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Original poster

ADHD husband is exhausting

93 replies

Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:06

My husband has untreated adhd (diagnosed in childhood) and I’m just finding it really difficult to deal with. The main thing is that I think he is extremely dramatic over small things. For example I didn’t buy the correct version of a sauce…you would have thought hell was freezing over.

I think I am just exhausted with the kids (they have extremely high needs & issues of their own). And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow.. So I find it really exhausting and irritating to have to coddle another adult over minor things. It’s led to a lot of disagreements but I just am thinking, why can’t he grow up? Deal with it?

He has gotten a lot better over the years but still sometimes he will throw a tantrum over something so stupid and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’ll tell him he’s being a baby & to stop making things a big deal. I know that’s mean & disrespectful…

Is this an adhd thing or what? He has an attitude like the world owes him something. How do I deal with this? I’m starting to shut down because I don’t have the energy to deal with it.

OP posts:
Desertislandparadise · 18/07/2024 11:26

Honestly, I don't think it matters if this is an ADHD thing or not. It's a behaviour that is v irritating/exhausting to deal with. Would that that exhaustion vanish if there is a diagnosis attached to it?

There's not much point trying to change people. I guess you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or if there is something you can do to protect yourself. For example, walk out of the room as soon as he starts tantruming.

Another point would be does he properly apologise after the fact? When emotions have cooled can he see that his behaviour is not on? A proper apology goes a long way...

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:34

@Desertislandparadise thats a good point. Thanks so much for replying. I guess you’re right. It wouldn’t matter if it was an ADHD trait or not. I guess I just feel exhausted & like no one supports me. I am the one being the emotional regulator for everyone else. As a partner you would want someone to lean on..

I love him despite our challenges but yes, he’s really high maintenance to deal with. I guess finding coping strategies for me is all I can do, like you said other than leaving the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:35

Desertislandparadise · 18/07/2024 11:26

Honestly, I don't think it matters if this is an ADHD thing or not. It's a behaviour that is v irritating/exhausting to deal with. Would that that exhaustion vanish if there is a diagnosis attached to it?

There's not much point trying to change people. I guess you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or if there is something you can do to protect yourself. For example, walk out of the room as soon as he starts tantruming.

Another point would be does he properly apologise after the fact? When emotions have cooled can he see that his behaviour is not on? A proper apology goes a long way...

Edited

He also doesn’t apologise lol he doesn’t really see anything wrong with his reactions. He feels justified. It just makes life really difficult when you have someone who is…I guess difficult.

OP posts:
Notastalker · 18/07/2024 11:38

I have adhd. Diagnosed. I'm now medicated. I AM exhausting. I'll admit that. And I try to spread myself around a lot so no one person gets constant impact. However, the not apologising, the thinking the world owes him a favour, they aren't adhd traits. The tantrum over small things is but there's usually more to it than just that. Usually when I behave that way, that's just the straw that broke the camels back.

cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 11:40

And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow

How would he react if you found a backbone, refused to listen to his nonsense and started telling him no?

There's a book you might find useful called Assertiveness for Dummies. He sounds like a brat and it sounds like you appease him to the detriment of yourself and everyone else. It's also an appalling example to your children of a relationship.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/07/2024 11:41

He sounds annoying and draining but that is who he is, and you did marry him knowing that...which doesn't make it easier, but it's not as if he lied to you or hid it. You either resign yourself to a lifetime of this, or rethink.

Threefeetmore · 18/07/2024 11:41

I think a diagnosis would help, in fact. His behaviour though is more like that of my dd who is (has?) AuADHD. She is on medication for the ADHD and antidepressants as well, and is very self aware so is willing to put strategies in place.
It also gives me the ability to step away and recognise that her occasional difficult behaviour is not about our relationship, but about her difficulties. (DD is adult)

If he's willing to acknowledge his behaviour's impact on you, your relationship stands a better chance I think.

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:42

Notastalker · 18/07/2024 11:38

I have adhd. Diagnosed. I'm now medicated. I AM exhausting. I'll admit that. And I try to spread myself around a lot so no one person gets constant impact. However, the not apologising, the thinking the world owes him a favour, they aren't adhd traits. The tantrum over small things is but there's usually more to it than just that. Usually when I behave that way, that's just the straw that broke the camels back.

