Husband told me I wasn’t cut out for pregnancy

[Barkermum2024]

So, this might be the pregnancy hormones but I wanted to get some more opinions. I have just been diagnosed with pelvic girdle pain. It is so severe that I struggle to walk sometimes and I’ve been referred to a physio therapist for help.
Sometimes it brings me down. I wonder why my body is struggling so much. I want so badly to be good at this and be good at being a mother. My logical brain knows that being in pain doesn’t mean I’m bad at being pregnant but sometimes I get a bit down when I’m in so much pain all the time.
Today I was walking to the bathroom and had to get on the floor of the kitchen because I was in so much pain and couldn’t make it. I called my husband to help assist me and he told me that maybe I wasn’t cut out for pregnancy.
this really hurt me. I’ve been crying about it since he said it and he knows it’s upset me. I want more children - we both do - and now I feel like a liability and I’m “bad” at being a pregnant woman.
he has apologized and I don’t hold it against him but I wondered if any other mums out there have felt the same way at all?

I like your comparaison @Dartwarbler

But I have to say I have a huge issue with the fact women should to explain the situation in terms the poor little man can understand (using sports of course).
And that so many posters seem to think the OP is over reacting ‘due to hormones’.

The bar is low. Very low. And patriarchy has a long healthy life in front of it 😢

I was great at pregnancy, sailed through it all - I was completely shit at babies though, worst time of my life!

From the NHS:
It's estimated that PGP affects up to 1 in 5 pregnant women to some degree.

1 in 5 people can't be bad at being pregnant! Not to mention all the poor women who have hyperemesis gravidarum some of which end up hospitalised and those that get prepartum depression or struggle in other ways with their mental health during pregnancy. It doesn't make you bad at pregnancy of course - it's just that pregnancy can really take a toll on your body in all sorts of ways.

Pregnancy is hard and at some points utterly horrific. I did not do pregnancy well at all and freely admit it.
Standard pregnancy for me was PGP, Sciatica, SPD, GD, 40 weeks of nausea, 40 weeks of heartburn. Then breach baby who liked to turn every week from 34 weeks with my last!
But I laboured extremely well. Short labour to the point of nearly not being in the hosptial for my second.

He probably didn't mean it the way it comes across. And probably had a its all roses approach to what he thought pregnancy would like before.

For what its worth....it didnt stop me getting pregnant a second and third time. But I knew it would be an horrific 9 months!

For those of you who say ‘let it go’ blablabla.

What happens when he applies the same logic to struggling with a newborn?
Or having PND?
Or the many other times when as a parent, you struggle?

Will that be ok too?

Realising he said the wrong thing is a good first step.
Realising WHY what he said was shitty is another.
And yet again, apologising, showing his understanding and care (and love for the OP) is another. aka not just saying the words but actually acting like he understood how crap that was.

Your husband is an asshole. I vomited for the first 16 weeks , gave myself whiplash i threw up so much , cried a lot and then after 22 weeks my pelvic pain started and by 39 weeks I had to use a wheelchair for any kind of outing and not once ever did my husband tell me I wasn't cut out for being pregnant. I'm really not cut out for it but he'd never ever have said it. Instead he told me I was doing a great Job and how proud of me he was.

I'm no good at pregnancy either, for mental rather than physical reasons.

With both my DDs I pretty much had a mental breakdown in the first trimester. Both times I didn't leave the house for about two months, I barely made it to my 12 week scan (had to reschedule it because I drove there and couldn't get out of the car).

I assume it's hormonal for me, I also suffer badly with PMDD, and I had severe PND both times as well. I just don't get on with my hormones changing!

Aw bless you, pregnancy is hard most women struggle with something- it doesn't mean you won't be a good mum or can't have another baby.
I had quite bad morning sickness and then when that got better bad PGP, with both pregnancies. I remember overhearing my grandma saying "well done" to my cousin who was also pregnant because she'd had no morning sickness. I was so upset I went home and cried. She really didn't mean anything by it but with the hormones and all it really hurt!

No one is ‘cut out’ for being pregnant. You basically have a parasite in your body, feeding off you for 9 months. Tell him to eff off.

There is no connection between the ease of your pregnancy / labour, and how good you'll be as a mum. There's no logical reason for there to be a link.

I was rubbish at being pregnant. Never 'bloomed' Horribly sick for months. Looked ill throughout. If someone said I wasn't cut out for pregnancy, I'd agree with them.

Your DH isn't saying you're not cut out for being a mum, you might just be one of the (many) women who don't enjoy pregnancy because it's painful / uncomfortable / hormonaly challenging.

Not cut out for pregnancy implies that you are crap at dealing with the symptoms. This is far from the truth. Some women, myself included, sail through all pregnancies with just the minor inconveniences - all I had was wanting to go to bed early the first 6 weeks. However many women, as you can deem from this thread, feel the most unwell they've ever in the life! We have no control over that. Tell him to man up, and become a supportive partner, after all you are growing another human being that is his child!

Well, you're making a better job of being pregnant than he would, so he can just learn to be supportive and not say completely pointless undermining things to you while you are in immense pain carrying his jeffing baby.

No one is a perfect mother from conception to end of days. Don't add unnecessary pressure by bewailing the fact you're not perfect. Focus on trying to minimise the pain, not judge yourself for it.

I'm going to chime in here and agree with everyone before me who's said that having a difficult pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with being a good mum.

One is a physical thing. It's the way your body was built. The other is your heart, you love for your child. They are in no way related.

