ADHD husband is exhausting

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My husband has untreated adhd (diagnosed in childhood) and I’m just finding it really difficult to deal with. The main thing is that I think he is extremely dramatic over small things. For example I didn’t buy the correct version of a sauce…you would have thought hell was freezing over.

I think I am just exhausted with the kids (they have extremely high needs & issues of their own). And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow.. So I find it really exhausting and irritating to have to coddle another adult over minor things. It’s led to a lot of disagreements but I just am thinking, why can’t he grow up? Deal with it?

He has gotten a lot better over the years but still sometimes he will throw a tantrum over something so stupid and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’ll tell him he’s being a baby & to stop making things a big deal. I know that’s mean & disrespectful…

Is this an adhd thing or what? He has an attitude like the world owes him something. How do I deal with this? I’m starting to shut down because I don’t have the energy to deal with it.

@Psychoticbreak but the OPs dh apparently had a diagnosis as a child...took meds maybe for a while but apparently now has to wait for an assessment?
I'm not 100% convinced all his appalling behavior is down to ADHD.
I am interested to know what others think is the driving force behind the vast numbers of adults now apparently being diagnosed with ADHD via private clinics ? It couldn't be about money ???? Could it ?
And why are there so many people who believe they have a neurodiversity?
I mean have we really just been not diagnosing all these 1000's of people for years.
I can't be the only one slightly skeptical.
And while OPs dh may indeed have ADHD that doesn't excuse his behavior

@Theredjellybean similarly your ignorance does not excuse your comments.

Sorry OP I am sick of this stuff like that poster above me has stated. It is very tedious to be constantly minimised in this way as a person with adhd and asd so I am going to bow out but not everything is down to ND. Sometimes people are just idiots. I have no idea why if diagnosed as a child he needs another diagnosis now as you do not 'grow out of it' so he either has adhd and is a dick or is just a dick.

Yes there’s a huge rise in people being diagnosed as it was believed that if you had it as a child, you would grow out of it. They now know it’s not the case. It’s to a point that there’s a shortage of medication used to treat it because the numbers are so high. I think there is more information today, more research being done etc. I mean look at postpartum depression. That wasn’t taken seriously for decades.

The same with autism. Autistic kids were seen as disturbed and some were put into homes in the 1960s..I’m not a doctor but from what I’ve read I do believe my husband has adhd. I can see it in his family members too, his sibling is diagnosed and takes medication.

And no it doesn’t excuse his bad behaviour. But I also think it makes it hard to see outside himself in hard situations, regulate etc. where we disagree. It’s like saying a depressed person doesn’t have an excuse to not bathe…it just makes things more difficult to function I guess. Idk.

Yeah that’s so interesting because I see that trait in people with adhd. The explosiveness and just as quickly as it comes, it goes away. We’ve had many conversations where I say “you just don’t care!” And he’s shocked and says he does. I think if people could not feel out of control and act accordingly, we all would. Not an excuse and again, it is draining and exhausting but I think a good first step like others suggested is getting educated more and looking into treatment. Because he also doesn’t look after himself like he should. Ie eating right or sleeping.

He doesnt use or say his adhd is the reasoning/excuse. Idk if he even really connects the two and just thinks this is how he is. Particular and difficult at times. And yes, it’s exhausting (mainly because I’m sleep deprived & stressed with the children) but he isn’t shouting or calling me names etc when he’s upset over something minor but I think my tolerance for any kind of stupid, pointless moan is so low right now. I have no energy to give him. It’s hard to explain. It’s not like he flies off the handle but his reactions to things seem…a little over the top for the subject matter to me.

So many similarities with my relationship it’s unreal.

Yes to the not taking care of himself ie forgetting to drink all day, not eating three square meals per day, not taking medication at regular intervals. Not sleeping at regular times.

Mine sets alarms on his phone to remind him to drink and eat! Sometimes it still doesn’t happen!

Omg you get me then! Mine had a holiday from work & when I would get home from work, he’d be like “oh i haven’t eaten all day..” huh? (Because I wasn’t there to cook) I’m actually really tired of taking care of him like he’s a child. And I think he knows it. At one point I was enabling and I would make him a coffee and bring to him in bed to help him get up because he struggled to. I haven’t done that in a long time.

We had a huge argument one morning because he said he was getting up if I brought him a coffee & he would help get the kids ready (a rarity). So I made the kids breakfast, packed lunches (his included) and when I went upstairs to get myself ready. He was still in bed sleeping (because he can’t go to sleep at a decent time) I was irritated and said to wake up.

