DH angry at me for…working

[Westboundsign]

Am I missing something where if you WFH, that actually means you’re supposed to be with your children too?

I rarely WFH but decided to this PM as I needed to work later and had a long Teams meeting planned. I’m similar to a Probation Officer but not - I manage a caseload in a supportive capacity and have to keep in touch via phone calls, face to face. Every contact or action about them needs to be documented that day and there’s set timescales for amount of contacts and when they need to be done.
DH often WFH but his job is so relaxed with no major timescales or responsibilities. We do have a home office.

We have 2 children who do a mix of childcare and FIL looking after them in our home (mainly because he has a dog not trusted around the children).

Today I had a safeguarding type meeting at 3pm and it went on for a couple of hours - heavy stuff for a late afternoon. DH was at home, FIL was looking after the children. DH was also downstairs with them but then decided to bring DS upstairs which started him off crying for me, knowing I was in the office. He allowed him for a prolonged period, to stand at the door of the office, crying loudly which was so difficult for me in terms of trying to concentrate but also just wanting to go to him, whilst just asking and asking him to come with him, without just taking some action.

It got to 4:30 and DH told his FIL he could leave. Meeting didn’t finish until 5pm but I still had a few calls I’d arranged as one can’t speak until late.
DH then started berating me for the time the meeting had been scheduled for and how long it had gone on for, sending me WhatsApp’s which continued in person. I didn’t arrange the meeting but had to attend.
He then had a go at me for not finishing work to allow him to make the children some tea. I explained I hadn’t had chance for a dinner break today so could take my 30 mins so he could get them something sorted if he was really that stressed about it and then I could quickly finish up and be done for bath/bedtime routine. He wasn’t happy that I wanted to go ‘back’ to work as such and proceeded to tell me I was prioritising work over the children and I wasn’t being a competent parent by choosing to sit upstairs (doing my job?!)
I wouldn’t be a competent parent by NOT doing my job and putting that at risk.

When I tried to go back upstairs to make the call (someone I’ve been stressed about for weeks anyway and today was a chance to sort it out), he then purposely opened the stair gate so DS would come upstairs and sat in the office with me. Not appropriate or professional on either side of the coin to have a phone call with him there.
I asked DH to come and bring him back downstairs to which, he eventually did after asking him countless times, so DS started crying and then DH started shouting up the stairs something about that being the result and had a go about me working late.

So, in short, he made that much of a scene that I ended up having to log off without making the call.

I’ve since tried to discuss with him how hurtful his comments were and how I can’t just not do my job but he’s adamant he’s right and made out I was just having a jolly up, hiding from them all doing nothing. I’ve tried to explain that WFH means still being at work but he isn’t pleased the onus is on him to have made their tea and when do I ever think to finish early to sort them out (I rarely ever work late).
He also then decided to bring up yesterday as I logged off around 1pm to attend DS’s graduation. He wasn’t happy that when we got home, I then logged back on to do more work and couldn’t seem to understand that I was making up the time I hadn’t done.

Am I missing something here? I’m not really happy with him for many reasons at the moment but this is just something that’s really annoyed me.

He subconsciously resents not having a wife/mother to do it all and is passive aggressively taking it out on you. Rather than cry, I think you should say you're seriously wondering if you and the kids would be happier divorced.

So the manchild was pissed off that he had to parent ? Get rid unless you can make him the centre of your attention 24/7.

Your husband is an absolute pig, but I do agree it's madness to be ironing bedding when you're so busy, let alone the kids' bedding.

This is it exactly. Your job is wife and mum. He wants to absolve himself of all that responsibility.

Yep, this.

No one can do it all.

Particularly if you have a full time job out of the house. Add in caring responsibilities and you will eventually crack.

That's why you work out what you can make easier e.g. cooking in bulk, not ironing everything, and/or get paid help for e.g. cleaner.

People forget "house wife" is a full time job alone without adding in to it the care of vulnerable others.

I've just read all of your updates OP, this is an absolute shit show. You need to end your marriage. I understand your reluctance because of your own upbringing, but you do not need to repeat the mistakes of your own parents. By staying in this marriage, you are repeating those mistakes.

Dreadful behaviour. Horrible man. This can’t be the only very out of order thing he does. How else does this childish selfishness manifest itself?
To my mind, you’d be better off alone using paid childcare than in this situation.

Are you ironing the children’s bedding? Your husband is unreasonable about the WFH but if you really are doing this you are making completely unnecessary work for yourself.

His comment to your son that mummy died t want him is evil.
Start making your plans to leave. You can never respect him. He won’t change.

He’s angry because he has to do the grunt work - which is his view is the woman’s job.

Your recent posts also indicate this.

What a cock. Do you intend to put up with it ?

What he's doing sounds deliberate. It's spiteful and childish.
Can you work away from home, at least for some of the time?
Can you set agreed hours with DH for your work and his - eg he works 8-4, you work 10-6 , spell it out that his work will be protected within those hours, and your work will be protected within your hours. If he then doesn't fit his work within his agreed time then that's his problem. You might have to end up being stricter with your employer about your own hours if you can't rely on H to do childcare outside those hours.
I wonder if there's anything you can let go of ( all ironing, or only iron your work clothes).
Meal planning has to involve him ( "what do you want to cook on Thursday when it's your turn - remember it needs to be something quick because of xyz"). Bear in mind that you don't need a full cooked dinner everyday - beans on toast is fine sometimes. If he is involved in creating the plan, he can't then moan about it later. It sounds like you might need some reserve meals in the freezer for days when you both need to work later. Talk to him about that, too.
Get strict about clothes being dropped on the floor - I'd pick them up and put them in a bag/box and leave them there. Don't wash any clothes that are not already in the laundry bag - in fact don't do his washing at all. I can report that I stopped doing DH's washing because he never put it away afterwards, and he has not commented, but has started doing his own.
Having DC and working fulltime with a lazy resentful H is always going to be difficult, and I think WFH makes it worse.

