Is this love bombing?

[Namechangefortimebeing]

I feel like I might have been love bombed and need opinions to help me realise what is going on.

so, in short, I separated from H a year ago and about four months ago an old flame hooked up with me on Instagram where he discovered I was single. He has long term gf but does not live with her.

started chatting fairly frequently and he kept asking to meet up to which I said no as not appropriate due to his situation. But the chats kept happening over the weeks until I agreed to meet him for a walk in the day for 45 mins. After that the nature of texts changed and started to become more flirty. I find him v attractive but did ask him to stop out of respect for his situation. He starts flattering me a lot, texting me all the time. I said to forget about me as he is emotionally invested in his gf and her kids (who he is majorly hands on with). However, ended up meeting up once more. Same context. We kissed very briefly. The texts continue very full on. This all happened over last three weeks. Lots of chemistry.

he has gone away with gf for her family business just for a few days. So texting has stopped. Last thing he told me was he’ll call when back and we’ll meet up B and that I should not stress. He says we need to spend more time together before he is comfortable binning off his relationship as so much harm will occur.

ive now had three days of peace, but I feel absolutely run over and drained. I like him loads and feel extremely attracted to him but I have not done any of the pursuing and I feel he’s wearing me down and I’m not sure what his intentions are. When I ask him he says he doesn’t know either and that things are complicated with his gf as she’s got issues and her kids rely on him for stability.

im so confused.

Stop meeting him. Stop texting with him. You know he's going out with someone else. You're not a victim here. You're complicit.

Your self esteem must be in the toilet if you’re settling for some scraps of affection from this lying scum bag who messes you and everyone else in his life around.

Seems like you enjoy the drama. There are lots of nice, unmatched men out there who are honest and normal. Find one.

The problem is that you might not see him as taken, but he does think that and so does his girlfriend. So do her children. Back away from him. Even if he dumped her now, you'd know he was capable of cheating and lying.

I bet you'd feel different about him being 'taken' if he was your long term partner and he'd been cheating, OP.

I think cheating is very complex, and I don't believe 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. I think given the right set of circumstances a whole lot more people than they'd like to admit would do it.

Doesn't make it any less grimy though, and you shouldn't have ever facilitated it just because she's not his wife. Even if you're thinking about it just from a selfish perspective... he's using you!
If it was a grand love story and he was soooo unhappy, he'd have left her for you - especially given that they don't live together, are not married, and they're not his kids.

He'd have been out of there like a shot. 'She's so emotionally dependent on me' is always a load of drivel. During tough periods of my life I HAVE been emotionally dependent on men. Guess what? Didn't stop them from dumping me like a hot stone. No one stays with another person purely out of the goodness of her heart, and if you believe him in that he's playing you like a fiddle!

Lots of assumptions... he doesn't live with her as I think i have said so no he's not moving into my house.

I don't want a husband so massive assumption there too - that I need that level of commitment from him when at the moment I'm seriously getting off at the thought of kissing him again.

When my ex cheated on me and left me, I didn't blame the woman. I blamed him - and me. Because she was not the problem. Taking her out of the equation would not have made us happy. We would still have had a shit relationship. If he's using me for sex, then if I don't provide it then he'll just go after someone else. So what difference do I make? If we end up falling in love, then it's meant to be - and this has not been in vain. Guilt tripping me personally on her behalf is just nonsense.

Further points that are going to make me even more unpopular than I already am:

> Too many people stay in relationships that are way past their sell-by date. Only because he's been with her for 10 years, it does not mean he should be with her for another ten.

> I don't think many men take up serial cheating as a lifestyle choice. Or at least I've never known one. Most men are too lazy to even maintain one relationship yet alone multiple ones and the men that do are so fucking obvious you have to be blind not to see what they are up to. I have never got myself involved with a serial cheater and I don't plan to now.

> Women who need their men rather than want them are always terrified of infidelity. The greater the reliance, the greater the fear. I don't need this guy, but I want him badly. Is it better for him to be in a relationship where he is needed (by her) or wanted (by me)? The healthier relationship stems from the latter.

> It takes courage to break off a long-term relationship. It is completely outlandish to think that someone can be in a long term relationship one day and then simply walk out the door without a backward look because they've got a better offer. Of course he's going to be thinking about it and taking his time. When my ex did it to me, I actually acknowledged that 'that's a brave thing to do'. Because it was. He took his time leaving and I understood why. It takes balls to make such a big move.

> When you are faced with a decision to believe someone or not believe them, it's best to just believe them, I think. I have no reason to think that he's not not sleeping with his gf. He told me that, and for now I believe him. He also said that 'he'll sort things' out. Again, I have to believe that to be true, until it's not. Otherwise I'm assuming a position of negativity and nothing good comes from that.

I guess there are different ways of looking at the world, fidelity etc. I don't know how much I care about his gf. I do, but I also don't. Or if he ends up cheating on me. I mean, anyone can cheat on anyone. I'm not thinking that far ahead.

So anyway, it's not love bombing, thank you for helping me sort out my original question. I guess i just wanted it all conveniently bundled into a 'thing' that would help me understand what I'm feeling right now. I wasn't here for a lecture about my virtues or lack of. Or how low my self esteem is (it's not). But I do accept that I am (was) wanting to position myself as the victim because it help exonerate me of the small bit of guilt I feel towards his gf and because also I'm secretly mad at him for leaving me for a week.

