He told his therapist im being horrible

[Freshlinen4]

Long term relationship. Hes gone back into cocaine which is a good enough reason to end it i know. He wont admit it. Wont tell me. But i see it all. I know alot more than he realises. Hes blown all his savings. Hes always been depressed but hes in some sort of heavy depression.

For weeks on end ive been working and struggling to sleep. When he got paranoia i was the one checking in on him. Talking it through. I did tell him certain people were no good for him! I have tried so hard to get the truth.

This last 2 days weve spent 48 hours together. There was no drug use. I found some sort of weird peace. He was calm. Kind. We enjoyed some peace.

Then today hes gone moody and quiet. Slept loads. I fucked up by saying i felt like we were never going to be how we once were. This resulted in him "ending it" saying i dont understand depression. He then told me he was telling his therapist the other day what a nightmare i am.

I dont know how to take that? Am i a nightmare?

He's allowed to tell his therapist whatever he likes.

Do you want to stay?

You're a saint, but maybe you ned to think whether this relationship is good for you. If it was your sister what would you say.

Does it matter? You're not happy and this isn't a good relationship. Just time to walk away.

Well, to him, absolutely. You don't like him using drugs, you have highlighted people who are not good for him, you probably get a bit frustrated by having to be his emotional punching bag. so to him, you absolutely are a nightmare.

But no, you are just a woman who, it sounds like, has reached the end of her tether and needs to get away from this man.

It does not matter what he thinks or tells the therapist
Just leave him

You had me at " cocaine " why invite crap into your life?

Just dump him. Get rid.

He can tell his therapist the earth is flat and pink elephants are unicycling past the window if he feels like it. It's none of your concern.
It's up to you if you want to stay with him. But if he won't even admit to you that he's using cocaine, I doubt any number of therapists are going to be able to assist him.
From what you've briefly said here you're not a 'nightmare', he may see it that way.
When he feels you're trying to stop him using cocaine. If this is a deal breaker you have to tell him so. But he won't just be able to quit at the drop of a hat, and he won't stay clean if he's only doing it BC you told him to.

Ive done all i can to keep him on track and ita not really my job. Everytime he gets paid any money he chooses himself and never me. He has had £8000 this year go in 5 weeks. Not one single penny on me.

I know he can tell his therapist im part of the problem. But the actual problem is cocaine and past issues from his child hood and marriage. Focusing on me seems like hes not looking at the big issues here.

He can tell his therapist whatever he likes.

Telling takes about you to his therapist isn’t the weapon he thinks it is. Why the fuck would you care, they have no power over you and you give zero shits what they think about you.

They aren’t going to come round your house and tell you off are they. They might introduce him to The Drama Triangle and point at the victim position and say “that’s you” though 😂

Who’s he gonna tell woe is me tales to next? His mummy?

Sounds like an exhausting nightmare, peace should be the default, not a noteworthy interlude.

Ive lost him to drugs havent i. Now he hates me flr caring.

My gut is screaming at me as i care so much but we no longer have the same morals.

Think thats the point. The therapist wont know hes on drugs and now thinks hes in an abusive relationship when hes suffering from depression.

I have such an urge to ring just to know hes ok

Of course he can tell his therapist whatever he likes. And of course he can also tell you a massive pack of lies about what he's told his therapist. Who cares what the therapist thinks, or whether they know he's on drugs - although if they are any good they'll be able to spot the signs anyway.

He is a drug addict. Why would you even begin to consider that you are in any way horrible, just because he says so?

Yes, you have lost him to drugs. Women are not rehab centres for men. You are not responsible for his welfare, and you are not his therapist either. He has one. Let them work on him.

Meanwhile, you have to walk away from this relationship for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing.

This is not depression.

This is addiction.

The depression is nothing more than a byproduct.

You cannot save him from this, the only thing you can reliably do (which I don't recommend) is stand there and be used as a regular punching bag and scapegoat for all the problems he's experienced as a result of his own addiction.

