He told his therapist im being horrible

[Freshlinen4]

Long term relationship. Hes gone back into cocaine which is a good enough reason to end it i know. He wont admit it. Wont tell me. But i see it all. I know alot more than he realises. Hes blown all his savings. Hes always been depressed but hes in some sort of heavy depression.

For weeks on end ive been working and struggling to sleep. When he got paranoia i was the one checking in on him. Talking it through. I did tell him certain people were no good for him! I have tried so hard to get the truth.

This last 2 days weve spent 48 hours together. There was no drug use. I found some sort of weird peace. He was calm. Kind. We enjoyed some peace.

Then today hes gone moody and quiet. Slept loads. I fucked up by saying i felt like we were never going to be how we once were. This resulted in him "ending it" saying i dont understand depression. He then told me he was telling his therapist the other day what a nightmare i am.

I dont know how to take that? Am i a nightmare?

He doesn’t give a shit about you. He’s only interested in what you can do for him.

its a massive waste of energy snooping and trying to catch him out. It gets you nowhere so just stop it.

its a massive waste of energy snooping and trying to catch him out. It gets you nowhere so just stop it

You've seen as much as you need to see, haven't you?

Thank you. I dont behave like it in any other areas of my life. I know its become my way of protecting myself. Ive become a detective spying on him as i know the truth wont ever come from him.

Hes been on whatsapp constantly today. I know i should not be looking. But at least i have made it through today. Im in bed now and tomorrow is a completely new day and my first chance to do a full day with no communication. If i get that far then i have gone further than ever.

This time of night is niggly. I am starting to feel the hurt over him not messaging me again. It was his birthday 3 days ago and i spoilt him and it really goes to show. But i must keep focused on the way i want to go and not be weak and give up. Im reading these posts now to remind me im doing the right thing.

I cant thank everyone enough for their amazing advice and helping me break it down

He's still thinking about it all from his own perspective though, isn't he?

You mean the world to him. Because of what you do for him.

He feels sorry for you. Because he knows what you have to put up with.

Does he do anything to change his behaviour? No.

@Freshlinen4 I’m sorry you are experiencing this. How did you meet your partner? Did his marriage end due to his cocaine addiction ?

It sounds like your addiction is him. He says whatever bullshit he needs to say to keep you around “helping" him and you lap it up.

You are defining yourself through him. What do YOU want? What would 11 year old you think of the today you?

This is so perfectly put and great advice I think, not just for this OP.

I think there may be some omissions here. What happened with his previous wife/partner. Where did you fit into that? Without wanting to sound unkind, it reads as though you have a bit of a saviour complex. In what way did you think you could help him that his wife couldn’t? The red flags were surely there. How did his wife feel about his health and addictions, did you try talking to her?

What would be a better way to protect yourself is to remove yourself from that situation completely though.
Its only a protection mechanism because your default position is that you have to stay.

So the question then becomes:
Why do you think you need to sat with him?

Reading your posts OP is making my head spin. Aren’t you exhausted second guessed yourself, making excuses for his awful behaviour ?
This man is in love with “cocaine”. He will do anything for her. Even use you so he can have more of her.
This destructive cycle won’t end unless you jump off the merry go round . It will just until one or both of you get hurt.
I think you need to go back to therapy and be honest. This man is like a drug to you.
You mention having other addicts in your family is this distorting your perception of self and healthy relationships?

Ultimately it’s your choice OP but remember we can only change ourselves not other people .
You can’t “save this man” and it sounds like he’s happy living as an addict

So found him on fb today added 3 tarty porn looking women and his dads ex wife. Ive shamed him. Hes blocked me but bringing my stuff to dump on my doorstep tonight within the hour apparently. So we shall see.

Yes im suffering now. Im exhasuted. At rock bottom and clinging to the fact i have children and a job and peace ahead of me. I am scared of the pain. The silence. The loneiness. But im alone anyway. So im resdy but nervous.

The loneliness get better when you leave, not worse, because finally you have someone on your side. Someone who listens to your gut. Someone who actually steps in and acts on what you know is best for you. That someone is you.

The recognition that you can and will take difficult steps to improve your life and wellbeing will decrease your anxiety, and enable you to step into other challenging situations. 'Don't worry, I've got your back' is all you need to hear, and the person you need to hear it from the most is yourself.

Do it to stop your suffering and exhaustion. Do it in support of you. Show you that give a shit about you.

Thank you. He never dropped my stuff off. I need to kerp busy now for a few days. Its time to keep strong..i have to do it now

Even if you were a nightmare, you're not his jailor... he's free to fuck off if he wants to wake up from you. You can have that one!

Keep strong @Freshlinen4
You can do that. You are strong enough!

Sending strength your way!!

Well done OP and keep thinking about the peace ahead of you.

He messaged this morning saying he would fetch my stuff after 4. I told him no. I dont need none of it. He can leave me alone.

Well done @Freshlinen4

The more space you get between you and him, the better you will feel.