DH angry at me for…working

[Westboundsign]

Am I missing something where if you WFH, that actually means you’re supposed to be with your children too?

I rarely WFH but decided to this PM as I needed to work later and had a long Teams meeting planned. I’m similar to a Probation Officer but not - I manage a caseload in a supportive capacity and have to keep in touch via phone calls, face to face. Every contact or action about them needs to be documented that day and there’s set timescales for amount of contacts and when they need to be done.
DH often WFH but his job is so relaxed with no major timescales or responsibilities. We do have a home office.

We have 2 children who do a mix of childcare and FIL looking after them in our home (mainly because he has a dog not trusted around the children).

Today I had a safeguarding type meeting at 3pm and it went on for a couple of hours - heavy stuff for a late afternoon. DH was at home, FIL was looking after the children. DH was also downstairs with them but then decided to bring DS upstairs which started him off crying for me, knowing I was in the office. He allowed him for a prolonged period, to stand at the door of the office, crying loudly which was so difficult for me in terms of trying to concentrate but also just wanting to go to him, whilst just asking and asking him to come with him, without just taking some action.

It got to 4:30 and DH told his FIL he could leave. Meeting didn’t finish until 5pm but I still had a few calls I’d arranged as one can’t speak until late.
DH then started berating me for the time the meeting had been scheduled for and how long it had gone on for, sending me WhatsApp’s which continued in person. I didn’t arrange the meeting but had to attend.
He then had a go at me for not finishing work to allow him to make the children some tea. I explained I hadn’t had chance for a dinner break today so could take my 30 mins so he could get them something sorted if he was really that stressed about it and then I could quickly finish up and be done for bath/bedtime routine. He wasn’t happy that I wanted to go ‘back’ to work as such and proceeded to tell me I was prioritising work over the children and I wasn’t being a competent parent by choosing to sit upstairs (doing my job?!)
I wouldn’t be a competent parent by NOT doing my job and putting that at risk.

When I tried to go back upstairs to make the call (someone I’ve been stressed about for weeks anyway and today was a chance to sort it out), he then purposely opened the stair gate so DS would come upstairs and sat in the office with me. Not appropriate or professional on either side of the coin to have a phone call with him there.
I asked DH to come and bring him back downstairs to which, he eventually did after asking him countless times, so DS started crying and then DH started shouting up the stairs something about that being the result and had a go about me working late.

So, in short, he made that much of a scene that I ended up having to log off without making the call.

I’ve since tried to discuss with him how hurtful his comments were and how I can’t just not do my job but he’s adamant he’s right and made out I was just having a jolly up, hiding from them all doing nothing. I’ve tried to explain that WFH means still being at work but he isn’t pleased the onus is on him to have made their tea and when do I ever think to finish early to sort them out (I rarely ever work late).
He also then decided to bring up yesterday as I logged off around 1pm to attend DS’s graduation. He wasn’t happy that when we got home, I then logged back on to do more work and couldn’t seem to understand that I was making up the time I hadn’t done.

Am I missing something here? I’m not really happy with him for many reasons at the moment but this is just something that’s really annoyed me.

It's probably a shame for FIL who might enjoy doing it, but I would put professional paid childcare in place and assume that you will be 100% responsible for all aspects of it. Tell H he is right and FIL is looking tired so it's better not to over rely on him.

If you're not ready to separate yet, I would do everything you can to protect your job, as I suspect H will be ramping up his behaviour.

He's emotionally abusive and mysoginistic - he literally treats you like a domestic appliance

Leave

He sounds like a massive twat who brings nothing to your life. Stop putting up with this shit and get rid of him.

You can do better than him. You deserve better too.

He sounds worse with every update - can’t drop the kids off on time unless you go to? Fuck that noise!

Ah yes, the ironing/housework/washing isn't necessary. Or-you are obsessively tidy whilst I am more relaxed. The last refuge of lazy people.

Maybe I am being over simplistic but does he not get working from home is with a capital W - I think WFH is a marvellous option but it is not designed to replace childcare - and if he is free at times then his turn with DCs. If he is not using childcare when he works from home then poor show.

OP, having a partner/husband is supposed to make your life easier not harder. Having someone to share life’s stresses and difficulties (as well as the joys) is the best comfort and solace life can give you.

My DH is so kind. He does everything he can to support me and make my life easier. I don’t say this to make you feel bad or to be boasty but to give you an idea of what is normal in loving relationships. This is what to expect. Your DH is a drain on you, he makes you feel bad and undermines you, he offers you no help, in fact, he makes life harder for you. You sound so capable, you deserve better - where’s the joy? I sincerely hope you can find the courage and strength to find something better as I don’t think he will change, sadly. They never do. Good luck!

I wonder if he's actually trying to jeopardise your job so you'll give it up/ get into trouble and lose it? More control then for him and would make it more difficult for you to leave...
He sounds truly awful.

