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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ADHD husband is exhausting

93 replies

Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 11:06

My husband has untreated adhd (diagnosed in childhood) and I’m just finding it really difficult to deal with. The main thing is that I think he is extremely dramatic over small things. For example I didn’t buy the correct version of a sauce…you would have thought hell was freezing over.

I think I am just exhausted with the kids (they have extremely high needs & issues of their own). And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow.. So I find it really exhausting and irritating to have to coddle another adult over minor things. It’s led to a lot of disagreements but I just am thinking, why can’t he grow up? Deal with it?

He has gotten a lot better over the years but still sometimes he will throw a tantrum over something so stupid and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’ll tell him he’s being a baby & to stop making things a big deal. I know that’s mean & disrespectful…

Is this an adhd thing or what? He has an attitude like the world owes him something. How do I deal with this? I’m starting to shut down because I don’t have the energy to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 20:11

Nn9011 · 18/07/2024 20:01

It sounds exhausting and I do feel for you OP but I wonder would you have more empathy if it was a different disability he had? There's definitely a lack of accountability on his part but you're quite dismissive of some of the issues that are causing his meltdowns.
ADHD is a disregulation disorder, you find it hard to regulate emotions and senses. Sometimes it is important to have the same brand of food because you know what it will taste like and it will be the same each time.
People with ADHD and Autism can be infantilised or told to just grow up or get on with things and it's awful.
I think it sounds like you both need to sit down together and talk about how your feeling and how overwhelmed you are, and what strategies you can implement together and individually to have better communication.

Yes. You’re right. I don’t really have a lot of empathy towards him. It’s bad. I know. Your points are all valid!

OP posts:
Havesome2024 · 18/07/2024 20:17

There’s a long standing thread about partners with autism on here you probably can relate to a lot of the posts on there.

Blueroses99 · 18/07/2024 20:50

Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 16:53

That’s really helpful, thanks so much. I can actually see that he’s really trying and he recognises that his behaviours aren’t healthy but doesn’t know how to change them. I think he would benefit so much in getting treatment and a coach to also make him not feel like he’s not right because I am guilty of probably making him feel worse about himself than he already does out of my own frustration

Show quote history

I’ll come back and read the thread properly but just wanted to say that getting a diagnosis and getting help was just as much for my family as for myself. My DH was getting understandingly frustrated with certain things and has helped putting in place mechanisms to help me and help us. It’s not perfect but it’s better.

Some things that I need don’t come naturally to him and he doesn’t like to do it, but it’s what I need so we are still working through things. Example is that I’ve asked him to get my attention before talking to me if I’m concentrating on something or don’t know that he is there. If I’m concentrating, I block everything out so if he walks into the room and starts talking, it takes me a few minutes to realise he’s there, realise he’s talking to me, by which time I’ve missed the start of what he has said and he gets frustrated at having to repeat it. Whereas walking into the room, saying my name/ coming in front of me so I can see him/touching my arm etc so I know he is there means I can pay attention when he is talking. He says it’s unnatural, I say I can’t sense when he has walked into a room 🤷🏽‍♀️

Dayoldbag · 18/07/2024 22:34

Blueroses99 · 18/07/2024 21:21

Everyone complaining about sleep, please read this for an insight/explanation as to what might be going on:
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-sleep-disturbances-symptoms/amp/

This describes my sons sleeping habits to a tee, starting when he was in his teens. He is bright, organised enough and has just completed a tough degree and done very well despite being dsylexic.
His mind does that racing at night too but I don't see too many other markers for adhd. Will have to look into it more deeply.
Thank you for that.

Gioia1 · 18/07/2024 22:49

I left mine. It was either that or I would have just dropped down dead from the sheer exhaustion of raising an adult male as if I gave birth to him.

Gioia1 · 18/07/2024 23:02

Also untreated adhd has similarities with some behaviors of covert narcissist. Watch out for the never taking responsibility for actions, woe is me mentality, looking for validation and praise just to raise the -10 of self-esteem them have to 0 or 1.

Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 23:14

Gioia1 · 18/07/2024 23:02

Also untreated adhd has similarities with some behaviors of covert narcissist. Watch out for the never taking responsibility for actions, woe is me mentality, looking for validation and praise just to raise the -10 of self-esteem them have to 0 or 1.

Omg that “woe is me” mentality really irks me. It’s so childish. And I can see some of those traits unfortunately at diff times when we’ve been together…

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 23:15

Dayoldbag · 18/07/2024 22:34

This describes my sons sleeping habits to a tee, starting when he was in his teens. He is bright, organised enough and has just completed a tough degree and done very well despite being dsylexic.
His mind does that racing at night too but I don't see too many other markers for adhd. Will have to look into it more deeply.
Thank you for that.

