ADHD husband is exhausting

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My husband has untreated adhd (diagnosed in childhood) and I’m just finding it really difficult to deal with. The main thing is that I think he is extremely dramatic over small things. For example I didn’t buy the correct version of a sauce…you would have thought hell was freezing over.

I think I am just exhausted with the kids (they have extremely high needs & issues of their own). And my personality is inherently laid back. Not much upsets me. I go with the flow.. So I find it really exhausting and irritating to have to coddle another adult over minor things. It’s led to a lot of disagreements but I just am thinking, why can’t he grow up? Deal with it?

He has gotten a lot better over the years but still sometimes he will throw a tantrum over something so stupid and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’ll tell him he’s being a baby & to stop making things a big deal. I know that’s mean & disrespectful…

Is this an adhd thing or what? He has an attitude like the world owes him something. How do I deal with this? I’m starting to shut down because I don’t have the energy to deal with it.

That’s interesting. Thanks for your reply. I need to look into executive functioning etc some more because it does sound like that describes him well

Can you afford counselling for him - imagine the counsellor saying to him ' and why did you lose your temper because OP bought Daddy's instead of HP?' - it's ridiculous behaviour on his part but you often need someone outside the home to point this out.
As stated above it often ime is that he is wound up over a completely different issue - my DH is like this - stressed about something (but unaware as he DOES NOT have anxiety, so he thinks) then is a miserable grump for days over something trivial which is not really the problem. Infuriating, I do my best to avoid him.

Haha that’s so true! Imagine! Sometimes it does take an outside perspective but I’ve suggested counselling numerous times. He’s not for it. The sauce gate was shut down because I told him if it means so much to him, to buy it himself. I am not particular in any way. Yes I do the shopping & I buy the cheapest, generic brands & he likes name brands. But this is just one of many. I remember one time he was upset because I accidentally got him something slightly different from a food place than what he wanted..basically what he wanted was a burger with 2 patties & I got him one..🤦🏼‍♀️

I could list so many of these instances but you get the point..to me it’s not that big of a deal to get upset over. Maybe irritated, sure, but not to the extent he goes. There are bigger things to worry about! It’s not the end of the world!

Hi OP,

Thinking things are the end of the world when they’re so so minor is a symptom of overwhelm. And the thing is TO THEM it does really, genuinely seem like the end of the world. It’s not logical, but that’s why they’re diagnosed with a neurodiversity- they really can’t see how minor those things are at that moment in time- the logic is lost on them. It’s best to accept that small tiny things really do seem like the end of the world for them.

Secondly, this is your husbands issue to manage. There are many many strategies that can be put in place with a therapist to help him out when he gets like this. The frustration is that he is failing to engage with any therapy and isn’t making any efforts to improve. And this frankly isn’t your issue. It’s his.

I would insist on going to therapy with him to help manage his symptoms better. Insist as a non- negotiable as continuation of your relationship.

I don't know much about ADHD but I'm wondering if he's masking at work and with friends. For example, if he's having meltdowns over minor things at work, why does he still have a job? Is he having meltdowns when he can't find what he wants in a supermarket? Does he have meltdowns with the children?

I have an adult child with autism and ADHD and they are.like this, down to big dramas over brands of sauce and preferring name brands rather that own brand. They are not living here at the moment but when they are I say they have to be very specific about what goes on the shopping list or get their own.

Also woth autism there xam be sensory issues so I accept that one brand of sauce.might taste wildly different to another to them.

It's exhausting. If he was diagnosed as a child he's diagnosed.now. He should speak to GP about meds.

Good point. He works mainly on his own but comes into difficulties and handles them well, I’d say. So he probably is doing his best and at home he doesn’t feel the need to pretend? He finds it hard with the children at times because again, they have high needs and also neurodiverse..he tries his best and has gotten a lot better with them. He does lose it sometimes especially when one of them gets hurt. He hates that. But he has been trying with them so no, I wouldn’t say he has meltdowns per se with them or at work so much.

I thinks so too along with counselling!

That’s true, in the moment it feels like a really big deal and then after awhile (sometimes not even long) he’s over it. I think I just find it really irritating the huge reactions to things that are seemingly minor. I agree too, we need therapy!

I have this today, autism and ADHD. Had the silent treatment all day. Asked what's wrong, he's sad, did I do something yes, can we talk about it now point.

