He told his therapist im being horrible

[Freshlinen4]

Long term relationship. Hes gone back into cocaine which is a good enough reason to end it i know. He wont admit it. Wont tell me. But i see it all. I know alot more than he realises. Hes blown all his savings. Hes always been depressed but hes in some sort of heavy depression.

For weeks on end ive been working and struggling to sleep. When he got paranoia i was the one checking in on him. Talking it through. I did tell him certain people were no good for him! I have tried so hard to get the truth.

This last 2 days weve spent 48 hours together. There was no drug use. I found some sort of weird peace. He was calm. Kind. We enjoyed some peace.

Then today hes gone moody and quiet. Slept loads. I fucked up by saying i felt like we were never going to be how we once were. This resulted in him "ending it" saying i dont understand depression. He then told me he was telling his therapist the other day what a nightmare i am.

I dont know how to take that? Am i a nightmare?

OP he can afford food. He chooses to spend his money on drugs.
With the best of intentions by staying in his life you are help enabling this addiction. You are consumed with guilt that you are not doing enough.
With an addict nothing is enough. Nothing.
You will end up so poorly mentally and physically with no resources left.
And he won’t care because he’s an addict.
His therapist? Good therapists can see through all of the crap, and he won’t get anything out of therapy if he doesn’t hold himself to account, and while he is using.
People don’t take cocaine use/addiction seriously but it’s hideous.
And a note about suicide. This is NOT your concern. That sounds cruel but you are not responsible for this man’s welfare especially while he is using.
If you are not around, you cannot feed his behaviours and then only he can choose what to do next.
Save yourself.

I so desperately need to get to that point or i know ill die young or become miserable. Im already half way to misery. I need to read peoples real experiences like yours. Because its so so hard i feel so alone and disturbed. Im always scared. My brain is 24/7 stuck on him. I used to love life nobody was taking over my brain. I dont know who to talk to in real life.

Time to focus on yourself and what you need @Freshlinen4 . I would get yourself to an online Nar Anon meeting (Nar Anon is like Al Anon, the support organisation for the friends and families of addicts). Why not have a look also at Codependency Anonymous UK - the leaflet 'Am I Co-dependent' will probably be helpful for you: coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Am-I-Co-Dependent-Bro-4002.pdf

I would contact your therapist again, and explain you were embarrassed about not having left him, even though she was clear the timetable was up to you.

Detach with love. Remember the three Cs:

• you didn't cause this
• you can't control it
• you can't cure it.

Best of luck in finding a way back to yourself.

@Freshlinen4 you are always welcome to inbox me. The feelings you describe are because you are so invested in this because you are a kind and caring person. A little clarity and distance makes the world of difference.

This

@tribpot this is a lovely message and sums it up perfectly

Thank you so many good points. I have done all i can. I buy all the food. I cover any bills he cant cover. I pay for his fags. I have phoned gps. Crisis team. Paramedics. Ive researched. Promised him as long as hes honest ill stay but he will need help. I listen. I lie stroking his head when he is sweating and having night terrors. I listen to the same old stories about how hard his life has always been. Dont think hes ever asked for my stories growing up or about my first jobs etc. Its never been about me. On beautiful days we cant go to the beach. I can go. But everytime im out living my life it hurts me si deeply that hes not a part of it.

I need to remind myself this is enabling by staying. I am not respnsible for his life choices. I guess i am scared of the day i hear hes dead. Im scared how ill live out the rest of my life knowing hes gone. What if i spend the rest of my life remembering the sweet side and feeling if id stayed he would be still alive.

Are the al anon meetings online did you say? That would be a good first step wouldnt it? I need to be around people that get it as i will find more strength in that i think.

He needs focused addiction help to get to the underlying issues. For you, al anon might be good and therapy for your own support

You've made all these sacrifices and he's still taking drugs, so you are not the answer to his problems. If he's going to sort himself out he needs to drive it. He's a dreadful partner - they're supposed to enhance your life, not break you. Why aren't you concerned about your own well-being?