Show quote history

You can get melatonin prescribed through the GP if he hasn’t tried that, might be worth a shot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niftythreader · 18/07/2024 23:16

Blueroses99 · 18/07/2024 20:50

I’ll come back and read the thread properly but just wanted to say that getting a diagnosis and getting help was just as much for my family as for myself. My DH was getting understandingly frustrated with certain things and has helped putting in place mechanisms to help me and help us. It’s not perfect but it’s better.

Some things that I need don’t come naturally to him and he doesn’t like to do it, but it’s what I need so we are still working through things. Example is that I’ve asked him to get my attention before talking to me if I’m concentrating on something or don’t know that he is there. If I’m concentrating, I block everything out so if he walks into the room and starts talking, it takes me a few minutes to realise he’s there, realise he’s talking to me, by which time I’ve missed the start of what he has said and he gets frustrated at having to repeat it. Whereas walking into the room, saying my name/ coming in front of me so I can see him/touching my arm etc so I know he is there means I can pay attention when he is talking. He says it’s unnatural, I say I can’t sense when he has walked into a room 🤷🏽‍♀️

Edited
Show quote history

That’s my husband too. He will sometimes literally be looking at me & I can tell he’s not registered what I’ve said. I guess it is unnatural to get your attention but with enough practise, it will be routine.

OP posts:
Dayoldbag · 18/07/2024 23:34

Will check out the melatonin thank you.
He is a very focused ambitious young man who excelled in school, hence only being diagnosed with dsylexic very late.
But the sleeping description is totally him.
He is also quite self absorbed, can feel very sorry for himself and finds it very difficult to admit being wrong.
But he mixes well with people and has a nice circle of friends.
There is definitely something, not sure that it's that though.
I have said to my husband privately that I think he could be a very difficult partner for someone.
I certainly wouldn't like my daughter to end up with a partner like him. He is quite capable of being very lazy regarding pulling his weight in the house.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 19/07/2024 10:06

Gioia1 · 18/07/2024 23:02

Also untreated adhd has similarities with some behaviors of covert narcissist. Watch out for the never taking responsibility for actions, woe is me mentality, looking for validation and praise just to raise the -10 of self-esteem them have to 0 or 1.

Yes, I have a theory that children are generally quite narcissistic anyway, but without a doubt ADHD DS takes this to a whole other level. And it's why I like him to take his meds at least some of the time in the holidays as I find it sort of gets worse the longer he's off the meds. I worry about it when he gets older.

Gioia1 · 30/07/2024 13:51

@Niftythreader hey how’s it going?

Sugarlumps97 · 28/12/2024 15:23

That's very interesting.
My DH has just been diagnosed with adhd but he isnt medicated yet because we went privately and we have to save for the medication. The nhs was taking forever to look into it.
When my kids were little, we moved country, abroad. Things got too hard abroad, my dh was out every weekend, leaving everything for me to do. When i told him that I needed help with the chores he would get defensive. So it was easier to do everything myself. At the end we moved back. We've been back for the last five years.
Dh has had the adhd diagnoses and now everything makes sense. But to me, the thing that bothers me most is the meltdowns. He can be so mean, blaming me for everything, the house not being clean enough, not having enough money, at the moment his main blame is moving back. He blames me for it, he feels we shouldve stayed there. The main threat now is that he'll end up leaving. This week hes had a chest infection and because he cant do anything but rest, is back to being my fault cause we moved to a cold and damp country.
I'm unsure on how to deal with this, and im not sure who to talk to. Its exhausting and heart breaking.

Gioia1 · 06/01/2025 17:12

@Sugarlumps97 how are you going to move forward

Sugarlumps97 · 04/08/2025 00:58

Gioia1 · 06/01/2025 17:12

@Sugarlumps97 how are you going to move forward

No idea

Scarletrunner · 04/08/2025 07:34

Dayoldbag · 18/07/2024 23:34

Will check out the melatonin thank you.
He is a very focused ambitious young man who excelled in school, hence only being diagnosed with dsylexic very late.
But the sleeping description is totally him.
He is also quite self absorbed, can feel very sorry for himself and finds it very difficult to admit being wrong.
But he mixes well with people and has a nice circle of friends.
There is definitely something, not sure that it's that though.
I have said to my husband privately that I think he could be a very difficult partner for someone.
I certainly wouldn't like my daughter to end up with a partner like him. He is quite capable of being very lazy regarding pulling his weight in the house.

Read up on adhd - listen to adhd chatter podcast.

99bottlesofkombucha · 04/08/2025 07:43

Pumpkindoodles · 18/07/2024 11:51

You don’t need to put up with anything and he needs to be making an effort himself to manage and understand his adhd and possible triggers for him
that said, if I had improved a lot but occasionally still got overwhelmed by something due to a condition that isn’t my fault and my dh just told me I was a big baby, I’d find that pretty hurtful

that isn’t my fault… and I hadn’t bothered dealing with it despite having been diagnosed as a child, you mean.

I’d be furious at having to put up with this because he couldn’t be bothered looking into it. Its pretty disrespectful.

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