Husband told me I wasn’t cut out for pregnancy

[Barkermum2024]

So, this might be the pregnancy hormones but I wanted to get some more opinions. I have just been diagnosed with pelvic girdle pain. It is so severe that I struggle to walk sometimes and I’ve been referred to a physio therapist for help.
Sometimes it brings me down. I wonder why my body is struggling so much. I want so badly to be good at this and be good at being a mother. My logical brain knows that being in pain doesn’t mean I’m bad at being pregnant but sometimes I get a bit down when I’m in so much pain all the time.
Today I was walking to the bathroom and had to get on the floor of the kitchen because I was in so much pain and couldn’t make it. I called my husband to help assist me and he told me that maybe I wasn’t cut out for pregnancy.
this really hurt me. I’ve been crying about it since he said it and he knows it’s upset me. I want more children - we both do - and now I feel like a liability and I’m “bad” at being a pregnant woman.
he has apologized and I don’t hold it against him but I wondered if any other mums out there have felt the same way at all?

Mine is mental rather than physical but yes I know exactly what you mean. I longed for DC for years, and seeing the lines on the test was the most amazing feeling. I've always had issues with eating, and I have emetophobia, so the idea of morning sickness was awful, I always just brushed it off and thought I'd be fine through sheer force of will.
Long story short I ended up calling round eating disorder inpatient clinics to see if any of them would accept pregnant patients.
I ended up managing at home, but DH is adamant that we're one and done, because he can't bear to watch me "lying in bed dying" through another pregnancy.

I will say though that unless you've been a real strain on your husband in terms of needing extra support (and even then, to be honest) that that's just not an acceptable way to speak to your partner who is undertaking the 24/7 work of gestating your baby, for 9 months. He should feel bloody awful.

How far along are you? Yea it's hard work making a baby, well I found it hard but well worth it. Keep thinking of the end goal Xx

Don’t take it to heart. He could have said it in a nicer way but it’s true. Some people breeze through pregnancy with no issues at all, whereas for others it’s a long slog of 9 months carrying and nurturing our bodies to grow our amazing children.

pregnancy isn’t for everyone. Some women just struggle with pregnancy.

I wasn't cut out for pregnancy either, I had awful pre enclampsia. Not to mention awful pain all over. However I had 3 children and honestly feel I was a good mum to them. Although they're adults I'm still close to all of them.

Pregnancy is just a temporary tome in your life, although I realise I'd doesn't feel like it. Your husband was not particularly nice, well awful really in saying it but it doesn't mean you're failing it.

Oh I was dreadful at pregnancy- HG, SPD, gestational diabetes, hypertension...and the entire 9 months felt like an illness each time quite honestly. It really winds me up when people say "you're pregnant, not sick!" - sure, but I'm still vomiting 10+ times a day and sobbing in pain in bed at night because every time I roll over I feel like my pelvis is going to snap!! Anyway, I have 3 kids. The pain was worth it for me - I love being a mum and I adore the newborn stage. Struggling in pregnancy is no indication of struggling as a mum - in my experience it all gets a lot easier once they are here congratulations!

I'm terrible at being pregnant. Threw up constantly for months.

I'm a brilliant mum. Don't buy into the Earth Mother bullshit. Your body is doing something miraculous, that he can't do. Even if it's a bit shit it's better than any baby he can produce.

I don't like that comment at all. It implies some women are "better" than others at pregnancy when in reality the same woman could have one easy pregnancy and one cripplingly awful one (me).

Pregnancy is hard on the body and men will never ever understand the emotional, mental and physical load women bear. Don't take anything he says to heart, he doesn't have a clue. Sounds like you are a real warrior to be honest.

I was terrible at pregnancy too - HG, pelvic girdle pain, terrible terrible heartburn. Hated it, absolutely hated it. Love being a mum though and think I’m pretty good at it. Not having a straight forward pregnancy has no link to not being a good mum.

PGP is awful, you have my sympathies. Some bodies handle pregnancy easily, some don’t, it has ZERO bearing on your capacity and ability to be a mother, and there should be no moral judgement whether you develop these conditions or not. I’m going to assume he didn’t really think what he was saying would affect you, but I understand why it did!

I don’t think he meant it to hurt your feelings, he just wasn’t thinking before he spoke… classic!

And pelvic girdle pain is no joke! It can be completely debilitating and unfortunately it can continue on for months after the baby is born until your hormones start to regulate.

I would say you need to mentally separate pregnancy and motherhood. Some people love being pregnant and have an easy pregnancy. Others don’t. And no two pregnancies are the same, you can have a good one and a bad one.

I HATED being pregnant. I had terrible PGP like you, I had awful heartburn and nausea that only eased if I was eating (so I put on loads of weight!) and I’m normally a fit person so it really got me down. So I would say I’m terrible at pregnancy! But I tell you what, I am an excellent mother. Baby 2 is on the horizon and I love being a mother so much that I’m willing to put my body through that hell again.

Note this down and repeat it to yourself because there is so much pressure on first time mums; having a bad pregnancy doesn’t make you a bad mum, not getting the birth you hoped for doesn’t make you a bad mum, having a c-section doesn’t make you a bad mum, not being able to breastfeed or even just not wanting to breast feed does not make you a bad mum.

Loving your children and trying your best in spite of how hard it is is what makes you a good mum. No one is asking for perfect. You’ll do great.

