He told his therapist im being horrible

[Freshlinen4]

Long term relationship. Hes gone back into cocaine which is a good enough reason to end it i know. He wont admit it. Wont tell me. But i see it all. I know alot more than he realises. Hes blown all his savings. Hes always been depressed but hes in some sort of heavy depression.

For weeks on end ive been working and struggling to sleep. When he got paranoia i was the one checking in on him. Talking it through. I did tell him certain people were no good for him! I have tried so hard to get the truth.

This last 2 days weve spent 48 hours together. There was no drug use. I found some sort of weird peace. He was calm. Kind. We enjoyed some peace.

Then today hes gone moody and quiet. Slept loads. I fucked up by saying i felt like we were never going to be how we once were. This resulted in him "ending it" saying i dont understand depression. He then told me he was telling his therapist the other day what a nightmare i am.

I dont know how to take that? Am i a nightmare?

You cannot help or change him but you can change yourself. If you are unwilling to do that then you need to ask yourself why that is.

Im trying so hard. Had an arsy message off him ive not replied. Im trying to see today as my first day single. I need so much support to keep strong. Ive had enough and i need to find happiness again. I dont know who i am now or what i like to do.

Until you realise he loves cocaine more than you, you won't leave.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Others have already said it all. You haven't failed. There's nothing you can do that's going to change him. He has to want to give up the drugs, and until he does, then he won't change. He isn't going to suddenly realise all you've done for him and all the sacrifices you've made, and all the distress he's put you through, and think that he has to sort himself out, and do it for you.

Thank you. I know its a small step. But he sent me a message at 10am saying im already starting (i was ignored last night but he was on whatsapp at 4am)

I have not responded to his message and its been 5 hours. Im hoping to get on with my day and evening and hopefully get into bed and go to work tomorrow and if i can do that ive got day 1 sorted.

I am going to read this post again as so many posts have given me an ahhh moment and it really does give me courage.

I know the peace i will feel will be so worth it long term. Once im out of that mindset of worrying. I realise how much i dont want it now. But my brain lets me down sometimes and i need a way to handle those guilty thoughts or anxious thoughts as they come up.

Is silence good? Does that show better strength than explaining?

You're not weak. You've been strong, and then strong again, and then strong some more, for a long time. You're only weak like someone who has climbed a mountain: because you simply cannot keep applying superhuman strength endlessly.

But the actual problem is cocaine and past issues from his child hood and marriage. Focusing on me seems like hes not looking at the big issues here

Quite. And think about how big those issues are. That's the weight of negativity that's being put on your shoulders, to carry. You represent, to him, all the negativity of his childhood abuse, and failed marriage. How are you supposed to bear it? Nobody could.

Thats true. I have tried to be humane and strong and suportive because we all need help when we are ill. I understand hes ill. He acuses me constantly of not understanding depression and that i dont listen. Im very compassionate and a safe place. My line of work is all about caring for so many different people in various stages of various illness so i do have that empathy. But he sees me as someone who cant grasp how much hes suffering. But i dont think its fair anymore to ask me to accept no life, no sex. No plans and to just sit on the sofa with him whilst he snores and tells me whats wrong all the time. My needs have been neglected way back into last year. The loneliness from going from a good sex life to him sitting next to me with not so much as a foot rub. I finish work and im tired and he never thinks what he could do for me. He borrowed money on my birthday last year. He took £80 into town and i waited for him to return. He came back with no present and said it was because he had seen a variety of things and needed me to show him on his phone. Then he stalled showing me by using the bathroom and having tea. Then half hour before the shop shut he was like ohhhh it will close before i get there. I cannot describe how pathetic i felt and how worthless i felt. He has had money 3 times since then and not a single penny went on me. Not even £10. How do you even process you wasnt worth a penny and seeing me happy was not important to him. I mean use £60 for drugs and spare me £20. But nothing. God the more i think the more angry i feel

But i dont think its fair anymore to ask me to accept

Does he ask you? Or do you just stay, and hope things will improve? I mean, when's the last time he asked you for something that only you could give him? Something that wasn't fags or money, or some other practical form of support. When's the last time he told you he wanted connection with you?

He is treating you like his whipping boy.

Everything wrong in his life he blames on you, despite you desperately doing everything you possibly can to help him.

You care too much. Please don't martyr yourself any more.

He goes through occasional appreciations of me where he will say i mean the world to him and say he feels sorry for me. He does occasionally confess. But i cant think of a time he was enagaging in me as number 1.

Yes, I understand that. But you answered a different question to the one I asked: When was the last time he told you he wanted a connection with you? When's the last time he asked you for something resembling emotional closeness?

What was your childhood like, @Freshlinen4 ? Were your parents loving and kind, and respectful of your feelings? Or were you second best to something, or told to hush a lot, or were your feelings dismissed? Were you abused?

