DH angry at me for…working

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Am I missing something where if you WFH, that actually means you’re supposed to be with your children too?

I rarely WFH but decided to this PM as I needed to work later and had a long Teams meeting planned. I’m similar to a Probation Officer but not - I manage a caseload in a supportive capacity and have to keep in touch via phone calls, face to face. Every contact or action about them needs to be documented that day and there’s set timescales for amount of contacts and when they need to be done.
DH often WFH but his job is so relaxed with no major timescales or responsibilities. We do have a home office.

We have 2 children who do a mix of childcare and FIL looking after them in our home (mainly because he has a dog not trusted around the children).

Today I had a safeguarding type meeting at 3pm and it went on for a couple of hours - heavy stuff for a late afternoon. DH was at home, FIL was looking after the children. DH was also downstairs with them but then decided to bring DS upstairs which started him off crying for me, knowing I was in the office. He allowed him for a prolonged period, to stand at the door of the office, crying loudly which was so difficult for me in terms of trying to concentrate but also just wanting to go to him, whilst just asking and asking him to come with him, without just taking some action.

It got to 4:30 and DH told his FIL he could leave. Meeting didn’t finish until 5pm but I still had a few calls I’d arranged as one can’t speak until late.
DH then started berating me for the time the meeting had been scheduled for and how long it had gone on for, sending me WhatsApp’s which continued in person. I didn’t arrange the meeting but had to attend.
He then had a go at me for not finishing work to allow him to make the children some tea. I explained I hadn’t had chance for a dinner break today so could take my 30 mins so he could get them something sorted if he was really that stressed about it and then I could quickly finish up and be done for bath/bedtime routine. He wasn’t happy that I wanted to go ‘back’ to work as such and proceeded to tell me I was prioritising work over the children and I wasn’t being a competent parent by choosing to sit upstairs (doing my job?!)
I wouldn’t be a competent parent by NOT doing my job and putting that at risk.

When I tried to go back upstairs to make the call (someone I’ve been stressed about for weeks anyway and today was a chance to sort it out), he then purposely opened the stair gate so DS would come upstairs and sat in the office with me. Not appropriate or professional on either side of the coin to have a phone call with him there.
I asked DH to come and bring him back downstairs to which, he eventually did after asking him countless times, so DS started crying and then DH started shouting up the stairs something about that being the result and had a go about me working late.

So, in short, he made that much of a scene that I ended up having to log off without making the call.

I’ve since tried to discuss with him how hurtful his comments were and how I can’t just not do my job but he’s adamant he’s right and made out I was just having a jolly up, hiding from them all doing nothing. I’ve tried to explain that WFH means still being at work but he isn’t pleased the onus is on him to have made their tea and when do I ever think to finish early to sort them out (I rarely ever work late).
He also then decided to bring up yesterday as I logged off around 1pm to attend DS’s graduation. He wasn’t happy that when we got home, I then logged back on to do more work and couldn’t seem to understand that I was making up the time I hadn’t done.

Am I missing something here? I’m not really happy with him for many reasons at the moment but this is just something that’s really annoyed me.

It is time to have the division of labour discussion. It might be a lost cause. You both write down the tasks you do, including emotional labour, then you divide them into two. This will 100% show he is not pulling his weight and you can hold him to it. It probably won’t work, though.

Never WFH again and work towards LTB; he is bad for you.

What a twat why couldn't he make the children something to eat while looking after them at the same time? It's not that difficult.

He's such a knob. Imagine playing with a child emotions like that just to satisfy his own shitty agenda to make you feel bad for working. If he's worried his dads tired then ask him if he wants you to arrange other childcare. Plus why couldn't your husband cook with the kids there? He sounds incompetent in the home and at his job

I would kind of understand his point if this was March 2020 but doesn't the whole world understand what working from home actually means now?!

I don't work from home ever because my husband gets angry that I have not done the washing, cleaned, cooked dinner etc. Because I was WORKING. Not worth the argument so I don't bother.

It seems like that deep down, he has a traditional view of your role in life and resents it if he has to do any of it. To him, you are primarily mother and carer, even when at work. His actions were very deliberate.
Definitely don’t WFH again so as to maintain strictly delineated boundaries.

My EXDP used to do this; he was trying to sabotage my career as I was the higher earner by far.

It got so bad that I was having to lock the door to my work room so he didn't "accidentally" let DC with additional needs in (primary age but doesn't understand due to SEN and screams) while I was having meetings.

I left him in the end.

What a horrible man. YANBU.

WFH is out of the normal routine from what you have said: “I rarely WFH”

Did your DH and FIL know you planned to WFH prior to doing it and did you let them know you would also be working late? I agree your DH handled things poorly but some of that could be chalked up to being kept in the dark and then the rare WFH throwing a huge spanner into his normal routine of WFH and then tackling the DC until you are home from the office.

I honestly can’t imagine keeping a grandparent on as childcare past 5pm either so I see why FIL went home when he did. I don’t think that was fair of you to just assume that FIL is available for childcare into the evening.

You don’t know what else was going on with the other children for your DS to be stood outside your office door crying, I don’t understand why you just ignored him? Surely you should have excused yourself or muted or turned off camera and cracked the door and given your DS a bit of attention and alerted DH to come and get him? Him telling DS that “mummy doesn’t want you here while she is working” was ok- he has said so much that was unreasonable to you there is no need to get angry at something that is a fact. You don’t want DS there while you are working. That’s normal adult feeling, that isn’t your PND and your DS won’t be harmed by learning not to bother you while working in the home office.