He said later I could have been “a nice wife” and gotten him up earlier instead of being huffy & a drill sergeant. I’m not his mother!!! Idk how people survive in a relationship like this. He’s such hard work.

That's not true. Emotional dysregulation is a core part of ADHD, which can mean you react like a toddler to certain things including disappointment over minor things. I struggle to regulate my emotions, and it feels to me from comparing myself to others that I feel things more strongly than them. What that actually is in reality is an inability to regulate my emotions, so when I feel disappointment I am REALLY disappointed, and I can't just think my way out of it and it's very hard to moderate my behaviour in response it. Hence why the OPs husband sometimes acts "like a big baby". He is being like a baby (or toddler at least) because he has a condition that causes a developmental delay in emotional regulation.

OP - medication can help with this but he will likely need to be re diagnosed as an adult to access medication.

I found a coach through The ADHD Advocate as they did an event at my workplace and I found a coach I clicked with, but I also approached a couple of coaches that were recommended via ADHD support groups on Facebook.

I’ve been on antidepressants in the past, turns out it’s ADHD meds that I needed. I’ve had counselling in the past, turns out it’s ADHD coaching that I needed. No wonder it didn’t really help if I was being treated for the wrong thing.

I know there is so much scepticism about adult ADHD diagnoses but children being diagnosed (it’s genetic)/ burnout / greater awareness are leading to people getting help that they need.

Thanks for your reply. As frustrating as it is, I don’t think he’s doing any of this out of badness but it’s still irritating because I have literal children that I have to regulate and another adult in the house on top of it, is too much. He 100% needs to get treatment

That’s really helpful, thanks so much. I can actually see that he’s really trying and he recognises that his behaviours aren’t healthy but doesn’t know how to change them. I think he would benefit so much in getting treatment and a coach to also make him not feel like he’s not right because I am guilty of probably making him feel worse about himself than he already does out of my own frustration

I live with diagnosed and medicated ADHD DS and undiagnosed, and obviously unmedicated, ADHD DH. I am 100% certain DH has it because basically, while filling out the forms for DS, the vast bulk could apply to DH too.

Here's the big difference between my DH and yours... he does many of the things you have discussed on this thread. BUT, when he is calmer, he realises that it's not okay and works really hard to put things in place to make things better. In turn, this makes me more willing to accomodate some of the more minor things and/or to at least respond calmly and not like a banshee (I totally hear you for example on asking me questions he should either know or could easily find the answer to himself - I am much much better now at simply saying, "I don't know - check the <insert whatever>"

ND (and MH) deserve our consideration and accommodations. They do NOT justify behaving like a dick.

Another example is sleep etc. He simply can't recognise tiredness and the need to sleep. This used to drive me absolutely crazy. But... he has accepted HE can't just opt out of morning things and does get himself up to do whatever is needed. And that makes me far more willing to accept he's not goign to change, he's always going to go to bed too late, so it's probably fine for me to accomodate this by making a big effort to ensure he gets at least one proper lie in a week.

ADHD is extremely irritating. I irritate myself tbh, let alone other people. If I lived with me I’d have probably buried myself under the patio by now! 😂.

I do make myself feel better though by realising that my NT DH can also be very irritating and annoying in other ways, so it’s not all one way.

Yeah I hear you. Sometimes DH will come to me depending on the situation and say he’s sorry but it’s rare. He usually does think he’s in the right. It’s hard to explain to him that normal people don’t get this upset over his charger being used and left on accident somewhere other than the usual place etc. Because he rationalises it. I have to say that recently he has been changing and trying really hard. I see that. But he’s stubborn. Really stubborn and likes to “win”.

Also, what is with the stupid questions? I don’t understand. He will ask me a question that is so obvious (he’s not unintelligent by any means) and I don’t understand. Idk we are under a lot of pressure and stress with the kids so that also doesn’t help things but we are hoping to move closer to family soon so maybe that and getting him diagnosed, therapy and meds will help.

Hahaha aww I hate that a lot of ppl with adhd are so frustrated with themselves! If only there was a magic wand! But it can be useful also and what makes you, you!

Also, what is with the stupid questions? I don’t understand. He will ask me a question that is so obvious (he’s not unintelligent by any means) and I don’t understand. Idk we are under a lot of pressure and stress with the kids so that also doesn’t help things but we are hoping to move closer to family soon so maybe that and getting him diagnosed, therapy and meds will help.

