Is this love bombing?

[Namechangefortimebeing]

I feel like I might have been love bombed and need opinions to help me realise what is going on.

so, in short, I separated from H a year ago and about four months ago an old flame hooked up with me on Instagram where he discovered I was single. He has long term gf but does not live with her.

started chatting fairly frequently and he kept asking to meet up to which I said no as not appropriate due to his situation. But the chats kept happening over the weeks until I agreed to meet him for a walk in the day for 45 mins. After that the nature of texts changed and started to become more flirty. I find him v attractive but did ask him to stop out of respect for his situation. He starts flattering me a lot, texting me all the time. I said to forget about me as he is emotionally invested in his gf and her kids (who he is majorly hands on with). However, ended up meeting up once more. Same context. We kissed very briefly. The texts continue very full on. This all happened over last three weeks. Lots of chemistry.

he has gone away with gf for her family business just for a few days. So texting has stopped. Last thing he told me was he’ll call when back and we’ll meet up B and that I should not stress. He says we need to spend more time together before he is comfortable binning off his relationship as so much harm will occur.

ive now had three days of peace, but I feel absolutely run over and drained. I like him loads and feel extremely attracted to him but I have not done any of the pursuing and I feel he’s wearing me down and I’m not sure what his intentions are. When I ask him he says he doesn’t know either and that things are complicated with his gf as she’s got issues and her kids rely on him for stability.

im so confused.

Yes agreed.

He's misleading her, regardless. Do you want a bloke who is comfortable to mislead one woman whilst chasing another?

It doesn't matter what you think 'wife' and 'girlfriend' mean. What do you think 'liar' means?

It’s quite intense and I feel he might be trying to move things on fast so as not to give me a chance to reflect. This has all happened in two weeks actually. It feels like it’s been going on for months and I’m finding myself wondering what has happened and how did we get here and if I even wanted this to happen. I guess I just wanted to talk about it.

I feel he might be trying to move things on fast so as not to give me a chance to reflect

So? It's not up to him how fast you move. You're the one who decides how long you need to reflect for, not him. Why don't you tell him you need a few months before you can make a decision? You'll soon find out if he's serious about you.

1. they are definitely still having sex. That’s the oldest line in the book. I’d be shocked if she thinks the relationship is anything but great

2. if he’s willing to cheat on his long term partner who he’s invested time with her kids and lives with, he’d cheat on you as easy as breathing

3. there are many reasons people don’t get married. Doesn’t mean less commitment. Don’t make excuses for willingly participating in this infidelity, at least own the fact you are knowingly involved with a taken man.

Obviously I have a conscience otherwise I would have shagged him senseless already. I’m trying restraint, and to tread carefully. I am worried about her - and me - which is kind of why I’m here. And, for the record, am willing and wanting to put a stop to it. Bottom line is though I don’t know her. She is really his responsibility not mine. Plus he is her problem in one way and mine in another. I’ve got enough of my own to be dragged into what’s going on in their lives. that’s up to them to sort.

no-one in my view is ‘taken’.

You keep justifying your grubby little emotional affair to yourself. You’re still facilitating another woman being cheated on but obviously you and this man have no moral compass.

But hey who cares who gets hurt as long as you’re getting the attention

.

This. Just a common or garden variety creep.

Definitely not lovebombing.
It's just cheating.
Angst and romanticizing are often part of that. This isn't something being done to you, you're choosing to be part of it.

He's trying to test drive you before ending his relationship and he even told you as much.

He also says she is suspicious that he has someone else.

And no doubt he's gaslighting her and saying that it's all in her head. I wonder how many times he's done this to her?

Obviously I have a conscience otherwise I would have shagged him senseless already.
You're already the OW.

It may not be. But ..and its a big but.. you seem to be rhinking he is the one who has to be clear. No. You need to be clear. He's a pretty blatant fuxjwit . You deserve better. Give him the widest berth possible and like others have said, take some agency and have some respect for yourself. If you keep this up, you will be in a mess soon when he does it to the next one. He can't meet upnwith you if you dorn turn up. He can't keep messaging I you don't encourage, reply, or vlovk him. He can't kiss you if donr meet him.he can't be flirtatious and have chemistry if you donr meet him.

Stop playing the fool.

Your boundaries are non existent.. and thats on you, not him. And he's playing you for a fool. He's even explicit ... he can't be single. He needs to play around with you before he even contemplates ending it with his gf. What an absolute wxxxer.

Not enough restraint that you won't meet him, not enough that you won't block him. So far you are full of him chatting lots and lapping up the complements. But you've always known about his GF. People with low self respect and low self esteem, become the other woman to a man and accept their scraps and their BS - we dont have sex anymore is a well used lie. Don't be one of them, block him, unfriend him etc. while he's away.
You are trying to use lovebombing here as a reason to be going along with it when really you've been passively allowing it to progress the whole time. It's not all on him, you decided to respond, talk meet, kiss. Maybe work out why you've been incapable of saying no to him. Yes he's good looking, so's an ex of mine I bumped into who tried testing the waters again with me - it was an emphatic no from me, despite thinking he was fit, he was seeing someone, but I shut it down on the basis that I still wouldn't even if he was single, because I obviously know that he can't keep it in his pants. Always up for it when opportunity knocks, probably like this guy who sought you out despite having a GF, the novelty has worn off and you are the new toy. He will get fed up of you in time if you comply.
Lovebombing, would entail wining and dining you and giving gifts as well as future faking, but so far, he's only had to talk to you and meet you twice, and he's said how difficult he'd find it to get out of his relationship - oh, but he might try after he's road-tested you for a while, charmer!
You've fallen for the charm offensive, a soft touch, it's been too easy for him.