He still denies he uses. So doubt he will be telling his therapist hes snorted £8000 since feb.

Because i know nothing about drugs i dont know how much hes using to spend all that

Thats a good point hes still using. My presence hasnt helped him. He will carry on acknowleding the depression and denying drugs. Hes learned that he can use the depression as a defence to all the problems in our relationship.

It just upsets me. I go out and work and im living and hes just sat at home. Has no responsilbilty anymore. Never works now either.

Why are you allowing him to use depression as a defence? You know he's lying to you. It feels like you're waiting for him to suddenly see the light - it's not going to happen and you're wasting your life waiting.

@Freshlinen4 if his therapist is any good, they’ll know.
Seriously, they’ll know where the balance tips etc… from the way he is presenting things, the words he is using and so on.

But more to the point, even if he is telling his therapist it’s all your fault and they are getting the wrong impression. Does it matter??
It won’t change the outcome re your marriage.
It won’t change anything to your life
It will make it less likely for him to sort out his life if he is not honest. But there is nothing you can do about it. And really that’s his therapy. Not yours. That’s his loss, not yours.

Yeah i understand ive allowed so much to be gotten away with. I have been put into a situation that ive never come across. Ive nit got addicts in my family and all the men i have been around (apart from a couple of cheats) have been men who have functioned and led normal lives.

I am just talking it through to process it all. I am sorry i know how weak i seem. I am weak right now.

I agree
Sad but true.

Yes, meetings are available online. This is the support you need, from other people who are going through it.

This.

Don't get into relationships with losers.
This is your one and only life here on Earth. Why squander it?

No you are right. People dont change often. Even if they improve. Even when hes not on the drugs im dealing with his low mood and poor finances. I dont mean it to sound rude but to have sex 4 times a week to once every 3 months. To loose all closeness. He would rub my feet and be there all the time and now he sits there falling asleep. Any attempts i make are rejected or he takes what i give and doesnt return anything. Its all gone. The intimacy. The trust. The team.

I genuinely did not know until it was too late and when you have been together quite some time i guess you give it your all before quitting. It feels awful to leave someone because they are unwell. But when theres no signs of change like now i understand its time to let it go. Its awful all around. Choosing to wash your hands of someone you love is painful.

Another option for support is Smart Recovery - Family & Friends. They have online meetings and practical tools like setting and enforcing boundaries, being less codependent, putting yourself first. You meet people going through similar.

Thank you. I think itl really help to offload and just know people get it.

So he sent me messages last night all about himself and how his depression is making him. Then did not bother opening my reply and hes been using whatsapp at 4.30am. So there you go. Im not worth attention the one whos helped him but other people are.

Anyway ive blocked him for now. This is the exact reason im always anxious. First thing i did was check my phone to see if hes ok and he wad not bothered about me. Hes not bothered if im ok. So ive got to try keep away now. Wish me luck

How so you know the op is saint?

You knew he was into drugs? If so this is not a surprise but you now you won't stay so move on, you don't have the right to own what he tells people

Sure you don't have to agree with it and it could be all rubbish but we don't live with you so we only know yourside

So just get on with your own life?

I love people like you who are lucky enough to not have lived through it so think how essy you would find it.

Its one sided as its my side. I do get on his case. When £8000 goes and he asks me for money and hes faking loosing his card. When he is online all night. When he disapears and its me thinking where is he. Is he dead. When he tells you theres people starting on him. You have to weigh up if hes safe or if he will get hurt. Imagine doing the washing and finding stuff that implies drugs. Imagine finding stuff that implies cheating.

I will get on with my life. But if you think im going to just wake up anytime soon and skip around with a clear mind not caring about him i cant. Ive been screwed up in all this.

But i will try "just get on with my life"

Being constantly scared and anxious is a risk factor for developing permanent physical health problems due. Women are more likely to develop autoimmune disorders etc in response to stress, IBS too.
You need to focus on yourself and detaching from him ASAP no matter how hard it is.