Im working on it. 8 hours now ive remained silent

I honestly dont recall anything for a long time. I was never abused no. Mums abit of an ice queen but she looked after us. I was very lonely when i met him and thought a more masculine character was what i needed. Id always gone out with soft men who never knew how to lead and i felt at first he was strong and capable. I was clearly attracted to him but created a future in my head that cant and wont ever be.

👏👏👏
Thats great @Freshlinen4

fwiw I think it’s BECAUSE you are so empathetic that you are still there.
Despite what he says (and you know he is unlikely to have a clear view of what’s going on), the reality is that someone with no empathy would have told him to get lost a long time ago.

There is such a thing as over empathy though. And it sounds like you are absorbing all his emotions and making them yours. The anxiety, the fear etc… that are plaguing your life just now. Are they truly yours or are they his?

If you’re quite used to care for other unwell people, you might know what I’m talking about. When someone in front of you comes in sad, anxious, fearful,agd sudden,y you can feel those emotions yourself even though you have no reason to feel like that?

Did the ice queen freeze you out sometimes when you wanted/needed emotional closeness?

Focusing on me seems like hes not looking at the big issues here.

Likewise! Your focus on him is an excuse for not looking at the bigger issue here, your codependency.

Contact your therapist and stop making excuses for choosing to stay in a situation that is detrimental to your wellbeing.

He's punishing you right now OP by leaving and ending it and he wants you to be begging him back so he has even more power over you. When you need someone to fill a void in you (as you said on page one) then it is never going to be a healthy functional relationship. A relationship needs to add to you in a positive way, not fill a huge hole in you. You need to find ways to fix that hole yourself.

"The more I think, the more angry I feel".

Good. Keep thinking.
He blames his depression, his past, and you for not 'understanding' (ie let him do whatever the hell he wants, including taking your money) - it's all everyone else's fault, never his.

You've done your best and I applaud you for that. Now I think you realise it's time to let him go. I urge you to check out the support organisations mentioned upthread. I don't know how national PROPS is, but they're good too. Look after yourself, reach out to friends, make plans, something to look forward to. I hope you keep him blocked, it's hard I know.

Yeah i guess im a fixer. But through work i get thanked and i know im appreciated. Yeah i think i do take on his emotions. He has trained me to feel responsible. When he cant pay for his phone bill or hes facing bare cupboards. Hes never made the calls when hes needed to and so ive fallen into that role. I always feel like if i dont do xyz he will die, starve, get attacked or kill himself so i guess ive learned to "prevent it" but i guess what you are saying is i keep passing him oven gloves and he keeps touching the door without them and then i run with a bag of ice to his aid. (Not sure where that thought came from) i feel like im waking up alot.

Hes remained silent since that message at 10am. So have i. So it seems hes also feeling like me. We need to be apart now.

God she was awful made me feel silly and pathetic for having any emotions. Hugs were not her style. She makes me feel like a pillock alot. Im trying to work out if thats caused me to save this man for so long.

I understand you. In a healthy realtionship you commuincate and have healthy conversations and acknowledge eachothers feelings. You dont stone wall and ignore the other person. I feel a little edgy and irritable tonight. But ive had quite a strong mind this afternoon. Ive kept busy after work and played some music. I feel like hes made me feel so irritating that im going to let him feel the silence and i hope it makes him feel happy being left alone. Im sure in his mind im being cruel to him and his depression is so strong but hes made his choices.

I suggest OP you read the book entitled "Codependency for Dummies", written by a brilliant marriage and family therapist, Darlene Lancer.
It is actually a workbook on recognizing what the signs are of codependency , how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself and especially how to love yourself and have healthy relationships.

This book has taught me so much about myself and why some of us allow ourselves to put up with second rate relationships.

Do you think ive been controlling? I feel almost ashamed of my behaviour. Ive learned where he hides things so as soon as the oppurtunity arises i look. Everytime theres more evidence of deciept. Then hes trying to suss my mood out..then i let rip at him and sound like a psycho snooping about. I feel like i invade his privacy but hes made me this way. Ive never had these issues before. Ill look up the book. Thanks.

Stop looking for faults in yourself. It's not black and white. Sane people do crazy things when under pressure. Stupid people do clever things. Slow people do fast things. Kind people do mean things.

Whatever you've done or not done is a representation of you in this situation, so if you've done things you don't like or wouldn't normally do, that's an indication that the situation isn't good for you, rather than an indication of who you are or what you're like.

Let yourself off the hook, and recognise that if unhealthy things have happened, it's because there's been an unhealthy situation. Recognise that your responsibility is towards getting yourself into a healthy situation, rather than looking after him. That will be the end of co dependency.

This relationship isn't a reflection of you, and its failure isn't your failure. It just hasn't worked for you, because you've been treated in ways that bend you out of shape.