He lives with gf? Is it her house? I guess he can't dump her till he can be sure he can move in with you.....

I guess he can't dump her till he can be sure the sec with you will be better...

And she relying on him emotionally? Should partners not do that then? He's "very hands on with the kids" really? You witnessed all the parenting happening over there or is this what he says? To me it just sounds like things are holes say to get women to think they are brilliant

How do you know he hasn't had these affairs with other women before while cheating on his gf? Will you ever be able to trust him knowing he can behave like this?

Call it off. If he wants to be with you he can end that relationship, detangle himself from that situation and sort himself out ready to start dating- at the beginning of a relationship not jump into another woman's house

This!!
Stick to your principles.
Who needs it?

Jeez

If you like him ask him.to get in touch when he is single and available and has had time to process what happened with his ex that he started wanting tk stag around before he ended it with her.
If you respect yourself, try harder. It really is quite easy to block someone, not respond, not meet up, not kiss, and not want to share them senseless. He is a dick.

And . If you have enough of your own problems...sort them out first too...for your own sake and that of others you get involved in.

Shag him senseless.. ? Sounds like you haven't tried hard to stay out of the mess OP.

Maybe you deserve each other. But it won't be pretty. And one day you'll be back in this position, but you'll be 'her'

Christ alive. No, it’s NOT “love bombing” it’s yet another man with a girlfriend who is after a shag? Surely op, you cannot be this naive? But perhaps you are because you are already trotting out the standard OW speech of “ his relationship is his responsibility, I’ve made no promises” blah blah.
Ignoring the fact that your behaviour is morally reprehensible (you might have made no promises, but you KNOW what you are doing will devastate someone else and their children!!!) why on earth would you want to be some lying bastards bit on the side? Tell him to get to fuck and to never, ever contact you again. He will soon move on to some other mug,

I hope you have the same opinion if you two end up together and he decides to cheat on you too.

You know what, you deserve each other.

If that is how you feel, I can't help wondering why you decided to start the thread and talk your predicament over with us lot.

I don't think it is love bombing by the way, I think he is just pushy when he knows what he wants. And at the moment what he wants is to have his cake and eat it.

@Namechangefortimebeing - okay, so from what you’re saying, if you and he get together and you’re his girlfriend, sounds like you’d be cool with him looping in another woman with some cheesy lies and with that woman taking the view that you don’t really matter because you’re just a girlfriend. If that’s not the case, then you should walk away. You know he’s lying to his current girlfriend. Why do you think he won’t lie to you?

FWIW, decades ago a friend of mine felt an evolving mutual attraction with a male friend of hers who was spoken for. She battened down the hatches and made clear she wouldn’t entertain him turning up to hang out with bottles of wine because he was in a relationship. After a short while, he ended that relationship and got together with my friend and they’ve been very happily married for decades. But that’s not what you’re doing. You’re entertaining his interest when you know he’s not available. He will also know from this that your moral standards are pretty low and will probably take liberties.

And, for the record, am willing and wanting to put a stop to it

Why haven't you? It's not about how well you know her, or what they have to deal with as a couple. It's about what you want. The real question here is: Do you want a lying cheat in your bed? Because, it's not about having him as your 'partner' or 'boyfriend', is it; he's a lying cheat, so you'll never really be able to trust that he's commited to you.

no-one in my view is ‘taken

So, how would you like him to see himself if he starts a relationship with you? Is 'open to offers' ok with you?

To him minimising his relationship to you, she is just his girlfriend (they live together no doubt) and to unsuspecting her, he is her long time partner.

How is that not cheating??

You are feigning any real concern for her and no doubt will ruin a relationship to be with a cheat just to be the chosen 'one'. You need to get some self esteem and kick him into touch. He saw you coming and need to take note of all his red flag waving.

Sounds like he’s been thinking about you for a long time. His feelings could be genuine and he has the intention to have a long term relationship with you.

The relationship he is in at the moment might be over for him but he’s still emotionally attached to his partner and her children.

The mature thing to do would be for him to finish his present relationship before starting one with you. If he’s not doing this then you need to be the one to set the boundaries.

Don’t give him access to have you both. If you don’t want to be an affair don’t put yourself in that position. Take yourself out of reach.

Tell him you’d like to take time to see where you both feel in a month. Go no contact for that month. He can sort out his feelings with his present partner. In a month you’ll have a better idea if he’s serious or just wants his cake and eat it.

You are in control. Show him.

OP be wary if he can do this to his gf, he will be repeating the same behaviour to you too.

I agree with you that girlfriends are not the same as wives. However, if you want a husband that won't chest you first have to find a boyfriend that won't cheat. There are no men for whom a special sense of loyalty kicks in upon marriage. The ones who won't be monogamous for a girlfriend won't be for a wife/subsequent girlfriend either.

I think you know what you need to do. You are hearing your conscience but you aren't listening to it - that is something that will only lead you to disappointment and misery.

You can do this!

He's not single. Find your own bloke 🙄