Thanks for your reply. It’s interesting from someone with adhd because I often feel like I lack empathy for his struggles because I expect a partner to rely on but he struggles daily. I get that. And yeah I can see that too that would be the last straw kind of thing. Maybe things leading up to it etc.

OP posts:
Brendabigbaps · 18/07/2024 11:44

Overwhelm is an adhd trait and he sounds like he’s getting overwhelmed.
like pp said, the straw that broke the camels back.
we all have different tolerance levels.

solidarity with you tho, I live with 1 adhd, 1 audhd and I’m audhd myself. Plus I manage 5 other adhders exec functions. Life is exhausting and many many of us are living on a cliff edge and it doesn’t take much to slip

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:44

cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 11:40

And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow

How would he react if you found a backbone, refused to listen to his nonsense and started telling him no?

There's a book you might find useful called Assertiveness for Dummies. He sounds like a brat and it sounds like you appease him to the detriment of yourself and everyone else. It's also an appalling example to your children of a relationship.

Ouch haha but thank you none the less and you’re right actually. I think the issue is now I am starting to not take it anymore but idk it’s not how I want a relationship to be. I don’t want to be disrespectful to him and I don’t want to be shut down either. Idk how to deal with it I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:46

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/07/2024 11:41

He sounds annoying and draining but that is who he is, and you did marry him knowing that...which doesn't make it easier, but it's not as if he lied to you or hid it. You either resign yourself to a lifetime of this, or rethink.

Haha very true actually! I guess children have exacerbated the stress & my tolerance

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:48

Threefeetmore · 18/07/2024 11:41

I think a diagnosis would help, in fact. His behaviour though is more like that of my dd who is (has?) AuADHD. She is on medication for the ADHD and antidepressants as well, and is very self aware so is willing to put strategies in place.
It also gives me the ability to step away and recognise that her occasional difficult behaviour is not about our relationship, but about her difficulties. (DD is adult)

If he's willing to acknowledge his behaviour's impact on you, your relationship stands a better chance I think.

Yes I think so but he’s very stubborn. He knows he has issues associated with adhd but he hasn’t been diagnosed as an adult yet (he was as a child & took medication). He’s on the list to be assessed but the waiting times are ridiculous.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 11:49

Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:44

Ouch haha but thank you none the less and you’re right actually. I think the issue is now I am starting to not take it anymore but idk it’s not how I want a relationship to be. I don’t want to be disrespectful to him and I don’t want to be shut down either. Idk how to deal with it I guess.

Show quote history

No one is suggesting you're disrespectful to him. You need to find some strategies to deal with his behaviour, he sounds very dominating. The Assertiveness book is very useful and helps you to respectfully stand up for yourself.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/07/2024 11:49

Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:46

Haha very true actually! I guess children have exacerbated the stress & my tolerance

Show quote history

I think that happens a lot - it could be that once the early childhood years pass, stress levels drop and tolerance returns.

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:51

Brendabigbaps · 18/07/2024 11:44

Overwhelm is an adhd trait and he sounds like he’s getting overwhelmed.
like pp said, the straw that broke the camels back.
we all have different tolerance levels.

solidarity with you tho, I live with 1 adhd, 1 audhd and I’m audhd myself. Plus I manage 5 other adhders exec functions. Life is exhausting and many many of us are living on a cliff edge and it doesn’t take much to slip

That’s a good way of putting it. It is exhausting. I feel bad but a lot of what he says annoys me. He asks really dumb questions. He will ask where something is BEFORE looking for it. Or ask if there’s coffee when there’s some right in front of him. Things like that, are tiring to deal with day in & day out.

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 18/07/2024 11:51

You don’t need to put up with anything and he needs to be making an effort himself to manage and understand his adhd and possible triggers for him
that said, if I had improved a lot but occasionally still got overwhelmed by something due to a condition that isn’t my fault and my dh just told me I was a big baby, I’d find that pretty hurtful

Lippylemon · 18/07/2024 11:52

not sure I understand the “hadn’t been diagnosed as an adult” bit - was he properly diagnosed by specialist as a child so it’s on his record? It doesn’t disappear so he still is diagnosed and has ADHD?