What a prick. I was bad at pregnancy, but, if my 27 year old were to weigh in he would tell you that I was and am a great mum. One thing has nothing to do with each other.

I'm sorry your upset, but, yes it's probably the hormones that have trigger you. He probably meant it to be sympathetic think "oh you poor thing, your body really isn't enjoying pregnancy, is it, at least it only lasts 9 months" etc.

I also was terrible at being pregnant and am very apprehensive about the prospect of ever doing it again. PGP, ICP, premature rupture of membranes and early labour, and morning sickness that has caused me severe dental problems.

However, my midwife friend once told me people tend to get 1/3 bad: terrible pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding experience. And she was mostly right - my daughter popped out in a 1.5h straightforward virginal birth. Breastfeeding was pretty tough, too though, as I never made enough milk, but my baby latched and fed nicely from the start.

So I can say for certain that not being cut out for pregnancy has absolutely no bearing on what happens once you're in labour. Hang on in there, and give your husband a good hug! Do talk to him about your insecurities about becoming a parent though- we all have them, and the two of you will get through them most easily working as a team.

Hopefully this will help you feel more positive about the future - I had moderate pgp in my first pregnancy and none in my second. I don't know if it was running about after a toddler that kept me active to avoid it but just because you have it now it doesn't mean you would in the future.
In terms of what he said hopefully it was just a badly thought out comment that he regrets now he realises how it made you feel x

I had pgp during pregnancy and had to go on Mat leave early due to it. I was only 23 but I could not move without pain it's a weird feeling. I felt like my pelvis was not syncing up with what I wanted it to do. I was embarrassed to leave work early when other pregnant colleagues were going strong at 36+ weeks.

I'm sure people thought the same about me but to say it to you is unnecessary when it is out of your control. Some women sail through pregnancies and others have physical or mental health problems, luckily a lot of the health problems cease to exist after pregnancy. It doesn't define you in motherhood, it is a very short space of time in the grand scheme of your entire life. I hope he will be more careful with his words in future.

I’m definitely not cut out for pregnancy! 18 weeks today and hating every minute of it. I was sick for the first 13 weeks, could sleep for 24hrs a day, I cry over absolutely everything and I’m in pain all day long with sciatica (I had it long before pregnancy but I’m not allowed to take my usual painkillers anymore!)

I cannot wait for this to be over, I just keep reminding myself I’ll have a beautiful little boy by the end of it!

I was cut out for pregnancy first time
but not for childbirth- unusually narrow hips, big headed babies and c section after48 labouring and 1 cm dilation 🤣🤣🤣🤣

second time I was not cut out for pregnancy either - got full blown SPD

Ask your dh if he realises that every pregnancy is different, that growing a child from the ONE SINGLE CELL he contributed to a full 7lb or whatever of human flesh and bones and everything else, is something he’s not qualified to make judgement on if some parts of your body protest and struggle to do the enormous job they’re doing. growing a baby depletes all the resources your body has, and actually it’s the loosen g of ligaments etc preparing you for childbirth that’s given you this injury probably- so actually your body’s doing what it needs to do .

Tell him it’s like he’s just told (name of famous sports star he likes) that he’s not cut out for (that sport) becuase he got an injury in course of playing said sport in a single fixture once.

Is anyone cut out for pregnancy? I think it sucks monkeys balls me. Tell him to shut his yap in future.

Oh OP, it has nothing to do with being good at it. Birth isn't easy, it's very hard work which is why it's called Labour. And much of it is luck. That's why you have a delivery team. That's their job.

I had an easy pregnancy, then struggled for 44 hours to deliver ds, before they lost his heartbeat and I needed a crash team. We both came home healthy which is all that matters.
Wait calmly, listen to the doctors and look after yourself. Your dp -unsurprisingly- doesn't know what he's talking about.

Congratulations and good luck.

He sounds like an abusive prick. LTB

Fuck him. What a disrespectful thing to say. What does he expect you to do, stop being pregnant?

I love this analogy.

OP, pregnancy is shit. But also changeable very quickly (although it might not feel like it at the time). You'll probably feel very different in a few weeks.

Pregnancy is hard, the hardest thing in the world for some people. PGP is awful. Your husband has no experience of pregnancy so really isn’t qualified to have an opinion on this. I’m sorry you are struggling, I found acupuncture was the only thing that helped with pgp (I was on crutches) it really helped. My hospital offered it for free. Speak to your midwife.

you are cut out for this, it’s just really hard! He has no idea what he’s on about.

He's not exactly cut out for pregnancy either, though, is he?

Had PGP both times - ended up wearing a massive doubled up tubigrip from just above knee to underboob 23 hours a day - so much better than a pelvic belt. You can buy crutches off ebay.

I think that was a really shitty thing to say.

Yes some women breeze through agd others struggle much more. It doesn’t mean you’re not ‘cut out to be pregnant’!
Whats next? Not cut put to be a mother because you find it hard work?

In that case, tbh, I don’t think he is cut out to be a husband. Seem to have lost any compassion and care/love.

I had 3 x absolutely horrendous pregnancies, but 3 x perfect babies. I cried at everything when pregnant.

Once baby is here, your DH will be in awe of you for giving him a bubba and going through labour etc.

Let it go, for the sake of your mental health. Trust me x