I think because the routine was that you don’t work from home, there was always risk it wouldn’t go well. The children are used to when you are home, you are not working. This would make it really hard for your FIL and DH to manage them as they will be kicking up a fuss about you being home but mysteriously unavailable. The chaos then caused frustration in you both, and then you both had a row where old irritations bubbled up and hurtful things are said. It doesn’t help that you are all tired and overworked.

I think he owes you an apology and the two of you need to communicate better on your days schedule, working late, and so on. He needs to be more proactive and take on more of the mental load and clean up mess instead of create it.

Perhaps there aren’t enough hours in the day and the two of you need to discuss outsourcing some things- childcare, cleaning- because family life is relentless and full on.

Honestly, I think you need a meeting with FIL and DH and let them know that due to DH’s toddler-like behaviour, tantrums and sabotage, you will never again work from home. This will mean that they are going to have to arrange their agendas further around your office hours. You can’t afford to lose your job financially and if your DH does not begin to behave appropriately, you are going to consider your future.

He’s a prick Op.

Your DH's behaviour and attitude to you over this is really poor. BUT wfh when you have young kids who know you are there and want to be with you is a complete pain for everyone else in the household. If that's the case for you, and it sounds that way, I think it's pretty unfair on your DH, DFiL and DC for you to wfh if you don't have to.

You mention a few other issues that seem like your DH has double standards regarding your and his work commitments, but could there be some simmering resentment here over your DC preferring you to him that the tiredness at the end of the week has exacerbated?

She isn't saying not wanting DS in the office is PND, she's saying previous PND potentially make her and DS sensitive to the idea of her not wanting him. It might be normal for adults not to want kids around when they're working but who would ever use the words mummy doesn't want to see you? It's cruel. Surely you just say - mummy's working now and she won't be able to hear the person she's talking to if we are making noise, let's go downstairs. Etc

OP you are not being unreasonable, your DH has been cruel and selfish. I think you need to have a proper talk about expectations on either side for how you operate as a team.

Maybe you need to reassess your relationship. If he isn't bringing enough to the table, help wise, caring wise, respect wise and acting like a teenager having a tantrum, you need to see if you would be better off having one less child to placate, feed and clean up after. The lack of respect for you and your work is disgusting.

He sounds like hard work, and I think you already work hard enough, to be totally honest.

Maybe counselling, if not to repair your relationship; to figure out how to start to live separately.

You don't have a partner.

You don't t have a co-parent.

Make it official.

Dump him.

He then had a go at me for not finishing work to allow him to make the children some tea. I explained I hadn’t had chance for a dinner break today so could take my 30 mins so he could get them something sorted if he was really that stressed about it

What was the problem? Why can’t he have the children and make their tea? It’s not a 2 person sport. All parents manage this by themselves, it’s not impossible! How does he think everyone else does it? Single parents, parents where one is still travelling home from work at kids dinner time, where one parent takes it as an opportunity to go out do the weekly shop while the other gets the children’s tea while also looking after them. What is wrong with him?

OP, the only thing I can think to say is you deserve so much better than this man.

I am not saying LTB but if things don’t change soon I think you will check out of this relationship.

He appears to be someone with little ambition, just going through the motions, pretending to be a parent and wanting his wife to follow in his footsteps.
He doesn’t seem able to do any parenting without getting someone else involved

He can’t look after the children and keep them downstairs whilst you are working

He can’t make dinner for dc because he can’t keep an eye on the dc and put things into the oven and pans at the same time

I would make a note of that so when you do get divorced you can explain to a judge that he is not capable of doing more than a few hours at a time as he can’t prepare a meal for dc on his own

Calling for ds to go downstairs over and over whilst watching him cry, instead of picking dc up and taking him downstairs after the 2nd refusal just shows what an ineffective parent he is.

He sounds pathetic.

What can he actually do

Where is he making your life better.

It sounds like he just creates work and stress.

You’ve misunderstood me. I referred to the PND as I think it has made OP over sensitive to what is a perfectly normal remark and she has so much to be genuinely angry about but this remark is not one that was cruel or hurtful.

He didn’t use the words “mummy doesn’t want to see you”

The OP said
“he made a comment about mummy not wanting him there when I was working”

There being in the home office.

Yeah you might word it slightly differently and longer…but you’re not coming up with what to say in the moment of dealing with quickly removing a crying child who has barged in on a frustrated partner in the middle of a virtual meeting who just wants to finish her job for the day in peace while the rest of the children are unattended creating who knows what mess downstairs.

Yeah. I bet there are heaps of other ways he sabotages you.

Stop cleaning up after him

Speak to fil ask him if he woukd feel comfortable still helping with childcare if you split

He sounds like a nasty moron who is bullying you.
This is not a good dynamic for you or your children.
He deliberately uses the children to upset you and winds the children up too.
Good men and fathers do not behave like this.
I doubt his foul behaviour is in isolation either.
Keep that job, you need it.
Keep family and friends close too.
Do not WFH again and take a hard look at your relationship.
He sounds toxic.

I had missed your last post.
You are in a highly abusive relationship OP.
You need to talk to Women's aid for advice and support.
Stop putting yourself through this.

Am I missing something here? I’m not really happy with him for many reasons at the moment but this is just something that’s really annoyed me

Yes you have. Your bloke has you in your place in his head. He doesn't respect your work and expects you to put him and the kids needs before it.

What it's saying to you and you should say to him, that you no longer can work from home so will be out of the house from now on.

Or get a wedge for the door so he can't open itm

There’s no way you can work from home with all those people in your house. Your h’s behaviour was ridiculous.

If you do need to work from home can you put the dc in nursery then collect them after work?