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Original poster

Why would a guy.... ?

100 replies

pubertyalloveragain · 18/07/2024 21:48

Met a guy a year ago, struck up a friendly rapport. He reached out a bit asking me to do this, didn't think anything of it.

Had a six week thing, the ex who if never heard of got in touch. He was with her for four years. And so that was the end of us until he kept reaching out, never confirming he was with his ex and eventually admitting he didn't say so as he knew I wouldn't see him if I knew.

We have seen eachother platonically a few times this year. A couple of romantic moments instigated by him which I immediately stopped. It was only a short time we had our thing so in ways I tried to be friends as really enjoy his company (even though he lied) and in hindsight wasn't in the best place. And alas I got I supposed a bit attached.

A year on he still gets in touch. Why???? I knock him back explaining I've no desire to be a number 2 or whatever, can't really be his friend. It's god damn hard as I really miss hanging out with him but I know I have strong feelings for him. He is relentless though. Texted me first thing on my birthday, I said thanks, I know he was warming me up again to see if we could hang out.

Why why - of course the very stupid part of my brain think oh we are destined very very occasionally and then the rest of the time, I move on. Then he gets in touch again and then I am set back and miss him again if though I don't agree to see him. I know intermittent reinforcement etc, but I genuinely miss his company and this is so hard.

I don't want to block him, I see him about too much for that. But I just want to understand why he still wants to see me.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 19/07/2024 00:34

Is he still in a relationship with the same woman?

Warriorworrier · 19/07/2024 00:55

Hi OP, not sure if I read your post right.

Is it that he’s got back with his ex after seeing you for 6 weeks but he is still trying to hook up with you under the pretence of ‘hanging out as friends’?

Pinkbonbon · 19/07/2024 01:01

Because he wants either a shag or, an ego stroke.

It's not difficult op.
He's as shallow as a teaspoon.

He can't even take 'no' and leave you alone. Frankly, that's creepy.

Block him. So what if you see him around? I see my neighbour a lot too. We don't need to be buddies.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2024 01:03

He's hedging his bets on getting a shag out of you. He's playing you for a fool.

MorrisseyGladioli · 19/07/2024 01:05

He's probably interested to see if he's still "got it" (meaning yes, he's after sex)

RogueFemale · 19/07/2024 01:10

You can find a much much better guy than this loser. So go out there and make sure you value yourself.

Thisoldchestnut · 19/07/2024 01:28

He's clearly keeping you on his radar in case he splits with his gf again, and part of me wonders if you quite like the attention he shows you 😉. I can honestly say, if you really said no to him and meant it, he'd scarper. Start respecting yourself a bit more for starters.

BouquetGarni224 · 19/07/2024 05:01

Sex, ego stroke, backup?

Maybe he likes to have more than one woman on the go. There are men like that.. Always at least 2 women on the go.

All you need to know is that he didn't choose your fledgling relationship when the ex got back on the scene (if she was ever off the scene). And he hasn't chosen it since.

He's just tried it on with another woman every now and then and tried to keep her interested/keep her on the line.

So he's not treating his gf right, and he's not treating you right.

If he'd "chosen" s relationship with you back then, you'd be the one he was doing this to.

Clearly not a guy who does monogamy very well. Therefore he's not a potential partner, unless you are a polyamorist.(Even then they're supposed to be honest, which I doubt he is).

You can block him.
You don't owe him anything. He's acting very poorly.

Or at the very least, take ages to reply to him and reply very minimally. Keep doing that and he'll drop out

All he's doing is checking his fishing lines to see if you're still hooked on there. It would be best to unhook yourself and go and find a man who's actually single (and not a potential cheater, it sounds like he's tried it on either you more than once since getting back with his ex - if they were ever truly finished).

BouquetGarni224 · 19/07/2024 05:12

Also some people in relationships that are a bit on off/sketchy/have issues (which if he was truly finished with his gf when he got involved with you might be the case with theirs) - always want a backup.

If things aren't going particularly well or that have a fight or there's tension etc. They are straight onto their backup to see if they've got a potential somebody, should it end. They can't be single or alone for 5 mins.

It doesn't mean they'll ever actually end the relationship, they just like to have a backup, just in case. It makes them feel in a secure position.Like they have a card up their sleeve. Like their partner doesn't have total power over them. And they're not going to have to face heartbreak etc. cold turkey.

You however, are not benefitting from being his backup in any way. You're left confused and a bit hurt and feeling second best etc. You're not fully emotionally available for other relationships. You're distracted and a bit hung up. You're getting the crumbs of someone's else's relationship instead of having a loaf of bread (your own relationship). Forget about him and focus on meeting other men. Don't let him bread crumb you and even try to cheat with you/use you as the other woman.

"never confirming he was with his ex and eventually admitting he didn't say so as he knew I wouldn't see him if I knew"

This is pretty despicable behaviour, showing a distinct lack of traits you want in a long term partner; like honesty, integrity, decency, good boundaries, respect for other people etc.
He's shown himself no good as a potential partner, even if he became single.

BouquetGarni224 · 19/07/2024 05:22

It's god damn hard as I really miss hanging out with him

No offence but you met him a year ago, had a six week fling, he got back with his ex (if he was even ever properly finished with her, cause you see how muddy his boundaries are and his "honest" he is) and have only had periodic contact since then (?) (,Even if you see him.around).

It was an acquaintance and a fling. He's not your long-term mate.

Have you got plenty of other social opportunities?