So he is just difficult. He is DELIBERATELY difficult, doing his best to make your life hard work.

Im not sure a man like that can ever ‘be better’ @Westboundsign

It doesn’t matter if the OP adds some unnecessary work for herself.
She isn’t asking him (or anyone eise) to do it!!

What is not and never will be ok is for him to then make it even harder work for her. And will actually laugh at her (because that’s what the scoffing is about).

There is definitely sexism at play here but I'm not so sure the marriage can't be salvaged OP. Of course it's impossible to know without seeing him IRL but I would be reluctant to call this "extremely abusive" as someone posted upthread. I think that's an over reaction.

How much effort does he put into the children/house generally? Does he regularly cook, clean, vacuum, spend time with the DC, do pick ups/drop offs etc. would you say those things are evenly shared between you? Ironing children's bedding is madness when you have a full time job and a one and three(?) year old. I was a SAHM when my DC were that age and there was no way I'd waste precious time ironing bedding - If my husband had expected me to I would be resentful too!

How he behaved when your son was born is awful but the stress of providing can make people act badly. I'm aware I sound like I'm making excuses for him here and I'm loath to do so as I actually did leave a marriage with a similar man. And I'm very much in a man hating zone right now 😝 There was more extreme circumstances though and he also did absolutely zero with the children/around the house, and I was still reluctant to leave as you understandably desperately want your children to grow up in a house with both parents.

What is concerning though is that you have cried to him repeatedly and he doesn't change his behaviour- what does he say when you cry to him? Does he acknowledge your concerns or get stroppy? The lack of affection is also bad and not a good indicator of longevity. However life gets so very hectic when your have tiny DC - it's a testing time for the majority of relationships. I would try to speak with him and get on the same page as a team and see if things get better/calm down when your DC are at a less intense stage.

I waited until my youngest was school age and then left. I wanted to make sure I had really given it every chance to work but as the DC got older and easier, their dad did not and in fact got worse in many ways so it was time then to cut my losses. I do think parents owe their children the effort of a few years of hard effort (abuse/infidelity aside) before they irrevocably change the trajectory of their children's lives. However, if you're the only one trying then it's probably flogging a dead horse.

One thing I will say OP that may give you hope should you decide to leave, is that I am 100% a better mother since taking my DC and moving away. When you remove the stress, resentments and worry about your relationship you become more present with your DC and there is a lightness to your interactions that didn't exist before. It's a scary, scary thing to go it alone and although I'm so sad for my children that it's come to this, I can't deny that it was the right decision. Despite my agonising about the effect on them they are thriving too. Settled brilliantly in their new school, they're confident with lots of new friends and excelling academically.

Whatever you decide remember - you are not your mother and because of her you are in the fortunate position of knowing what not to do. With a mother like you separation doesn't have to be the ruination of their childhood - I promise!

He has no respect for you or your job. You have a right to work from home if that's allowed by your employer and I can see that it would be useful to be able to make confidential calls as a social/probation officer.

I couldn't live with someone like that.

Agree 100%.
Your kids are witnessing this behaviour.

You have a good job and could support your kids on your own with maintenance from your hopefully 'ex' husband.
Honestly it is much, much easier with them out of the picture. You'll have proper time to yourself when your kids are at his and could start some hobbies so you meet people.

He does a bit more of the cooking but he doesn’t contribute to the meal plan/shopping list. I do ask him multiple times for ideas but he won’t come up with anything.
He will put some washing on but only if he’s WFH and then will just leave it on the utility worktop for days on end until I move it after it’s been out.

We do have a cleaner to come every fortnight. He tells her to just clean upstairs and that we’ll sort downstairs but he doesn’t. I still have to tell him what needs doing and the other day, I worked for ages cleaning and he couldn’t even do a couple of small jobs I asked, for days later.

His office is much closer to their childcare than mine so we either go together to drop them off on occasions I WFH in the morning then head off from there (I’m having CBT through work at the moment, weekly from home) or he will take them. If he takes them they’re always late however as he needs me to get up and get them ready to get there on time. If it was just left to him, he sets about 5 alarms and still can’t get out of bed at a reasonable time.

I’ve only just within the last year got him to agree to a joint account. Previous to that he very rarely ever contributed to their clothes and would tell me that I got the child benefit to my account so that’s what that was for.

I never iron! Stick in tumble dryer for an hour then hang on airer.
You really don't need to iron bedding.

I’ve since tried to discuss with him how hurtful his comments were

Your only mistake is in taking a gentle 'be kind' approach instead of (ahem) 'ripping him a new one' about how totally unacceptable such behaviour is and that you won't tolerate misogyny in your marriage.

Oh you poor thing. You sound so diligent about your job and your DH is an absolutely monumental arse.

This is not normal. YANBU.

How is he still employed? He sounds so disorganized that he's not doing his full hours. He sounds like such a liability and a drain on you. Can you cope financially without him? Your home could be so relaxing and peaceful if he weren't there.

What is the point/benefit of him?

He's unkind, thoughtless and undermines you.

Oh please PLEASE read back what you've written

He's horrible and I hate saying it, it's heading down the abusive route

You get nothing from him. Don't compare it to your parents as there's a tiny chance he's a better father than yours was

But your life would be much easier without him in it

Oh, and YOU tell the cleaner to clean downstairs!!