Something I find fascinating with DS is that he's extraordinarily calm in a crisis. He can think about what he needs to do in step 1, step 2, step 3. That's great. And yet, this same kid, cannot look forward 10 seconds to consider what the best way to find a saucepan is if it's not in the exact position it usually is....

I don't really understand the calm in a crisis thing (although I'm told it's quite common with ADHD people) but I do know the lack of being able to adapt or answer simple question is they seem to struggle often with this concept of stopping to think for a minute and to plan ahead. They have to make a very conscious effort to do it. Ways I see this then successfully happen in real life are, for example, the way DS lays out scrunches in a ball but all in one place his clothes for school in advance or DH, when he was looking after DS as a baby created a detailed list of things to pack in the nappy bag which he referred to every single time even when DS was now 18 months and didn't even need some of the things that were on the list.

But on a day to day basis - completely clueless.

That is really bizarre. You just described my DH to a T lol their brains are so frustrating interesting 😂

That sounds really frustrating.

To be fair my OH does loads of jobs at home- more than me to be fair. Example- saved us £££ by building three built in wardrobes by himself. They look fantastic. I didn’t lift a finger (except pick the designs). Every day I feel loved, so it’s not a big deal to take him a big drink or ask what he’s having for lunch by way of a reminder.

There are so many reasons I love and stay with my OH. What you are saying defo resonates a lot though!

Sounds like lots of us really need a support thread!

Yes!! I mean you want a relationship where you guys both take care of each other (to an extent) or else what’s the point? But idk it’s hard because I’m in a place where I feel a lot resentment unfortunately.

OP, for whatever reasons and conditions, he is not treating you well and you are clearly detaching with the load you carry.

If that continues your marriage will be over. I certainly wouldn't blame you if it was. He sounds like a rude twat that is huge hard work, that you have to parent on top of children with additional needs.

Would life be easier without him?
If that is the case on top of you slowly detaching from him because of sheer exhaustion, then you need to spell it out to him.

It reads that before long you will be unable to turn back, you will be SO done.

It is exhausting always being the one to manage and regulate yourself.
Who holds you up and supports you?
If your husband doesn't do it, it absolutely can be easier to be alone and co parent your children.

Give seriously thought to how you are really feeling and own it, before it overwhelms you and you suffer burn out from the sheer frustration of being with him.

I agree with pp, ADHD/Autism/ND of any kind it doesn't matter - it's not just you that has to find strategies to cope, he has a family and partner and he also needs to find coping strategies. I left my ex for similar reasons and his tantrums were epic and refused to think he was in the wrong. It's exhausting and you don't have to put up with it.

Tell him to go and get medicated/find coping strategies as you are not his mother and/or life coach.

Honestly the serious answer to that question is “yes” it would be easier without him. I feel like I’m dragging a dead body..that’s a horrible analogy but you get me. I want a partner to depend on. Again, he has gotten a lot better in recent times but it’s not enough..

If I don’t say to him about house work some times it doesn’t get done. Even if he’s at home on his own all day. Again, this has gotten better & he will usually do it but I still have to make dinner for everyone after being on my feet all day (he says I just have to tell him what to make & he’ll do it but my job is high stress and demanding. I often don’t have a second to stop and think.)

Reading your reply actually made me want to cry because the other answer to your question is “no one”. No one is there really on a daily basis to hold me up when I’m down.

I still love him and I’m hanging on because I’m hoping that our move and being closer to family will help. There’s more resources to help with his adhd too so maybe things will improve but we are heading in a bad direction and have been for awhile now :/ I don’t know what to do really so I have detached. So much so to the point when he was really sick for a few weeks all I felt was annoyed. I know that’s not normal or healthy. Somethings gotta give.

It won't get better OP until he decides he needs help/to change, which could be never. Life is easier without them but it took me 3 years to finally leave because I thought I loved him, had young kids and I wanted our family to be together - I had hoped he would finally want to get better for us. He never did though.

It sounds exhausting and I do feel for you OP but I wonder would you have more empathy if it was a different disability he had? There's definitely a lack of accountability on his part but you're quite dismissive of some of the issues that are causing his meltdowns.
ADHD is a disregulation disorder, you find it hard to regulate emotions and senses. Sometimes it is important to have the same brand of food because you know what it will taste like and it will be the same each time.
People with ADHD and Autism can be infantilised or told to just grow up or get on with things and it's awful.
I think it sounds like you both need to sit down together and talk about how your feeling and how overwhelmed you are, and what strategies you can implement together and individually to have better communication.