Ultimately it’s up to him to manage his ADHD and associated behaviours, it’s not up to you to manage and work around and placate him. If he’s going to be really specific about a brand of sauce then he needs to take responsibility for that and work out his own mechanisms for ensuring he gets it - it can’t be that this falls down to you and then he kicks off at you. I personally would be happy to make adjustments to a DP with a condition like this but only as so far as it doesn’t have a big impact on me and definitely not if he ever becomes rude or horrible towards me if I don’t get it right.

I think you need to start being really clear that this is his responsibility and you won’t be taking any more crap from him. And as others have said his part doesn’t sound so much like ADHD but him being a selfish arsehole tbh

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:53

cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 11:49

No one is suggesting you're disrespectful to him. You need to find some strategies to deal with his behaviour, he sounds very dominating. The Assertiveness book is very useful and helps you to respectfully stand up for yourself.

Show quote history

That’s what I need to do. Respectfully put up some boundaries. He can be domineering but I can also be very stubborn. So I’ll look into that book! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:56

Lippylemon · 18/07/2024 11:52

not sure I understand the “hadn’t been diagnosed as an adult” bit - was he properly diagnosed by specialist as a child so it’s on his record? It doesn’t disappear so he still is diagnosed and has ADHD?

Ultimately it’s up to him to manage his ADHD and associated behaviours, it’s not up to you to manage and work around and placate him. If he’s going to be really specific about a brand of sauce then he needs to take responsibility for that and work out his own mechanisms for ensuring he gets it - it can’t be that this falls down to you and then he kicks off at you. I personally would be happy to make adjustments to a DP with a condition like this but only as so far as it doesn’t have a big impact on me and definitely not if he ever becomes rude or horrible towards me if I don’t get it right.

I think you need to start being really clear that this is his responsibility and you won’t be taking any more crap from him. And as others have said his part doesn’t sound so much like ADHD but him being a selfish arsehole tbh

So from what I understood, he was diagnosed as a child, prescribed medication around 10/11 took it for a few years and stopped. I’m not sure if it’s still on his record because he’s been put on a waiting list to see a specialist maybe? Honestly I’m not sure.

But yes, the sauce gate…🙄I told him if it’s so important to him, to buy it himself. That’s been my response to a lot of things he gets upset over. If it’s so important to you, then you get it. I’m not the only one capable of buying things for the home.

This has been a kind of recent thing though. Before I would have just said fine, and started making it a point to get what he wanted for an easier life.

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 18/07/2024 11:57

cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 11:40

And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow

How would he react if you found a backbone, refused to listen to his nonsense and started telling him no?

There's a book you might find useful called Assertiveness for Dummies. He sounds like a brat and it sounds like you appease him to the detriment of yourself and everyone else. It's also an appalling example to your children of a relationship.

This.
ADHD, OK.

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:58

Pumpkindoodles · 18/07/2024 11:51

You don’t need to put up with anything and he needs to be making an effort himself to manage and understand his adhd and possible triggers for him
that said, if I had improved a lot but occasionally still got overwhelmed by something due to a condition that isn’t my fault and my dh just told me I was a big baby, I’d find that pretty hurtful

I know…I feel bad. I shouldn’t have said that.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 12:01

Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:53

That’s what I need to do. Respectfully put up some boundaries. He can be domineering but I can also be very stubborn. So I’ll look into that book! Thank you

Show quote history

There's another one, Personal Boundaries for Dummies you may also find useful.

JamSandle · 18/07/2024 12:04

ADHD is very challenging but it doesn't necessarily equal a bad attitude, unless he gets so overwhelmed and has a meltdown.

It sounds like the ADHD and the attitude are co-existing.

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 12:13

JamSandle · 18/07/2024 12:04

ADHD is very challenging but it doesn't necessarily equal a bad attitude, unless he gets so overwhelmed and has a meltdown.

It sounds like the ADHD and the attitude are co-existing.

Yes, definitely.

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 18/07/2024 12:20

It sounds like he is on hyper alert. The brain picks up anything that isn’t 100% perfect and sends disproportionate alarm signals. His executive functioning plummets because his brain is on reaction/survival mode, not thinking/planning mode. He needs to deal with his anxiety - yoga and meditation is a popular option but also try St. John’s wart as a quick and easy option.

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