People like this need to make the choice that they are going to sort this out themselves. You can't drag them out of it anymore than you can swim the length of the arctic with a millstone attached to your ankle. It will drag you down and you will drown. It will cost you your sanity, your life and then guess who will be dealing with actual depression? You.

Addicts absolutely will farm out the responsibilty to other people, they will be perpetual victims of other people, they will do this in order to deny at all costs the one thing they are committed to: Their addiction. If they admit anything, they have to face their addiction, give it up, walk away from it and deal with it and all the pain that comes along with withdrawal and learning to live a life without the source of their addiction.

By definition you've lost him to this if he chooses not to address it and take responsibility. He doesn't need a therapist for depression, he needs a fucking rehab program.

Have you read anything on codependency OP? I really suggest you read up on it, you might find it very enlightening.

Just leave him alone.

It is good he is seeing a therapist.
It doesn’t matter what he tells her.

You are enabling this behaviour and you can either do better for yourself or carry on in this shit show.

I read that twice. I need to read it every time i doubt it.

Ive seen the cycle.

Gets money
Binges until moneys gone and rarely bothers with.
Money goes. Mood swings. Wanting money. Sleep issues.
Depression gets bad.
Remains low and without sex drive for months until a chunk of money arrives.
Repeat.

In the middle of it all im all he has. I am running around trying to keep him safe to be told im making his whole life harder as i wont stop giving him a hard time.
3 hours of silence and i am praying hes not suicidal. How fucked up is my brain 😔

Is it possible to be co deoendant as a one off. Because ive never taken crap before this relationship.

Look I am so sorry you're dealing with this I really am.

But please remember this very very very heavy suitcase you are carrying around. It isn't yours.

I know hes made me feel emotionally responsible for him. I know what i need to do but i end up so anxious about suicide, going downhill etc that i am petrified.

The last time i got 2 days into silence but he reached out. I felt so lost and lonely and low that i wanted to fill the void.

I work but if its my days off i seem to crumble.

I am truthfully not suprised that you are crumbling. You are extremely worried, you are probably an emotional wreck because you are worried about him and about yourself.

The best thing you can do in situations like this is distance yourself as much as possible but still be there in a crisis. I don't know if that is possible for you to do.

Please remember that everything he says is not about you, it's about what is going on with him, but please don't use that as an excuse to let him use you as a punching bag. Dont' fall into the trap that love will win out in this. That's a horrible truth and I am sorry.

You sound like a really amazing person, and I hope you take that to heart.

You really really do desperately need to give yourself some love and care at this particular time, this person is draining you. You need some distance, some peace and to give yourself some grace.

Something you could consider if you wanted to is to get some therapy just for yourself? Because this is one situation where I really think having a person to talk this out with would be absolutely beneficial to you. You are dealing with a lot, and absolutely none of it is your fault.

Can you go and visit friends or something on your days off?

You need to delete all of his texts and phone calls etc so if you feel the need to reach out to him there is no way to get hold of him because you won’t have his number.

I had therapy 6 months ago and after 7 sessions i was ashamed of myself as i kept getting so far and then did not want to admit to the therapist id still not left him. She wss patient and did not judge she said she ws there for however long it took. But i figured i need to do it myself.

Im worn out. Ive been sad alot. I wake up and my conscience shouts at me and my hearts pounding thinking how terrible it is im in this situation. Then i feel guilty and sorry for him when he cant afford food. Its so hard to refuse to help someone eat. But i know he could eat.

I have work the next 3 days so i will switch off. Work is the only place i stop thinking.

@Freshlinen4
I've been there, you can't fix him, most of the time you can't even help him. You might think you are but you are not. Please trust me, it sucks you in too, but once you are away from him, in the cold light of day, you won't feel guilty, you won't feel sorry for him, you'll simply see him for the addict he is and wonder what you ever saw in him.