I wasn't built for pregnancy either. Let's face it, most of us aren't. Look at how many mothers and babies nowadays survive, compared to 100 years ago. I know for a fact that my daughter and I wouldn't have survived my first pregnancy and childbirth without modern medicine. But not trying to boast, but I'm a pretty great mother.
I do understand how sad you are that your body isn't doing what you feel it should be doing effortlessly. But maybe that's because you compare yourself to others or to an ideal image of how women are supposed to be pregnant. Reality is very different for many of us. I struggled with the idea that if it had been up to me and my body, my daughter wouldn't have made it. And after that, my boobs failed to do the one thing they were created for, which was produce milk for my babies. I never managed to breastfeed my children and that still hurts to this day. Give yourself some time to get over the loss of the idea of what your pregnancy should have been like. You're allowed to grieve that.

Concerning your husband, let's assume he's just a bit emotionally constipated and doesn't realise the impact of what he's said. I think your reaction to his words if probably more due to your own idea of failing at being a mum than him being mean. But that doesn't mean he gets to be this blunt and careless with what he says. You're allowed to ask him to be considerate and give you loads of validation right now, because you need it. I needed that from my husband as well during my breastfeeding struggles. There's nothing wrong with that.

Nasty thing for your H to say.

Totally agree with this. I can't believe other posters here are chiming in with "oh I'm bad at pregnancy too", it's insanely fucking hard and at the endurance limits of the body.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/08/pregnancy-endurance-test-human
Tell your husband to go run marathon or do a stage of the Tour and meantime read this Suzanne Jones article and get pissed off. You'll need to be when parentood gets tough, which it will when you're both sleep deprived, the baby cries loads, the toddler has tantrums, all the other things that crop up and your husband decides to blame that on you too.

God men piss me off with their fucking high handed Dunning-Kruger idiocy.

(Ps I'm also currently heavily pregnant and have had pgp both times and when I get frustrated and upset by it, my husband tells me how amazing, physically, my body is doing this. That isn't a brag, that is just basic comprehension of the state of things)

You're not bad at anything. You're just having a rough pregnancy. I had similar pain (spd) on my first pregnancy but not on subsequent pregnancies. It's not uncommon and a lot of women end up using crutches. Your husband is utterly clueless. Have you been offered a belt to help lift some of the baby's weigh off your pelvis?

I actually like being pregnant but I tell you I am really terrible at making babies and keeping them growing. And the only reason I like pregnancy is because my periods are so awful that getting a relief from that is helpful. But it has happened very rarely in the now 10+ years of TTC and miscarriage.

My lovely DSIL has absolutely terrible pregnancies, hyperemesis for 4 months followed by being completely immobile with her pelvis then pre eclampsia. However she has had really nice births and got pregnant first month twice.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time and that your DH is not wise with his comments.

PGP is awful. I was shuffling a like a 90 year old. It disappeared once I gave birth and motherhood was an awful lot easier than pregnancy.

Everyone finds parts of it tough. As they say, if it was easy, men would do it. You’re not doing yourself any favours setting up expectations of it being easy. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood are naturally hard. What your body is going through is awe inspiring at every level. It’s really important to bring kindness and grace into the equation for yourself. You are doing great.

You are growing a whole other human being. It’s bloody hard and does not need to be made even harder with thoughtless idiotic comments!

I struggled for 4 years to get pregnant, took ovulation meds in the end. Felt totally crap for 9 months both times, couldn't do natural childbirth (1 ventouse, 1 caesarean) couldn't breastfeed. Fortunately my 2 sons are amazing and I'm otherwise a fantastic person as I'm sure you are too, other than having married a somewhat insensitive prat. Good luck!

Finding you in this situation has probably come as a shock to him, as I am sure that neither of you could have predicted that you would have this problem. It is important you do not take offence at what he has said. I am sure there was no malice in it.

Just to cheer you up - I had the same thing in my first pregnancy and went on to have 2 others with no problem.

That was nasty we cant all sail through pregnancy like they do on make believe films. your problem with pelvis I have heard of a lot on here so you are not alone. I dont know much about it but I dont think other pregnancies automatically have it but if I am wrong sorry.
our bodies are strange things; I suffered 13 miscarriages before I had two girls, I spent most my pregnancy in hospital and also kept throwing up 24/7

I was fucking terrible at being pregnant. First of all I kept miscarrying. I had hyperemesis. I had PGP. I had heartburn so bad I was on twice the maximum dose of ranitidine (before it was banned) and two bottles of gaviscon a week. I was anaemic and kept fainting. Then I developed gestational diabetes 🤣

I was so delighted to give birth 😁 after I had my second child, I was bouncing on the trampoline within 48hrs of giving birth 🤣

I totally empathise, and DP and I joke about how bad I was - you have my every sympathy and I promise this isn't an indication of how your parenting journey will be once they're here!

Well, let's be honest here - he really has no idea what pregnancy is like. He doesn't sound very sympathetic or caring though.

That said, I have 18m between my DC and had SPD with both. I was referred for physio with no.2 DC in the maternity unit and the woman looked at me, rolled her eyes and said it was my 'stupid fault' I was in pain for having two babies close together.

Honestly if I saw my wife struggling like that, I’d worry for her and say the same. It’s not about what kind of mum you are, it’s about whether your body does well when pregnant.

I did it twice despite awful sickness with no 1, because they said it will be different next time.

It wasn’t. Not doing it again. I became a foster carer.

It’s fine to decide not to put your body through trauma a second time.

A lot of us had health issues in pregnancy and I have to say the implication that women who struggle for whatever reason are bad at pregnancy would give me rage. I would be telling your husband to keep his mouth buttoned for the next six or so months or until your baby arrives. You may not have the same issues in a later pregnancy. It is tough and takes a toll on your body. I had morning sickness at the beginning and pre eclampsia at the end and only the middle 3 months were tolerable. No pelvic girdle pain thank goodness. Take it easy and rest lots. How far along are you?