Please talk to Women's aid.
You are being horrifically abused.
He's in the police?
Why are there so many abusers in our police force?
I feel so sorry for you OP.
Please reach out for help.
He is an absolute horror who I have no doubt is trying to fxxk with your job too.

Did it take him to make this child too??? So he’s allowed to prioritise work over his child but you, as the mother, can’t?? Gaslighting arsehole

OP this man is awful! Please leave him. Also, I wouldn’t try to wfh with children this young it’s too difficult for them to understand why you can’t be there for them. Good luck.

The reason I asked this @Westboundsign is because my STBXH has done this exact thing to me a few times - right down to the guilt trips of 'mummy doesn't want you'/'why don't you care about your children' when I've put my foot down about needing to work. And it took me a while to realise/accept it, but for him it's part of a wider pattern of lack of respect/abusive behaviour towards me.

I think sometimes it's easy to get bogged down by the rights and wrongs of individual incidents that you lose sight of the bigger picture, and I think the bigger picture is what you need to be focusing on here, especially after your more recent updates.

I'm not saying your husband is definitely like mine, but even if he isn't abusive, you shouldn't have to go to some of the lengths suggested on here to get him to respect your work and treat you as an equal. That should just come naturally to him.

And if he is anything like my ex, you'll never get through to him anyway, no matter how hard you try, because it's not in his interests to respect or treat you as an equal.

It shouldn't be this hard OP.

His office is much closer to their childcare than mine so we either go together to drop them off on occasions I WFH in the morning then head off from there (I’m having CBT through work at the moment, weekly from home) or he will take them. If he takes them they’re always late however as he needs me to get up and get them ready to get there on time. If it was just left to him, he sets about 5 alarms and still can’t get out of bed at a reasonable time.

OOOhhh... yes.. if he has a task to do, you have to do it too. If you have a task to do, that's your task - I know that one. Watch for subtle sabotage - just little undermining comments (like the one to your little one about you not wanting them there), or things like putting something in just the wrong place so you knock it over or stub your toe, or wrinkling his nose up at things you've bought for him or yourself or the kids

And as to ironing bedding. I'm anti-ironing. But, my eldest started a school where he has to wear a shirt every day (and he's dyspraxic, he tried ironing a shirt, but he just can't - it's too dangerous and slow - and I'm not paying 1.50 a shirt for someone else to do it!), so I've started ironing - and now I also iron my teatowels, some of my t-shirts, and the pillow cases and sheets because a) it feels hygienic and pleasant, and b) they stack much more easily in the cupboard/draw. It's actually a sign of how much better my mental health is since leaving my ex that I want to do it, and do do it.

Oh I see from your update I was wrong and this marriage is unlikely to be salvageable, and you - I suspect - are reaching a point where you don't even want to.

He's no good. He can't even get the DC to childcare on time without roping you in with his feigned incompetence. I know exactly how that feels and I also know that leaving the marriage and doing it all yourself without him will be much, much easier. It sounds counterintuitive but it's true. When you know you only have yourself to rely on you just get on with it - when there's another adult there who won't help it makes everything feel interminably difficult and really messes with your mental well being.

You sound like an intelligent, competent woman. You will be more than capable of going it alone OP. You don't need to do anything rash, I quietly prepped and planned my escape for quite some time and only jumped when I felt the time was right and I had everything in place.

Oh hun, you have an extra child not a DH. He was a direct cause of your PND, made promises before you had another child about doing better and has now reverted back to type. What exactly is the point of him? Do you think you would be happier without him? If you just had to rely on your own childcare arrangements and 50:50 split with him?

Divorce will of course have an impact on your children but they are already being impacted by your marriage. The best thing for children is a happy home with parents who model healthy relationships for them. Not everyone has that and the next best thing is to teach them the importance of boundaries, respect and good self esteem.

Why are you having CBT?

OP with every update this sounds worse and worse. You are already doing more than you would be if you were divorced as you are constantly having to run round after him and chivvy him along. For sure it would be daunting to know there was no back up - bit you'd know where you stood, unlike now, where there is theoretical backup but in reality the 'backup' is not there. You know you are worth more than this man.

OP why are you having CBT?

Also have a look back at your own posts and see if the reason you are having CBT is linked to what you have written about his shitty controling behaviour.

My friends who have cleaners get their cleaners to at least clean their bathrooms/toilets and all the floors downstairs.

How has it been this week @Westboundsign ?

@Westboundsign

I am sorry you are in this position. It's rubbish. The children's father was like this with me. I'm in a social work role and the times I'd get scolded for being late or not calling because I was in a meeting were bonkers. And the allowing the kids to climb all over me on my 'lie in' etc. He just didn't want to parent and would make it my responsibility at every opportunity

I too come from a divorced family and my mother also had a number of abusive relationships which left their mark on me. I wanted our family to work but I also wanted the children not to repeat what I had learnt from my mother.