So I'm tiptoeing around on eggshells. I have learned it's best to ignore it and he will come around in a few days, but it's horrible. It must also be horrible for him and I know he can't help it but if we can't talk about it, we can't fix it, so how will I know not to do it again. Exhausted

You talk a lot about the need for you to be respectful towards him. Is he respectful and kind towards you?

Doesn't sound like it. The failure to apologise for bad behaviour that has affected you negatively. Behaving as if he's special and the world (including you) owes him - without behaving as if you are equally special and owed (including by him).

Sounds like he's taken advantage of your laid back nature, without recognising how lucky he is to be able to do this and that it is a privilege that comes with limits and conditions.

I think he needs to think about gratitude, in a general and personal sense. About how he shows his respect towards you.

Mostly it sounds like a lot of bog-standard sexism. He's special, you're his support act. The ADHD just adds a layer of 'how this (as with everything else he does) is expressed' over the top.

Counselling can be unhelpful if the counsellor does not account for neurodiversity. CBT in particular (before I was diagnosed with ADHD) was a struggle - it just made me feel bad about myself and couldn’t articulate why I was doing things in a certain way. I’m not speaking for all ADHD people as other people I know have found it helpful. ADHD can affect thought processes so you think differently, and training yourself to act ‘normally’ seems a form of masking in my opinion. Which is exhausting, leads to overwhelm, burnout etc.

An ADHD coach could be good. I found the coach framed things in relation to ADHD though processes and reactions that really helped my make sense of myself. And therefore improve/change my behaviour.

I do find it hard to apologise and admit that I’m wrong. (I’m not saying I don’t do it but it’s hard, it takes effort and doesn’t come naturally.) ADHD presents differently in different people, we don’t all have the same traits so just because PP said that they don’t do this doesn’t mean it’s not powered by ADHD.

Yes interesting point of view! How did you find an adhd coach? I’ve had therapy a few times over the years. Some good, some not so good!

You’ve made a lot of good points. I think that’s where I’m feeling the disconnect and I’m just shutting down now. To be honest I’ve always slightly felt that our relationship gears towards him & it’s not really been a give and take..I think he’s gotten better at his respect towards me especially in high stress situations but the most troubling thing I am noticing within myself is that I am switching off with him because his needs are so high and mine feel unmet :/

If he has no formal diagnosis he does not have adhd so that is a moot point.

I have Audhd, diagnosed and medicated and would never act like that. He could just be a twat.

I think you both need to work on understanding and dealing with adhd.

Maybe 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think so too

This would be ringing alarm bells for me. I'm not an expert in ADHD, but I would imagine that when not stressed or overwhelmed someone with ADHD can learn to see how their behaviour impacts others. The fact that he hasn't points more to selfishness imo.

Also I've heard the book Scattered by Gabor Mate is a useful read. And maybe watch some videos such as Dr John Deloney speaking about adhd

He will sometimes but more often than not, he doesn’t. And yes he’s admitted he has a certain selfish streak in him. Guess he’s at least acknowledging & is aware of it 🤷‍♀️

I have asd and adhd and even prior to meds never had an issue admitting being wrong or apologising.

I think he sounds like an unpleasant twat.
ADHD ..not diagnosed so at the moment he is using it as an excuse to be rude, shouty, dogmatic and make it all your fault because " he's got ADHD don't you know"
Sorry OP but there is such an epidemic of people who know blame bad behavior on some neurodiversity that I'm losing patience and can't believe everyone who claims they have ADHD actually does.
And frankly if he can mask it for others why not you too...you deserve him trying to not impact you

@Theredjellybean if someone has been diagnosed with something it most assuredly is because they have something diagnosable. It is far from easy to get a diagnosis and very few reasons to want one unless you want or need medication.

Re the not apologising… I agree this is hurtful but actually is he doing this on purpose or has his brain just found a new thing to think about and he has completely forgot about it?

Doesn't excuse it- he can defo learn to apologise and that’s something that can be worked on in therapy.

But I wouldn’t immediately interpret it as he is an arsehole and doesn’t give a fuck. I bet if you asked him he will have forgotten about it entirely! (Yes I know makes no sense to neurotypical people at all but this is what executive dysfunction means)

ADHD people tend to feel things very intensely and then completely forget about them in an incredibly short period of time (or so it seems to us).