of his current relationship with him should he decide to be with you.

You would be better off finding someone who is already single and successfully managing any “baggage” from previous relationships.

And he is a cheating, selfish toe rag

Understood. But to be clear he’s not a stranger to me. I went out with him years ago for six months. and she’s not his wife. They are not his kids.

How is that relevant? You seem to be finding excuses for his cheating tbh

I love the way you absolve yourself of responsibility- ‘we’ keep chatting as though you have no part in that. IF and it is a big IF, this man is interested in more than a leg over, he’ll come to you when he’s finished with his gf.

Have a word with yourself- of course he contacted you when he found out you were single. Block him.

we might disagree on boundaries here but I do not see a gf as the same as a wife. Sorry. That will make me unpopular. But I just don’t.

The way he is explaining it is that he has lots to unpick. He is not having sex with gf and that is causing arguments. He says she is emotionally dependent on him. He also says she is suspicious that he has someone else

So why isn't he focusing on his relationship then, if he has so much to unpick there? Why is 'looking elsewhere' even on his radar?

What do you actually want, @Namechangefortimebeing ? You are asking if he is lovebombing you. What does it matter? If he was a decent bloke, he wouldn't be pursuing one woman whilst in a relationship with another. You've told him this and he's still doing it, and your concern is still about his mindset.

What about yours? What do you think you can stand to gain from this? Surely, if you win this game, the prize is an unfaithful, dishonest man who is comfortable to deceive his partner and try to wear down another woman into sex with him. Why is that the kind of man you find attractive? Look to yourself, before you make a big mistake.