The children's father left many years ago now. And from pretty early on the children were much happier and more relaxed without his presence. They both comment from time to time now that they are glad it's just us.

I hope I've set them a better example of family life and not tolerating bad behaviour from others because we feel obligated. I hope you can find the strength to make the changes you deserve to have a happy home.

Hi everyone - apologies for being away for some time, I’ve just not had time to even think!
I’ve read all of your responses and appreciate your wisdom sharing with me and personal stories. I must admit I haven’t had any real change - I’ve just been sitting back and trying to take stock I suppose, of where I want to be and how I get there.
We had the stag do recently which was 4 days of solo parenting. It was really hard I must admit as DD, who knew something was up but couldn’t understand what, screamed and cried all night for 2 nights and I was just beside myself (any screaming or crying takes me right back to her being a baby where for months she’d scream and cry every day for hours at a time linked to her undiagnosed allergy).
DH was unbothered and could barely bother his arse to check in with us off his own back, despite knowing how bad I was feeling it. Made noises of looking for earlier flights but never sorted it as it was too expensive. From that he said he felt so bad for leaving for that long and wouldn’t do it again.

Newest rage at me is because he wants to attend a Thursday wedding (PM only) for a friend about half an hour away and stay overnight in a hotel because some of his friends are.
With all the previous context I’ve added here too, I’ve also explained it’s a Thursday so asked that, of course he goes and could have a civilised time as it’s a wedding, but could he not come home after so I’m not going to have to cut my work on Thursday, rush home to get them, then the next morning, I’m not having to rush about getting both children ready, plus myself, get one to school and then to work after undoubtedly having the evening after work on Thursday, battling with DD who will scream (she’s an awful sleeper and he’s recently signed without my permission as I said no, a form from childcare to say she can have may contain products which has resulted in nights of screaming to get to sleep, followed by multiple screaming wake ups in the night). My job is the worst in the world on no sleep as you have to be alert and the distressing things hit harder when you’re tired/emotional. Everything seems to be at my sacrifice when I write it down.

He’s unleashed a tirade upon me of how I’m difficult, insinuated my reasoning above is a lie and it’s really because I don’t trust him and don’t want him away from me, I’m massively inconveniencing him for a minor inconvenience to myself and how I just need to get over myself, stop being so irritating and difficult, stop trying to control what he does and just accept it because other partner’s wouldn’t have a problem (none have children aside from 1 who only has 1). He would never have a problem with me doing anything so he says and wouldn’t ever put barriers in my way.

FIL has had an operation recently so DH has decided to WFH this week but with DD there as he wouldn’t pay for extra childcare?! I went for my nails done today (the only thing I do for me!) after work so he brought that into it - how he’s had the children all day whilst I swanned off. DS has been at school and I got them both up, dressed and did the drop off today. Nail lady also lives 5 minutes from our house…
The funny thing is, when I hear him alone with the children, I hear the stress and annoyance in his voice so I know he finds it difficult, but when it suits, likes to pretend it’s fine and I should be waving him goodbye to enjoy himself like a doormat.

I did stop doing his ironing however which didn’t go down well but after a week of stalemate, he relented and ironed some of the children’s clothes. The one and only time though and hasn’t since!

Writing things down helps me process and see where I really need to give myself a kick and stop putting up with things.

I’ve been dealing with some really emotive things at work lately too which will go on for a few months. The last thing I need is to be painted as a controlling irritant because I oppose his ‘one off’.

For those who asked, I’m having CBT because the abusive ex of my DM’s I mentioned, turned up as a volunteer for my employer. I reported them as their role was a conflict of interest with their past and assured they’d be removed. I found out months later they’d been allowed to remain so I had to report and fight again. Then found out when all the abuse was reported at the time, the PC failed to deal with it properly and never investigated any of the crimes so they were allowed to get away with it. Just brought up a lot of things I thought I’d buried.

You deserve better as do your DC.

I hope CBT is he helping you deal and making you stronger.

So to be clear, he signed a form allowing nursery to feed your child products which leave her screaming and unable to sleep?

I assume that you have withdrawn that permission again.

Please contact Women's aid and tell your family the truth.

You are being terribly abused.
You poor woman.
Your poor child.
That he would hurt his own child deliberately is so awful.
Please tell your GP about this.

battling with DD who will scream (she’s an awful sleeper and he’s recently signed without my permission as I said no, a form from childcare to say she can have may contain products which has resulted in nights of screaming to get to sleep, followed by multiple screaming wake ups in the night

Sorry, what? Your husband knows your daughter has an allergy but has signed a form to say people can give her products that make her unwell?

And you haven’t gone back to the childcare provider to reverse that permission?

This is really disturbing. He is harming his child.