I know I deserve all the unhappiness I get. But please don't go too nuclear on this thread as MN will take it down and that'll mean that I've then written all this for nothing.

Sounds like you've got it all worked out, for someone who isn't sure if the guy is lovebombing or not.

If he's using me for sex, then if I don't provide it then he'll just go after someone else. So what difference do I make

This is astonishing. It's not about 'guilt tripping you on her behalf'. Where are your morals? You can choose to be part of something dishonest that will ruin someone's life, or you can choose not to. But you're so convinced that you've got it all sorted that no advice will help you. If you think a man like this is a good idea, you do have low self esteem. What you're saying is like 'I didn't go near the fire!' when you reek of smoke and your hair is singed. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

can't disagree with some of the things you say OP, however the fact you'd probably still be in cahoots with him right now if he hadn't tossed you aside for a week is really telling - whether you want to admit it or not.

The thought of being one of two women competing for a man's affection makes me feel sick, because I believe I deserve better. I honestly think you should too, as should every woman.

A good proportion of men also DO just cheat for a bit of fun as well - just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not happening. When I was in my early 20's I worked behind a bar. Accountants, labourers, long term unemployed, 20 years old, 50 years old, kids, no kids, even men whose partners I KNEW.. The number of men that would've cheated on their wives with me/other members of staff was absolutely staggering. The propositions were endless. Not because of some love story, but because they wanted a shag on the side.

I just don't know why, as a woman, you'd ever want to risk being that dirty little secret.

@Namechangefortimebeing

> It takes courage to break off a long-term relationship. It is completely outlandish to think that someone can be in a long term relationship one day and then simply walk out the door without a backward look because they've got a better offer. Of course he's going to be thinking about it and taking his time. When my ex did it to me, I actually acknowledged that 'that's a brave thing to do'. Because it was. He took his time leaving and I understood why. It takes balls to make such a big move.

It takes no courage or balls to leave a relationship when you're already cheating and have a new life to fall into. That's just making it all as safe and comfortable for yourself as possible while possibly blindsiding the other person. It's the opposite of having balls.

He obviously feels the same, so yay! Crack on, but don't forget he wasn't taken when he gets bored with you and goes off with someone else

Why is this even an option, he’s in a relationship so you wish him well and block. No need to meet, no need to talk.

I think you both sound perfect for each other.

Shame about his current girlfriend though.

The only acceptable outcome is if he notices he is attracted to someone else and takes that as a sign that his current relationship is not working.

He has that conversation and separates from his current relationship without any reference to a potential new partner.

Once he is entirely free of the current relations , is the earliest he should be talking to you about whether there is a potential relationship between you.

Nog to put too fine a point on it, this is not what he has done. So yourself a favour and tell him to come back only if he is free. Meanwhile, do not return his messages.

Trust me, you will come to see that this is the right way forward for you. I'm sorry but there it is, , entirely from the point of view of your relationship having a chance and you not getting hurt. All the best.

that I need that level of commitment from him

If you haven't already twigged, I explicitly invite you to consider how you would feel if you started a relationship and then at some point he started to 'talk' to someone else.

If you genuinely mean that you would not expect to be married and would not expect t fidelity, then fair enough but ....

Think again how it would feel for you.

Do your future self a favour by not accepting the scraps that he offers.

You sound obsessed with him, rather than the other way around!

What a grubby state of affairs...

All so true. When I split up with my first husband I was appalled by the sheer number of my friends' husbands, partners and boyfriends who started trying it on with me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking any of them up on their offer, and really quite sad that they could so easily betray my friends like that (and disgusted that they could think that I would too). If they were hitting on me, chances are they were already cheaters anyway. Horrid. I became very cynical about men for a long time after that.

All those bullet points to try and justify the fact that you have allowed yourself to be manipulated and have put yourself last? You are not “healthy” at all. Good try op, but no is buying it, sadly enough, not even you.

This 100%

I'm quoting this massive post (sorry, everyone!) because this has convinced me you have narcissistic tendencies. The lengths you'll go to to justify your grubby little affair is astounding. You two fully deserve each other.

Ah fuck I know I'm an absolute tit. And sound awful. It's obviously difficult to read but I have taken it in. Yesterday I was just venting to try and get my head straight but I know how it sounds and that ultimately I am wrong and that the vast majority of you are right.

He is a cheater. I am complicit. I do deserve better. And so does she. Poor woman.

Am addressing. Seriously I am. I started chatting to a guy I met on OLD over the weekend and he's super nice. Loads in common. And free. Obviously early days but my intention really is to walk away from this current situation into something decent. Thankfully, because it's been extremely short term and also we've not done anything other than briefly kiss the vacuum will not feel too enormous. Although it's a bit agonising at the moment, such is the 'addition'.

Having slept on it, there are so many red flags with original cheating guy nothing good can come of it. I know that.

You deserve better and so does she. I hear you find him attractive and that kind of love bombing is hard to resist but there are lots of attractive men without this baggage and lack of principles

@Namechangefortimebeing Your last post has cheered me up so much.

I hope things work out with the OLD guy op. Glad you’ve come to your senses.

That's not the update I expected!

At the end of the day you can't take back what's already done, so don't continue to beat yourself up too much about that. What matters now is that you've put a stop to it before it goes any further!

Hope it goes well with the OLD guy

@Namechangefortimebeing You have seen the light. Good for you, and best of luck with the new chap.

See my thread, I'm a year down the road. Don't go there https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5122552-why-would-a-guy?page=4&reply=136998192