BouquetGarni224 · 19/07/2024 05:25

but I know I have strong feelings for him.

Why?

He's a liar and he's tried to cheat on his gf with you.

Put attraction and the fact he was the one that got away (chose to get away) to the side and see him as though your sister or mate had had a fling with him and recounted your story; what would your opinion be?

(I have a feeling ot round be that he's a bit of a fuck boi and to detach and not let him waste any more of your time or emotion. There are other men in the world. Time's a wastin).

Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 19/07/2024 11:43

Thanks everyone I know this is really bloody obvious. And it's only served to show me the shit place I've been in since my marriage break up. It's not sex, its this weird cerebral platonic friendship. The problem is that having shared interests and a lot to talk about was what I lacked for years and he served it up in spades but I obviously do recognise the shitty side. Thanks for the reinforcement.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 19/07/2024 12:28

He needs to be replaced by someone/ something more rewarding. You are mistaking his intermittent contact for him being interested in you with the real reasons other posters have explained. Easily done if he’s not replaced.

Do you only see him out and about on his own or with his GF. If the latter I might cheerfully introduce myself to her. If he looks annoyed, I would say “Ah, you haven’t told her about me. Well it’s nice to have met you GF.” And toddle off.

If he really just wants to be friends with you it shouldn’t be a problem

BouquetGarni224 · 19/07/2024 12:36

The problem is that having shared interests and a lot to talk about was what I lacked for years and he served it up in spades

You can get that from other people.

People you haven't shagged, whom you don't have romantic feelings for, who aren't trying to CHEAT on their gf with you, and make you their side-piece, if & when they feel like it.

(Though I suppose you could have the romantic feelings if they are actually single).

Never be someone's side piece or option or backup.

Not unless you're using them the same way and can handle that.
Neither of which seem to apply to you.

5128gap · 19/07/2024 12:57

Because he's not secure in his relationship with his ex and needs to keep you in the wings in case she dumps him again. Or because he likes how much you're into him and doesn't want to lose the ego boost. What it's highly unlikely to mean is that there's some huge pull towards you that he simply can't resist despite being in a relationship with someone else and eventually he will succumb and be yours, because its meant to be. Because its almost never that.

HopSkipJump24 · 19/07/2024 13:07

I think women can be quite vulnerable to these sorts of men following a marriage break up. OP he's not your soul mate, you aren't destined to be, he comes across as exciting because he's a player. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he just likes the attention you give him and without doubt is hoping for sex. These types of men are the lowest.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2024 13:12

A more beneficial question would be to ask yourself "Why am I giving this man my energy? What am I hoping he will give me, despite all evidence to the contrary - and what positive actions can I take today to move towards those things from another source?"

Comedycook · 19/07/2024 13:14

Ego boost or sex.

Don't overthink it

SamW98 · 19/07/2024 13:26

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2024 13:12

A more beneficial question would be to ask yourself "Why am I giving this man my energy? What am I hoping he will give me, despite all evidence to the contrary - and what positive actions can I take today to move towards those things from another source?"

Absolutely this. Hes shown you who he is OP - believe him.

Look at why you’re giving headspace to someone who sees you as a back up plan in case it goes wrong with his gf.

BananaLambo · 19/07/2024 13:28

He’s keeping you warm. I’d put money on him contacting you when he’s bored/drunk, had an argument with his girlfriend, or just fancies having his ego stroked. Remember, you are not his first choice. You are his back up plan, and you deserve much more. In your shoes I’d block him. All he’s doing is wasting your time and brain space.

Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 19/07/2024 14:36

Warriorworrier · 19/07/2024 00:55

Hi OP, not sure if I read your post right.

Is it that he’s got back with his ex after seeing you for 6 weeks but he is still trying to hook up with you under the pretence of ‘hanging out as friends’?

I dunno if he's trying to hook up. More just get as close to me as possible without crossing whatever lie he has in his head. Where I have that line in terms of relationship is very different to his. But yes the constant contact from him and ignoring my messages about not being in touch means he has no respect for my principles.

OP posts:
Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 19/07/2024 14:37

I don't enjoy the attention per say, but I do enjoy the connection and conversation. But I have to find that somewhere else now. It's hard to find!!

OP posts:
Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 19/07/2024 14:39

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2024 13:12

A more beneficial question would be to ask yourself "Why am I giving this man my energy? What am I hoping he will give me, despite all evidence to the contrary - and what positive actions can I take today to move towards those things from another source?"

I guess I am recklessly choosing not to look at the long term and whenever I give in (yes poor boundaries but he's relentless) I enjoy the meet up for what it is, usually a dip in the sea and a chat and that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 19/07/2024 14:39

BananaLambo · 19/07/2024 13:28

He’s keeping you warm. I’d put money on him contacting you when he’s bored/drunk, had an argument with his girlfriend, or just fancies having his ego stroked. Remember, you are not his first choice. You are his back up plan, and you deserve much more. In your shoes I’d block him. All he’s doing is wasting your time and brain space.

Totally agree with this

OP posts:
Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 19/07/2024 14:40

HopSkipJump24 · 19/07/2024 13:07

I think women can be quite vulnerable to these sorts of men following a marriage break up. OP he's not your soul mate, you aren't destined to be, he comes across as exciting because he's a player. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he just likes the attention you give him and without doubt is hoping for sex. These types of men are the lowest.

Honestly he is making me want to go back to my marriage in a way, he's put me off trusting anyone and tinted my view on men at this stage.

OP posts: