Is this love bombing?

[Namechangefortimebeing]

I feel like I might have been love bombed and need opinions to help me realise what is going on.

so, in short, I separated from H a year ago and about four months ago an old flame hooked up with me on Instagram where he discovered I was single. He has long term gf but does not live with her.

started chatting fairly frequently and he kept asking to meet up to which I said no as not appropriate due to his situation. But the chats kept happening over the weeks until I agreed to meet him for a walk in the day for 45 mins. After that the nature of texts changed and started to become more flirty. I find him v attractive but did ask him to stop out of respect for his situation. He starts flattering me a lot, texting me all the time. I said to forget about me as he is emotionally invested in his gf and her kids (who he is majorly hands on with). However, ended up meeting up once more. Same context. We kissed very briefly. The texts continue very full on. This all happened over last three weeks. Lots of chemistry.

he has gone away with gf for her family business just for a few days. So texting has stopped. Last thing he told me was he’ll call when back and we’ll meet up B and that I should not stress. He says we need to spend more time together before he is comfortable binning off his relationship as so much harm will occur.

ive now had three days of peace, but I feel absolutely run over and drained. I like him loads and feel extremely attracted to him but I have not done any of the pursuing and I feel he’s wearing me down and I’m not sure what his intentions are. When I ask him he says he doesn’t know either and that things are complicated with his gf as she’s got issues and her kids rely on him for stability.

im so confused.

Hi @pubertyalloveragain fucking hell what a head fuck for you.

i know I don’t have it in me to drag this on that long. I’m far too impatient and would lose interest quickly if progress was not being made. but it is very similar. I see the guy in my story doing this - just breadcrumbs… .

do they just like the chase? I don’t know what your fella is getting out of if. Perhaps escapism.

I know it’s different folks and all that but really aren’t you a bit bored by it all?

im finding the OLD distraction is working well. It’s only been three days. I just think to myself that yes OLD is grubby, but it’s not as stressful and demeaning as what I had going with this guy. It can’t be any worse! I would not tolerate what my guy was doing if I met him online. In fact I’d not have even ‘liked’ him as I would not have fancied him from his profile pic. Kind of puts it into perspective.

good luck in moving on.

Wow, congratulations on your 180, op! Have a bit of a deeper look at your motives and needs... using OLD to distract from this... sort of looks like you perhaps struggle to simply 'deal' with hurt without calling on the attention/possibility of a love interest. Why not just stop with the man stuff, and find something else to distract you from man stuff?

Give me a break. I've been on my own for a year happily winning at life - breadwinner for the family, full time job, no one to rely on but myself. I don't need to do any more self development or need fixing. I have always had a tendency to get knocked sideways with a new love interest. But who the hell doesn't? 😅

Good. Not sure why you're choosing OLD as your distraction, in that case, and lots of people don't get knocked sideways by new love interests.

Nobody with healthy self esteem would have looked twice at this guy, and you're using something that you yourself class as 'grubby but not as bad as before' to distract yourself. The title of your thread is focussed on dissecting behaviour you felt uncomfortable with, because you hadn't come up with a firm 'NOPE!' for yourself. After 2 weeks with a cheat, you were wondering 'what was going on and how you'd got there'; this and the way your OP is written suggests that you lack realisation about your agency.

How well you've been doing at other aspects of your life aren't relevant, but the fact that you've used them to defend how sorted you are speaks volumes. Lots of people with lots of money and lots of success struggle when it comes to romantic matters. I was one, and would have said I didn't have any self esteem problems, whilst repeatedly getting into relationships with people who weren't good for me. It took a hell of a blow to get me into counselling, and it all fell down, then.

You'd be wise to drop the 'give me a break; I'm super sorted!' bit, and accept that pretty much everybody would benefit from counselling, even people who are pretty sorted. The defensive stance says a lot. Further self development is something that sorted people welcome.

Why did you break up the first time? It was only 6 months.
I'm of the view he's looking for an exit affair and if it works out for a while. Suits him but then tell start m

Ugh posts too son!
After a while he start looking elsewhere again. They don't change.
Have you heard the term 'place holding'?. Or Place marking . It's a thing men do.
From the author who wrote He's not that into you'.

he Went travelling. We were v young. He had it arranged when we met so we were always on countdown. When he got back I was with my future H.

@Watchkeys i get the message ok? You hate me because I have the audacity to become attracted to someone else’s guy. You want me punished for not behaving myself. Well I’m sorry it happens. I’m not going to put myself on some massive self improvement programme because I have raging hormones and strong feelings. It happens. All. The. Time.

‘not everyone gets knocked sideways’. Well I feel sorry for them. To go through life in vanilla mode must be so boring. I’d rather feel the full on intensity of sex and romance at its full force than skip straight to the ‘meh’ safety mode of settling down and watching soap operas together. even if it hurts like fuck for a bit if it all goes wrong.

End it now. Save yourself a whole heap of heartache and self loathing.

Tell him to get in touch when he has resolved his situation with his gf.

Wow. I was suggesting that you might have some self esteem issues you could look into, perhaps via counselling.

No @Watchkeys you did not just suggest that. It was a lengthy tirade on my character and judgement.

self esteem doesn’t really come into it. I ca have a strong self esteem and consciously be aware that I’m turned on by a certain type of guy. I don’t need to go to go through some sort of conversion therapy to correct that.

just a cold shower and a look around tinder to find an unattached alternative might just do it though.

@Namechangefortimebeing
So it ended the first time as he had a plan to travel and off he went. That's a positive for the current feelings you both may have for each other.
My advice would be this; If it's got that fizz and potential to be 'the real thing' again, let him know you're keen but will wait until he's sorted out his current 'situation'.
Don't be his affair /escape / fantasy GF.

He needs to disentangle himself from whatever set up he is in now (that he created remember) and, if it's wrong, he'll leave, become single and available.

The frisson of an affair (for him) is a fizz that can make him be really keen and intense. You need to know if that fizz and intensity is there with you 2 when he is a single man.
If it's an ingredient in the first stages of a relationship be aware that it doesn't last once he exits his current relationship.
That doesn't mean it won't work between you both but he's also capable of cheating and gets off on that thrill so be aware that's part of his psyche.

Nobody has suggested conversion therapy. I suggested something for you, and said it's something that pretty much everybody could benefit from. There was no attack on your character. There was no 'tirade' of criticism. Bear in mind how your interpretation of things comes into play: imagining attacks where there are none is a sure sign of self esteem, as is 'I don't need help', and a defensive stance.

I'm sure you'll interpret this as a further attack. It isn't. I wish you luck.